22. Chapter 22

The next time Maya woke up, it was to her wife racing out of bed and into the bathroom. The blonde sighed, rubbing her eyes as she looked at the time. They had slept for about an hour, and shockingly, Maya was still feeling pretty ok. She sat the bed up a little, reaching for her phone. She had a few messages, mostly from people at the station, just checking in. She texted everyone back, just letting them know how things were going before she heard a knock at the door.

“Hey,” Amelia said, coming in, “I hear we are spreading our infections around up here.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Maya sighed, “But yeah, I did.”

Just then, the bathroom door, opened, Carina coming out and slowly making her way back to bed.

“Hey,” she said weakly, smiling at Amelia as she climbed into bed, pulling her blanket around her body which was feeling rather cold all of a sudden, “How are you?”

“I am fine,” Amelia said, shaking her head, “You, on the other hand, do not look fine.”

“I just don’t feel good,” Carina shrugged, rubbing her eyes, “But I’ll be ok.”

“Well, I am on Carina dinner duty tonight,” Amelia said, “But I wasn’t sure if you were going to be up for any food so I decided to stop by and see.”

“I need to eat if I want to stay,” Carina sighed, wincing as cramps ran through her belly, “But I’m not hungry at all.”

“You are not going to force food into your body if you are sick,” Maya said, looking at her wife, knowing how awful she was feeling.

“But Bailey said…” Carina said, moving closer to Maya.

“I don’t care what Bailey says,” Maya said, “You’re sick. The rules no longer apply. You’re the one who taught me that.”

“She’s right,” Amelia said, “Bailey won’t care. And if she says something, I will lie and tell her I fed you. No offense, but you look terrible.”

“Shut up,” Carina mumbled, letting her eyes slip shut as she cuddled into Maya’s side, careful not to hit anything as her wife slowly rubbed her back, falling asleep quickly.

“Thanks for checking on us,” Maya said, smiling at Amelia as she felt Carina’s breathing evening out, “It really means a lot to know that you and everyone else is here for us.”

“You guys are basically family,” Amelia shrugged, “Plus, you are always taking care of us. The amount of times you two have helped us with Scout, plus, Carina literally saved my life so…Also, it’s just what friends do.”

“Well, still, you guys have all gone above and beyond since I have been here,” Maya said, “And I really appreciate it. She is…my whole world and I know how hard of a time she has when I just get a little bit hurt so amplifying that to this situation…I am just glad she had amazing people there looking out for her when I couldn’t.”

“Any time,” Amelia said, nodding, “Now, do you need anything? Clothes or…I don’t know…Anything?”

“I think I’m ok,” Maya said, looking down at Carina as the Italian whined a little in her sleep.

“Shhhh,” Maya said gently, rubbing her back before looking back at Amelia, “I feel so bad for getting her sick.”

“It happens,” Amelia shrugged, “She wasn’t about to leave you any more than we forced her to which slightly increased her risk, and then she just got really unlucky.”

“Seems to be a theme in our lives right now,” Maya sighed, shaking her head, “Though I guess I shouldn’t complain because guess who took a step today.”

“You did?” Amelia smiled, “Maya, that is huge. Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” the blonde said, smiling, “I don’t think I have ever in my entire life been so happy to walk such a short distance.”

“I’m sure Carina was thrilled,” Amelia said. “She was,” Maya nodded, “Probably more so because we finally got to give each other a proper hug.”

“Oh Maya,” Amelia said, “Did someone get a picture?”

“No,” Maya said, shaking her head, “We didn’t know it was going to happen until it did.”

“I am so happy for both of you,” the neurosurgeon said, smiling.

“Thanks,” Maya said, looking back down at Carina.

“Well, I am going to head out,” Amelia said, “Text me if she changes her mind about food. Even if it’s just saltines or something.”

“Oh, I actually had Andy pick up some of her favorite crackers yesterday,” Maya said, “I almost forgot about them, but that will be good for her to eat if she decides she wants to try something, though I don’t think I’ve seen her put more than ten bites of food in her mouth in the past 48 hours.”

“She’s getting fluids though,” Amelia said, “She’ll be ok. I see you got a cool new feeding accessory. Still having a hard time eating?”

“I never made it past drinking,” Maya sighed, shaking her head, “But they’re hoping this stupid tube will help get me some nutrition and then we can try food later.”

“It’ll happen,” Amelia assured her, “Just have patience. You’re body has been though a lot.”

“I know,” Maya said, “I just wish it would heal faster.”

“It’ll take as long as it takes,” Amelia shrugged, “Now, I will see you both later. Tell her I hope she feels better. And you feel better too.”

“Thanks,” Maya said, nodding as Amelia left.

Maya was a little too wound up to actually sleep again even though she felt physically exhausted, and she didn’t want to turn on the TV or music because Carina was sleeping, and she clearly needed it.

Just then, her stomach started gurgling, and she sighed, pressing the call button. Carina was out enough that she just let her sleep, glad she and her nurses all had this process down at this point.

Once Maya was done, she just laid there, mind running. She thought about what Amelia had said earlier, about how Carina hadn’t left her side more than she was forced to.

For some people, that might sound endearing or cute or like a sign of just how much their significant other cared, but for Maya, it made her want to cry for her wife because it wasn’t sweet or caring.

It was part of her PTSD anxiety response because when Carina leaves, people die.

She left her mom for the night to rest when she said she wasn’t feeling well, and she came back to find her dead in her bed the following morning.

She left Andrew to get a cup of coffee and came back to a floor full of blood and the news that her brother went into DIC and died less than an hour later.

Carina was terrified to leave when people were hurt or sick because she was terrified she would never see them again.

It wasn’t fair and it was so hard for Maya to know that she was the reason her wife was having to relive some of the worst days of her life, and she knew there was nothing she could have done to prevent it, but it didn’t make it easier.

They went through this anytime Maya ended up in the hospital which thankfully was not a lot, but it did happen.

The worst was probably when Maya had been on a call about three months after their wedding. It was a five-alarm meaning she had to go inside. It was a huge apartment complex, and 19 had been called after they thought all the civilians were out.

However, Maya had been working with Dean when they came across a little girl who was hiding under a bed. Dean had been working the hose line, trying to keep the fire back while Maya searched for hotspots which is when she came across the little girl. She had immediately pulled off her mask, knowing this little girl needed fresh air immediately.

Maya thought Dean had the fire out, but it flared, forcing her to stay in the room with the little girl who was scared and choking.

By the time Dean had a path cleared for them, Maya had to have him carry the little girl because she was so weak.

To this day, she barely remembered coming out of the building, waking up in the hospital almost 6 hours later with a tube down her throat and a terrified Carina at her side. The tube had come out quickly, and after a night of observation, Maya had gotten to go home with an instruction to rest for a week.

That was the first time since Andrew had died that Maya has been in the hospital for more than just a quick check on a bruise or cut, and also the first time Maya had seen the true extent of the terrified trauma response Carina had. The Italian had barely left her side the entire week she was off.

There was one incident in particular that was cemented into Maya’s mind. Carina had gone to the bathroom when there was a knock at the door. Maya opened it, finding a package there. Seeing the package reminded her that they hadn’t checked the mail in a few days so she quickly grabbed the key, heading downstairs to check their mailbox. She was gone for maybe 90 seconds, but when she got back, Carina was having a full-blown panic attack on their bedroom floor.

It had taken a while and multiple breathing exercises, but Carina had finally calmed down, only to fall asleep in Maya’s lap.

When she woke up three hours later, she explained to Maya that she had come out of the bathroom and couldn’t fine her wife and thought something terrible had happened. Maya apologized profusely and held Carina tightly but also made sure she went to her therapy appointments and worked on her reactions to these kinds of situations.

It had gotten better, Carina managing to do fairly well the next time Maya landed in the ER with pneumonia and low oxygen numbers, struggling to breathe.

However, this accident was a whole new ballgame.

Carina whimpered a little in her sleep, Maya stroking her back gently, hoping she would calm back down.

However, instead, Carina woke up, groaning as she sat up.

“You ok?” Maya asked, looking at her girlfriend.

“Nope,” Carina groaned, getting up and going back into the bathroom.

Maya sighed in frustration, wishing she could do more to help her wife feel better. She wanted to be able to hold her and rub her stomach and get her cups of cold fluids and put cool rags on her forehead but instead, she couldn’t even take independent steps. She was so frustrated with her body.

Just then, Carina came back out of the bathroom, grabbing a bottle of rehydration solution as she made her way back to bed.

“Still not feeling good?” Maya asked as Carina cracked the drink open.

“Not even a little bit,” Carina said, taking a few mouthfuls of the drink, “How are you feeling?”

“Eh, not too bad,” Maya said, “Still not great, but the nausea is pretty much gone so that’s a plus.”

“Did you get some sleep?” Carina asked, putting down her drink before curling up close to Maya again.

“Eh, not so much,” Maya shrugged her good shoulder, “It’s fine.”

“What is going on in that brilliant brain of yours?” Carina asked, looking up at her wife.

“Just thinking about stuff,” Maya said, tracing some patterns on Carina’s back.

“What stuff?” Carina asked, knowing this was one of about a million ways Maya avoided conversations.

“You,” Maya said, biting her lip, “And how much I wish I could take this all away from you and hot I wish I didn’t put you through this.”

“Oh Bambina,” Carina sighed, forcing her body to sit up, “You have to stop thinking like that. You did nothing wrong.”

“But watching you hurt like this,” Maya said, “I am at least partly responsible for this. I was in an accident, and it triggered you and then I got back-to-back infections that have made you worry and my body is taking forever to heal which is also probably making you worry and I got you sick and I can’t help you feel better and…”

“Hey,” Carina said, stopping her, “Bambina, enough. I do not blame any of this on you. Accidents happen. You did nothing to cause this.”

“But maybe if I would have…” Maya started but Carina cut her off.

“No,” Carina said, “No more. You are not to blame, and I will not sit here and listen to you blame yourself. Am I enjoying having to deal with my trauma again? No, but anything can kick up trauma, you know that. And yes, there are parts of this that are more difficult that I would care to admit, but Bambina, I am not mad at you about it. Maybe I am mad at my body for how it reacts, but I cannot control that any more than you can control how the accident happened.”

Maya sighed as Carina leaned over and pressed a kiss to Maya’s cheek. They sat there for a minute, Carina thinking about falling back to sleep because she was really feeling terrible when all of a sudden, Maya looked at her again.

“What are we going to do about having babies?” the blonde said, “We were supposed to have our second consult soon and now we need to cancel that and figure out what to do. What are we going to do? I am going to be here for at least another week, but probably more, and then I need to work on getting stronger but maybe I could do the treatments while I’m still doing rehab or…”

“Bambina, calmati,” Carina sighed, both wanting to stop Maya from spinning out to keep her wife from hurting herself and because she was exhausted and not at all ready to have this conversation because there were so many things that needed to happen before this conversation, “We do not need to think about babies right now….”

“But we were almost ready to start trying,” Maya said, “And maybe we still could. Maybe I could even do the treatments here before I get released so that I don’t have to come back or…”

“Maya,” Carina said, sitting up, “Enough. We are not talking about babies. You have so so much healing to do, and we are not going to be ready to try for babies until you are healed. IVF drugs are hard on your body and you need to be healthy to make sure you can handle them. We are not going to worry about brining another life into this family until the two people already in this family are healthy.”

“So now this is just going to be another thing I am ruining because of the accident,” Maya said, tears welling up in her eyes.

“Ok, no,” Carina said, shaking her head, “Bambina, this is just a setback. It happens, and it is not your fault. We will have a baby one day, but your body cannot take it right now, and that is ok. I am not mad about it because honestly, I don’t think I could handle trying to have a baby right now either. We need to be healthy mentally and physically, and it’s gonna take time, but we will get there, and sure, we aren’t going to start trying as soon as we thought, but that is ok.”

They sat there together for a few minutes, Carina gingerly wrapping an arm around her wife so she didn’t hurt her but could still give her some comfort.

“Bambina, what is really bothering you?” Carina asked gently, knowing that there was no way her wife was that frustrated about not being able to start IVF when they had tentatively talked about.

Maya didn’t say anything for a while, just staring at the wall.

“I think I need to talk to Diane,” Maya sighed after a while, looking at Carina, “I just can’t figure out what I am feeling and my brain is running about a million miles a minute all the time and the better I feel physically, the more my brain starts obsessing over nothing and I can’t run or even really move and I don’t know what to do and I know earlier I said I didn’t want to, but I think I need to.”

“I think that is a good idea,” Carina nodded, pressing another kiss into Maya’s temple, “Do you want me to email her?”

“Please,” Maya nodded, knowing any kind of texting was impossible with one hand that wasn’t even functioning exactly normally thanks to how achy she was.

Carina quickly sent Diane an email, explaining what was going on and asking if she would be able to come see Maya at the hospital.

“Ok,” Carina said, yawning, “Now, can we please put on some music and relax? I am probably going to fall asleep but also I don’t feel very well so maybe not.”

“Sure,” Maya nodded, somehow feeling a tiny amount more relaxed because she knew Diane was going to be helping her soon.