Better stay quiet

Why is it so difficult for people to express what they feel feely and say what they want to say without having to overthink every possible outcome? That can end up confusing and pushing the other person away from them only because they don't want to hurt their own feelings in the prosses.

Those who are not scared by the thought of losing and rejection and openly express themselves are the ones with a higher possibility of winning someone over since, unlike the one who overthinks and never explains himself, they treat the whole thing like a game. They state what they want which leaves you to decide if you are going to accept it or not and whatever you decide, they are fully prepared for it, winning or losing.

Leaving the other person in the dark and finding the answer to their question is torture and a waste of time. It will never work out until they are determined enough to step out of their comfort zone and convey their emotions.

So, in which category do we fall in? Right now I feel like I am waiting for something that isn't going to happen.

"Raeliana! Raeliana Rapha Phelter, are you listening to me?"

Oh, I was lost in thoughts again, "Yes of…of course your grace, I am listening." What was he talking about again? Uhm…something about an animal? Oh right, we were talking about that since the beginning.

His butler had bought to his attention that there is something roaming around the mansion at night scaring the servant for the past few days and a number of them have gone missing. No one has seen what it looks like, but those who have heard it say that it sounded just like two lynx cats screaming at each other.

"So, what do you think? The situation seems to be getting better since no one has left their room at night since this all started, but we can't forget the fact that those who have disappeared were found decapitated or thrown somewhere with their limbs all twisted not too far from the garden."

Hmm, not too far from the garden. That means the bodies were thrown from my side of the mansion, so some might have already connected the dots and come up with their own conclusion while a few might say it is an animal doing. Besides, it must be my fault that this happened now at all times.

"Your grace, you don't think I did it, do you?"

"Heh, of course not. You don't have a reason to do such a thing and even if you did the timing doesn't add up. You, your sister, and that friend of yours have been living here for more than just a couple of years and neither of you has shown signs that one of you three could be the culprit."

That's good to hear, but there is another reason I couldn't do it. In the agreement we made long ago, it stated that I can do whatever I want with my life, yet if I have to use my powers, his grace has to decide whether or not it's necessary. Then when he needs it, he can use me as a weapon against his 'enemies'.

Although I broke my promise one time for personal reasons, there is no way I could do something since his grace would be the first person to find out about it. It would be stupid for my side.

"However, the placement seems odd to everyone. They are all the places you go to most often and after you moved here they became like your own personal space where no one dares to go in there without being worried about your presence. Not to mention that you can see the whole view from your room, but you didn't notice anything. So, if it's just a mere coincidence, I would like you to look into it and find the person responsible before things get out of hand."

That might either make me look like the hero or the duke's pet, depending on the situation I don't think that I have a choice to refuse here. As long as I find who did it and why they were placed there, every doubt people might have of me will disappear instantly and they will go on with their life as if nothing even happened. But why do I feel so uneasy? Is it because I can't go in that room at night?

"Oh right, I almost forgot. There was something I wanted to talk to you about. I heard a while ago that you and your sister got into a fight and now you both rarely meet."

"Wha? Of… of course not, your grace. We just had a little disagreement nothing to be worried about."

"Is it because of the day that you were born I presume? It was a bit surprising to find out from someone else rather than the person itself, but now you don't need to worry yourself with such things and just focus on the matter at hand."

I know very well that I overreacted and since there is no reason to cry over spilled milk, I tried to talk things out with Mireya, but she kept ignoring me. Even now, she is not here and is eating her breakfast in her room. But he is right, since that's not much of a secret anyways and the duke didn't feel offended by it, I don't have to worry myself and just act like nothing is wrong.

"As you wish, your grace! I am going to find the culprit and report it as soon as possible."

"That would be great. I hope you the best of luck with your investigation."

"Thank you. Now if you excuse me!" *Sigh*… I sure need plenty of it if I want this to end.

It hasn't been that much yet and they have already started to get on my nerves. No one from the palace has shown up or sent a letter pr someone asking about his highness's wellbeing or demanding an explanation for my action, and neither has his aide or that knight woman, which should have been the first red flag. Then the rumor that an animal attacked the servants at night started going around on times I wasn't there to monitor him, but still I am sure he couldn't do it. Not in the state he is in at least.

I don't know where to begin with him. His emotions these days have been all over the place. Sometimes he gets so hyper that I don't seem to get a hold of him and his playfulness.

"Whoa Rai, I never would have thought that you were into this kind of stuff. If I knew beforehand that you wanted me so badly I should have acted more submissive and satisfied your deepest desires.

"Ugh…please don't even think about it! You will give me the creeps the moment you do that, and it doesn't suit your personality anyways."

Then he is gloomy and grumpy. Starts cursing and hating everything and everyone, and when he is done with it, he breaks down, goes under the blankets, and cries himself to sleep. I always feel bad when I see him in such a low spirit and try to find something to cheer him up in any way I can think of, but it will always drive me to the point where the image of the person I loved and admired break into a million pieces before my eyes.

"Why are you so sad, your highness? I will take care of you until you get better. The past is gone, even if you try hard enough it won't change. So why think about those who did you wrong and left you to suffer alone when you can focus on the present and especially yourself?"

But even then, empty words won't solve the problem and heal his scares when I don't know the reason behind his behavior. I can't see it and demanding an explanation from him is pointless when his mental state is deteriorating.

"No, don't say that! I don't need your pity. I will be a burden to you. Time and time again it has always ended the same as the last one. Everything would have been fine if only I didn't leave you alone that day. You hate me already so whatever you do will be out of pity or sympathy, you won't really mean it. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anything! Why was I even born? I should have been the one who died to begin wi-…"

*SLAP*

"W-who…really are you? Why are you stuck in finding someone to blame in this situation when everything would have been a hundred times better if you just thought about the solution?" you are driving me crazy to the point I can't control myself. Tears turn into anger, blurring my vision, and clouding my judgment. You always ignore my question, and act stupid like you don't know anything, making me think that I'm the crazy one for jumping to conclusions. Nothing feels right or wrong anymore. "It's true, I hate the person you showed me of yourself, but I don't hate nor pity you. You are smart enough to understand my reasons, so why are you acting like this? Why can't you tell me anything about our past?"

"Huh!? I don't know what you are talking about?"

Hahah…Haha haha, there he goes again. Why do you have to make it so difficult? You were intentionally dropping hints for me to recall it just a while ago. But now that I know who you are, you won't answer my questions and continue to act dumb?

Hahaha…you all are really challenging my patience here, but I had enough of your endless lies. Raphael and even you give me little pieces of information to feed my curiosity and then start hiding everything when I become interested in reviling the real truth.

"Do you like seeing me suffer, Alastair? Or perhaps you are scared then in an attempt of recalling what is already lost, I might find something that you are desperately trying to cover up? Sweep the accident under the carpet and blaming yourself for it is not going to solve anything."

"I… already know that."

"Then why…?!" Indeed, is going to make you feel better, but look at how unstable we are now and it's all your fault for keeping quiet. If you came to me with the intention to help and tell the truth about what happened from the beginning, I would have believed you. I even felt bad for leaving you there alone while I, myself was desperately trying to find my own place here.

No one cares if I live or not, no one bothered to check if I was happy or not, and yet I really wanted to have someone by my side, one who I could trust and share my pain with. It was suffocating, living day by day with the thought of suffering always following me and I had to try harder to see the light of hope at the end of the road, and there you were. You were here lying to my face all along. You knew everything from the beginning and tried to confuse me, I even thought that you accrued the information from someone else. Miko, Spencer, and Mireya, I doubted all of them were in fact it was all an act.

"Raelian…R-rai, please…please don't cry, I am sorry. It's all my fault, I do better."

"Get away from me! Don't… don't you dare come closer."

I don't know what to think anymore, you are not going to answer me anyways, and even if I vent my anger at you, you are going to lose control and damage yourself one way or another. Pretending like there is nothing wrong in here is hard and requires so much brain power.

I just want to live in peace! Free from all this mystery. Free from lies, free from these invisible chains that are keeping me a slave of my and raphas past. Why do I have to keep living like this? Why can't they just leave me alone?

"If you didn't make that mistake. If you just stayed quiet, I would have never found out." Gypsophila, better known as the baby's breath. A new beginning and everlasting love, huh? Coincidence? I think not. Not only it does not exist in this world, but he was also the one who taught me everything about flowers. Haha… so ironic!

"You made me study like crazy and l had to learn symbolism only because you told me to. Now that I think about it, what was the nickname you gave me that time as a reward? You were actually so fixated on it that you made me believe something was indeed wrong with me."

"R-raeliana, don't say it! Don't even think about it."

Strange. I felt fine just a minute ago. My eyes are heavy, I must be getting tired from crying so much. I can't see him clearly, but he sounds scared rather than demanding. Why is that?

"Oh right, now I remember. Was it…My little lycoris?"