Chapter 1: I Died

Huff, huff, huff.

Holy sheesh kebabs, I'm seriously out of shape! That's what I realized as I sprinted towards my university. Just off the bus, it's a ten-minute walk—or three songs, to be precise.

Usually, I'm punctual, but today I snoozed through my alarm after *ahem* indulging in a Kuroinu marathon and edging for a solid two hours. It's my go-to way to escape reality.

Some do drugs, some do alcohol, and some 'do' people, but me? I indulge in my imagination! You get the point.

I retreat into my mind, crafting entire universes and alternate realities to find solace from the anxieties of the future, lingering embarrassing memories, and the stress of covering my syllabus. It's my safe haven.

But when the time came for my 9 am class on a Monday, I just couldn't peel myself off the bed. Alas, I have strict parents who could win gold in guilt-tripping if it were a sport. So, here I am, two minutes until class starts, barely at the campus gates, bent over and panting like I ran a marathon, sweat dripping from every pore.

As I finally stood up and surveyed the scene, I spotted the future gold standard of thick milfs—my crush—with strands of her dark hair sticking to her pinchable cheeks and the rest bouncing wildly behind her as she ran, and that's not the only thing bouncing *wink wink*.

I quickly averted my gaze, not wanting her to catch me ogling, despite us having spoken and shared mutual friends. Our potential closeness is hampered mostly by my non-existent self-worth, but let's not delve into that. Turning my attention away from her, I witnessed a speeding Amazon delivery truck headed straight for her in the middle of the road.

"Move out of the way!" I don't know what possessed me, perhaps the innate instinct to protect another being, but I ran and tackled her onto the other lane as the truck sped away.

'Screw you, Jeff. If I get rich in the future, I'll buy your company and fire you from beneath your ass.' As I entertained various revenge scenarios, the beauty in my arms finally stirred.

"Huh, dude, the heck are you doing?" she said, winded and pushing me away. I didn't protest, rolling off her to stand. That's when I realized we were still on the road, and the security guard at the gate was frantically whistling and gesturing behind me.

As I turned, another Amazon truck, bigger and more imposing than the last, rivaling the likes of Optimus Prime, approached. Probably sent by good old Jeff to nip a future problem in the bud—a smart move, and I respect that. But I'm not going down without a fight.

As the brakes screeched, I leaned to the side to evade. Big mistake. If I had stayed still, it would have been an instant knockout. But since I leaned, my legs and one arm were clipped.

Lying there in agonizing pain, I felt something soft under my head. Looking up, my crush was gazing at me, eyes tearing up, assuring me it'll be okay as she dialed, I assume, to be an ambulance.

My last thoughts before I blacked out were about her being a solid 10 out of 10 mommy material and how warm her lap was.

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Gah!!! I jolted awake, the phantom pain still wreaking havoc in my mind.

"Huh, I'm awake?" After what felt like days, I gained enough awareness to look beyond myself, and the view did not disappoint. In front of me were the fabled golden gates of heaven, shining in all their glory. Was I a believer? Only because my parents were. Was I a good man? Though I believe so, my actions have never truly proven it. I was a more neutral person than Switzerland.

So, I think I'm here because I saved my crush from, well, being crushed? Yup, that's the most probable reason. As I started to walk towards the golden gates, I failed to notice what they were floating on—clouds. And last I checked; people can't walk on clouds.

The moment I began to move towards the gates, I fell through, towards an all-encompassing void below. And although I admit that I screamed, it should be noted that it was a very manly one. So manly that pre-pubescent children would start growing chest hair if they heard it.

After what felt like falling for an eternity (I had stopped screaming a long while back), I started getting bored. "Although I don't give a crap if I survive the fall or not, as I'm already dead, what I do care about is the chance that it might hurt like a... well, you know."

"Wait, is that light? Oh my god! That's light! Thank you, Shiva, Vishnu, Brahma, Jesus, Allah, and every other God out there! Yes! This eternity of simply feeling the wind on my face is coming to an end. Sorry, Loki, I won't laugh at that portal scene again."

As I fall towards this seeming end of the abyss, I realize two crucial facts. "Why is that light reddish-yellow, and why is it suddenly very hot?"

As I realize that this place is probably the opposite of the golden gates, I am not ashamed to admit that this time, I did not let out a manly scream.

Just as I felt my skin was about to melt, a golden hand popped out of nowhere and dragged me away from whatever hellscape that was, back through the Golden Gates, depositing me in front of what could only be called Gandalf wearing canon Dumbledore's purple starry robes. Blech.

YOINK!!

"Did you just say 'yoink'?!" I screamed at what I can only assume is God.

"No, child, you must be hearing things as it is rather unconventional that someone remained sane after spending so long in the InBetween," is what God just said as I dusted the soot off a white toga-like apparel which I somehow found myself in.

"And I'm not the God you think I am. Just refer to me as ROB (Random Omnipotent Being)," the now named? ROB replied.

Huh, wait a sec, I never said that out loud, so how did he know that I was calling him God? Holy cow! He's reading my mind!? Did he know that I was dissing his sense of fashion?

"Yes, child. Yes, I picked up on it," ROB replied with a grandfatherly smile on his face, but I could see the twitch in the corner of his eye.

Shit! Get out!! Wait, I can do this—think about some morbidly disgusting things and flush him out! Haha! Flush...

A/N: There's going to be a lot of Marvel (and other) references throughout the entire work, so.... brace yourself :)