The Confession

May bar area ang rooftop section ng hotel na ito pero himalang walang katao-tao ito ngayon. Maliwanag naman and it looks normal pero I can't see any people. Weird.

"Close yata 'yong bar area nila, Mik. Sa may casino na lang tayo maglakad-lakad."

Pero imbes na sumagot, ngumiti ang gago sa akin.

"Do you remember what we sang during our first Inuman Session? No'ng twenty-first birthday ko?"

I got distracted with that question. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at napaisip. Inalala 'yong birthday niyang iyon.

"Mm-Hmm. Pangarap Lang Kita ng Parokya. Bakit?"

At that gesture, I saw him hold his phone. He manipulated something on it before he could answer to my question.

"I posted a question in my Instagram story earlier this day, I asked the netizens if they could suggest one or two dares na puwede nating gawin before this day ends. I got a handful, some made sense, some were not. So I picked the two sensible among the answers."

Mas lalo akong naging interesado sa sinabi niya. I haven't checked my social media accounts today kaya hindi ko alam na nakapag-post pala ng ganoon si Mikan.

"Hmm, what is it? Sounds interesting." Lumapit ako sa kaniya nang ipakita niya sa akin ang phone niya.

"IG live and new rendition of Pangarap Lang Kita ng PNE."

Hmm, good suggestion nga. Napatango ako nang mabasa ang s-in-uggest no'ng two different netizens, probably pinoy kasi si Mikan ang nag-post. Almost all Mechanics, Mikaneko's fans, were pinoys.

"Fine with me. Parang maganda nga'ng gawin. G!"

Nag-thumbs up siya sa akin at agad nag-manipulate again sa phone niya then he placed it on a table. Nakasandal iyon sa vase na nasa table lang para naman makatayo ang phone at makita kami kung magla-live man. I use my phone para sa music na gagamitin sa pag-cover ng song. It's impromptu kaya okay na siguro 'yong nakita kong videoke version ng song.

When the live starts, Mikan introduced himself first. He got some intro and then introduces me. Sinabi na rin niya kanina na mag-isa siya at wala ang ibang members ng Mikaneko and I am the replacement for this IG live. Hindi ko alam kung madalas bang mag-IG live si Mikan, but I think madalas yata kasi kung maka-introduce siya parang regular na niyang gawain ito.

"Good evening, Mechanics! I am Sandi PH and I am Mikaneko's guest for tonight. Well, minus the presence of the real members of Mikaneko. Shout out nga pala sa inyo, Auwi, Nesto, and Koko. Hiramin ko muna best lead singer n'yo." I got a glimpse on the screen na mas lalong dumami ang viewers ng live pero hindi ko makita kung anu-ano ang mga comments nila. I waved at everyone and blew them a flying kiss.

Then we keep the ball rolling. Hindi rin kami nagpaligoy-ligoy pa, agad din naming sinimulan ang request nila na kantahin ulit namin ang Pangarap Lang Kita.

Ang unang verse ay kinanta ni Mikan since it's the part of the guy. Then chorus…

"At kahit mahal kita… wala akong magagawa… tanggap ko o aking sinta, pangarap lang kita."

Then me! This is my part!

My vocal chords improved this past years. Mas lalo kasi itong na-practice sa maya't-maya kong pagkanta sa kahit anu-anong events. I also had some voice coaching and lessons. Perks of being an artista, you know. Kaya iba na ang naging version ko ngayon compared sa version kung kailan una ko itong kinanta, that Inuman Session Volume 1 ng Mikaneko.

Matapos kong kantahin ang chorus, sinabayan ko si Mikan na kantahin ang second chorus, pero parang naging second voice na lang ako. I dance to the beat of the song. Umakbay na rin ako kay Mikan, imagining na siya talaga ang kinakantahan ko, na para talaga sa kaniya ang kantang ito. But like what I said, imagine, imagine lang ang lahat. There's this someone I want to say "Pangarap Lang Kita." But I hate him, so nevermind.

Last verse na lang, at dahil nasa stage pa lang ako ng pag-i-imagine, habang nakaakbay, lumingon ako sa kaniya at matamis na ngumiti. His old image flashed right in front of me. I stop singing and the more I stare at him, the more I see the image of Siggy. What the hell, Sandreanna!

Unti-unti siyang lumalapit hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang paglapat ng labi niya sa labi ko. I stiffened. I don't know what to do. What just happened, by the way? What the hell! Holy mother of monkey!

I blinked twice and realized he's not Siggy and I am just imagining things so why the hell Mikan is kissing me? What the fucking hell?

Mabilis ko siyang itinulak, kumalas sa biglaang ginawa niya. Gulat na gulat ako at parang aakyat ang lahat ng dugo ko papunta sa ulo ko. What just happened?

"What the hell, Mikan?"

Nagulat din siya sa pagtulak na ginawa ko. Pero imbes na mag-explain ay mas nauna niya pang atupagin ang phone niya sa table at sa tantiya ko ay in-end na niya ang live na nagaganap. Shit, tantiya na lang ba talaga ang lahat, Sandreanna?

I heard him muttered some curses while ending the live but before I let out my rage again, the whole place went dim and something flashed on the wide white screen in front of me. Napalingon ako roon with shockness lingering my whole system as a familiar tune invaded the stereo. Nakita ko rin ang mukha ko sa white screen na iyon.

It was my teenage self, way back in high school. Half-body lang ang nakikita kaya nakita kong nakasuot ako ng high school uniform ko. I was smiling widely. Kung saan-saan napapatingin ang mata ko, hindi mapirme sa camera. I can't see any background pero as far as I remember, sa school naganap ang video'ng iyan.

The intro of the song continued until the title itself flashed on the screen, right in front of my smiling face.

Millie x Mikaneko

Unti-unting kumabog ang puso ko nang ang nangyari sa sumunod na frame ng video ang teenage self ko pa rin. Those were random videos, some were candidly taken. Then I heard Mikan's voice, singing that familiar song.

Gusto kong gumalaw, gusto kong humakbang nang unti-unting na-realize ng sarili ko kung anong ibig sabihin ng kanta. Like rain, the lyrics of the song poured into me helping me realize the most unexpected thought that a man can think of.

Sabog na sabog ang puso ko pagdating sa 'yo

Awit ang pagka-torpe kapag ika'y kaharap ko

Nothing's gonna stop, sabi nga ng kanta

'Di na yata talaga mapipigil pa

Reklamo ng puso kong dapat ay umamin na sa 'yo

Ewan ko ba

Ako'y nag-aalinlangan

Na sa 'yo'y magtapat

Nawawala ang lakas ng loob

Ako ba'y takot lang ma-busted?

The first verse tell us something about a guy that really likes someone and he's been hiding this feeling for too long that he wants to explode. Gusto niyang umamin sa girl na gusto niya but he's hesistant enough para hindi gawin 'yon. Natatakot siyang baka hindi tanggapin ng girl ang feelings niya kaya hindi siya umaamin. Is that what Mikan did all this time?

Me is into you

Is that not clear pa rin ba with you

Ligaw-tingin ako ng ilang taon

Ligaw-tingin pa rin ba hanggang ngayon?

I-i-snob-in na lang ba

Can't it be considered

Even just for a minute

Naninibugho na talaga

Tulak ng damdamin 'pag ito'y hindi na talaga napigilan.

The second verse shows that that guy is making a silent move to confess to that girl, pero like the first verse, he is still holding back. Years passed, ganoon pa rin, hindi pa rin siya umaamin sa kaniya. Nagpapahapyaw siyang sabihin ang nararamdaman niya para kahit papaano'y magkaroon ng idea ang girl pero he is still holding back. Is this what Mikan means everytime he throws me some weird pick-up lines and parinig na hindi ko maintindihan?

Pinilit kong kalimutan ka

Remember when I closed my door to you

Iniwasan ka't tinalikuran

Eradicated my feelings for you

Tunog gago

Oo, gago nga yatang talaga

Sa 'yo'y ako'y babalik din pala.

Third verse explained that the guy, without making a formal confession, tried to forget and move on to his feelings for her. But in the end, the guy always come back to the girl kahit wala naman silang romantic relationship with each other. Is this what Mikan did when our simple argument heated that night? Ilang buwan kaming hindi nagpansinan no'n. Missed his way to success. Kaya ba hindi siya nag-effort na makipagbati sa akin o 'di kaya'y makipag-usap after that night?

Hindi na ako magpapaka-torpe pa

Ito na, ako'y aamin na

Nandito ako sa 'yong harapan

Onting tiis na lang at ito'y sasabihin na

Lista mo lahat ng sasabihin ko

Aaminin ko na talaga

Na mahal na mahal kita.

Last verse… the guy finally said the magic words. He finally confessed to that girl that he loves her. And this is the worst of them all.

Is Mikan… Is Mikan in love with me?

Marahas akong lumingon kay Mikan, tears formed at the side of my eye. The upbeat song continued pero hindi ako natutuwa. I licked my lips and relaxed myself when those tears, I've been holding back for a few seconds, burst.

"Mikan, bakit? Kailan pa?"

Hindi siya makatingin sa akin. He tried but he just can't rest his eyes to mine.

"Matagal na. Mga bata pa lang tayo, mahal na kita, Sand. Mahal kita sa ibang paraan."

I advanced to him and punched hard his chest. "Mikan, bestfriend kita! Mag-bestfriend tayong dalawa. Kapatid na ang turingan natin sa isa't-isa and we made a pact - a fucking pact - that we do not cross the forbidden line. Mikan, we promised not to fall for each other, tayong tatlo ni Kiara," I shouted, still punching his steel-like chest.

"I know…" simpleng sagot niya, without even stopping me from punching him.

"Then why?! Why did you fucking crossed the line?!"

Hinawakan niya ang dalawa kong kamay na patuloy pa ring sumusuntok sa kaniya. Nanghihina ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit at paano. It can't be.

"Mahal kita, Sandreanna, matagal na. At hindi ko alam kung paano at kung kailan nagsimula. I just woke up one day na hindi na kaibigan ang tingin ko sa 'yo."

He loosened the grip, umiwas ako ng tingin, humakbang ng isang beses paatras sa kaniya, at hindi ko alam kung anong unang iisipin.

"Lahat 'yon may malisya sa 'yo? Lahat ng ipinaramdam mo sa akin, may malisya pala sa 'yo?" He nodded and tears gush immediately, wanting so bad to stop them but I'm too weak to do so. "Kapatid na ang turingan natin sa isa't-isa, tayo ni Kiara. We're a team, right? We're inseparable. Kasi kapatid na ang treatment natin with each other. And you knew very well na hindi pinapatos ng isang kapatid ang kaniyang kapatid. It's like incest, Mikan. A fucking incest!"

"Pero hindi tayo magkapatid, Sandi. Magkaibigan tayo. Wala namang masama roon."

"Meron! Kapatid ang turing ko sa 'yo, Mikan. Kapatid na ang tingin ko sa 'yo. And you, confessing in front of me, saying you love me in a romantic way, gives goosebumps to myself. I can't accept that, Mik. I can't love my bestfriend romantically. We promised not to cross the line."

"Sand, a chance is all I need."

Sunod-sunod ang pag-iling ko. "I can't… give you that, Mik. I'm sorry."

A moment of silence between us. I tried digesting everything he told me. Then he broke the long silence. "Si Siggy pa rin ba, Sandi?"

"What the fuck? Don't drag that asshole's name in this situation, Mikan. I cannot accept you because…" I took a deep breath. "Because I can't love you like how you want to. I'm sorry."

Tumalikod ako at dire-diretsong naglakad paalis sa harapan niya, palayo sa magulong mundo.

And like the wind, memories of us came in instantly. Lahat ng masasayang memories na kasama ko siya. Lahat ng ginawa niyang kabutihan sa akin. Lahat ng pag-aarugang ipinaramdam niya sa akin. Parang lahat 'yon nagbago sa paningin ko. He loves me. Mikan loves me, not just a friend, but more than that. And I hate him for concluding that I still love… him.

I cried inside my suite. I heard him knock on my door but I didn't response. I am more devoted on fixing my emotion and mind right now. Everything happened so fast, I barely kept up the pace.

The song Millie played in my mind like a broken vinyl record. I looked up to the internet the full lyrics of the song. And with a snapped, a realization hitted me.

Lahat ng letter na nagsisimula ng kanta ay ang letters that consist of my name. First verse: SANDREANNA. Second: MILLICENT. Third: PRIETOS. Fourth: HINOLAN. And the chorus of the song: MILLIE. Yeah, fucking Sandreanna Millicent Prietos Hinolan. Masiyado akong tanga para hindi ma-realize ang ibig sabihin ng kanta. Ilang taon na itong nag-i-exist, ngayon ko lang nalaman. Kaya pala no'ng ma release ang song na ito, they linked my name to it. Telling that I am the girl in that song. I denied kasi hindi naman talaga. But years after, nalaman kong tama silang lahat at ako ang mali. Yeah, fuck!

Sinubukan kong i-sink in ang confession na ginawa ni Mikan. I even ignored Mama Hector's call, para magkaroon lang ng time na makapag-isip. Pero nagtuloy-tuloy ang tawag and this is an indication that this must be urgent.

I, then, answered his call.

"M-Ma?"

"Bakit hindi mo agad sinagot? Where are you? I saw Mikan's IG live. Are you okay?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, bit my lower lip, and sighed heavily. "What were their reaction?" asking about the fans.

"Nagulat siyempre. Maski ako! Gulat na gulat! What happened? Are you alright? Did it end well?"

I sighed again, still feeling that heavy burden I felt as an aftermath of Mikan's confession. "I'm fine but it didn't end well like whatever you saw in the video. I'll go home tomorrow, Ma. I just want to rest for a while."

I heard him sigh from the other line. "Okay. Have a good sleep. I'll try to handle this one."

"Thanks, Ma." I smile faintly and ended the call.

I'll deal with the bashers and comments tomorrow. I just need time for sleep.

I woke up late and lazily started the day. As promised to Mama Hector, ngayon nga ako uuwi. Change plans. Sana bukas pa ako uuwi but some things happened. Kung hindi lang nag-confess si Mikan, okay pa sana kami ngayon. But he did it, because, maybe, he can't contain with it anymore. Pero hindi ko nagustuhan ang ginawa niya. He ruined our long friendship. And I don't think so it will be fixed as soon as possible. I need time to think. I need time to forget.

I packed my things and prepared to leave. Paglabas ko ng room, napatingin ako sa pinto ng suite ni Mikan. I stand their, ready-ing myself to knock. I raised my right hand and closed my knuckles, ready to bang that hand on the hardwood door.

But my hand remained in midair. I did not dare. Instead, I left… without saying goodbye.

It was an attack to my reputation. People, especially Mikaneko and Mikan's fans, bashed me. Calling me names or whatever. Sobrang kapal daw ng mukha kong busted-in ang isang Mikan Osmeña, at marami pang iba. My name is in trending list of every social media platforms that ever existed. Mikan deleted his IG live but some people were quick enough to produce a copy of that kiss and devastation that happened after.

'Yong video rin na nakita kong nag-flash sa white screen ng gabing iyon ay ang fresh released music video ng kanta nilang Millie. It was dedicated to me because I am the Millie the song is talking about. Mas lalo akong na-bash nang dahil do'n. Ginawan na raw ako ng kanta, minahal, in-effort-an, pero nagawa ko pang busted-in si Mikan. Ako ang lumabas na masama sa nangyari. I was bashed, really hard, that all my issues in life were brought up again.

It went like this for weeks. Hinayaan ko no'ng una kasi akala ko matatapos din, like any viral issue na nagiging viral, always die-down after a few days. It lingered with people. Lalo na no'ng mag-decide si Mikan na magpapahinga muna sa paggawa ng kanta but will eventually be back. Their fans weren't happy about that at ako ang sinisi nila kaya mas lalong tumagal ang issue.

Kaya kong hayaan ang ganitong issue pero habang tumatagal, palala nang palala ang mga naririnig ko tungkol sa akin that it almost affected my mental health. I can't concentrate with work anymore. I can't have the peace I usually have.

I'm almost to giving up. Minsan napapagalitan na ako ng executives. Minsan din si Mama Hector. Parang gusto ko na lang munang maging halaman, at mag-stay sa isang tabi, tahimik, at hindi ginagambala. But the only thing I could do right now is to resort to something that I've been leaning to since I broke up with Siggy… the alcoholic drinks.

I look on the screen as it lighted. Kiara's name appeared on it. My soul just got excited with that sight.

Mabilis kong sinagot ang tawag niya. "K-Ki?" kinakabahan na tanong ko. Kinakabahan ako kasi nanatili siyang tahimik to what happened between me and Mikan. She didn't give comments and she didn't even contacted me. That's why I'm this afraid.

"Sandi! Thank God you answered! Are you busy? I'm in London kasi. Tatanong ko lang kung makakasingit ako sa schedule mo?"

May pumatak na isang luha sa aking mata nang marinig ang sinabi ni Kiara. "Yeah, sure! I love to!"

Finally! Someone I can comfortably talk to.

~