Chapter 40

I remember how he used to trust me with everything that he owed. He never questioned when it came to being responsible for what he owned. I used to use his bank card for whatever I need, all he'd say was that "no swiping unnecessary things", that's what girls are known for. But good thing I wasn't that girl, I didn't like wasting money I didn't work for. I guess that's one of the reasons he trusted me that much, that I'm a normal girl that's different from the gold digging girls he knows. Gosh, those were the good days. Those were the days that made me believe that truly, true love exists.

After the whole swiping thing, and the getting used to being trusted in that manner, I changed. I changed into the girl I thought I'd never be. All I wanted to do was swipe and spend money I didn't own. I guess that just pushed him back a little. He nolonger trusted me with large amounts of his money. I'd have to fight with him for him to give me the money I want. Everything just became about money. All I wanted him to do was buy, spend money on me, it just got too much. So he also then changed into the guy I didn't think he'd be. He stopped trusting me over everything, even things that had nothing to do with money. For some bull'crap reason we both changed, or maybe he changed because of my changing.

Anyway, doesn't really matter now. I can't fix what went on between us whether I want to or not. I tried to change back though but it was too late. He got used to our relationship that's filled with fighting and I didn't know how to fix it. For some reason he made me mad and I think it was because I was suspecting that he's cheating since he accused me a lot. He'd say I'm say I'm seeing someone behind his back and I spend a lot of days or weeks trying to prove myself not guilty. Those days really messed me up, but after he's calmed down I'd see nothing wrong with it. You could say I was a stupid fool cause I really do feel like I was. I was so in love with him in such a way that his happiness matter to me more than mine.

I don't know. But like I said, doesn't really matter now.

Friday: 2 April

Im sitting on my bed with my phone in hand. Gosh I'm so bored, after coming back from work I took a long hot bath and called Travis to let him know that I wanna spend my night in my own room at home.

Most days when everything gets too much, when I'm overwhelmed by things I keep at the back of my mind I end up wanting to be alone, and I get so angry and frustrated that I can't control none of it. Travis doesn't understand all my moods, more reason I decide to be alone just to cool off.

Well, me telling him that I won't spend the night with him wasn't pleasing to him at all. So when I lie about it I make it easier for the both of us, I get to cool down my nasty dark mood and he doesn't have to go through the process of wondering what's wrong with me.

Good thing I lie to him in a good way, I tell him about an assignment I need to submit which is a little white lie though, I really do have to complete a few of my school assignments.

As I browse through my phone and I decide to check a few quotes from movie scenes. I'm a movie fan, I loves movies. From romance, fantasy, drama, advanture to animation. I love movies.

While browsing I remember watching a movie titled After. It's based a novel I once read in the Wattpad app written by Anna Todd. I fell in love with the movie when I watched it, I don't know why but I did. In the movie there's a scene I loved where one of the characters Hardin writes a letter to Tessa, saying...

"I've read hundreds of novels in my life, most of them claiming that love was the center of the universe. That it could heal any damage inside of us. That it was what we needed to survive. From Darcy to Heathcliff, I thought they were fools. That love was something fictional, only found in worn pages of the book-",

that's exactly what I think now, that love is fictional. I know believe that because of what I had to go through, or what I'm still going through. Love doesn't exist the way we want it to. People change and love fades fe what I see. I don't know how my parents kept it for these many years and I'm sure it isn't easy as it looks like from my view.

Who would have thought I'd think of love in this level in my life. I'm a romantic, I love being in love, but now I think it's bullshit and a waste of energy.

"That it was just made up to keep humans full of hope, that it was a lie. But all that changed since I've met my Elizabeth Bennett. I never thought I'd find myself completely and utterly consumed by another until her. She took my hand and led me out of the darkness and showed me that, whatever our souls are made of, hers and mine are the same. I'm sorry, please forgive me. You once asked who I love most in this world. It's you".

Its the best letter I've read, other than the one from the movie The Fault in Ours Stars, that one made me cry, literally.

I've always been a romantic, no matter how badly I try not to be. Every guy I've dated thinks a fool, love doesn't exist, bluh bluh bluh... I know that now, nobody has to tell me again.

I remember while doing an office work course in an Computer school, how I was easy to connect with guys and how easily I fell in love.

I wouldn't say it was the best moment of my life but damn I was getting good with boyfriends, real boyfriends. Plus I wasn't a virgin anymore, thanks to the guy I dated a year before who destroyed my virginity, took my womanhood in a ugly smoke house that looked worn out. Or maybe I'm just exaggerating and wasn't as bad as I want it to look.

So in Computer School I dated a guy named Jade. He had a car that he drives everyday to school. His step mum owned a salon in town close to our Computer School. I have no idea why he had interest in me but he was the best.

Every Monday to Friday we hang out. He'd take me to the mall just for ice cream or a packet of chips. We'd drive around town and check places out till the time I'm supposed to go home. We had the best moments for that particular moment. The thing that I didnt like about him was that he smokes. He smokes weed on his spare time and cigarettes every hour. He also used to drive really fast.

One rainy day we were arguing while he was driving, the street was slippery but he still drived full speed like it's a normal thing to do. Then suddenly the car slipped and twisted and God was with us cause there wasn't any cars around. I thought we were gonna die, I thought the car was gonna roll over and we'd blow up and die right on the spot. I was so mad when the car stopped, so angry and frustrated that when it stopped I wasted no time, I threw open the door and instantly got out, then started crying like a baby who misses her mommy.

I usually miss my dad more than my mum.

Jade had to beg me to get back in the car.

"I'm sorry, please get up and let's go", he asked as I sat on the paving of the street. From whatever was happening to the weather, it wasn't raining anymore.

"Don't you dare talk to me", I snobbed, still angry and frustrated, but mostly scared.

"I didn't mean all that", he gestured at the car hoping I get that he didnt mean to almost kill us with how he's driving.

"You always drive like that, like you're some sort of maniac", I snapped. "Why do you want me to always tell you the same thing?", I asked.

"What same thing are you talking -",

I cutted his words short by saying, "Stop driving fast, speed kills", I yell. I didn't mean for him to reply my question but it sucks that he really didn't have an answer.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have driven like that, it's a dick move on my side. It's raining -", he looked up and noticed rain has stopped, "it was raining and it's slippery and I could have killed us if a car came out of nowhere", he looked from both sides of the street and looked me in the eye again. "But I had it, I mean did you see what I did when the car twisted?", he asked looking serious and all, even though what he's asking is bullshit.

"Are you fucken serious?", I gasped. I'm super scared and he's trying to ask like what happened is nothing, he had it under control, bullshit right.

"I mean I did nothing", he smiled. "if I did something the car would have turned and we would have been seriously hurt",

"Or dead!", I yelled.

"Yes, or dead", he nodded. Then added, "I wasn't gonna let us die", I just looked at him with tears in my eyes. He started walking around the car to check if everything was alright. "Flip, it climbed the paving, how am I gonna get it off it?",

Just one look at the car and I started crying, "I want my dad, Im not getting in that car with you", tears rolled out of my eyes.

I really wanted my dad, he's good at rescueing me wherever I am. "No no, please, don't call your dad, I'm sorry, I'll take you home", he said looking worried and pleasing for me to get back into the car.

I had no option and I knew that. My dad could be far from where we are and it might not be possible for him to come get me. Plus, what would be my excuse.

"If you speed one bit!", I warned in a very loud manner. "I'm getting off your car and  calling my dad",

And from that day when he was with me he drives really slow. But the smoking part was really a turn off, Gosh that disgusted me. I tried stopping him to smoke, that only worked for a few weeks then one day I caught him smoking by the stand he buys cigarettes from. I couldn't stop him then, he's addicted to that shit and I knew trying to make him stop would have never worked. I made a few friends there, got into friendship then out of it, then started another friendship then got out of it. I'm not good with making friends, I don't seem to connect the way I should with anyone and if I do, I then later realize that it's not working out and I'd just leave.

It didn't end there though, I still worked my way into relationships and some seemed to work.

By the end of the year Jade and I broke up. It didnt work how I wanted it to work. I wasn't gonna be able to deal with the kind of guy that he is and in some sort of way he knew that. He wanted things between us to work though, he wanted us to be a life long couple and hoped that I'd one day have sex with him. Yeap, we've never had sex. I don't think I would have had sex with him. He was just not the guy I've imagined myself having sex with but gosh he had so much patience and he was understanding.