Chapter 12

All the time I had spent preparing myself for the possibility of that very same outcome, had been a waste of time and energy. I was able to keep myself from falling apart and breaking into a million pieces, but that lasted just a smidgen above fuck all. Nothing could have prepared me for the overwhelming feeling of loss and despair, that tugged at my heart. Was I foolish to believe that there was a chance for more? Yes. I concluded and halted my steps before entering the kitchen. I had half a mind to go back and clarify things, but to what end? I let out a shaky breath and pushed onwards.

" Is everything alright?" Laira asked the moment I walked back into the kitchen, pointing at the cup of coffee waiting for me.

" Yes, " I took a deep breath, to steel myself before saying more." We just went over some things regarding the soup kitchen, since the storm had left everything in shambles," My voice cracked, so I looked away. It was over just as fast as it started. Nothing lasts forever, I told myself and took a seat at the table.

" Maybe, I should go home, Lily. Mr Kinnaird is here and I don't think he would appreciate having me around," Laira noted with furrowed brows, as she kept glancing at the kitchen door.

" No, don't go. He won't mind. I'm sure of it. You won't even know he is here," I pleaded trying to ease Laira's worries. He would most likely go out to resume his status quo. As previously known, the biggest man whore in Morston. His words, not mine.

" Are you sure?" Laira pressed further, and I was grateful that she was around to keep my mind off things.

" Yes. Now, what do you want to eat? We have a little bit of time on our hands, so we can make something. Preferably, something quick," I added, barely mustering a smile. Simply, because I was hiding the bitterness that was quickly taking over my mind. The victory rush didn't last very long. I needed something to numb the pain in my bleeding heart.

" Sounds good. What do you have in mind?" Laira narrowed her eyes at me when I rubbed my eyes to keep myself from crying.

" Are you crying?" God damn it. Yes, but I didn't want to cry. I wanted to be brave and keep my head above the water. I knew what awaited me once I went down that rabbit hole.

" No. Don't mind me," I brushed it off as I stood up to rummage through the fridge, and to avoid Laira's scrutinising gaze. I was crumbling, faster than I had expected. A bottle of wine sitting on the shelf was my salvation. I didn't need food. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to forget that the last forty-something minutes ever happened. It felt akin to a nightmare.

" I thought you didn't drink," Laira remarked as I turned around with a bottle and two glasses in my hand.

" Things change," I bitterly said, filling up her glass and drinking my share straight out of the bottle. There was no point in dirtying the glass. My journey on the downward spiral was fast, dizzying and lubricated with alcohol.

" Lily, what is happening? You joked around all day, and now all of a sudden....you are all over the place. What is going on? Are you in trouble because of me?" That made me laugh, and that question deserved a serving of wine. I wished that were true. But that was the least of my problems.

" No, Laira. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with you, " I chuckled, as the alcohol was finally doing his best work. Riding me of the pain of betrayal, and dissapointemt mostly in myself. For once I wished that what I was going through was nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

" It's just," I sighed, and placed the bottle on the table, I could already feel it in my head, " Did you ever have feelings for someone but didn't quite know how to tell them?" My mouth gained a mind of its own and before I realised the question slipped out of my mouth.

" Why do you ask?" Laira asked with furrowed brows, keenly observing me. The little spark in her eyes was a sign that her curiosity had been peaked. I couldn't disclose what happened behind closed doors. All I could think of was the repercussions we would both suffer if it ever came out.

" No, no. Answer the question. I want to hear your answer." At this stage, I was relaxed, a little buzzed, but not enough to make my speech slur or sway in my seat.

" Ummm, maybe...it was a while ago but it was just me so I had to let go," Smart girl. Something, I should have done but didn't quite figure out how to do it. Not for the lack of trying. I had tried hating him, focused on his flaws, on the things he said, the way he spoke to me. I had over analysed him and picked him apart, piece by piece in the hope that I would find something or anything to help me sway my sentiments towards him. The only thing that bothered me was the frostiness he showed outside the bedroom.

I hummed, " I see. So, what should we eat," I changed the topic as I stood up and ended up bracing myself against the table when my vision blurred a little.

" I don't know....uhm what is there to eat," Laira pushed herself up, and pulled the chair for me to sit back down," Sit down. You haven't eaten much today and you shouldn't drink on an empty stomach," Laira sighed, " And maybe you could tell me who this mysterious man is that had stolen your heart," She added as she walked to the fridge, and began pulling things out of it.

" There are quite a lot of leftovers, so we will have that," She hurriedly added, pilling up the storage containers on the kitchen counter

" I was alone, so I cooked quite a lot, out of habit," I chuckled, as I reached for the bottle, but Laira snatched it before I even had a chance to touch the damn thing.

"Aw," I whined " Killjoy," I sloppily scoffed, and felt my knees buckle when I tried to push myself off the chair, again. I wasn't going anywhere.

" Right, the food is in the oven. It will take about twenty minutes. So, who is it?" Laira curiously asked as she took a seat at the table, and my vision blurred again. I forcefully blinked a few times to get a clearer view.

" It doesn't matter. I do not exist to him," I whispered, and it was more to myself than Laira. She hummed and leaned back in her chair wearing an " I still want to know" look on her face. Unfortunately for me, Laira was a hound when it came to uncovering secrets.