Special chapter: Innocence

From the time I was born until I was 15 years old, I could describe myself in 4 words: Innocent, kind, shy and calm.

At this age, I was even more indifferent than I am today.

When I was in kindergarten I had no friends, even at that time I was lousy in social relationships.

I also skipped a year, probably the year they taught me to be 'normal'.

Different things happened in primary school.

First of all I had a friend.

He was a chubby and geek boy (which was very weird back then), he even wore glasses.

But he was a good friend.

Although I always sat alone at recess, (since I liked being lost in my thoughts), he always approached me and told me about the wonders of the geek and gamer world.

Although I had nothing to add due to my inexperience, he never judged me, he never expected anything in return, he just wanted someone to listen to him.

And so he told me about many things, Creepypastas, God of war, Resident evil, even Dross videos.

All with great emotion and joy.

I just listened to all of his stories with curiosity and a smile on my face.

Creepypastas scared me, especially sonic.exe and tails doll, but my curiosity and desire for something other than indifference overshadowed that fear.

He was a great friend, my first and last friend.

Besides, he was the only thing that made me want to go to school.

In elementary school I suffered a lot mentally.

And it's not what you think, the ones who made me suffer were the teachers.

I always believed that they hated me, or that I was not as smart as the girl who always had a perfect grade.

But the main cause of my low grades was my lack of artistic ability.

I can do practically anything, cook, exercise to death, learn music, understand people, or learn anything in a short time.

But my artistic ability is 0.

Even my handwriting is horrible.

And that was why I always had terrible grades.

Not because my understanding was wrong, but because my drawings weren't pretty.

There was only one teacher who was good to me.

The math teacher.

He always told me that I was the best in my class, even when I didn't have the best grade.

That helped my almost non-existent confidence a bit.

Maybe that's why I wanted to be an engineer.

I was always someone strange, even I consider myself that way.

I never had a conversation of more than 5 minutes with the rest of my colleagues.

Some even teased me verbally, but seeing that my expression never left boredom they quickly gave up.

Even so, I was always a crybaby.

I would cry for almost anything, the slightest physical damage made me cry.

I was completely unable to stop my tears when I started crying.

Besides that, the only thing I did was lose myself in my thoughts.

One day I discovered the lies.

At first I thought it was a way to entertain people with stories made up by yourself.

But then I realized its true purpose.

If used correctly, people would do whatever you wanted.

Yet I never used them to harm others.

I just wanted them not to hurt me.

That's why I always lied so I wouldn't go to school.

But after a while they stopped believing me and I had to accept my fate.

I always admired people who made others laugh with their occurrences, it made me happy to see how other people shared in such a pleasant way.

That's why I've always liked humor, except when people humiliate themselves.

Then I started high school and it was more of the same.

When I was only 5 years old, I realized that one day I was going to die, along with all the people I knew.

And at 14 I had one of those existential doubts about why I exist and what my purpose is.

That only lasted a week, then I said to myself, 'you know what, who cares.'

Back then I realized that I could live 80 years without purpose or direction and I would be completely fine.

I remember a certain conversation with a classmate.

I always saw him humble himself and do things that he did not want for the attention of others.

And when I asked him why he was doing it, he just told me 'because otherwise they wouldn't pay attention to me'.

Was he seriously humiliating himself just for attention?

Has no sense.

From that day on I promised myself that I would always be honest with who I am and with my opinion on any subject.

And then, when I was 15 years old, they changed me of school.

If I were just as innocent as in the past I would be dead, even without the need for a zombie apocalypse.