SECTİON 5

Today I woke up with new dreams, hopes. My resistance to life has increased. I realize it was my hope that kept me going. Nothing could deseries me against life. Maybe I've been hit 100 times, maybe more, by the time I was this age. Friendly stake, lover stake, family problems, life problems... I cried a lot, but at the end of every cry, I laughed. Sometimes these cries lasted 8 months and sometimes a week. But then it was always a beauty. Life gave me more than I lost. He always made me laugh more. I realized it was the law of life to laugh at crying. We didn't grow up without crying, we didn't laugh without growing up. I was a woman who aimed to be resilient to life. I wanted to read like crazy, I wanted to visit every city. I wish I had someone with me. A friend or lover I trust more than myself. My dear notebook, I've been squeezing you a lot today. I think I've said too much. I've had some time to think about Ozan. I don't think I'm going to tell you about this for a while. Or I don't know, I don't trust Gizem with that. Good night...

I'm very determined when I say yes. I'm closed with Ozan. Exaggerating a person I used to know like that was a lot of crap in my life. I had much more important things to do. I finished two years of college, but I didn't get the result I wanted. I haven't even picked up a test book in many years, but I'm so bored that I'm starting to get ready for the test again from staying home. When I told my mother this idea: "You're 25 years old soon you'll be 26 I wish you'd thought about getting married, I wish you'd thought of getting married, pretty girl..." I was annoyed that I didn't feel like getting married. I thought I had to have a great love to prepare food for a person, to clean the whole house alone, and to take care of the responsibilities of marriage. I used to have a boyfriend, but it was too short. It was like a snum. Someone who didn't know how to stand on his own two feet couldn't take his father's word for it. They didn't have their own ideas. I couldn't stand it annum, and it was over. I didn't regret it because there had to be someone like me in my life. He was going to support me, he was going to be there for me, he was going to listen to my ideas, he was going to tell me his ideas. I don't mean to be too unfair, but it's over. I've said too much again. I wanted to talk to the mystery, but he was out of town, and I never liked talking on the phone, so I'm going to have to wait for him to come.

It's my birthday, and I'm starting over again. In a few cases like this, I'd make believe Gizem that my life would be perfect, that everything would be okay. That makes me stronger, more hopeful. It's like a philosophy of life to me. On my birthday, in the New Year, at a new beginning, I think my life will be perfect. Sometimes it is. But of course it won't take long because we're human beings. If we laugh today, we'll cry tomorrow. I mean, when you laugh a little too long, you cry involuntarily, or you laugh when you cry too much. Life is weird, we laugh at work, we cry...

I was a big girl. I was 26 now. I was so close to 30. My peers were always married. Even the Gizem... We were not supposed to get married, but whatever. Let me tell you a little bit about Gizem: Gizem used to walk around school like a tomboy when she was in middle school and high school. I'm not getting married every time. I'm going to go from city to city, country to country. He said wash your husband's feet.

In fact, I found out later that his father always had his mother wash his feet, and our Gizem would be very angry about it. So what did they say, be afraid of the one who says you don't get married? He went to a kid at the end of high school. It was hard for him to admit it to himself. He said he didn't like it, but when he saw the way he looked at the boy, the way he laughed at her, he knew he was in love. Their iliski was strange at first. They were fighting like cats and dogs. And then I realized that's how they would get along. They hugged each other after every fight. They were best couples to me. And they looked great. In fact, I can even say that we admired them in school ...

I'd love to have a boyfriend like that back then, but I couldn't love anyone like that. Loving should be very different for me. Every time I look at her, there must be a feeling that makes me smile. And I don't think we've had the chance to face something like this yet. Fate means.

They got married as soon as college was over. I was the witness to the wedding. In fact, believe me, I caught the bridal flower, but I haven't finished getting married yet. I was happy with my life, but sometimes I get jealous when I see them. Because I wasn't that happy. It was like there were problems and shortcomings in my life. I feel like I'm going to complete this deficiency with someone, but I'm not done yet. Maybe it seemed that way to me because I needed it in spirit...

Gizem was pregnant. I was going to be an aunt. I was a mother half. I'm all sniring inside. People used to treat me like I was staying home. Sometimes I'd get upset, but I didn't care. I'm happy like this. I'd have suitors from time to time, but I'd never take home. It was like I was waiting. Once, the aunt asked, "Do you have a loved one, girl, what's this wait?" But my mother silenced me right away. I'd be mad at things like that. I'd rumble. Even my parents rarely brought it up, and they agreed that I didn't want to get married. It's not like everybody's getting married. Besides, some people don't find the right person directly on the 17th. I'll wait. Or not at all. Who knows?