Letting go

I forgot that I had a tendency to hold grudges. Some of the things that I said to you weren't true but I said them anyway to reflect the level of hurt that I felt. I don't think this apology would make a difference but I'm sending it to you because I recognise that I've done something wrong and you deserve to hear me say it.

I'm sorry, I thought this letter was going to be longer. This should've been a text.

Saying sorry won't compensate for the hurt, damage and insults I threw your way.

Apologies are much easier to do than improving bad behavior. That's why most peoples apology tendering skills are much more developed while they leave behind the necessity of improving.

Looking back on when you visited me. I went to work and exhausted my body throughout the day,

I didn't get enough sleep at night.

I swallowed most of the words I wanted to say to you and let my thoughts fuck up my peace of mind.

I've been the one who tired me the most.

In an effort to change your behaviour to what I saw as the ideal, I started adopting traits that I thought you needed to shed. You could never see past your side of anything so I stopped trying to see past mine. Your apologies made it clear that you didn't think that you did anything wrong so I stopped admitting fault. You were never hesitant to say something negative (a criticism, condemnation or complaint) so I stopped waiting for you to do it and started making negative statements as well. You opened the door for me to call you and emotional abuser by calling me a narcissistic manipulator which probably held a kernel of truth to you. Two wrongs don't make a right but I got tired of asking you to stop. I took the fire for fire approach which I've come to regret. Calling you and emotional abuser was an exaggeration that holds a kernel of truth in the sense that you are not swayed by the feelings of others. If you want to lay into someone for doing something you don't like, you're going to do it regardless of their state of mind or wether you were having a pleasant conversation just a moment before.

I didn't realize that all this was turning me into a monster. The monster that I thought I was fighting in you.

I know what I like about myself. You probably liked how calm I was but you forced me to try to adapt to you and my vindictive nature made me seek to inflict the same emotional damage on you proportional to what you did to me. I'm not going to let that happen again.

I think the only way to do that is to call out what I don't like early and make clear that not let it build to the point where I start getting vengeful.

I didn't want to tell you this because I don't think you want to hear it but I keep trying to move on and I'm having trouble letting go.

I know I hurt you intentionally and that was wrong but if you tell me that I'm the only one that feels this way, I'll understand. All you have to do in that case is to point me to a Kj rehab/detox centre.

I've had a feeling for the last two days like there's something I've forgotten to do. Something missing. When you texted me back, the feeling disappeared. I'm choosing to remain blissfully ignorant of what that means. Also, I need to know if texting you is allowed. Am I bothering you or breaking any rules.

Yours incoherently,

Olaf.