23. Chapter 23

Turns out, Carina was right and she struggled to settle down enough to sleep because her stomach was so unsettled. She was up and down a lot, Maya’s heart breaking a little every time Carina got up to go to the bathroom.

A couple hours after sending the initial email, Diane emailed back, telling Carina she had heard about the accident and that she would be able to come see Maya the following day as long as nothing came up in the department. She said she could be there around 1 if that worked for them, which Carina told her it would.

“Bambina, Diane can be here tomorrow around 1,” Carina said, “Is that ok?”

“As long as I make sure Jared doesn’t come until at least 2:30,” Maya nodded, “And as long as we are both feeling ok.”

“Ok,” Carina said, emailing Diane back, telling her that would be fine before setting her phone down, moving a little to try to find a comfortable position, “I don’t know how you have been dealing with this without being able to move.”

“Well, it hurts a lot,” Maya shrugged, “But moving hurts way way more. I don’t know. The pain meds help and I think at this point, my brain has just started blocking some of the pain out. I’m pretty good at that.”

“You have gotten much better at listening to your body,” Carina said, looking at her wife.

“I try,” Maya said, “Now, what can I do to help you feel better?”

“This is helping,” Carina said, cuddling closer to her, “And I pulled the heating pad back out.”

“I’m sorry you are feel so sick,” Maya said, “Do you want to try to sleep or would you rather watch or listen to something?”

“Did you get your evening meds yet?” Carina asked, looking at Maya.

“Yeah,” Maya said, “Now they are just mixing them in with the tube feeding so I’m good.”

“Ok,” Carina said, “Then can we turn the lights off and try to sleep? Only if you are ready though.”

“I think I need to use the bathroom one more time,” Maya said, “And then yes. I’m exhausted.”

Soon enough, they were both in bed together, Carina cuddling close to Maya.

The Italian passed out pretty fast, but of course, Maya was struggling to sleep. She was going through how she was feeling in her head, trying to decide what she wanted to talk about with Diane.

She really didn’t have a great idea of what she was feeling at the moment, but she knew she was anxious to a level she hadn’t been in a really long time, mostly because her body was not doing what she was used to it doing.

She was worried she was never going to recover and that these injuries were going to have a serious impact on her ability to do the things she loved. She was terrified she wasn’t going to recognize who she was once she got out of this hospital bed.

She wanted to get back to her normal life, but she had yet to ask anyone if that was even going to be possible. She was pretty sure no one knew if it was going to be possible yet because her kidney was still not cooperating and if it didn’t start doing whatever it was her kidney was supposed to do, she was going to need more surgery and possibly a transplant.

No one had really talked about that yet, but she knew that she couldn’t stay on dialysis forever, and if her kidney never got itself back in gear, she was going to need one that worked. She had no idea what the department’s policy was on organ transplants, but she knew if she ended up needing that, it would be months and months or even years before she got back to work.

Also, she wasn’t totally sure what the damage to her leg was, and while taking a step earlier today had made her feel a little better, she still didn’t know if she was going to get her full mobility back ever.

She was less worried about her other injuries because she knew her wrist would heal, and Amelia told her her head was already basically better and she had broken ribs once before, though never quite this many, but they would heal too.

Her kidney was probably her biggest concern though. She started thinking through what it might look like if she had to get a transplant.

She had gone to high school with someone who had needed a kidney transplant so she knew a few things about it. She remembered the girl had had to go in for dialysis every few days, though she knew she was on some kind of continuous dialysis at the moment.

She also knew the girl told her she had been on the transplant list since she was 8, and finally at 16 she had gotten her transplant. To Maya, that seemed like such a crazy long time to have to wait to get an organ, but she knew it could take a long time.

She also remembered the girl telling her her brother and parents had been tested at one point to see if they could donate. Maya knew there was no way she could ask Lane, and she hadn’t had any luck finding Mason yet, but maybe if she needed to, she could ask her mom. Sure, Catherine lived in Montana now with her sister because living in the same state as Lane was too hard, but maybe she would be willing to come back if Maya really needed her.

Maya was also pretty sure the girl who had had the transplant had gotten sick a lot and had said something about being on immunosuppressants to prevent her body from rejecting the kidney.

Maya wasn’t sure, but she worried that if she had to do that, it would put an end to her firefighting days because that didn’t seem like something that would be conducive to fighting fires, but she wasn’t sure. She tried to think if she had ever read anything about a firefighter getting an organ transplant, but she genuinely couldn’t remember.

She was about to start figuring out what she was going to do if she couldn’t be a firefighter when suddenly, she felt her wife stir in bed next to her, the Italian groaning as she got up and stumbled into the bathroom.

Maya looked at the time, shocked to see it was already almost 1 am when they had turned off the lights around 9. She rubbed her eyes, realizing she really needed to sleep and also that her anxiety was a lot worse than she thought.

That was definitely something to talk to Dr. Lewis about. Maybe it wasn’t that she didn’t know what she wanted to talk to Dr. Lewis about but rather that she had so much to talk about that it was overwhelming to think about.

She was finding it slightly harder to breath all of a sudden, wondering if maybe she did something to somehow displace her broken ribs.

However, as she laid there starting to worry about that, she realized she wasn’t in pain, it just felt like someone was slowly sitting on her chest. She knew what this was, and she had absolutely no desire to deal with a panic attack right now. However, the more she thought about how she didn’t want to deal with it, the worse the panic got.

Luckily, as it was starting to get to the point that she was uncomfortable, Carina came out of the bathroom, crawling back into bed.

“Bambina,” Carina said, noticing Maya didn’t look right, “What’s wrong?”

“I…” Maya started, “Pan…”

Normally, Carina’s brain would have processed exactly what was going on, but she was still half asleep and feeling pretty terrible so it took her a good ten seconds to realize what was going on. By then, Maya’s heartrate was to the point that her alarm was going off and her blood pressure was also starting to go up.

“Shit,” Carina murmured, realizing what was going on, moving so she could have direct eye contact with her wife, “Bambina, eyes right here.” Just then, two nurses ran in.

“What’s going on?” the nurse asked as she ran to the bedside, throwing her stethoscope in her ears.

“She’s having a panic attack,” Carina said, never breaking her eye contact with her wife, “Just give me a few minutes.”

“I am going to stay in here,” one of the nurses said, “And if this goes on too long, we are going to have to give something to calm her down. That blood pressure is not good for her kidney.”

“Bambina, breathe,” Carina said, giving her wife her full attention again.

Just locking eyes with her wife had helped a little, Maya’s breathing changing ever so slightly but enough that Carina noticed.

“Ok,” Carina said, “I know you can’t do your normal techniques with your ribs, but hand right here.”

Carina took Maya’s good hand, putting it on her chest, right over her heart.

“Just follow my breathing,” Carina said, “Ready. Ok. In…And out…and in…and out…”

They continued in this pattern for a few minutes, Maya managing to calm her breathing and heartrate back down, the nurse slipping out when she realized Carina had it handled.

“Good Bambina,” Carina said as Maya finally calmed all the way back down, “What happened? If you want to talk about it.”

“My brain just wouldn’t turn off,” Maya said, feeling tears building in her eyes, a normal thing that happened post-panic attack, “And…I don’t know. I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

“Ok,” Carina said, noticing how upset Maya looked, “What do you need?”

“I don’t know,” Maya said as Carina wiped a few tears off her cheeks, “For my brain to turn off.”

“Do you want to try some exercises to help with that?” Carina asked, “Or do you want me to ask the nurse to give you some meds? Or something else?”

“I don’t know,” Maya said, frustrated, exhausted tears filling her eyes as her breathing started to pick up a little again, “I just want to feel better.”

“I know,” Carina said, sighing as she rubbed up and down Maya’s arm, “I know. Let’s not get worked up into a panic attack again, si? Just breathe for me Bambina.”

Maya took a few shaky breaths, trying to just focus on the feeling of Carina’s fingers running up and down her arm. Carina was absolutely exhausted and felt so sick and was hoping Maya would calm down so they both could sleep which was what she knew they both really needed.

“Carina,” Maya groaned, feeling her stomach start to cramp up again.

“I am going,” the Italian said, wrapping her blanket around her body as she went to stand in the hall.

She leaned heavily on the wall, letting her eyes slip shut because she was so tired. Next thing she knew, the nurse was tapping her shoulder.

“Carina,” she said quietly, “You ok?”

“Si,” the doctor said, forcing her eyes back open, “Sorry. I’m just so tired. Is she ok?”

“Yeah,” the nurse nodded, “Let me know if there’s anything either of you need, ok?”

“Grazie,” Carina said, going back into the room.

She was about to climb into bed when she realized she needed to use the bathroom yet again. When she was finally ready to get back in bed, she noticed Maya was just staring at the ceiling.

“Bambina, you need to sleep,” Carina said, feeling her own anxiety starting to swell a little as she looked at her wife, worry filling her that something was wrong beyond just her anxiety, “What is going on?”

“I don’t know,” Maya said, rubbing her eyes, “It’s like that my body is feeling better but my brain is making me feel worse. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep and my brain won’t turn off and I just…I don’t know.”

“Ok,” Carina said, suddenly remembering seeing something in the bags from Andy that might help Maya relax a little, “Hang on.”

“Don’t go,” Maya whined a little, desperate for some kind of contact with her wife.

“Calmati,” Carina said gently, “I am right here. Let me just get something.”

Carina dug in one bag before she found what she was looking for.

It was a teddy bear Carina had gone and made for Maya before she went to Italy right after they got engaged. She had recorded herself saying “Ti amo Bambina” and dressed it in a pair of scrubs. They were green not pink scrubs, but it was the best Carina could do. She had sprayed the bear with her perfume and tucked it behind her pillows, knowing Maya would pull out her pillows and cuddle them just like she did when Carina was working overnight.

Maya had had to work the day Carina left so she didn’t find the bear for a good 36 hours after Carina left. They had talked earlier in the day, Carina telling her she was going to sleep because she had barely slept during her entire travel.

Maya had sent Carina a picture of herself in bed holding this bear, captioning it “I can’t hold my actual doctor for a while so I guess this will have to do. Thank you so much Carina. I love it. I miss you so much. Love you my fidanzata.”

It had made Carina smile because Maya had been working on learning that word for the past few days since their engagement. Saying it was a struggle for the blonde, but it made Carina smile every time she tried.

That bear had become something that comforted Maya when she needed it, something she would hold when her anxiety was getting the better of her and something about the soft fur helped calm her down.

Carina was beyond grateful Andy had brought the item for her wife because it was pretty clear Maya needed something. Andy was the only one of their friends who knew about this bear, mostly thanks to the time she had lived with them during her separation from Robert.

Usually, when the fire captain was anxious and Carina was around, the Italian would hold her tightly and that would help. However, right now, holding her wife was next to impossible.

If they both weren’t so sick, Carina might have tried to figure out how to get behind Maya and hold her, but because she was up and down so much, she knew that would just aggravate Maya’s injuries and make her sore. Carina carried the bear over to the bed, handing it to Maya, the blonde instantly bringing it to her face, rubbing her cheek on the soft fur.

Carina knew if anyone saw Maya like this, the blonde would deny how much she loved this bear, but in the quiet of the early morning hours with just her wife, her anxiety so high and challenging, Maya was going to take the comfort wherever she could get it.

“Thank you,” Maya said as Carina got back in bed, “You should sleep. You look so tired.”

“I am,” Carina nodded, “But you also need to sleep. Do you want me to ask the nurse to give you something? I can feel the anxiety rolling off of you right now.”

“Maybe,” Maya sighed, “I just want to sleep. I don’t want more drugs, but I also don’t know if I will be able to calm down without them.”

“There is nothing wrong with taking something to help you,” Carina said, hitting the call button, “Just like taking something for pain or nausea, we need to get your anxiety treated correctly too so you can feel better.”

The nurse came in, Carina quickly asking for something to help Maya’s anxiety. Within about twenty minutes, Maya got an IV injection of something to help calm her down, her body starting to feel it almost immediately.

“Better?” Carina asked, watching Maya’s heart rate, which had been within normal range, but high for the blonde, start to come back down to her normal resting rate.

“Yeah,” Maya said, eyes getting heavy, “Thank you.”

“I didn’t do anything except ask the nurse for meds,” Carina shrugged, settling herself back down.

“You are here and taking care of me and helping me feel better,” Maya said, eyes closing, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Carina said, pressing one more kiss to Maya’s lips before they both slipped off to sleep finally a little after 2:30 am.