Chapter 30

Harry was given the option of dinner at a restaurant or dinner in Severus's rooms at Hogwarts. The news of their courtship had spread quickly through the wizarding world and neither of the men felt too keen on fighting prying eyes that evening.

And, honestly, Harry would have chosen Severus's kitchen over a public restaurant any day, regardless.

Harry eyed the room. He made himself comfortable in the armchair to the left of the settee. He traced his fingers over the nailhead trim. The metal was cool to the touch, mirroring the cool dungeon air.

"Is this still Hermione's favorite chair?"

Severus smiled, "Yes, it is. We have tea here every Saturday."

"Is Ron ever here?"

Severus looked at him confused. "No, she has tea here Saturdays because that's Ronald's day to do paperwork at the office."

Harry felt embarrassed, and a bit sad, if he was honest. "Oh... I, er... don't keep up with their schedules the way I used to."

As if sensing Harry's discomfort, Severus changed the subject easily. "Don't get too comfortable. I need your help in the kitchen."

"You do?"

"We're making pasta."

Harry stood from Hermione's chair and joined Severus in the kitchen.

Severus rolled up his sleeves and began working on preparing the chicken. Harry started boiling the noodles then turned his attention to the sauce.

"Reliving our safehouse days," Harry mused.

Severus chuckled. "Precisely."

Harry watched Severus as he plated their food, then placed the dirty cooking utensils into the sink. He moved gracefully and confidently. The man's calm, quiet demeanor still brought Harry a sense of peace. He didn't want this moment to end. But he knew it had to. He knew they needed to talk.

"Severus."

The man turned on the warm water. "Hm?"

"I.. er..."

Severus poured soap into the sink. "What is it?" He asked distractedly over his shoulder.

"Severus. Look at me!" Harry was beginning to feel panicked. He didn't want to tell Severus these things, but it was now or never.

He dried his hands and slowly turned to face Harry. He tucked a long strand of black lank hair behind his ear. "I'm here, Harry," he said quietly.

"I'm broken."

"No, you're not. You're perfect."

"I have night terrors. I scream and cry in my sleep." Harry's heart raced. He could hear his pulse in his ears.

"I know. We shared a wall for months, remember? And I've felt your fear through the bangles before."

Harry nodded. "Yeah. But they're worse. They've been getting worse."

Severus took a tentative step forward. "I can brew anything you need."

"I had to stop taking the dreamless sleep." Harry looked into Severus's face, ready to gauge his reaction. "I took it every night."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "You can take it for a week but then a two day break, and you commence after-"

"I took it for a year. Every night."

"Harry! You-"

"I know." Harry swallowed hard. "I know. It doesn't work anymore."

"I can brew you a different variety, I can-"

"Severus, I'm not looking for you to solve this. I'm trying to tell you what life with me will be like." Severus nodded. "The smallest thing can cause me to panic. I radiate magic, ready to explode. Or I become catatonic..."

"I see," Severus said simply. His face remained blank. Completely impossible to read.

"If you'd like to end the courtship now, I understand. I can go home and we can forget about all of this."

"This has only intensified my desire to be with you."

"What?" Harry certainly hadn't expected that.

"You felt you could be honest with me. You opened up to me about your vulnerability. That demonstrates a couple of things: your bravery in being honest and that you still trust me. Why wouldn't I desire that in a partner?"

Harry continued, "These... issues... are why I let Draco take the reigns. I feel stress so keenly and it causes me to breakdown."

"You don't have to explain yourself, Harry."

"Has this really not frightened you away?"

Severus took another step forward and took Harry's hands into his own. "I promise that you have not frightened me away. Of anyone, I'd like to think that I can best understand. I have night terrors of my own. They're not as frequent as they'd once been, but they still happen occasionally. I've seen, and done, horrific things. I live with the memories of war every day."

"How do you manage?"

Severus took a deep, contemplative breath and squeezed Harry's hands a bit tighter. "I try to live one day at a time, but also be optimistic about the future."

"What do you hope for your future?"

Severus lifted Harry's hands and kissed the backs of his knuckles. "This. I hope for this."

Harry looked up in surprise. He wanted badly to kiss Severus in this moment. He wanted the older man to hold him like he would never let go. He wanted to kiss those lips and express his feelings in hushed tones. He wanted to let his Occlumency shields fall and let Severus in.

They sat together at the table and ate. Harry'd never actually been on a date before so he didn't have much for comparison, but he was pretty sure it was perfect. Severus and Harry spoke about their respective businesses, about future ideas for expansion, about the absurdity of dealing with buyers. They laughed, they grumbled.

Severus leaned over Harry and poured him another glass of Sauvignon blanc.

"A far cry from drinking whisky right from the bottle."

"Should we change drinks? I rather miss seeing you pissed out of your mind. It was cute." Severus grinned. His eyes all but sparkled.

"Did Severus Snape just say cute?"

"I blame the wine."

Harry laughed. He sat back in his chair and sighed, still staring into Severus's black eyes.

"What are you thinking, Mr Potter?"

"About our first kiss."

"You might be drunk."

"Our only kiss, really. Do you ever think about it?"

"Likely more often than is healthy."

"Me, too. Why'd you never take your bangle off?"

"I don't have an answer for you. You never removed yours either."

Harry leaned forward and began to trace his finger over Severus's hand. His hands were visibly strong. His long fingers and well manicured nails were attractive. He traced the skin up into Severus's sleeve and along the bangle. Severus's breath hitched. Harry's heart skipped, realizing how his simple touches could affect the man sat across from him.

Harry retracted his hand and took another long drink of his wine.

"Thank you for dinner, but I think our time is up."

Severus stood. He helped Harry from his seat.

It must have been the alcohol thrumming through his veins that made Harry feel so brave.

Harry stepped close to Severus. Their chests nearly touching. Harry lifted his hand and placed it tenderly to his cheek. Severus closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.

"Why haven't you kissed me yet?"

Severus turned his head just enough to kiss the palm of Harry's hand before pulling it away. He continued to hold Harry's hand even as it fell to his side.

"These courtship proceedings do not allow me to initiate such contact."

"I thought maybe Draco was lying about that."

"What else did Draco tell you?"

Harry hesitated. He shouldn't have said anything.

"Just that he didn't think you'd like what an emotional mess I am."

Severus rolled his eyes. "He doesn't know me well at all, then. I don't see you as a mess, Harry. I'm here whenever you need me. Even if... If you don't choose me, I shall still be there for you if you ever call upon me."

Harry's mind swirled in confusion that night when he laid down. He folded his hands behind his head and stared up at the darkened ceiling. Draco wasn't exactly always kind, but Severus hadn't always been perfectly kind either. And he felt a physical magnetism to Severus that he didn't feel towards Draco, but Draco had never left his side. He never wavered. Severus abandoned him when he was at his most vulnerable. But, Severus had a reason for that...

And Severus could likely deal easily with Harry's issues, but Draco kept him calm enough to rarely have the outbursts in the first place.

But when he closed his eyes for sleep to take him, it was only one man he saw in his dreams.