147. Chapter 147

After The Squab and the Quail

By

UCSbdad

Disclaimer: I'm too chicken to claim that I own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Author's Note: The Squab and the Quail was supposed to air after Still, and that's how it is on the DVD, but Still was postponed due to the Boston Marathon bombing. Actually, it works much better to go from this ep to Still.

Eric Vaughn is permanently off my Last Supper list. Castle thought to himself. I wouldn't even want to share a soda cracker with him now. He let his hand move slowly over Kate's sleeping form. I have to admit that he did one thing for me. He really made me realize that I have been taking Kate for granted. If I'm not careful the next time she spends time with some other man, I might not be so lucky. Okay. I have to admit that it's not luck. She loves me. It would be nice if she actually came right out and said that she loves me, but after all we've been through, she loves me. And I love her.

Now my only problem is what to do about us. The usual thing for two people in love is marriage. I know Kate wants her one and done. She wants a family, husband, kids and a little dog named Spot. The whole nine yards. Does she want that with me? Yes. I'm sure of that. If I wasn't sure of that, I'd go crazy thinking that this was just some fling and that she'd move on someday.

Does she want marriage right now? I don't know. She told me once that she wasn't going to be ready to be the kind of person she wanted to be, to have the kind of relationships she wanted to have until her mother's murder was solved. It hasn't been solved. Bracken is still out there. If we got married that would add more targets to Bracken's list. He could get to Kate through me, through Alexis, through Martha and through any kids we might have. Is that why she never talks about the future? Is she afraid of what the future might bring? Christ, as bad as her past has been, it would have to color her perception of the future.

Am I afraid of the future? Being honest with myself, yes. Even if we weren't married, Bracken has to know about us, so we're all at risk anyway. That's not the problem. The problem is that I've been married twice before. I keep telling myself it's different with Kate. That what I feel for her is infinitely more than I ever felt for either Meredith or Gina. Or for Meredith and Gina. For that matter it's different from what I felt for Kyra. But I didn't marry either of them thinking it wouldn't work out. Things have to work out with Kate. They have to. I cannot under any circumstances hurt Kate. She's had so much pain in her past, I absolutely cannot add to that. Who am I kidding? My marriages have caused me a load of pain. I have to make sure that Kate is my last wife, not my third wife.

I have to think about this. I really have to do something.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Lanie, I really screwed up."

"Sweetie, I'm sure it couldn't be that bad. What happened?"

Kate looked at her best friend and opened her mouth to speak. Then closed it. Finally she spoke. "I let Eric Vaughn kiss me."

"Oh my god!" Lanie shrieked. "What was it like? Tell me! Tell me!"

"Lanie! I pushed him away. But I knew he was going to kiss me and I didn't push him away until after his lips touched mine. And Castle knows."

"How does he know?"

"I told him. I was recreating the shooting for Ryan and we were right together and Castle figured out something was wrong, so I told him."

"You should have lied."

"No! Absolutely not. I almost lost him once before because I lied to him about not hearing him say he loved me. I can't lie to him. I just can't."

Lanie looked at her friend with concern. "What did Castle say?"

Kate shook her head. "Nothing really. I told him that the kiss meant nothing to me. And it didn't. I don't want Eric Vaughn. I want Richard Castle. And that's the problem."

Lanie frowned. "Why is that a problem? You have Castle. Don't you?"

"But what do I have? Our relationship isn't going anyplace. After we got home last night, Castle said he understood that he had been taking me for granted. He said he wasn't going to do that anymore. He wanted to give me a very erotic massage. Before he started, I asked him where we were going. I meant where was our relationship was going. I know he knew that was what I wanted to know. He just made a joke of it. He said we were going to the bedroom."

Kate took another sip of wine. "It reminded me of something that Meredith said to me. That their marriage had failed because Castle would never talk to her about anything serious. He'd make a joke out of everything and change the subject. Is that what he's doing to me?"

Lanie thought about that for a minute or two. "Two things, sweetie. I wouldn't trust Meredith's take on anything. Didn't Castle tell you that she cheated on him and that she filed for the divorce? People do try to make themselves look good, you know. There's more to the divorce than just Meredith's side of it, I'll bet."

"Maybe I should ask him what happened in his two divorces."

"It wouldn't hurt. Now that you're together, he shouldn't object. But there's something else. You've spent a lot more time pushing Castle away than you have trying to pull him to you. Maybe he's just not sure that you want anything more than you two have right now. It's not like you wear your heart on your sleeve, Kate. I could see that he might want to be very careful about pushing any relationship with you."

"Oh, crap. Do you think so?"

Lanie nodded seriously. "I watched you two struggle for years and years to get where you are today. I mean he's told you he loves you, right? And you've told him that you love him."

Kate froze. "Oh." She said quietly.

"Kate Beckett! Don't tell me you've never said…How could you?"

"I sort of mentioned it. Right before his birthday party. I said his crazy theories had solved a lot of cases and that made me love him more."

"You've never come right out and said, "I love you." to Castle?"

"No. But he should know because…"

"Because of what? He's a mind reader?" Lanie said sarcastically.

"I'm going to have to do something, aren't I?"