Chapter 60

Eddard held Cersei all night. He could not sleep. He promised to take Cersei and Rickon to Castle Black. He touched one of the golden strands that framed her face. She sighed and opened her eyes. "Close your eyes. Try to sleep. You are going North in the morrow." She said tiredly.

"I cannot. Jon was correct. I should have never let him go. I should have kept him in Winterfell. I should have kept guards outside his door." Ned stated. The doubts assaulted him. Cersei touched his cheek and looked incredibly haunting. She looked sadder than when they lost Joffrey, sadder than when Jon fell on his head.

"And then what? What would have happened when he found a way to escape. He would have gone without provisions, without anyone to back him." Cersei said mournfully. "Sleep my love. This was his destiny." She said carefully, painfully.

Ned kissed her gently. "How are you so convinced Lioness?" It surprised him that his lady wife would be so willing to let go of Bran. Ned expected her to be furious, to be angry. He expected her to refuse his company altogether.

Cersei held him and cried. Ned looked at her and panicked for a few minutes. "My love, forget my words." He wished, he never uttered anything.

Cersei cried harder and clung to him. "I have dreaded this moment. I have dreaded telling you. Eddard you will hate me. You will abhor my presence you will feel disgust every time you see me. It has to be tonight; this is our last night before you go off North. The greenseer boy said you had to know."

Ned was confused and fearful. "Never, Cersei, you do not have to tell me. You can keep your secrets yours." He was not keen on knowing anything that could reduce his Lioness to a mess of tears and half hushed words.

Cersei kissed him and looked into his eyes, "I have to tell you. I have to, before it is too late. The Reed boy was specific. He said that I must not keep this from you, not anymore. This is the last secret, the last bit of information that I have kept from you."

Eddard Stark felt a stab of ice inside his belly. "What is it my love?"

"That greenseer boy. He knew about Maggy. He knew about him. He knew about Tyrion and mother. He knew everything. He knew things I had never told a soul. I never told anyone about Maggy." Cersei cried pitifully.

She was not making any sense. His lady wife cried more and then breathed deeply. "Promise, on your honor, on our children that you will not exile from our home. Promise that you will let me see my Rickon grow up. Swear Ned." She said while wiping way tears.

Ned looked at her and nodded, "I promise." After all, the secret he had unwillingly kept was far worse. "I only ask for your forgiveness Cersei in your return."

Cersei nodded as well. "I must tell you first."

"I was to become Rhaegar Targaryen's betrothed. I wanted to know my future. There was a witch who had lived in Lannisport. I went with my companion and the witch told me that I would have three children and that I would be queen. She said I would bury my children and I did. Ned, I did. Joffrey, our girl and that last baby before our Jon. Jojen Reed knew this. He asked for a private audience and told me about the prophecy. He said Maggy was mistaken about half the prophecy. I never became queen but my children did die."

Ned listened to her. She had never told him about this witch. "Jojen spoke about Tyrion and mother. The boy knew about how mother had died. He knew mother bled out. He knew that Tyrion ripped her apart."

He could not help but add, "All Westeros knows that."

Cersei looked at him with anguished eyes, "But no one knows. No one knows that mother asked me to take care of Tyrion. It was only me and her. She asked for me only. I remember thinking mother would be fine. Aunt Genna left me with her and mother looked at me and said, "Take care of your baby brother. Take care of him, love him, love him because father will not."

Ned waited for her to finish her tale. "I nodded and I left for the sept. I prayed for days. I prayed until I was hoarse and then some more. I stayed in the sept even after aunt Genna told me mother was gone. I prayed for the Gods to take Tyrion and give me my mother back. Father found me and told me to stop. "Gods do not exist. They will not bring mother back. If they are merciful they will take that monster with them." Cersei said hollowly. "I hated Tyrion. I hated him with all my being since then. I could not keep my promise to mother." She cried more.

"I avoided him. I wanted him dead. Jaime tried to make me love Tyrion but not even he could make me." Ned looked at her once more.

"I loved Jaime more than anything in the world. More than mother, more than father. I loved him. I spent every hour of the day with him. I played house and kisses with him. He was my first kiss; he was my first everything." Ned paled. He heard of some rumors of the sort when he first went to King's Landing. He felt repulsed.

He stood up and paced. Ned looked at her on the furs crying and she kept talking. "We only coupled once. Just before the first war broke."

Ned could not hear her anymore. He looked at her once more and what he felt shamed him. He loved her, he was still in love with her. She cried and stood up. Cersei tried to touch him. He shook her off, "Did you fuck him in my home?" He remembered Jaime's two visits and tried to think if Cersei had been alone with him for more than a few minutes."

She shook her head, "It all stopped before I married you. I swear it on the live of our children. I stopped."

"Eddard please." Cersei did not wipe her tears. She looked at him and cried.

He did not dare touch her. "Your brother. He was the man you loved. The one who kept you from loving me all those years. I began to love you before you did. I always knew that."

Cersei grabbed his hands. He waved them off. "Please my love." She begged and tried to hold him once more.

"I am not your love. I have never been your love. Your heart has always belonged to him." Ned spat painfully.

"I have loved you since before I knew I could love you. Ned, I realized I loved you after I saw you cry in the Godswoods. The anniversary of Lyanna's death. I began to love you before that. You are my true love. Jaime and I, what we lived was desperation. Father ignored us. Mother died and we had no one. We were so lonely. We took comfort in each other. I regret every touch, Ned, I only love you." She said with honesty.

He turned away from him. Lord Stark did not want to look at her anymore. She reached and pressed her face on his back. "I swore to never be with Jaime when Jon fell on his head. Ned, I have been true to you since before then. I love you. I feared loving you; I knew whatever twisted affection Jaime and I shared paled in comparison to what I felt for you. I began loving you since before the twins were born." He could feel her tears on his back.

"I don't love him anymore. I love you Ned." She held him. Ned turned and looked at her tear stained and blotchy face. It pained to see her like this. "Does he love you still?" Eddard was ready to find the kingslayer and rip him apart.

"I do not know. Tyrion wrote that Jaime was taken with Brienne of Tarth. Joanna confirmed as much." Ned wanted to feel disgust for her but he could not. He wanted to rage and cast her aside but he could not. He thought about sending her to Tyrion. He remembered years ago when Jon was a babe and she made him swear to not turn her to the Rock. He imagined taking Rickon from her and shuddered. "If I ever see your brother I will rip him apart, limb by limb." He had never felt so much hatred for another human being. "I do not want you writing to him ever again. You have made me your fool long enough Cersei." He said venomously.

Cersei nodded. She hugged him. "Forgive me Ned. I thought surely you would be repulsed and turn me back to Casterly Rock. I saw no good in telling you. I did not know you. I feared for my safety and then you gave me Jon and I could not bear leaving my boy. We had children and I was happy. I feared I would hurt you deeply and I have." She kissed his cheek and he cried with her.

"I am so sorry my love." She sobbed. He was ashamed that he did not blame her. He blamed Jaime. "I love you Cersei." He said with a gruff voice. "My love for you runs deep and I fear it will not change not even after knowing about this."

He was angry at her. "I think this time away from you will be good."

Cersei regained a semblance of herself. "Good night Eddard." She said and moved to the adjacent quarters where Rickon slept peacefully.

Ned let her go. He went back to their bed and closed his eyes. He felt unease. Ned thought about all those years. He tried to remember whenever Cersei received letters from Jaime. She was happier when she wrote to him but only those first years when they did not have Robb yet. Ned had always been jealous of Jaime. He had been jealous of the way she spoke of him but Lord Stark's jealousy diminished because with time the letters lessened. Cersei was busier, Jaime did not write as much. "He was her first." She loved him. She loved her own brother.

Ned sat up. Cersei only couple with him once. He did not care to know what else she had learned and experienced with her twin. It had not happened in years. Cersei loved him. He was sure she did. Ned sighed and tried sleeping. His intentions of telling her about his doubts and possible secrets vanished. He tossed and turned for three hours. He thought of Cersei's words. He tried to think of the times when his wife mentioned her brother and could not come up with a single instance where she gushed or fawned over him. Cersei had been devoted to his children, to him. He remembered fondly Robert's first visit to Winterfell. It was as if something turned inside of her. She took care of him, made sure the servants cooked his favorite meals. She touched him more. Cersei kissed him and spent every night in his bedchambers ever since Robert visited.

He stood up and opened the door to Rickon's quarters. Cersei lay on the bed clutching Rickon to her. She was wide awake and blinked at him.

Ned touched his son's cheek. He attempted to move him away from him. Cersei shook her head and held tightly, "No, you promised me."

He felt like the vilest man. "I will not take him from you. Come back to our bed."

Cersei nodded and kissed their son. She followed him back to their quarters.

"I wished you had never told me about that man." Ned gritted.

"It had to be done. I did not want anymore secrets. Oddly enough I feel better to have told you. I do not want to keep anything from you my love." She replied. He knew her well; Cersei knew that he was not as angry as when she first told him about her secret.

Ned touched her cheek and kissed her. "Never again speak of this. I do not want us to speak of this ever again."

She nodded and held him. They went to bed and rested for the rest of the night. Ned's tiredness won the battle and he slept for a few hours before they journed to Castle Black.

He greeted his sons and the few men that were to accompany him to Hardhome. Benjen would stay in Castle Black. He went to his brother, "Take care of her and Rickon. Send her back to Winterfell if you have the slightest suspicion of mutiny or danger amongst your men. Keep a close eye on Slynt and Thorne." He hugged him. "Listen to Maester Aemon."

Benjen smiled good naturedly, "I am not your little brother here. I am Lord Commander."

Ned smiled back, "you will always be my baby brother. Take care." He turned to Cersei who kissed Tommen last.

"Benjen is under instruction to take you and Rickon to Winterfell should anything happen. You will listen to him Cersei, I shan't have you in any danger." Cersei nodded.

His wife looked sickly. She looked tired and sad. He kissed her cheek. "I love you Ned." She whispered gently. He kissed her forehead. "I love you too."

Her eyes watered, "I will wait for you here my love." She said hopefully. He wished he would forget about what she revealed. Ned wanted to tell her about his doubts but it was time to go.

Tormund would lead the expedition to the wildling village. The plan was to gather and convince as many wildlings to leave the North and settle in Westeros. They would live in the Gift and the abandoned keeps near the Wall. They needed to have as many fighting men as they could. Benjen had distributed the wildling men through out the keeps. His brother feared uprisings from both his men and the wildlings. He kept trustworthy men in each keep as a form of control. Ned applauded that thinking but he was concerned. Northerners and wildlings would have to see eye to eye and live amongst each other. They had fragile peace for the moment. Benjen would have to be alert to keep the crows and wildlings from fighting each other.

Once their party was ready. He saw his children mounted. Jon led the party followed by Tommen and lastly Robb. Tormund and his men parted shortly after. Ned Stark mounted his steed and joined the wildling and his men. "We will be in Hardhome in a week after we board your ships. It will take us a week to get to the harbor." The man laughed. "If your son has his way we will find ourselves there in four days."

Ned smiled, "he is determined that one."

Tormund then proceeded to tell a tale about a bear. Ned laughed uproariously by the end. They camped late at night when it was clear the horses could not march on. Robb, Tommen and Jon camped with him. They ate some elk and drank ale until they felt a little warm. They spoke of the plans for the morrow. Once again Jon and Tommen would ride first. They would be accompanied by a small host of wildlings. Tormund would follow with him. He did not like the idea of his sons riding ahead but they had agreed that it would not be proper to have Lord Stark Warden of the North ride ahead and then have a host of westerosi men trail after him. They would wait inside the ships. It would be seen as an attack rather than the peace accord they wanted to forge.

Ned slept uncomfortably. He thought of Cersei and her confession. He thought of their children. He thought of Jon and his doubts. He tried to sleep and dreamed of Lyanna or maybe he was remembering. "Promise me Ned." She had said as she died. He tried, he left the babe in the whorehouse. He would take him North but then Robert decided he would marry Cersei Lannister and he had to go back to King's Landing. He dreamed of that evening when he received raven that his nephew had died crossing the Riverlands. Ned had been assuaged with guilt but he also felt a flash of relief. The boy was dead and so was his baby sister.

He woke up and drank some ale. "He is a Targaryen." Maester Aemon whispered to him. "He is to rule the Seven Kingdoms along with Daenerys and Aegon. He is the third Head of the Dragon."

Ned wished Cersei never told him about Jaime. He had to tell her. Ned wanted Cersei to reassure him and tell him the old dragon was wrong. Cersei would have made it better. Eddard had told his son. Jon was his son. He was his. He knew it the moment he laid eyes on him. It was his boy, but was him? Wyla, her name was Wyla. Wyla threw herself from the highest tower. The dornish girl told him. "She said she did not want the little one. Said, you raped her, said she hated the little one." Ned had been enraged. He never raped the tavern wench. She enjoyed herself. He remembered seeing her broken body. What if Jon was not his. Could it be? Ned tried to recall the timeline. He only remembered taking the wench around the time Brandon died, close to a year before he found a dying Lyanna and her babe. Jon could not be older than Lyanna's babe.

Jon tossed and turned and stood up. He sat in front of her neither spoke. He looked just like him. Lyanna and him looked like each other. The ears, those ears where not his, nor were the cheekbones. Did Wyla have those cheekbones? He could not recall.

"Mother looked weary when we left. She looked sad." Jon said accusingly.

"She was." Ned acquiesced.

"Why?" Jon asked and glared at him.

"She sent her three children and her husband North of the Wall son. Cersei is intelligent and this war is far more dangerous than the war in the South." Ned explained.

"Mother said to forgive you for Bran." Jon looked pained.

"I do not need your forgiveness Jon. I am at peace with what I did. You will understand when you have children. Bran was destined, and in some way you know. You know what we are where we come from. We are descendants from the first men. You have dreams, you have a connection with Ghost. You can be him. Bran told me. You and him are perhaps the only Starks that can remember when they become their direwolves or that remember those vivid dreams. I for one remember dreaming of your mother heavy with child. Bran had not been conceived yet but I dreamed of him. I dreamed of his name of his face. Your mother was against having more children. "We have an heir, two spares and two girls to marry off. Cersei was not keen on having Bran." Your brother is needed elsewhere I know it so." Lord Stark watched as his son struggled with words.

Jon drank ale, "Robb and Tommen are fathers."

Ned nodded, "They are. I have grandchildren I have not met."

Jon half smiled, "I do not understand you father." He stood up and went back to his furs.

He was so much like him. Jon did not do small talk; he was angry and preferred to keep quiet. Jon however sulked. Ned never sulked. He closed his eyes and missed Cersei more than ever. He willed this trip to be quick. He willed the wildlings to be receptive.

It seemed Tormund was correct. They made it to harbor in three days; a week later they were docked and waiting for the wildlings. Robb came back, "Jon is trying to convince them."

Ned rode and entered the hut. "The dead are coming. You know what awaits you here." Jon said passionately. "Would you rather join the army of the dead than kneel?"

Ned listened to his son speak. "We are the free folk. I will not kneel to anyone. I have no king."

"You will not kneel. We are offering you shelter. The long night approaches and this village will be the first to be attacked."

"Your kind always make empty promises." An elderly lady said.

"I cannot guarantee you kindness from the westerosi. You will not be welcomed with open arms. I offer you safety, food, shelter and work. I urge you to follow me. We will take as many as we can. We are prepared to take all of you. All those who can work will work. We need each other. We all come from the first men. We are northerners we understand our customs, we understand winter. A free woman once told me that we were the same. I scoffed at her; I thought I was better but we were the same. We pray to the same gods. The only thing that divides us is a Wall. You all need to be on the other side of that wall. Winter is coming and with it the white walkers." Jon finished.

There was no further need for Lord Stark. The wildlings accepted and boarded the ships, at least half of them did. The army of the dead came. Ned had never seen so many white walkers. He unsheathed Ice and charged. He commanded the men. They were armed with dragon glass and whatever Valyrian steel they could find. His children fought beside him. The dead rose and overcrowded them.

Ned called the men back. "To the ships." He yelled. Robb and Tommen dragged Jon. His eldest seemed to be on a mission to kill or be killed. "Head back now."

Tormund, Grey Wind, Ghost and Shaggydog defended the Stark heirs. Ned fought off some more white walkers and boarded the small boat that would take them to the ships. He put as many wildlings in the boats.

"There are thousands of them." Tommen said as he looked at the shores. They were brimming with the undead.

"We need more men." Robb said breathlessly.

"Stannis will not send more men." Jon said ominously. Robb and Tommen argued in favor of their brother in law. Surely, the king would listen. Ned knew better. Stannis had to see the white walker for himself. Stannis would not leave King's Landing, not so soon after a war that almost left the Capitol and the Southerner houses in ruins.