Easy Life... Not

(A/N: Goddamn I woke up a while ago and holy shit, you guys demolished that req.)

I'm thinking about taking my words about being in the good graces of royalty being a good thing back.

The room they gave me was too small, my feet dangled off the edge of the bed when I lied down on it, and I've hit my head on the doorframe about three times now.

I'm not even going to mention the fact that I'm being monitored constantly, or the fact that there's holes in the portrait of the white haired guy hanging above the fireplace.

No, I'm upset because they're yet to give me a single bit of food except grapes.

How inhospitable.

Even Miquella was nice enough to at least feed me properly, although he did try to mind fuck me a few hours later so I don't know if that's a good example... probably not now that I think about it.

But, there were ups too.

For one, the white tunic inlaid with golden edges and the cotton braies.

Don't judge me, this is proper medieval nobility drip.

"Maybe I should take up Renly on his not-so-subtle offer?" I wondered to myself as I studied my features in the handheld mirror... or 'looking glass' if we're going by what they call it.

The maid I asked for it looked at me like I was an alien.

"Yep, nothing's changed."

The pond from before only gave so much clarity, this thing is much cleaner.

...Still, I have a problem.

My eyes were bright gold when I first came here, they started dulling soon after and now they don't look any different from normal human eyes.

This means the Iris of Grace I was using is running out. 

I knew already that the effect was fleeting so I had several of them on my person but most of my belongings went to Marika knows where when I woke up here.

They were supposed to grant the light of Grace temporarily.

This was important in the Lands Between.

After I started devouring any and all dragons I could get my hands on, my eyes went from gold at the start to an abyssal black with a red tint after a certain point.

I didn't know what that meant except for an edgy cosmetic effect till people started randomly attacking me for grave heresy.

The Iris of Grace prevented that so long as it was active.

According to a certain someone, it meant that I had gone from being a random inconsequential shitstain in the eyes of Grace to a shunned heretic that decried all it meant.

Devouring creatures blessed by Grace with no belief in it meant that my actions wouldn't be appreciated, who could have guessed?

Anyway, I don't have any more irises and soon enough these eyes are going to stand out like a sore thumb, probably start some religious crusade against me here too.

Letting out a sigh, I tossed the mirror onto the table and fixed my belt.

"It probably doesn't even matter as much as I think it does."

I'm hard-wired to think of everything in terms of what it would mean in the Lands Between.

Anyway, I have to see about getting some reward sanctioned by Robert before he goes to sleep permanently.

Nodding to myself, I walked out of the room, taking care to avoid hitting my head against the doorframe again, and looked at the poor footsoldier assigned to making sure everyone knew who I was.

"What's a man gotta do to get laid around here?" I asked him bluntly.

He looked at me with confused eyes, "Pardon?"

I made a ring with one hand and poked a finger through it with the other, "Where?"

"Brothel, m'lord?"

"No." I shot him down immediately, "I'm too full of myself to go for prostitution."

I'm arrogant like that.

"Erm..." He squirmed slightly, unsure what to say, "I'm sorry, m'lord."

Well, I guess I do have something else to do, "Take me to the King then."

He nodded in affirmation and started walking.

Dunno how he's gonna find him considering he's been with me all the time but... I guess that's not really my problem.

-

So yeah, he just asked someone to tell him and then lead me up a tower before bowing and scurrying away like he was scared I'd eat him or something... Soldiers that do what they're told are the best.

Along the way, I saw a lot of the usual nobility, some of them didn't even bother to hide their gazes and just stared me up and down like I was a piece of tasty meat... though, I did notice one odd thing.

There's way too many of those gold cloak soldiers in the Keep, and judging by how thrown off the servants seemed, I know it's not normal either. Then there's the red cloaked soldiers in full gear mingling with them.

Did I walk in on some kind of coup d'etat?

Shaking my head, I knocked on the small wooden door.

It was opened by a stoic-looking man with dark hair and steely eyes, "...Who?"

"I need to talk with the King."

Probably not the best way to start this particular conversation but I'm not really one for dancing around the subject if you haven't noticed.

He studied my face quietly before backing away just enough to let Robert who was lying on a bed inside the room to get a look.

"Ah, let him in." The King beckoned for me with his hand, "I was just getting bored with all the shit they're making me deal with."

"You've seen better days." I commented, stepping inside with a small smile.

It feels wrong to ask a dying man for a reward but... we all have to get by somehow.

"Damn right I have."

"Not talking about the injury. I reckon you weren't a walking reason to not be fat at one point in time."

He snickered at my words, "Sit, sit. I have something to talk about."

I cast a glance at the faint surprise on the face of the other man in the room before shrugging and taking a seat across from Robert, crossing one leg over the other.

"Ned, this is the lad I was talking about. He tossed that fucking boar like a dainty whore." He bragged loudly, "Remember that one from..."

He trailed off, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath, "Anyway, lad."

"Karl."

"Karl." He looked at me sternly, "I don't think I have much time left."

That much is obvious, maybe if I found him sooner he'd be okay but... I didn't really have a reason to.

I just nodded at him.

"Ned over there just wrote my will. He's going to... be the regent, till my boy grows up."

Ned flinched at his words, averting his gaze... but that's guilt on his face, not just regret.

"So I'm not even getting a penny for what I did." I spoke plainly, tilting my head slightly.

I mean, it makes sense if you think about it.

My help didn't really amount to much in the end.

"You mangy cunt, I was getting to that." He smiled, visibly amused, "Protect Ned. He'll compensate you proper."

"Why?"

I have no obligation to do anything more for them, I can reduce this whole city to rubble faster than they can say, 'Oh shit'.

There's no real incentive for me to protect someone.

At least with the Tarnished brat I had insurance that I'd live like a hedonist once he ascended to the throne.

"That's the Ki-"

Robert cut off Ned with a raised hand before turning to look at me again, "Serving the Lord Regent would come with a hefty pay and enough whores to last you a lifetime."

I clapped my hands together, "Well damn, that's all you had to say. I'll do what he says."

I figure this'll be more than entertaining for a good while, I've never had a front row seat to royalty drama before.

Robert glanced at Ned in silent apprehension.

"Now fuck off. I need some sleep."

This guy is awesome.

-

As soon as we were out the door, Ned turned to me and said the kind of shit I... honestly should've expected from royalty.

"I'll trust Robert's word... His children are bastards born of incest."

Goddammit again?!?

What the fuck?

Is this some kind of joke?

...Ugh.

At least it's better than Miquella trying to marry Radahn... Both of those guys were siblings... brothers.

How would it even work?

I'd rather not think about that.

"...And you think not telling him that is a good idea?" I asked quietly, looking around for prying eyes and ears.

"I have... a plan."

"Does this plan have something to do with an outright confrontation with no soldiers of your own? Cause if it does, you're done for."

Ned ignored my question and started making his way down the stairs.

"If you're half the warrior Robert thinks you are, I'll need you yet."

What did that guy even say about me?

-

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Gib PS for extra chap.