148. Chapter 148

After Still, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I'd have to be bombed to say I own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above

As soon as they got back to the loft, Kate threw her arms around Rick. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you." She repeated over and over.

Rick ran his hands through her hair. As he looked down at her, he saw tears forming in her eyes. "It's okay. I love you, too. We love each other. I know you love me. You don't have to repeat it over and over."

She rested her head on his chest. "Yes I do. I so have to say I love you over and over and over. I have months, years even of saying, "I love you, Rick Castle." to catch up on. I should have told you that I love you when I came to the loft after I quit the NYPD. I should have told you that I love you when you came to see me in the hospital after I was shot. I should have told you that I loved you when I met you at the book launch party for Storm Fall."

Castle grinned. "Your opening line would have been, "Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD, and I love you."? You didn't even know me then.""

She smiled back at him. "I know. But I wish I had said it. I should have said it." Castle was still smiling. "Okay. Maybe that would have been just a bit premature. But I should have told you so much earlier. All of the things that I was afraid of, everything that I told myself I needed to do before I could love you…I was wrong."

"Kate, whether we ever said we loved each other or not, we've been together for over four years now. And like you said, we've had a great run. You're the best partner, the best friend, the best lover, the best everything and anything, I could ever want."

Kate nodded. "But for years, I was afraid that you didn't care for me. That I'd never be anything but another conquest for you. Or that you cared for me, that you loved me, but not as much as I loved you. I was afraid that you wouldn't continue to love me. That I'd be left all alone with a broken heart."

"Like I left you when I took off for the Hamptons with Gina that summer, instead of you." Castle was suddenly very serious.

"Rick, we've discussed this before. That was entirely my fault. I had been alone and lonely for so long, and then you came along and showed me that I could have some fun. I wanted fun, but I was afraid of letting myself fall for you, so I went with Demming. You had no way of knowing he was my second choice. You were my first choice, Rick. You always have been. You shouldn't feel guilty about going to the Hamptons with Gina."

He slowly shook his head. "I still broke your heart. It's like manslaughter as opposed to murder. I accidentally broke your heart, but I still committed a crime, a crime of passion, so to speak, and I'm guilty. I've been found guilty by a jury of twelve good Castles and true, and sentenced to feel terrible for what I did to you for life by Judge Castle, the Hanging Judge. There is no appeal."

In spite of how serious she felt about this, Kate had to laugh. "Are you sure I can't get you a cake with a hacksaw in it. Or better yet, all of my love? Couldn't you get out of prison that way?"

He shook his head glumly. "No. There's more than that to it. When you started dating Demming, I should have said something. I should have fought for you. I should have told you how I felt."

"And I know why you didn't." She said quickly. "I had spent the prior year pushing you away. I had told you I hated you. I threatened to break your legs. I said I hated Nikki Heat, that it was a stripper's name."

"Yeah. And why should you think I cared about you? I told you all about me screwing Meredith. I slept with Ellie Monroe. I kissed Kyra. I should have my head examined for doing all of that when I should have been concentrating on you."

"I was trying to love Josh, you know. I mean you were with Gina, and I just wanted to be with someone so badly, I thought if I tried hard enough, Josh would turn out to be my one and done." Kate smiled." Do you know that I was thinking that we could double date?" Castle looked shocked. Kate reached up and pulled his lips into a sort of a smile. "Don't be so upset. I wanted my boyfriend and my partner to get to know each other."

"Yeah." Castle said grumpily. "We would have gotten to know each other. I would have challenged him to a duel. Over you."

"No, I would have killed Gina in a fit of jealous rage." She kissed her lover and partner.

"A double date?" Castle thought about it. "Truly one of your lesser ideas, Detective Beckett."

"Luckily for us, Josh was massively jealous of you. He never would have gone for it."

"You left out the part where I was massively jealous of him and I never would have gone for it." Castle shot back. His brow furrowed in thought. "Why would Josh be jealous of me?"

"Aside from the fact that you were a rich and famous author, and a known womanizer, you and I were together more than Josh and I were. And whenever I'd talk about my day, you were always a prominent part of the conversation. I never told Josh this, but I always looked forward to getting up in the morning and seeing you more than I looked forward to coming home at night and being with him. I didn't want to admit to myself how I had fallen for you."

"And I didn't admit it until you were on the ground with a bullet in you. That was way too late. Almost permanently too late."

Kate shrugged. "I should have said something when you broke up with Gina. I knew by then that I'd never settle for Josh. I should have told you how I felt. I should have admitted that I heard you say that you loved me. Everything that I was afraid of, everything that I thought might happen, wasn't real. What is real is that we love each other."

"I do love you, Kate." Rick smiled at his partner, best friend and lover.

"And I can't think of anyone who would have done what you did today. You stayed with me until the last second. You were ready to die with me."

Rick shook his head. "No, I was ready to save you."

"Have it your way then." She kissed him lightly on the cheek. He kissed her more passionately on the lips.

"Do you know what I've decided, Kate?"

"Tell me."

"We fell for each other at exactly the same time. The Universe knew we had to be together. QED."

"You think so?"

"Always."

She nodded. "Always."