Happy, Sad, Angry

"Day one was a success!" I yelled as I realized it was dark outside and the time was 9:48pm

I have to admit, staying home isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Aside the fact that I couldn't take a dose of my daily sunlight, everything was good.

When I woke up, I cleaned the entire house,every square inch of my room. After that, I went out to dispose off the trash where I saw June also throwing out her trash, we said our greetings from our side of the road and from there I went to take my bath before I started the business of the day.

Cooking!

Since I bought some foodstuffs yesterday, I decided to make pasta garnished with vegetables, fish, prawn and the likes, pancakes, and round it off with a bowl of creamy salad.

After cooking and eating my morning portion, I took a long nap which was induced by tiredness gained from the cooking's stress.

By the time I woke up, it was already noon, 2:37pm to be precise and I was happy the day went super fast without me noticing.

After some minutes of staring into space and doing nothing, I decided to do HBO and chill with some of the snacks I got, and while doing that, the time went by peacefully once again without me being aware.

Soon, I got tired of movies and seeing that there was nothing else to do, I decided to go online, chat with my friends, check my Instagram feed, and get updated which I was still doing as I laid on the bed, ready to sleep.

After a while I dropped my phone, and entered the bathroom for a hot shower to relive the tension I got from staying in one position for a long time.

After showering and dressing up in my night dress, I watched the solemn street in front of me through the window in the living room.

Normally, at this time of the day, this street would be buzzing with people going down or coming up while chatting cheerfully but now it was so silent that you could hear the night birds chirping and I would be lying if I said I didn't feel like taking a walk out on street.

It felt so peaceful even from the inside

The urge to give it life was so much that I had to close the windows with immediate effect so as to avoid doing what I might regret.

I know better than to go outside, especially in the night.

After switching off the lights, I went to sleep.

~*~

I woke up the next day with the sun rays in my face and almost blinding me. It took me a while to adjust my eyes to the heavy rays that hit me, because my curtains did me no favour shielding me from them which was my fault since I forgot to draw them

And that was the start of a bad day

I went to the bathroom, took a cold shower, trying to wake myself up and live the day like I did yesterday, but then, all the leftovers of the chirpy feeling left me as I stepped out of the bathroom.

Everything became tiring, overly boring, and frustrating at the same time.

Walking into the kitchen, I saw the huge mess I had made the day before and rather than clean it up like I should have done yesterday, I opened the fridge and poured myself a bowl of cereal.

'This is too boring. I don't like living like this, on the same routine with nothing new to keep me stimulated and I'm forced to live like this today and tomorrow? Isn't that too harsh?' I said to no one

As I made to put another spoon of cereal in my mouth, my eyes lazily moved towards the window and I saw the sun, shining so bright, mocking my own gloomy life.

'How could it be shinning that bright when literally no one can go into it and enjoyed its bliss? It's unfair!'

Suddenly, I started feeling grim and restless, and all sorts of good, bad, and depressing thoughts started racing through my head at the same time, and the intesity shocked me

I dropped my spoon without finishing my meal, I went to close the blinds, blocking the sunlight, I turned off the bright lights in the living room leaving the dim ones, then I turned on the air conditioner and stereo, giving my room a dark feeling, something to match the way I was feeling

"Better," I said out loud feeling a little bit contented with the state of my room then went back to eat my cereal only to find out it was already soggy.

"Can today please be a good day?" I screamed, feeling frustrated at both the cereal and myself.

Not that it was the cereal's fault, it was mine.

Every inch of my subconscious kept screaming at me to go out and take a stroll and not being able to do that made me feel uncomfortable in my skin.

I felt suffocated

"Come on girl, three days is a piece of cake, why are you like this?" I asked myself

The level of discomfort I felt was so bad that I could've started crying on the spot

I decided to lay down on the sofa and close my eyes, to let go of all my emotions and let the day pass like yesterday, and before I knew it, I fell into a deep sleep.

Then I had a dream.

I saw a big-scary wolf almost as tall as I am, looking at me with its red glowing eyes in what I'd call a loving-scary way.

Like I was a meal

It then crouched in front of me and I patted it's head, played with its fur while it whined and then it rested its head on my lap as I sat down on the grass and we looked at the fullmoon together with a contented look on our faces.

Waking up, I felt very weird. I should have been scared and running for my life while the wolf chased after me but it was the opposite, we were kind of too intimate, and it looked almost like it was my pet dog.

That disturbed me and added to my discomfort

I felt like it was a sign that the animal out there wasn't as bad as people made it out to be

It could've been a dog made to look big in the shadows but then I guessed it was the after-effect of thinking about going into the forest to see the wild animal they were talking about before sleeping that made me have a weird dream

I stood up, went to to the fridge to get water to drink and my discomfort was then joined by mixed feelings. I was feeling happy, sad, and angry at the same time and I started feeling frustrated.

I couldn't understand the motions of my feelings, it felt like the room was conjested with heat and was closing in on me, and that made me feel suffocated.

I tried to calm myself down because I felt it was my fault for dwelling on an idea that wasn't sensible and feeling like bringing the idea to life that made me all crazy, but nothing worked

I didn't feel like me at all

I felt restless, I felt suffocated and I felt frustrated and I started wondering if it was normal.

With the hope of relieving myself, I opened the blinds and stood directly at the airflow area, but that didn't help the internal heat I was feeling.

And before I knew it, the discomfort started eating away my sanity, slowly

"Very good," I said out loud while taking deep breaths, aiming to calm my racing heart "first I was feeling all sorts of emotions at the same time and for no reason, now I'm close to death, all because of a bloody curfew"

When I felt calm enough, I decided to clean the house so as to keep busy and after cleaning I stepped outside to discard the trash.

On getting outside, the environment felt weird.

Aside the fact that I felt like walking down the street, I noticed the street was extra quite, like no sound coming from anywhere far and near, no children shouting or music playing, no nothing.

'Probably everyone's as tired as I am and also it's mid-afternoon, they could be taking a nap' I thought trying to give reason to why the street was quiet, compared to yesterday.

I went back inside, took an apple, and decide to binge watch some movies.

Two hours into the show, my restlessness came back in two folds and the urge to go out started eating me up badly.

Vivid images of fireflies, wolves, flowers and beautiful trees started popping up in my head without consent and it felt so overwhelming, it made me feel crazy and it made me feel like satisfying my stupid urge, but I knew better than to go outside, even though I felt compelled to do so.

'It could be the magic the women were talk about' I thought to myself, trying to give an excuse for the feelings plaguing me

After some minutes of internal battle, I decided to drink my troubles away. I felt there was no better solution to my lost mind than alcohol.

I combined vodka and wine, I went to put on some music then started drinking my sorrows away

I drank until dark and I was more than intoxicated, I was happy

I knew my limit, I passed it and I was happy I did, I felt free and out of control

And out of control I was because without second thoughts, I did the first thing that came to my happy mind, I stepped outside the house, walked down the street and towards the north forest while still holding a bottle of wine.