Apocalypse under the beautiful sky

Currently I am 22 years old. I have a dream. A big dream. No, I don't want to be any doctor or astronaut. I am studying in Business Study. I know it will not be useful though I am studying hard. I just want to make my own living. I just want to do a job and earn money by myself. In our country, it's hard. It's really hard. Because in my age, girls have to get married and have to work for her husband, mother-in-law, father-in-law. And if she got a child then she have no other choice then to raise her child well. She can't focus in her own life. Never. Yes, there is some girls, ladies who works for nation nowadays. But do they get enough respect instead of their hard work? I don't think so. They are just being harassed, disrespected and neglected.

If I want to give any example, I know a doctor. She is a dentist. She have a chamber of her own. She came to serve her patients at afternoon. Her charge is not much like other male dentists. Once, she wanted to raise her service fee. But she had to listen from people a lot. Of course people didn't praise her. They just curse her and stop going to her. That's how she decreased her fees again. It was the story of outsiders. But what's she gain from her family? She is married. Her husband is a doctor too. He works in a hospital. They have two children. The girl is elder and the boy is younger. The girl is in her teen now. So, her mood doesn't stay calm longer. She always acted like she is all grown up and she understands everything. Actually it's not. She doesn't listen to her mom and just trying to do whatever she wants to. And the boy is still a kid. But he is quite angry natured. He always insist on things. And whenever he insisted for some thing, he wouldn't let it slide until he got it. That's why the dentist have to suffer a lot. Though they were quite rich, she can't give everything to her kid. She have to check if the thing is good or bad, if he would be safe or not.

If she finds something dangerous in it and told him to give up on it, he won't eat or talk with her for whole day. And when his father come home, he went to his father and complain about his mom.

What's his dad do? He just scold his wife why she couldn't handle it herself. And if sometimes the girl do something wrong, the dad scold his wife why she didn't teach her anything. Even sometimes he tell her to leave her job and take proper care of his kids. He thinks she couldn't take care of them because of her duty. But she wants to do her job because she found it interesting. That's why sometimes they quarrel with each other but she always lost as she is a woman. And whenever she going through a hard time, nobody would there for her. She has to suffer alone. If someone else gets sick in house, she have to take a day off and take care of him or her. But if she gets sick, there's no one who could take care of her.

Now, I think I should continue my story. I don't have any plans because I know I can't make my plan success. When I was young, I dreamt to be a detective It was effect of watching TV serial which showed that detectives are cooler than any other things in the world. But when I grew up a little, I thought I could never be like them because I am a scaredy cat. I wanted to be a painter. I can paint well. But I just needed to get some training. But nobody gives me courage. Instead of giving courage, I have been discouraged. People just told me this is nonsense. I can't gain anything just by painting. I can't do painting. It's too costly. Where I can get so much money, nobody would come to see my work. where would I go, what would I do, etc, etc. This is why I left drawing and painting. I didn't touch a painting brush for a long time. Slowly my talents for painting is gone. Then, I dreamt to become a writer. I wrote many stories but I couldn't publish any of them. If I have to publish them, I should go and talk with publishers. But where would I get a publisher when I don't talk with a stranger? That's why I leave writing in paper too. Currently I am dreaming to become a patissier. I am not so good at baking but I love it so much. This is my current hobby. Whenever I go to bake something, I don't notice what's going on around me. My time passes very well. So, I want to learn about it more. I want to go abroad and study on baking. But, how can I go? Where can I go? I don't have money and my family won't support me. They will tell me to learn how to cook instead of baking as cooking is gonna be useful and baking isn't gonna useful. Maybe I dreamt too much being a girl. My family forced me for marriage. But I don't want to marry. Nobody can understand my feeling. I just can't believe in any motherfuckers(boys). They are all same. They will show me many dreams before marriage. But after marriage, they will just make me his slave, nothing else. Even if I want to escape, people will suppress me and I would have to stay in the cage like I am a puma. But who will listen to my silent scream? Nobody. My parents are looking for a perfect fucker for me. And I really hate to admit it. I just can't admit it but I can't say anything to them as I am still dependent on them. I want to be dependent on myself but I really don't think there is a little chance of it. Because after going to my in-laws home, I would have to work for them. I can't focus on my life, my career, myself. I am pretending to be a good girl. But how long? How long can I keep pretending like this? I don't know.