-18-

Today, stopped by the barrier two friends who I thought were loud and obnoxious until I heard what they were yelling.

Passenger seat girl was bawling and the driver was comforting her. Passenger girl at one point yelled: 'why did you become my friend anyways? If I'm nothing but a loser?'. The driver calmly said: 'because you defended my hair when someone told me how I cut it didn't suit my face.'

Then before I knew it the passenger seat girl pointed at me and asked me to do my damn job and lift up the barrier. I'd forgotten about the robe keeping the barrier from going up so I untied that while passenger girl found comfort in yelling at me.

That's not the full circle I was wishing for. What else would I expect when all that ever happened, happened in my head.

I'm a parking building guard who just lost her dad, the only family I ever had. Of course, I'll make up stories from passengers in cars. They're the only people I see and for change, they come to me, they need me to let them in or out.

I take it you noticed how I suck at naming things! But all the names I've given are of my childhood. Being called Bliss was never something I hated, but Baba wanted to call me something else to stop associating me with my sister.

He first came up with Blue-March. Baba had a thing for connecting things together. After I'd cried in front of him for the first time, we walked around in silence and wound up in the middle of a march the town organized to bring awareness to colon cancer. We wore blue ribbons and joined and then he was offered a free test.

It was okay until Baba realized how much I laughed and he thought Blue didn't do me justice: "How are you Blue when you're indeed Bliss?".

So, next came Juicy-Scarlett because I started to gain weight. He kept true to the color part I once had in my name though.

Juicy-Scarlett didn't last long because I lost the weight as fast as I gained it. Baba had full cheeks and was bummed I lost mine with the weight loss; he thought we finally looked a little alike.

We used to watch Harry Potter a lot and from there he picked up the name Danielle. Baba thought calling me Harry would be as weird as my previous names so he ended up calling me the feminine version of the actor portraying the character.

Then I was Iris when he remembered mom loved the flower too much and came up with the assumption that it would've been my name.

He bought me one so we can plant it and I underwent a severe allergy reaction. Baba fell frustrated because not a lot of people have Iris allergies, it's just my luck.

When we stopped looking for it, stopped forcing it, my name came to life. One day we heard one of our changing neighbors yelling "Yagalbi" repeatedly. Then we heard it again and again and Baba being the curious one paid a visit next door to learn that the hell that meant.

It literally meant calling someone my heart. When that neighbor moved Baba missed hearing that. He started joking around calling me Yagalbi, Galbi for short and it stuck.

So, what do you see when you look in the mirror? I told you about the shooting star but never told you what it reflected on. There's the ever changing ribbons tied along my braided long hair, orange round glasses, Gryffindor pin and watery eyes.

The usual people who kept passing by the barrier, I saw. But they never saw me as it's been my recurring state ever since Baba passed away. I thought I'd make up stories and matter and make them matter at least until I pick up the courage and talk.

Juicy-Scarlett is the name I gave to a chubby girl I saw in the film class. She wished me a goodnight every day at 10:30 PM; that's when she left the barrier every single night. I always wondered if she wished Ammo a good morning on daily basis.

There's always a Harry Potter book on her dashboard that keeps falling, it resulted in her driving into the barrier a lot. She apologizes a lot for that, so the only conversation we ever had consisted of saying goodnight back and forth and her saying she's sorry and me saying it's okay.

Blue-March is the name I gave the girl who sometimes accompanies her. I often see her driving around the parking, she passes by the barrier at least twice a day, except on weekends.

She wears dark eyeliner, black nail polish, a grim face and vibrant clothing. We only talked once when she fell on the meter by meter garden and the sprinklers went off, she laughed so hard I didn't know if I should help her or leave her be.

Danielle is the name I gave to a girl who always sits in the middle of the backseat in a minivan. Not once had I seen their car not packed with people who laughed and talked while she sat there in quiet with her big hair and tiny body eating a banana.

We never talked but she saw me enough times to stop giving me death stares and now it's just side looks and smirks.

Iris is the name I gave to the most elegant girl I've seen around. She always comes through the bus station and sits on a bench with her shades and buttoned up shirts.

She sticks her nose in her notebook and would write for hours. She scribbled on her notebook and cried and cracked up on her own until it's too late, then someone would come pick her up in a nice black car.

She always smiles at me whenever she passed by the parking building, I meant it when I said she's my favorite smile.

Zachary is the one selling donut holes in a truck patrolling our block. It's called Jacked on Donuts and he actually delivers to me because he lives right on top of our apartment.

The reason why I slept around him is because he has a loud presence, I felt his footsteps and him making the dough with his mom and sister. It always was easier to fall asleep when someone's around and the livelihood of his apartment felt like company when I was alone.

Zachary's been looking tired lately because he fears he might face another suspension; one of his staff complained about not receiving his pay.

The first time he got suspended was because a customer falsely accused him of low-hygiene. He's been bald and covered in gloves and face masks ever since.

It was pathetic how my mind reacted and created all this… but believe me you, I couldn't help it. I saw a girl that I instantly recognized from the film class I barged in and she didn't even notice me. Even though I was the one standing front and center reading a story that rhymed and all she did was giving me a single look before finishing her donut.

I was planning to stop it when I made Danielle blame her granny's death on me but I didn't want to be a jinx forever in my head. I had to do something to believe I wasn't, to stop ever doubting everything around me would go wrong.

I don't see people that don't exist, I don't hear voices. I just write better people who'd look around and ponder, who'd be considerate to lonely people in huge uniforms and untidy hair, who'd stop to listen even when the world is far more interesting.

Wouldn't the world be better when we're not selfish with our time and effort? When we're not too proud to recognize faces and get them our regards? When we just let people be and not object to all that is different to us?

I'm sorry I misled you, you're probably in the part where you know your favorite character and it's not Bliss… I feared you too won't see me.

The only true parts are when I talked and my lisp was gone. That's actually how I differentiate reality from my imagination. Saying something wrong or differently is one way to not mean it, I learned that from school.

There was a girl who kept messing up 'I swear' whenever she was called a liar. She was lying indeed; that's why she always swore wrong.

So, as my last story stated, the monsters are dead and that's okay, I'll no longer confide in them. My fears are dead and now I shall live.

"I see you!"

Jade yelled when I stood frozen outside of The Cafeteria. The weather was starting to get colder by the day, I thought I'd feel offended had anybody offered me a jacket but now I'm so terrified, I could use warmth.

"Took you long enough," he teased when I finally went in, "want your usual?"

"Yes, please."

"Oh, yeah, wait!" He turned at me holding a bread and a spatula, "I got you something." He preciously gushed.

He left what's in his hands and went through the back door. I looked at it waiting for him, admitting he's now the only person I know both in my head and heart.

"Here," he gave me a red bag that read: Maltesers, "I checked, it doesn't contain peanuts" he said going back to making my sandwich.

"Thank you."

Jade gave me my sandwich and started cleaning his skillet. He swiftly turned around midway through his dancing routine and caught me staring at him, still standing teary eyed with my sandwich in my hand. He took me by the hand and pulled a chair for me. I sat while he went and turned the sign to the 'Closed' side and sat facing me.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know," I breathed playing with the sandwich's wrapping.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"I'm not complaining," I looked at him, "but how is it that you're the only person who sees me? You say I never saw you, I get that and I don't know how I did it… but how do you see me?"

"Well," he said crossing his fingers together on the table between us, "it's like having a sister…"

"I don't have a sister…" I stopped him.

"I don't too, way to sound smart!" He sniggered, "um, it's like having a mom…"

I sighed, "really?"

"Okay, I got you," he said and nodded his head smiling, I bet he found something I can relate to finally that isn't dead, "it's like having a favorite chocolate!"

"I don't have a favorite chocolate…"

"You're killing me here!" He tried to snap at me but I interrupted him…

"But Baba did," I said teasing and he made a face at me, "go on."

"The thing about your favorite chocolate is you've always seen it but one day," he stopped to increase suspension… WhistlySnipes, now I get it! Miss Tea is funny!!!

"You see it in the supermarket, taste it and realize, that's your favorite chocolate!" He stopped, "why are you laughing?"

"I'm sorry I just remembered Nana's Whistly Snipes joke" I stopped laughing and stiffed up, "sorry!" I finally felt comfortable enough to eat so I took a bite of my sandwich.

"Well, remember when she said we look like a couple she's rooting for but wished looked better?" He chuckled and suddenly stopped looking dead serious, "funny because it's true!"

"I'm sorry I swear I'm listening," I looked at him waiting for him to go on.

Jade wiped some cream cheese from the corner of my mouth and went on, "so, now that it's your favorite chocolate, you buy it all the time and munch on it until one day," he stopped again to raise suspension, "you get sick of it… so you stop buying it or eating it… BUT! You see it and even though you get sick of it, you know it's your favorite"

"I think this is the longest you've talked and it's freaking me out!"

"Wait I'm not done"

"Sure"

"Then the circle goes on and on…" he's not done, "one day you look at it and realize you miss it! So you eat it and eat it until you get sick of it, but it's your favorite! Everyone got a favorite chocolate that they see, appreciate and love. You are mine, of course I'll see you."

"I believe that's the best thing I'd ever heard."

"Bliss, I'd say and do anything, anything!" He paused to raise suspension, "not to see your ugly crying face again!"

Next to the photo frame of me and Baba matching clothes on father's day at school, I placed the photo I got from my boss on my birthday. It's me piggyback riding on Baba's back and young Jade's head in the background standing by the front desk.

It's when Baba worked as a bus driver, it's the job that stuck. He worked as a teacher but left the job when he noticed some students didn't feel comfortable around his face scar, a food stand cook for a while until he got sick of smelling or chopping onions, a mailman for a few weeks for the heck of it and a bus driver finally.

He loved the bus and the route he took to the Farmer's Market downtown, I often joined him and it was one of my favorite things to do.

At the end of the ride Baba would buy us two mini chocolate plates. It's an Italian chocolate we used to get from cheap minimarkets. It's half white chocolate, half hazel chocolate and wholly delicious. I went to the supermarket today and it was a dollar each… must've been a force of habit how I grabbed 2 since it was 2 for a dollar.

The tin foil covering the chocolate is thick. We used to roll both foil covers then connected the ends of each together, making 2 equally sized rings.

One I'd wear on my ring finger, and another Baba would wear on his pinky. He said, this is a promise I'll be there when you're married. No matter how the rings got ruined, dinged or simply lost. We'd go down that familiar route again and end up with two chocolate plates, two rings and a recurring promise that I believed.

Sometimes we make plans, even promises in hopes we live till the day they come to life. It kills me that Baba won't be there when I'm in love or heartbroken, successful or weak, married, hard working, strong or when I'm a mother.

It was important to Baba that he'd see me in a wedding gown crying his heart out, how grateful am I that he made plenty crying faces trying to imagine that day now that I know he won't be there. It was important to him because, Baba even though he lived and kept saying he had the best life and childhood, he still had to lose everyone.

He felt alone up until his wedding day standing side by side with the love of his life, she was the hope he thought he'd lost, she was the family he no longer lacked.

Baba's constant promise to be there when I'm getting married, does make it better. He won't be there but he wanted to and made sure I knew it.

If that day comes whenever it may be, I will probably look for him, wearing my white gown… just like I waited for him to open the door whenever I heard footsteps outside… but that's because I've seen his face, I've heard his footsteps and attempts to joke, I was surrounded by his presence and he'll always live as long as I live.

Even if we didn't have enough time together, I'd like to think Baba's life was full. He lives when tears are turned to laughter, he lives in my heart and in sunlight.