Hope Renewal

These were just two words but I knew with absolute certainty that they will be my peak volume even without trying them.

These were the words I had stopped using for the purpose of getting help…how ashamed I felt as I grew up.

I believed these were the first things I had to shed to touch maturity. Because others will definitely tease me for it.

But knew deep in my heart that these two persons will not think twice. They will just abandon everything to come for my help once my peak volume of call relayed my dire need to them. There will be no requirement of convincing or promise, no dealing or sweet-talking…...my last reserve...my trump card!

"DADDY!!!!! MOMMY!!!!! DADDY!!! MOMMY!!!...."

I kept shouting relentlessly, repeating them over and over. I had faith that even if they took time, they will eventually come. It didn't matter what others thought, I will be as much shameless as I need to be.

Memories started to surface as my brain was stimulated by my own cries and it started to reveal where I called out these two persons orderly with my progressing age. All started with a little naïve toddler.

Yes he had used these primal cries for help multiple times after he was able to voice them bringing unusual happiness and attention from the ones it was directed to.

Because they eventually woke him up that he forgot it as a nightmare, shooed away a stray dog or any other intimidating identity. Their mere presence cleared the insecurities that bubbled up in him finding himself alone and in strange places.

The one and only exception was when one of them dragged him somewhere for something that other just ignored or even supported his peril. Like the mom dragging him to the bathtub every weekend or the father fooling him to visit the dentists or the sadists and similar occasions where they acted for his benefit.

"Mommy!? Daddy!! I'm here!! Right Here!!" As those fond times became refreshed bringing joy and faith, I started believing that help was on the way. 'It could be any minute now.'

But right then the memory wheel took a sudden full stop as the time ordered recollection unlocked something nasty, something so distressful and disastrous that it was subconsciously suppressed after years of inner conflicts and convincing, in the deepest vaults of my mind and heart. A certain forgotten memory burst out like visions radiating uneasy feeling into me. It was a bit unfamiliar like a lost fragment at first which gave me even more urge to dig it further. It felt really alien when I started recalling that past.

No…..This was another exception, one particular that changed my outlook after and the world became wrong to me, I recalled with shock. Realizing what it was I immediately tried to shake my head off of it. Recalling this shit now was a really bad idea. I knew but the dice had already been cast. And with my mind already on the verge of losing control from the ongoing struggle and all the stress, I couldn't stop it.

It happened when I was two, or three perhaps? This was most certainly the last time I called for them and stopped from that time on.

It must have been a cloudy day as the visions were a bit dark. With similarly darkened faces they told the little guy to be good and left with the big suitcase in tow, one that he used for hiding sometimes.

When he called as they were walking away, they didn't turn around to look at him which was unusual and suspicious. They had left other times but not like that. It felt different somehow.

As he tried to chase after them, he was held back by his grandparents and held tightly. Suddenly he had a foreboding and began to call them even loudly, instincts sharp as ever. The plea was unanswered which only convinced him of the emergency it entailed.

The grandparents were unusually strong that day. No matter how much he struggled they didn't budge. The dread and worry in him intensified as he began crying and helplessly watched their backs shrinking as the long courtyard lead them further and further away.

When their silhouette finally passed the shadowy gate and disappeared, it felt like he was left behind...I was left behind. Intense sorrow and sadness overwhelmed him and he continued wailing the same two words.

Once his eyes and throat recovered whichever first he overused them continuously until the tiredness eventually lulled him to sleep. He even dreamt the same thing wetting the soft pillow damp. How happy he was when he woke up to find it was just a dream and how easily it cracked when he realized...…..it was not.

That day the two closest people to him disappeared from his life just like that, for reasons he couldn't begin to comprehend in his age.

To the immature mind which was good at interpretations no matter good or bad and wild imaginations that could even replace real memories, it became a start point of something nasty.

"DA...."

As I recalled that moment I stopped calling their names instantly. 'They didn't return back then. What gives that their aid is guaranteed?'

The earliest me was so different, detached from the current version of me that I was obliged to call him a different person. So cheerful, so outgoing, always ready to make friends, ready to entertain whoever paid attention. My personality had gone through three distinct phases at this point, with current being the fourth in line.

The person I was now was an amalgam, an agreement between the past and the present, between selfs the actual and the ideal, the family and the society. The world changed and I simply adapted into it, far too much though.

With a heart full of grief I ceased all the racket and lay their motionless as a fine line of tear trickled down from the corners of my eyes and wetted my earlobes.

This is what I hated about my memory….it was as much of a boon as it was a curse.

'Why can't I just forget these pasts?' Because when they were recalled, even the emotions embedded in them from that time came back in full effect. The current mindset in turn became overwhelmed and lost its ways in the torrent.

Here I was grasping onto any hope I could. And now that the despair and sorrow of the past came to me, I had started to lose hope.

That was a memory of past but a traumatizing one nonetheless. It affected my childhood severely and was linked to some bad memories of misconducts that brought only shame and regrets to the present me.

Wrong deeds that one regretted very much but still remained unpunished are absolutely haunting.

Despite the brooding, the practiced self-control and forcefully self-instilled optimism finally made return.

'I was actually about to give up by looking at my past??' I couldn't believe in myself.

'What is wrong with me? Why I am digging memories when I am facing life and death?'

'And why am I losing hope over what happened in the past!? The present is different!! My family is once again whole and waiting for my return.'

"I cannot give up no matter what..."