People I've Killed...(Joey)

It's been another week. And I'm getting used to my life now. This farming life isn't easy. I have to do a lot of chores. And that prick, Jason gives me more every time he sees me laying down for a few minutes. He can't bear the sight of me.

And I'll be honest, even if it gets hard, even though my whole body aches so much that I could just fall from exhaustion before I could reach my room, I still don't mind. My mind's always relaxed and preoccupied while I do the work. And I don't feel afraid about anything here.

Ed makes sure Jason doesn't ask me anything about my past. He can't even if he wanted to, since Charlotte or Emma are mostly a few feet away from where ever I'm working.

I'm getting along well with them. Well enough for them to ask me to join them on the dinner table. And you know, it's fun.

It's nice to see their warmth. Emma babbling about her school and friends, Jason ignoring me but listening intently and making suggestion about what to do in life. Ed remains silent most of the time but would remind us about the next day's work or complain about his back. Roofus of course would keep whining about eating our food and Emma would secretly sneak him her leftovers from under the table.

Charlotte doesn't talk much. Or listens either. She just stays lost in thought, So deep inside her mind that it's hard to pull her out.

She's like that during work too. Sitting on the ground, far away to maintain a safe distance but close enough to keep an eye on me. She stopped being a suspicious of me, she doesn't reply with a sly comment to my stupid questions, she doesn't even smile at the sky like she used to.

But today was a bit different, she didn't come out today at all, as I plucked the weed from the grass. I quietly did my work, wiping the cold sweat from my forehead, shivering from the weather, clutching the jacket i was wearing, tighter to my skin.

I watched Ed and Jason, carefully managing the fields of crop. They never let me go close to it. Maybe because I wasn't good for the job. Whatever, not like I care since I already have my hands full.

"Hey Emma?" I call out to where she was standing, leaning against a tree, absorbed in a book.

"What?" She replies.

"Could you get me some water?" I ask, standing up and wiping the dirt of my pants.

"For what?" She blinks, closing the book shut after a quick motion of folding the page she was reading.

"Oh, just so I can swim in it." I roll my eyes, "What do you think it's for?"

She snickers, "You sure are a sarcastic guy."

I smile, "Just go."

She hops away, her red curly hair bouncing from the wind.

I sit down on the grass, deciding to take a rest until she comes back.

But instead, Charlotte walks out, wearing a slick black dress, formal and long. The sleeves reached further from the wrists, so it was bigger then her size. She starts to wear a black jacket, trembling a little, because of how thin the clothe was.

Wonder what she's up to?

She walks past me, as if I wasn't even there, taking striding steps to read Ed.

They exchange a few words before Ed nods and she gives a weak smile.

Coming back in my direction, about to ignore me completely again but this time, I say,

"Heading out?"

She stops, but doesn't turn towards me, muttering, "Obviously."

I scoff. She may have lost her skepticism towards me but not the bitter tone.

"Where to?" I inquire, my hands digging inside the soft ground.

Her head tilts a bit, as she says, deadpanned, "And why are you questioning me? I can go where ever I want."

"In case you forgot," I point out, with all the derision I could muster, "I've been living trapped in this house for a really long time. Frankly, I don't even know what your town is like, considering you never let me go. So excuse me for being a little curious."

Her eyes shoot at me, at first threatening, ready for a fight but then they soften, as she sighs, tired, "I don't have time for this right now."

I stand up immediately, shrugging, "Judging by that outfit, and the conversation you had with your dad yesterday, you may not be going to an...'exciting' place right now." I pause, wondering if I should comfort her or not, "Well...hope you live though it."

Shit. Did I just say that? Did I just say that to a girl who's going to a funeral?

I swallow down a scream, swearing at myself as she stares at me with disbelief.

"Hey..." I bring myself to say, "I didn't mean to-"

"You heard me talking to dead yesterday." She hisses, grinding her teeth.

Oh..

"Uh well. Yes...?" I reply, hesitantly.

"Were you spying on me or something?" She glares, angrily. "We talked pretty late so-"

"Look now, that's not fair." I snap, "I just happened to overhear you two talking about a funeral because the walls are pathetically thin!"

"But you still listened to our conversation?" She says, bitterly.

I clench my fist, working on my jaw, "If you let me finish- I never meant to eavesdrop. I'm not at fault here."

"Convenient." She mutters.

"Coincidence." I shoot back.

There's a long silence and as we stand still, curt and stiff.

And it seemed like we were like that for a whole damn lifetime when Charlotte sighs, pressing her hand on her head and wincing, as if in pain.

"Are...you alright?"

"Uh...yes." Then she shakes her head violently, her loose bun slipping, "Actually no. I-I don't know. The stress of it...just..."

"I understand the feeling." I bent down to pluck a flower, squeezing it like it would console me, "Shit happens. It's best to get through with it quickly."

She raises her eyebrows, "Someone you knew...died?"

I hesitate to answer. I've watched people die. Does that count?

"You can say that."

She takes a deep, shaky breath, "Well, to be honest, I don't even know whose funeral it is. I never met them."

"Oh?" My expression twists with curiosity.

She nods, staring down at the direction from where a huge fluffy cloud floats in the sky, her hands clenching into fists.

"There's someone I know. Actually, someone the whole town knows. His relatives."

I stare at the deep everlasting sky, sad but smiling. I love how free it is.

"Was...the sky not blue enough for you back where you came from?" Charlotte asks, all of a sudden, a small smile on her lips, indicating that she was joking.

But the question hit me hard. I don't know why but it does.

The sky...back home?

That sky was so far away. And yet now, I feel like if I could just reach out with my hand, I'll grab everything. The sky and all it stored behind it.

I never looked at it. Maybe my stress was so heavy that it forced me to lower my eyes, all the time.

Finally, I shake my head, managing a convincingly real smile, "Back where I came from...there was no sky." I say, softly. "Just some delusion. Right there above me, but not really. No, not at all."

All those people I left. All those people I have forget as soon as I look at this infinite sky. All the pressure rises, and I become a new person. Every time I look at the sky, I simply forget. Everyone- everything.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Charlotte asks, curiously, "Where are you really from, Joey?"

I open my mouth but nothing comes out, until I find the words, "I...don't know." Feeling as confused as she looks.

"You don't know where you came from?" She crosses her arms, shocked.

I smile, a smile that hides so much more. "I...I guess that sky makes me forget."

She gapes at me, obviously thinking how stupid I sound.

I quickly change the topic, "Uh what were their names? The people who...well you know."

Her face changes into realization from suspicion as she grabs her phone, "Well, my friend texted me their names? I don't know something like, Ashley and..."

I look away to where Emma was running, a heated water bottle in her hands, her book tucked under her arm. What took her so long?

"Oh!" Charlotte snaps her fingers as Emma reaches me, breathing heavy from the slight uphill run from the house to the fields, "I remember their names!"

"Here's you water." Emma says, sucking in air, extending the bottle for me to take.

"Ian and Abigail Lard." Charlotte says.

The bottle falls from my hands, the open container spilling on the ground.

My legs start jiggling so much that I try not to fall. My breaths punched right out of my lungs.

Those names.

Her screams, her cry for help. Her betrayed eyes.

She was in pain. He was dead. Both of them, on their way to a thrilling trip. Instead, they suffered. Suffered so great that it makes my chest ache.

I was too late. I spent too much time gathering my guts like a coward.

It was all my fault...

"Why did you do that!" Emma groans, "You spilled all of it! I'm not going to go and bring you more all over again!"

"Joey?" Charlotte frowns, "What- Are you ok?"

There voices weren't enough to bring me back to reality. But I somehow managed to say, in an uneven voice,

"I'm gonna go..."

I walk away before I could hear their response.

Ian and Abigail. Abigail and Ian.

The people who died because of me. The people I've killed.