Fall into the deep end 1

I can't move at all…my whole body seems to have been frozen in place, I can't feel any of my limbs. My eyes feel so heavy as if they are glued in place, I can't seem to open them even after trying so hard to get a glimpse of light...it feels so empty. I am here, yet nothing is keeping my continues from leaving. Except…

Someone is gently rubbing their hand over my forehand. It feels like they are brushing aside the hair that has been clinging to it.

"Raeliana, can you hear me?" His voice is shaking. It sounds like someone who desperately tries to deny reality and expects confirmation to keep their sanity safe.

"Yes, I can hear you!" I'm trying to talk, but I can't seem to do it…

"I don't know if you can actually hear me, but…well, just listen to what I have to say."

Each time it's the same question over and over. From the moment I collapsed until now, I can feel his presence near me all the time. So close, that he is basically clinging to my body, checking if there are any movements, if I am breathing properly, any reaction after asking a certain question, and so on. And that's that, he doesn't talk much and everything goes silent after there is no answer from my part, yet this time he is actually trying to talk.

"You know…when I was born, I didn't have this ability and these eyes. The power to control a human's body to destroy itself by just looking directly at them, I mean. If I am being honest, that was completely accidental. I am the firstborn and Jonathan is two years younger than me. So when he was born, the responsibility to carry this power fell to me automatically and I got the most of it while Jonathan took less because he was weak."

Huh? Hold on…but that doesn't make sense. If he didn't inherit his father's powers before being born, then how can it be possible after a long time had passed? It's genetically impossible. Besides, he said, "I didn't have these eyes", which means...what happened to his other ones?

"Not long after the little me had a glimpse of the outside world, she destroyed my only source of light. Imagine the most cruel thing that a parent could do to their child to secure their position and make it a reality."

I really don't get it. It's a metaphor? And all he is trying to say is that someone took away what made him happy and ruined his expectation about the world. I don't know, the instructions are not clear.

"Heh!" hmm, he chuckles. I really want to say something like, "What's so funny right now?", but I can't do it and won't dare to since it is such a sensitive topic.

"This has been a secret from generation to generation, and those who live outside the palace have no idea about the royalty's affairs. Being gifted with immerse power by the emperor himself, that's when it came from, and that's why they call it the king's eyes. They have to ruin what you had to give you other ones by feeding you their life essence. It is disturbing and you have to feed on it if you want your eyesight back."

I don't need to see his face to know that saying all this is not easy for him. Perhaps, thinking that there is a chance that I am not listening gives him the courage to keep going, and since it took place long ago makes it seem like everything is fine now, but speaking in a brittle voice proves the point that his scare hasn't been healed yet.

"Rai…can you hear me? If you are…I hope I didn't bother you with my little story."

"Hm!? Of course not!" …sigh! What did I expect, I still can't do it. No matter how hard I try, I am not in command of my body right now.

At least, I am so glad he is talking in this kind of situation, but it is a little bit strange knowing that until now he never took the initiative to do that. I would have been happy even if all he did was say random things, mumbling to himself or humming. I just needed to hear someone's voice to keep my mind busy and distracted by my restraining, but really…I never asked for so much physical touch. He is keeping me so close to him that I can actually hear his heartbeat. I'm relieved that he is not doing anything weird when I am like this, but being wrapped around someone's arms for a long time makes me so uncomfortable to the point that it sends shivers down my spine.

Still, he continues caressing my hair. "I'm so sorry! I never once in my life considered these as a gift and I should have known better before letting it out on you…"

It's not your fault, so don't blame yourself for something you were not in control of. Again, I have said it before, but those don't have any effect on me. What really scared me the most was the presence of those faceless things without an actual form and pattern starting to gather around him the moment his eyes changed.

Hm!? What is he doing now? It took me by surprise when he took one of his hands off my back and started touching my face. He then gently rubbed the corner of my left eye with his thumb, "…But I'm also glad. My only wish is to make these eyes look at me again the same way as before even if I have to see it through this curse. Having these eyes only looking in my direction puts me in such a giddy mood. You know, even if you lose the ability to move, I will never abandon you. Even if you can't talk anymore, your voice already plays in my head automatically after seeing this pretty face of yours, but if you can't open your eyes I won't know if you are awake or not and I can't show you all the things you like so much."

Uhm...well… that escalated quickly. I guess he has the talent to make everything sound creepy just by opening his mouth. He made it sound so natural like it's something a normal person would say, however, that was almost robotic. It was as if he had repeatedly recited the same words hoping one day what he imagines will become real. And it works surprisingly well, that made my skin crawl.

As if he could hear my thought, probably he saw that what he said gave me goosebumps, he got up and placed me to bad, "You should go to sleep now, young lady. Let's talk again once you wake up.", he was hesitant at first, but fell silent after covering me with a blanket and pinching my cheek.

"Hey! I'm not a child. You know that much, so stop treating me like one." That's what I wanted to say if my body would at least corporate.

The room was in complete silence. I was nervous while all my other senses took over and tried to draw a picture of the whole room with any objects or person's current location in my head. It was scary being aware of my surroundings while someone was also there beside me, not moving an inch away from their position. Lying close to me, he was so quiet, that after some time I totally forgot he was there.

There was no one else in the room besides him who could talk to me. Mireya is hesitant every time she passes by and besides, she stopped coming into my room after that day and the same goes for Spencer who is always busy.

After finishing his work, he always checks on me, and most of the time that allows me to leave this room when Alastar starts being impossible to deal with. However, he won't come inside no matter what's the reason. If he suddenly changes his mind and comes here, what will his reaction be?

There was nothing I could do at that point. No one was talking to me, and I didn't want to talk to myself either "I have to empty my mind and fall asleep" but I was also scared by the unknown, "But what if I won't be able to wake up if I do that?" however, without a plan or possible outcome there will be a dead end.

"What I have to do now is think about that thing that took me out. If I am lucky, I won't fall asleep. If not, then I have nothing to lose anyways."

That was so bizarre and unrealistic. Everything went dark in an instant and only because one of them appear out of nowhere and vanished an inch away from me while the others were floating around Alastair. Although it feels like I am not in my body anymore, my mind is fully awake, and I could still remember his face moments before drowning in my own guilt and past regrets.

He had the 'king's eyes' on, the shocking expression had turned gloomy, depressed, and sorry when he saw me kneeling in front of him. He tried to close his eyes, look elsewhere, and cover them, yet as if a greater force was controlling his body nothing seemed to work and we didn't break eye contact until moments before fighting. On the verge of tears, his voice sounded dead, "That wasn't supposed to happen. Why did it have to work this time? That name… was the only thing I didn't want you to remember."

…

I don't know how much time had passed since then. Hours? Days? Months after leaving my little isolated world inside my head? That place felt empty, not like other times I have been there when Raphael would pop out of nowhere and talk with me. how long has it been since I last saw him?

The wait was unbearable knowing that I could still hear voices talking to each other in a distance while still being in a state of coma. The place I find myself in when I opened my eyes after that was overwhelming in a sense.

The familiar scenery, the person in front of me. I know this place like the back of my hand. The apartment building near that park where children go to play and have fun every day with their parents brought back memories.

Down the road, it's a middle school and a convenience store opened twenty-for-seven. The owners would always give little kids and students who go there regularly after school something for free for helping their mothers with groceries…but sometimes they would just be quiet about the mother part and praise you for being a good kid facetiously.

"So annoying! Better say to my face that I'm an orphan rather than lying and making me feel even worse about myself. I don't need your pity since there is nothing to feel sorry about. I can do everything by myself, no one is letting me starve, I can go to school, play in the playground with my friends and live like any normal kid would. But out there are those who try to be helpful by just saying, 'We feel sorry to see you handle everything by yourself!', or, 'How can a father think only about his work when his child is staying alone in an empty house?', when in fact, they are just trying to put the blame on someone and convince themselves like it's not their problem but there is still an opportunity for them to get involved."

Hmm. They all did it only to be nice, to make us feel like we belonged somewhere and weren't alone. But still, that triggered me more than anything. So, this was what I was thinking about back then? I miss the time things were so easy. When people don't look at me like I'm going to unalive them just by breathing. Growing up makes you feel numb about those things, so even though I can see my little self crying while talking about her, my past experience, with those who tried to butt in 'our' business, I don't feel anything. This part …I would rather forget all about it. I don't even know if what I'm seeing right now has really happened or not.

Looking back at that little child was like looking at a stranger. Faceless, I felt nothing but emptiness while it all disappeared before my eyes. The apartment … that cage I had no choice but to live in, the playground I was so excited for the day I and my parents were going to spend some fun time together, the store, school everything in my field of view was destroyed and turned to ashes within seconds, and disappearing without a trace in the wave of forgotten memories. It was then that one of many windows opened up revealing yet again another lost memory.

"Honey! What are you doing? You have been staring at that book for hours now, please try to take a rest."

Huh!? That voice…it's been so long since I last heard it. Where is it? Why I can not see it anywhere? The person that I longed for so much in that dirty cage in the north. I know it so well...that was the only thing that kept me sane while I was trapped in there for months. Now I can hear it clearly as if he is in front of me, but I can't see a thing. Where is he?