chapter 5

"He came. He left.

Nothing else had changed.

I had not changed.

The world hadn't changed.

Yet nothing would be the same.

All that remains is dreammaking

And strange remembrance."

-Elio, "Call me by your name."

André Aciman.

Jacob.

Carter stared at them in shock and even though there was nothing between them anymore, hadn't been for four years, he could hear his heart shatter…AGAIN.

He felt his chest tighten painfully and he felt breathlessly as if all the air had been punched out of him and there was no more oxygen left to breathe. He closed his eyes as he felt the world fade away, his vision blurring. He knew this feeling.

Suddenly, the lights were too bright, the noises too loud. His breathing too shallow and the air too cold. He felt suffocated; more than ever before. His ears were ringing painfully and he felt like he was shut in a glass box. The world too sharp and too faded at the same time.

Reachable but unreachable.

He staggered away from the table and the staff room. There was no way he could let himself unravel in front of strangers. No matter how kind they seemed.

He stumbled into the staff room and hugged Venessa tightly as she gently set him down on the wooden bench, she put her arms around her in a tight circle as he buried his face in into her stomach, hugging her back.

He dry-heaved for some time, waiting for the sensation to pass. This wasn't the worst of his panic attacks. He had had worse. Right, he had had worse.

"So what?" his demon roared, "You know having survived worse doesn't make the presently open wound hurt any less."

He could handle this.

No, he couldn't.

He whimpered in her arms, hot tears running down his pale cheeks and splattering her t-shirt. She rocked him gently from side to side, "Carter, love, let's leave, yeah? Let's go home, I'll make you some dinner. Max can handle here," she whispered softly.

Carter signaled her to wait a minute and pulled away. He closed his eyes took a few deep breaths. When he opened them again, they were dead.

Devoid of any emotion.

Cold. Blank.

This was how well he could control his expressions. This is what life had taught him. Or rather, what the world had taught him. He nodded to Venessa. He was ready.

***

Rose.

She was all Jacob could think of going to when the world hurt him. Even when Jacob had to cut things off with the most important people in his life because of…him…she had been the first person he had turned to.

His cousin sister.

His supporting pillar.

He couldn't count how many people had told them they looked like a couple and not cousins. They just smiled. He supposed he couldn't blame them for misunderstanding; they looked nothing like family should. Of-course there was also the fact that a male and a female walking together always, by default, had to be lovers. Or so society considered.

They neither had any physical resemblance nor much in personality. She was as bright as he was dark. She had sunset golden hair for his pitch-black ones and moss green eyes for his bruise purple. And where she could easily comfort with words, he could only comfort with physical interactions like hugs.

But they had one thing in common: they never faked their emotions. At least for someone they didn't care about.

Even so, he could fake all his smiles, even as he died inside, if that meant he could see Carter smile at him. Everyday. Or once in a blue moon.

As long as he could see the pure smile he had snatched away. The thought of hurting Carter pained him and he had punished himself for what he had done…but it wasn't enough. It was never enough. He felt soo guilty. It crushed him still.

"Yo! Did you even hear what I said?!" Rose looked pointedly at him. "Um…no? could you repeat?" Jacob replied, feeling a little guilty for not paying attention.

Rose rolled her eyes, not bothering to hide her irritation. "I honestly don't understand why you are soo obsessed with that kid! I mean there are prettier guys out there who are practically begging for your attention!" She rolled her eyes again, "I said, do you want to go drinking? We haven't done that since…you know, that."

"I'm not obsessed. I'm in love with him," Jacob gave her a slow, sad smile, remembering what had happened earlier that day. His love was soo hopeless, it hurt soo bad, but he wasn't going to give up. Because seeing Carter with someone else would hurt even more. Carter was going to be his again, like he was Carter's.

"Are we going to the usual place?" Jacob asked her. "Calla lily?" Rose nodded, "The one beside that bakery? Yes." Jacob smiled, he loved that bakery and the bar beside it. "Any idea how far it is?" Rose looked at him, her eyebrows raised. "Yeah, one block away," Jacob smiled at her.

"Thank god! I don't want to end up walking too much," Rose sighed. Rose had always been a little inactive during the day, she was more energized during the night.

They started walking towards the bar, crossing roads and walking hand-in-hand on the uneven rocky footpath. Rose turned towards him with a troubled expression on her face, one foot on the footpath and one on the road. "Just know that if that Carter kid hurts you again, I will kill him. You know how important you are to me," Rose looked at him, her eyes blazing and ice cold. Dangerous.

She was the most relaxed person he had ever met, but she was really overprotective of those she loved. She will be your most beautiful dream as long as you don't hurt her loved ones or dare bitch to her about her values.

But she can become your worst nightmare in the blink of an eye.

"Don't worry. And don't hate him please. I should've told him why I was leaving in the first place. I would rather have you love the one I love." He looked at her sheepishly and his eyes widened.

Behind her were two pairs of yellow headlights speeding towards them.

He quickly pulled her towards him and onto the footpath, the movement startling them both and ending in an awkward hug in front of the bakery. She pulled away and grinned at him, her eyes shining from the thrill of avoiding death by a hair's breadth. Her death.

He glared at her in a mix of anger and panic. He titled her head from side-to-side, checking for bruises, getting a weird feeling of déjà vu. She slapped his hands away, still grinning, and said, "I'm fine, you lovestruck fool."

He rolled his eyes and grabbed her hand, pulling her into the bar. He asked the barman for three bottles of beer, knowing he couldn't handle his drinks and wouldn't need soo much to make him forget.

He downed one bottle after another as his sister sat patiently with him, watching him carefully. Finishing the bottles, he looked around the bar, his now cloudy eyes subconsciously searching for someone.

His eyes switched to the door, that currently housed most of the commotion, and saw a tall male figure hunched over a smaller male frame, kissing him. The smaller boy had curly black hair and storm gray eyes that reflected part panic and part disgust.

Jacob flinched as he saw Carter getting smothered in kisses by him. One of his bullies.

Jacob's eyes darkened and he moved forward with blinding speed, head suddenly clearer than ever before, cutting swiftly through the sea of sweaty bodies.

He pulled the boy off Carter and punched him squarely in the jaw, as hard and fast as he could. He snarled and lunged at him and swung his palm towards the nuisance, feeling his hand connect with soft skin.

Jacob snapped back to reality and stared in horror at whom he'd hit. He whimpered as he saw Carter standing in front of him, a steady palm-shaped mark on his cheek. Carter turned towards him, his eyes briefly flashing pain until the wall came up again, blocking it.

Carter gently tugged at his hand and pulled him out of the bar behind him. He stared at Carter's small back and stopped, pulling him back into his chest and hugging him hard. "Jacob, look at me. I'm fine. You are shaking…" He saw Carter pull away and stare at him, his eyes full of fear. Fear of him.

It hurt to see Carter soo scared and the tears he had been holding in slipped out. Spilling out like water from a flooded river. Spilling out making him shake in the relief of finally being able to let it loose.

It didn't matter if Carter thought he was weak. He was weak.

He rest his head on Carter's shoulder as he felt himself shake from the last of his sobs. He felt Carter place a light, hesitant hand on his back and rub softly in circles. "Venessa does that for me when I have panic attacks…" Carter said in a small, sweet voice that shook slightly.

Jacob flinched at her name and stared into his eyes deeply until Carter looked away.

He placed his fingers on Carter's jaw, his thumb brushing the now-bruised mark that closely resembled the color of his eyes. He softly turned his head towards himself, making sure they made eye contact. He leaned forward over Carter until their foreheads rested against each other's, his eyes begging Carter to not look away.

"Can I kiss you?" Jacob asked, regretting immediately when he saw his crush's eyes widen. But to his surprise, Carter nodded ever soo slightly. Soo slightly that he almost didn't see it. He gulped, sensing Carter's nervousness.

Slowly, he moved forward, closing the painful distance between them and pressing their lips together.