The Reason

One thing I learned about this industry I'm in is to be silent until the rumors die-down on its own. Let them talk about it because you don't owe them an explanation. Besides, it's your personal life, dapat sa 'yo lang umiikot ang issue'ng iyon. Other people shouldn't made it a big deal. Hindi naman kasi ka-big deal big deal 'yon. Walang ka-big deal big deal sa pamba-busted. What now if I did it? I did it for our own good, me and Mikan.

I stroll around London and successfully arrived at where Kiara's staying before someone notice me. Mabuti na lang at forte ko na ang pagtatago, walang nakapansin sa akin.

"Oh, my God! I missed you so much, Sandreanna!"

Mahigpit kong niyakap si Kiara habang tinatanggal ang hoodie at baseball cap na pinangtakip ko sa buong mukha ko. I hugged her tighter. I missed you too, Kiki.

"Oh, my God! Sit down, sit down! How was your trip going here? Hindi ka ba dinumog ng fans mo? You look… exhausted." She looks at me from head to foot, analyzing every bit of my body. Like the psychology major in her.

I am really exhausted, Kiara! I am exhausted from all these shits that circulating around me. But I didn't let her hear my thoughts. I know she'll get worried.

"I'm fine, Ki. Ikaw? Kumusta ka na? You look… fantastic! Never seen you that sexy, Kiki!" Isinantabi ko ang ball cap na suot ko at umupo sa designated seat na itinuro ni Kiara kanina. She also seated and never let go of my hand since I broke our embrace.

"Pumayat nga ako, e," she said, pouting cutely.

"Why? Are you kind of losing weight ba? Getting into shape?"

Umiling siya. "Nah, I'm into problems kaya pumayat ako ng ganito."

Tumabi na rin siya sa akin pero napangiwi ako sa huling sinabi niya. "Ikaw? Magkakaroon ng problema? Not that I could think of. The last time you had a problem, na sh-in-are mo sa akin, ay 'yong problem ng parents mo. And that happened maybe more than a decade ago."

She chuckled and rolled her eyes. Kinuha niya ang wine glass with obviously wine inside. Sa tantiya ko, kanina pa niyang in-enjoy ang wine na ito since it's half empty already. Ibinigay niya sa akin ang wine glass na iyon, which I happily received.

"Problems, my dear Sandi, are inevitable. Take it from Kiki." She clanked our glasses together and smiles in a simper manner. Sumandal na rin siya sa couch at tumingala sa well-crafted ceiling of the suite.

I silently laugh and nodded to her remarks, quite agreeing with it. Sinunod ko ang ginawa niya, sumandal din ako sa back rest ng couch at tiningnan ng mabuti ang kisame ng kuwartong ito.

It's relaxing but ain't peaceful enough to give my heart contentment. Pero natutuwa na rin ako. Minsan ginagawa namin ni Kiara 'to, especially when we're heavenly intoxicated sa puder ng mga Osmeña and Mikan's not around for awhile to entertain his cousins. Pero this time, we're sober enough to stare at the dead air.

"Ngayon na nga lang tayong nagkita, pag-uusapan pa natin ang problema," sabi ko.

"That's what friends should do. Talk about problems. And speaking of problems, are you fine? Are you coping well? Are you ready to talk about what really happened between you and Mikan?"

Pareho kaming napalingon sa isa't-isa. Nakataas ang dalawang eyebrow niya habang sa akin ay magkasalubong dahil sa pagtataka. How is she calm asking those questions?

"Kapatid ka ba ni Tito Boy? Dami mong tanong. Isa-isa lang."

Umayos na lang ako sa pagkakaupo at iniharap ang katawan ko sa direksiyon niya. Isinandal ko ang isa kong braso sa back rest ng couch habang sinisimsim ang wine na hawak ko. She remained on her position but still looking at me, smirking.

"I flew all the way here to ask you those questions, Sandreanna. Please don't disappoint me. Mag-share ka na sa akin at saka ibebenta ko sa mga reporter sa Pinas ang hot issue na ito," she joked.

"Tange. At talagang hindi mo man lang dinala ang anak mo ha? Where is my inaanak nga pala?"

"With his daddy."

I purse my lips and nod. "You saw Mikan's live video?" pag-iiba ko sa usapan.

"Nope. Nakita ko na lang sa Facebook. When I saw you two were trending."

"Anong naging reaksiyon mo nang malaman mo 'yong tungkol sa issue?"

"Wait a minute, I should be asking you questions. Not the other way around," she exaggerated. "But, yeah. I know about it already so it didn't shock me to the bones like what others reacted."

"Wait, you knew about it? What did you know?"

"Mikan's feelings for you. Though I didn't know he's going to confess in that manner."

"You knew Mikan's feelings towards me?!"

What did I miss again?

"Yeah? It's kind of obvious kaya. No'ng high school pa lang tayo. Hindi mo alam?"

"What the hell? Alam mo? And you did not even dare to say it to me, Kiki?"

"Wait, hindi mo ba na-feel? It's so obvious kaya!"

"Anong obvious do'n? E, pareho naman ng treatment si Mikan sa ating dalawa. So how will I suspect that he likes me?"

"Ugh! You are so manhid talaga 'no? Sabagay, three years ago ko nga lang na-confirm ang tungkol sa feelings niya sa 'yo. But I already have hunches way back high school."

"Three years ago?"

"Yep. That's the time when we, the Lizares, got invited to an Osmeña family event in Palawan."

Osmeña family event? Lizares? Palawan? Three years ago? Oohh, I think I know that one.

"Oh, okay."

"No'ng na confirm ko nga 'yong feelings niya for you… hindi ako initially sumang-ayon. Yeah, we're bestfriends and that was really a shock in the bones, 'no. But aside that, I am really a fan of you and Siggy together. I like you for him, for my brother-in-law."

Na-bottoms up ko ng wala sa oras ang wine na hawak ko dahil sa sinabi ni Kiara. I winced, just to show how disgusted I am.

"Ew! Yuck! Never. I don't want to associate my name with that asshole."

"Grabe. Maka-ew naman 'to. Siggy's not that bad kaya. At saka, bitter na bitter? Hindi pa rin nakaka-move on?"

Bonggang-bongga akong napa-roll eyes dahil sa mga pinagsasabi ni Kiara. This talk is going nowhere basta nasasali si Siggy sa usapan.

"Paano mo naaatim 'yon? Living with that kind of family? That twisted family?"

"Twisted? Lizares aren't twisted, Sandi. Ano ba 'yang pinagsasabi mo?"

Inilapag ko ang wine glass na hawak ko at mariing napatingin kay Kiara.

"Oh, so tell me kung paanong hindi naging twisted ang pamilyang itinatago ang karumihang mayroon sila? Like really? How can they let loose a guy who basically raped his own cousin? Paano nila naatim 'yon? Paano n'yo naatim 'yon? Hindi mo man lang sinabi sa akin na isang rapist pala ang karelasyon ko. I am your bestfriend, Kiara. You should've warned me not to go near with a rapist!"

Her smile fade away. Mere shock is in her eyes. Her mouth's in o. She puts down the wine glass without breaking her shocked eyes on me.

"What did you say, Sandi?" her voice is as cold as ice. I had to clear my throat and swallow my own saliva. I felt nervous with that stare of her. Super serious.

"Did you know about that Lizares? Of how… of how… of how they… of how they assaulted their own blood? Their own cousin, Kiara?"

She straightened her poise and mas lalong naging seryoso ang tingin niya sa akin. I can see traces of shock on her face.

"Assaulted their own cousin? How did you know about this, Sand?"

"Oh? So, you knew all along their family issues? And yet, you associated yourself with that family? Tapos hindi mo man lang ako w-in-arning-an tungkol kay Siggy? We're bestfriends, Kiara! Sana naman sinabi mo sa akin 'yong tungkol sa part na 'yon. Of how Siggy assaulted his own cousin!" hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtaas ng boses ko dahil sa tension na nararamdaman ko.

But every minute, pagulat nang pagulat ang mukha ni Kiara.

"What the hell, Sandreanna? Siggy assaulted his own cousin? What the hell? Paano mo nalaman ang tungkol d'yan?"

I swallowed and looked away. "Mom told me. Krane confirmed it. They're all along related. Nakakatawa kasi kapatid pala ng may-ari ng milling si Ninong Nick. At kaya hindi sila magkasundo ngayon dahil sa nangyaring ganoon sa pamilya nila."

"Is this the reason why you broke up with Siggy, Sandi?"

Importante pa ba 'yon?

"Y-Yeah…"

"What the hell!" Padarag siyang sumandal sa couch at sinapo ang sariling noo. Napatingin siya sa kawalan ng mga ilang segundo bago ibinalik ang tingin sa akin.

Napapaigting na ang panga ko dahil sa pagpipigil. Gusto ko pang magsalita. Gusto ko pang magtanong. Pero hahayaan ko si Kiara na mag-isip muna. Handa akong makinig sa kung anong kuwento no'n kahit nakakasuka makarinig ng ganoong klaseng balita.

"It's a lie. It's all a lie."

"What? So you're saying Mommy's a liar?"

"Yes," sabay tingin sa akin sa isang seryosong tingin. "Your Mom's a liar. She made it up. Or maybe Krane made it up himself."

"To what reason? Why would Mom go to that extent where she lies something about rape and tainting someone's reputation to me? It sounds legit, Kiara!"

"Sa tingin mo magagawa ni Siggy ang ganoon?"

Umiwas ako ng tingin. Nag-isip. "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe all along I really didn't know who I'm dealing with. Baka hindi ko talaga kilala ang isang Siggy Lizares."

I am shouting and I hate it when Kiara's here beside me, answering me in her most calm state. This isn't her anymore.

"You asked why would your Mom go to the extent of lying about something that never happened? It's because if you don't like someone, you'll do anything just to get rid of it, Sandi. Anything," she stated. "Your Mom and Dad didn't like Siggy. They didn't like the Lizares family I'm in. I don't know what Tito Nicholas fed them up but that's for sure, they hated the Lizares. You know why your parents weren't there during my wedding? Days prior to that, your Mom threaten me about marrying Einny. She warned me about marrying a Lizares. And she threaten me to not influence you in marrying one. I don't know why she said that. I was so young and sedated with happiness that I have no time to internalize everything she said."

What the hell! Kasinungalingan lang ang lahat ng iyon?

A moment of silence between the two of us. Napatulala ako sa center table. Nag-iisip. Pilit ipinapasok sa utak ko ang mga sinabi ni Kiara.

I heavily sighed. "So… you're saying that Siggy did not rape his own cousin?"

"Oh, my God! Of course not! Hindi niya magagawa 'yon. Hindi magagawa ng Lizares brothers 'yon. Are you talking about Aly Lizares? The sweet Alyssa Quanda? It didn't happen to her. At gagawin ng lahat ng Lizares brothers maprotektahan lang ang nag-iisang babaeng pinsan nila, Sandi. They love Aly. They love their family."

And like a gong, it hitted me. Loud and clear. It was all just a lie.

Tears pooled in my eyes as I looked at Kiara. Nanginginig na ang kamay ko't hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin. But I remained calm. I needed to be calm.

"Yeah, it's true, Tito Nicholas and Daddy Gabriel are twins. They got a feud when their parents died, before or after? I didn't know thr details. All I know is nag-aagawan sila ng mana. Pero pinanigan ng mga kapatid ng parents nila si Daddy Gabriel kaya napunta sa kaniya ang milling. Tito Nicholas got angry and spread rumors about Daddy Gabriel's family. It all started there, Sandi. No sexualt assault involved."

My head aches from the all the information I just heard. I felt the world crashed into me. Sinapo ko ang noo ko't hinilot-hilot ang sumasakit kong ulo. I bit my lower lip and stared at the carpeted floor. I saw tears falling from me as memories of that night crashed me. Lahat na masasakit na salita na binitiwan ko sa kaniya, biglang nanumbalik sa akin.

Pinagbintangan ko siya sa isang bagay na hindi niya ginawa at hindi nangyari. How pathetic are you to be disgusted with Siggy, Sandi?

I felt sorry… not for myself, but for him. I want to go him right now and say countless sorry.

How could my parents lie? How could my Mommy lie? How could Krane lie? How could they lie like that and act like nothing happened?

"So this is the reason why you and Siggy broke up. All along, we're puzzled of what really happened to the both of you. Hindi nagsalita si Siggy. Hindi na rin kita naitanong. No one knew exactly what really happened that night. Tapos ito lang pala ang rason? Dahil sa maling akala? Dahil sa isang kuwentong puno ng kasinungalingan?"

Biglang tumaas ang altapresyon ko sa hindi ko malamang dahilan at gulat na napatingin kay Kiara.

"Are you blaming me for what happened to us?"

"No! I am blaming your guts! I am blaming your trust towards your parents and your ability not to clarify things before you conclude it."

"So you are blaming me?"

She stared at me, balancing the situation.

"Fine I am blaming you. I am blaming you for not talking to Siggy about what happened, for not asking him, for not communicating with him. Mahal ka niya, Sandreanna. Hindi man niya sinabi sa amin ng diretsahan, alam kong mahal na mahal ka niya. He was a mess when you left, Sandi. A total mess. But you didn't know about it because you're making your dreams come true."

Napatayo ako dahil sa pagtaas ng kaniyang boses. Napatayo na rin siya at ni-level ang tingin sa akin. Gusto kong magalit pero naunahan ako ng mga luha ko. Sunod-sunod itong pumatak hanggang sa malabo na sa paningin ko si Kiara.

"I… I want to talk to him, Ki. God knows how. I really want to sort the things with him. P-Pero napangunahan ako ng galit ko. Galit na galit ako no'ng malaman ko ang tungkol do'n, Ki, galit na galit. You can't blame me for believing my own parents. Parents ko sila, I am supposed to believe them."

She hugged me and hushed me. Mas lalo akong naiyak, punong-puno ng pagsisisi.

"Pero hindi lahat ng sinasabi ng mga magulang natin ay totoo, Sandi. Because they will do everything just to keep us away from the things they don't want for us. They would come up with lies, all the time."

Humahugolgol na ako ng iyak. Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagsisising nararamdaman ko. It feels like every minute, the blame added.

"Bakit kailangang magsinungaling ni Mommy?"

"I don't know, Sand. Maybe your parents can answer that question."

I didn't answer her. We remained silent, embracing each other.

"Is it too late for us now, Ki? Am I too late for Siggy now? I still love him, Ki. I still am."

"I don't know, Sand. Maybe you are."

I went home feeling miserable as usual. Galit na galit ako sa sarili ko. Galit na galit ako sa mga nangyayari, sa mga nangyari.

I accused the man I really love of something I know in myself he will never do. You are one hella pathetic woman, Sandreanna! Sobrang pathetic.

Nagkulong ako sa kuwarto ko at buong gabing umiyak at nilunod ang sarili ko ng alak while looking at our picture together that I managed to keep even after five years. I even stalked him, like what I always do, and feel the burden more. Para akong tanga, umiiyak kapag nakikita ang picture naming magkasama, at matutuwa kapag nakikita ko ang mga achievements and latest news about him ngayon. Para akong tanga. Hindi yata talaga parang. Talagang tanga ako. Sobrang tanga ko. Nakawala na ako sa parents ko but I chose to come back to them to believe a lie. Grabe, Sandreanna, ang pathetic mo talaga!

I cried and drank and made an impulsive decision that I know my manager and management will never agree. But it is what it is. I need to chase it before it becomes too late.

After all, I've already reached the international media. It's now time to go back to where I really started. And I am well-wishing that the universe will conspire with me for what my heart really wants.

~