I Don't Feel Like it

Tomose's POV

It was a Saturday morning. I was pondering upon many thoughts while looking at a blank wall in my room which seemed interesting to me at that point.

Few moments earlier, I just declined the offer of hanging out with Sakamaki because I didn't feel like it anymore. It's true that I was the one who came up with the idea to hang out, but right now I don't feel like it anymore.

The frequent sound of notifications popping up in my phone was slowly irritating me. I guess being popular is a pain too. I put my mobile in silent mode and kept it under my pillow.

I stretched my arms a bit since I have been scrolling social media all day. Even procrastinating was boring to me at this point. I don't even know what I want to do.

It's just that I don't feel motivated to do anything at the moment. This is how my life has been.

I remember Matsushita said something about going shopping together with Sakamaki. Now she said it was a coincidence but I can't help feeling it's otherwise. Though from what I heard from her, she said they had small talk and nothing much.

The only reason I wanted to hang out with Sakamaki was because I wanted to feel on the same level as that of Matsushita, but I guess it was a pipe dream for me.

And here I go again, Sakura was right about me. I was indeed a self-centred girl. I always thought about myself as the priority. I know that's not a good thing, but it's not like I can control it.

It's just the way I am.

I was feeling bad about refusing to hang out with Sakamaki because previously I've done something like this to him too. Only I know the reason, but from a third person perspective, I'll be marked as a selfish girl.

I remembered the incident when I promised to cook Sakamaki some fried chicken but I forgot. I didn't actually forget about it. I didn't feel like doing it anymore, so I didn't.

Yes.

I lied about it. But it's not like I was obligated to do that. I felt bad for crushing his hopes.

Yoshiwa was right about me playing with the feelings of boys. Though I didn't do it intentionally, the person in front of me was getting directly affected.

What a scum I am.

A smile appeared on my face at that thought. Maybe I was believing it, too.

The muffled sound of my phone vibrating showed a notification that I was getting a call from Matsushita. I muted my phone and kept it aside again.

I didn't enjoy talking with people after school. It was a hassle for me, though most of the time my phone was flowing with many notifications from different chat groups I was in.

Sometimes, I think being introverted was better like I used to be in middle school. At least I was happy.

At first this was good, but now this is becoming a pain for me.

Wearing a masquerade of a smile on my face when I'm not even feeling good. I could easily express my genuine expressions but that would be problematic too since I would've had to answer several questions regarding my mood.

Yoshiwa always complained about me having attitude problems so that might end up making my partner hate me.

Last week, an upperclassman from class 3-3 confessed to me, but I rejected him. It's just that I don't know if I'll be a good girlfriend or not.

No, that's just a lie I was feeding myself with.

I don't know what I want to be honest. I just feel like flowing in the way my life is taking me.

I don't like talking about my emotions with random people. I may be friendly from the outside, but I still had my introverted traits from my past. The only reason I talk with Sakamaki is because I have known him since last year.

Talking with him has now become a part of my daily routine. If there were days without us chatting in the night, my entire day would feel kind of incomplete.

I was getting a little curious about Sakamaki since it was hard to tell what kind of guy he was. He seemed like a nice guy, if I'm being honest. He may look rude… okay, sometimes he may sound rude too, but he is a nice guy if you get to know him.

Matsushita considered Sakamaki a relatively handsome guy, and she was always honest about it. It seemed like she was quite close to him since he calls her by her first name.

And I have seen him smile while talking with her. It's not like he doesn't smile when talks with me. It's just that Sakamaki smiling like that was a rare sight. He always has this straight face with a blank expression.

It's weird how fast they became so close to each other. Even though I have known him for a longer time than her. Her outgoing personality really helps her at times like this.

I still find it really weird that Sakamaki just randomly decided to make friends. I thought he didn't like social interactions much because last year in the group assignment; he talked little with me or any other member of the group. He just completed his part and then dipped.

I wasn't expecting Sakamaki to stand up for me against Yoshiwa that day. Matsushita also sided with him, though I wonder if she would've done it for me.

Sakamaki was becoming way too attached to me. He will just end up getting hurt in the end. He was worried about me.

I know.

But I couldn't get the will to appreciate his concern for me.

Realising that I spent my last few minutes thinking about him, blood rushed to my cheeks. I don't even know when I became so attached to him. Just a few weeks ago, we didn't even talk to each other.

A lot of thoughts were running through my exhausted mind. I did nothing the whole day, despite that, I feel tired somehow.

I relaxed my body and soon fell asleep.

I entered class the next day, and walked towards my seat. I noticed Yoshiwa and Sakamaki talking with each other. Now that was a rare sight indeed, because I thought they didn't like each other.

Matsushita was staring at something with a faint expression on her face.

Yoshiwa's gaze turned towards me as I put my bag down on my desk. She charged at me.

"Hey, you Bitch." She called me out in a bitter tone.

Did she just call me a bitch? Out of nowhere?

I looked at her in confusion.