Chapter 13

Starlet skipped her scheduled lunches with Lucien for the next couple of days. She opted to stay in her studio sculpting instead. She could not stand being around her husband as she was still raw. Yes, it was her fault. She should not have held out any hopes that he didn't cheat on her. He hated her. They'd been nothing keeping him faithful. She was nothing to him. It was hopeless. Maybe it was time she cut him loose.

A big part of her rejected that idea but her mind knew that she couldn't continue this way. Loving Lucien had no pleasure. She just took the fall, the pain and the humiliation. She took everything he threw her way and there was no reward in it. She had finally reached a point she thought she'd never reach. She had finally given up.

She was trying to fix her cracked clay with some water. She stopped when tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn't fix this clay. She couldn't fix her marriage. She was not okay. She felt useless. She was a failure. She stopped working the clay as tears blurred her vision and leaked onto her cheek. And she wiped them up with the corner of her tee. There was a knock on her studio door. Star wiped at her eyes to make sure they were dry before responding.

"Come on in!" She called out without looking up from her sculpting desk. She was trying her best to keep it together. She felt defeated.

Her door opened and closed. Star was pouring a little bit of water from a jug onto her clay and mixing it in. She looked up expecting to see a maid or Ms Wade. She was, however, surprised to see her husband standing there looking like a lost schoolboy. She clanked at the clock on the wall behind him and looked at him in surprise. He was supposed to be at work. Lucien must have known what he was thinking because he smiled wryly.

"I took the day off." He explained with an awkward shrug.

"Why are you here?" Starlet asked him as her clay-caked hand gestured at the room.

"I was wondering if I could take you to lunch," he was hesitant.

Star was tempted but she resisted. She was not in the mood to entertain his odd moods. She needed to recharge her pain tolerance batteries because they were dangerously low. And she was being petty.

"I am busy," she said as she mixed the clay and cursed as she realised that she'd poured too much water into it. It was turning into a thick mud.

"Come on, Star." Ms Wade already prepared lunch for us.

Starlet ignored him and focused on her clay mound. She couldn't save it. It was ruined, and she couldn't continue working it. She sighed and looked at him. A good reminder of how she couldn't fix anything.

What was he playing at? She couldn't take his hot and cold games anymore. She didn't want to. She just needed to take a big step back from him. 

"Starlet," Lucien tried and a sudden burst of anger hit her. She grabbed a fistful of the mud on her desk and threw it at him. It landed on his chest and they both froze like that.

Starlet looked at his face to judge how angry he was. His face frozen in shocked disbelief was comical. She giggled and tried to stifle the next fits of giggle that tumbled out and soon she was laughing. Lucien was smiling self-deprecatingly.

She had been moping around looking more defeated than ever and it had eaten at him. He needed to bring back the girl he had married. He was sure that under the pain he had caused, he could dig her out. He needed to bring back that young girl who had believed in fairytales and happy ever after. He knew he hadn't completely snuffed her out. He had seen a glimpse of her at the beach and he could see her now. She was still there, still holding on.

He went to the sculpting desk and shook his shirt over the table while Starlet regained her breath. A large blob of wed, muddy clay fell onto the table.

Lucien moved closer to his wife and took her hand. She stopped laughing and eyed him like a dog waiting to be kicked. He closed his eyes to those eyes. He had done that. She was not as happy and open as she used to be. He had ruined her.

Star watched as Lucien opened his eyes and she could see the pain in them. Her stubborn resolve scattered like sand in the wind. She wanted to take that pain away. She suspected he'd never allow her. She'd do anything he'd let her.

"Please let me apologise," he said softly reaching out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. This was the first time he asked her for anything. Star could not deny him. Her heart could not let her. Not for long anyway. She nodded her head and was rewarded with a relieved smile that made her heart flutter.

Letting Lucien apologise involved a car ride to what looked like a private park. Lucien took Star by the hand and led her out. He had a picnic basket in the other hand.

"Where are we?" Starlet wanted to know.

"You'll see," Lucien told her as he led her to a brick-faced building.

He pulled her inside and Star was surprised to see a restraint inside. It was of course empty. Lucien ignored the setting and went for the stairs at the other end of the room. When they got up the stairs Star was surprised to discover it was a greenhouse roof. The four walls were made of some glass-like material and above them was a glass-like roof.

Plants seemed to be everywhere.

Lucien put the picnic basket on the only table in the space. It was a glass-top garden table situated between a pair of wicker basket chairs.

"You can take off your coat," Lucien said as he shrugged off of his coat and placed it at the back of a chair. Star copied him tentatively.

Her gaze was roaming the little space. It was beautiful. There was nothing but forest she could see from where she stood. She thought she saw movement in the forest, but whatever she saw was too fast for her to identify.

"Are there animals in the woods?" she asked scanning the tree line.

"Yes," Lucien said as he unpacked the picnic basket placing fruits, pies and drinks on the table.

"It's hunting land beyond this property line. This is just a more relaxed campsite." He told her as he tucked the basket away in a corner and walked back to the table.

Lucien pulled back the chair she had put on her jacket and let her sit down. Then sat himself down on the other side of the table. He picked up one of two empty plates, put a slice of some meat pie on it and placed it in front of his wife.

Starlet picked up a knife and a fork and dug in. They ate in comfortable silence and when they'd had their fill, they sat there sipping on Ms Wade's homemade tomato lime soda.

"I know I've been unfair to you," Lucien said his tone grim, Star tensed and her eyes shot up to meet his.

"I have hurt you," he said as his gaze stayed locked with hers unwaveringly. "I know I cannot say I am sorry and move on. But I am sorry. More than you will ever know, I am sorry."

He suddenly got up and went to stand behind her his back facing her. He was looking past the transparent wall and into the forest. He wasn't seeing it as his eyes held shadows of the past.

"When your father came to me with the offer to marry you, I was dating someone," Lucien said.

Star felt the shock ride her and she turned to look at his back.

"I didn't know," she said and he shook his head.

"Only my family knew," he said. "They didn't approve, and they were pleased when I broke up with her. I hurt her." He said then he turned around and leaned against the wall looking at her.

"I didn't know she was pregnant. I used the cruellest way to break up with her. I thought it would help her move on faster. If she hated me, she could find it easy to find someone else."

Lucien ran his hands through his hair. "The stress got to her and she lost the baby." 

Star could see the pain and grief on his face. Her heart held pain too. He'd loved whomever this woman was. She would see that. He probably loved her now.

"I flew to London to see her but she won't have it." He looked at her, "I then did something stupid. I took it out on you. I am sorry."

Star's mind raced. It had never been just a grudge against her and her father. By moving on with the marriage she had hurt someone he loved and by extension, him. Her heart ached. She could finally understand why he was repelled by her. He could never love her. Tears welled up in her eyes. She'd been wasting her time and keeping him away from someone he loved. He could never love her. Her love alone might never be enough to make him love her. It was probably impossible for him to give his heart to her.

Lucien walked the short distance to her side and hunkered down next to her. He took her hand in his and held it there.

"I blamed you for what I did," Lucien said gently his gaze searching hers. "I am sorry. I was wrong."

Starlet wondered if he still loved his ex but she could not bring herself to ask. Her love was a selfish type of love. She didn't dare ask. If she asked, she might give up on him. She didn't want to give up on him.

"Forgive me," Lucien said. "Please."

Star moved without thinking. She bent forward in her chair, drew her hands from his grasp, and wrapped her arms around him.

Lucien froze in shock for a second and then hugged her back. He got up from his crouched position and pulled her along with him until they were standing.

Star had a new hope. Maybe she could love him enough to form a space for herself in his heart. There was no other way. She just wanted him in her life. If he could give her a morsel of his heart, she would cherish it.