US_DreamerDon
just an artist looking for inspiration
Tulisan
membaca
119
Membaca buku-buku
New chapter. This is where the story really changes from the old one!
UPDATED CHAPTER
Thank you for the offer, but I'm good.
For spacing. I wanted a break so readers can gather their thoughts. Think of them as empty lines.
Thank you very much
Okay. I don't know if you thought about this part: Her lips aren't going to match up to her words.
If my brain is naturally translating, would I pick up on it? This is my point.
Alright. I like the hook- It says something bad has happened. However, I find that the first chapter is just a preview. And honestly, I don't like previews/prologues. In my mind, they are mainly for exposition dumps. The grammar is easy to follow and I do like her coming to terms with being isekai'd. This could use a bit more descriptions from the MC's point of view. You could tell us what details catches her eye. This could help define her character as well.
How does she know that she's speaking a different language?
My main complaint is that the story jumps around too much and it becomes impossible to follow. For example, the first chapter ends with the girl who hijacked a ride meets people. Then the second chapter straight transitions with the MC fighting these people. There's no lead up of the MC approaching them. So after reading two chapters, I'm gonna walk away from this one.
"Yeah! You're right! AND soil men LIVE underground!"
You have an ending ", but no starting. Thus, nobody's actually talking.
Not the best opening. Try phrasing it as a question: "Well, what do you know? Rock is a soil man! Hahaha!"