922. Chapter 922

After Mr. and Mrs. Castle.

Episode 8.08

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: This one I might just want to own, but I don't. Rating: K Time: See above.

It was a cold and snowy winter's day in London, but inside of number 221A Baker Street, the home of the world's first female consulting detective, Kate Holmes snugged up against her husband, Dr. Richard Watson as she awakened and murmured, "More naked punishment, Rick?"

Rick muttered something that encouraged her and she began to run her hands over his body. As she did so, there was a knocking at her door. "It can't be Constable Ryan again." She grumped.

"Mrs. Holmes? Are you awake?" Called the voice of their landlady, Mrs. Victoria Hudson.

"Yes, we are." Kate and Rick began crawling out of bed.

"There's a gentleman here to see you, ma'am."

Kate nodded. "Please give Sir Abel Cain a cup of tea and some breakfast and tell him we'll be ready in ten minutes."

Nine minutes and forty nine seconds after that, Kate Holmes opened the door to her sitting room and asked Sir Abel to come in.

"Dash it all, Holmes, how did you know it was me?" Demanded Sir Abel.

Kate yawned, covering her mouth with her hand. "Watson told me."

"Watson? How the devil did he know?"

"It's that god awful pipe you smoke. Everyone can smell it for blocks. Mind my word, one day they'll prove that tobacco is harmful to you." Watson said.

"Poppycock!" Sir Abel began to say more, but remembered he was on a mission. "We, that is, the government, has a problem, Holmes."

"Of course you do. Why else would you be at my door at this hour?" Kate said.

"I'm afraid that the RMS SoFrantic as hit an iceberg in the Atlantic."

"That's dreadful." Kate said, frowning." What about the survivors?"

"Oh, the passengers and crew are just fine. After all, the SoFrantic is the most over-engineered ship ever to sail the Seven Seas. A bit of paint was scratched, a bit, that's it."

"And the most overpriced." Watson added. "It was over budget by some two thousand percent, or so we heard."

"I can't understand why anyone would buy a ship that was built in someone's basement." Kate added.

"The Demming Shipyard was the low bidder." Sir Abel said testily.

"Only because Mr. Demming had to take off his shoes to count above ten."

"That's neither here nor there, Holmes. The government has a problem and we need your assistance."

"If the passengers and the crew and the ship are just fine, why do you need my wife?"

"The iceberg had a large number of polar bears and penguins on it and they had to swim for it when the iceberg was broken up. The SoFrantic picked them up."

"Wait, aren't penguins from the Antarctic and Polar Bears from the Arctic?" Watson said.

"Proving that those scientist Johnnies and their claims about global warming are full of hot air, just as the government has been saying." Sir Abel huffed. "The iceberg obviously drifted between the two before being hit."

"Can you please tell me the problem you want solved?" Kate demanded.

"It's those animal rights people. Although all of the bears and penguins were saved, those people are complaining that the Polar Bears were denied the opportunity to order from a vegetarian menu and the penguins were kept out of first class, in spite of the fact that they were all wearing tuxedos. Well, except for one penguin that thought it was Casual Friday and had on a sport coat."

"I'll take the case, of course."

After Sir Abel left, Watson confronted his wife. "This is absurd. The government is just using you to deflect the blame from them to you. Typical bloody politicians."

"You're right, of course, Watson, but there's something more going on here. Now, vamanos amigo! Arriba, arriba!"

Watson shook his head. "Can't you use something from the Bard to indicate we're on the case?"

Kate nodded. "Out, out damned spot."

"Well the dog just left." Rick said watching Spot leave.

"How about, "Once more unto the breach, dear friends."?"

"We can work on that later." Watson said.

Holmes and Watson at once left for the SoFrantic to interrogate the crew. They began with Captain Eric Mal de Mer.

Captain Mal de Mer had been a seaman for forty years and had seen it all, from volcanoes exploding in the Indies, to pirates in the Persian Gulf to American tourists who couldn't understand why High Tea did not include some herb grown illegally. Captain Mal, as he was called, was as tough as they came. And as soon as he saw Holmes, be began crying. "It wasn't my fault. I told the helmsman not to hit that big white thingy."

"Who is the helmsman?" Kate asked.

"Over there. The redhead with the dog, the white cane and the dark glasses."

The helmsman introduced herself as Meredith FFake-Buubs and confirmed that she was blind.

"How did you ever get a job driving a ship?" Kate demanded.

"I fooled around with the head of personnel." She admitted. "That "Binky" Sorenson is quite the randy little fellow." She giggled.

"Where might I find the ship's navigator?"

"Oh, "Wrong Way" Davidson? He'll be in the bar."

Davidson was indeed in the bar, but had passed out from over indulgence in alcohol. However, the bartender was able to fill them in on the navigator.

"Oi've known old Wrong Way ivir since he come aboard. "E always does 'is work 'ere. "E says 'e can see the sun from 'ere and if we keeps it on the port or starboard, Oi fergets which, we'll be right as rain."

"How long does it take you to get from the UK to America?" Watson asked, scandalized.

Bartender Mick Ryan smiled. "Last time we set a record, we did. Eight months an' eleven days. O' course the passengers was a bit miffed at having to disembark at Brownsville, Texas rather than New York, but as Wrong Way sez, any SoFrantic landing you can walk away from is a good one."

"Did anything odd happen, other than the little incident with the iceberg, during the trip?" Kate asked.

The Irishman slowly nodded his head. "There was something odd. This blonde lady insisted that she disembark her first, before anyone else."

Kate smiled. "Quick, Watson! The game is afoot!"

Watson shook his head. "What does that even mean?"

"I know who's responsible for the crash into the iceberg." Kate shot back.

"Then why don't you just say so?"

In no time at all, Holmes and Watson were at the London Zoo where the polar bears and penguins had been take to recover from their ordeal.

As they entered the zoo, they could hear the stamping of marching feet and the rattle of musketry.

"What is it, Holmes?"

"One of my arch enemies, the builder of the SoFrantic himself, Herr Graf von Demming."

"Zo you are all correct, Frau Holmes." Said von Demming approaching them with his Mauser pistol trained on them. With him was his confederate, a woman known only as Miss Gina.

"You smuggled all of those penguins into the country to turn them into you own private army so that you could overthrow the government and crown yourself king."

"And now nothing can stop me?" He chortled.

"Actually, I can. You do recall that in my spare time last year, I went through the Northwest Passage in Northern Canada in a birch bark canoe? I made some friends there."

A series of mighty roars sounded from behind von Demming, heralding the appearance of dozens of Polar Bears. Von Demming handed over his pistol. A bear ate it.

Von Demming was sent to prison for life, which wasn't very long. His army of mercenary penguins were convicted with him and he was found stabbed to death with a sharpened icicle.

And so, once again as the snow fell on London, Holmes and Watson snuggled in their bed.

"If Mrs. Hudson knocks again, Holmes, let's not answer."

Kate smiled. "Works for me."