Chapter 39: How shitty can life get

Travis is gone for a week, and my sister Nala is about to give birth, what an exciting week.

Not that I have anything planned for my week, it's just I've always wanted a break from this relationship and Travis going away for a while means a bit of freedom for myself. I feel at ease. It's not that I don't want him around, or that I don't love him, it has nothing to do with our relationship or even my ex. It's all on me. I need time for myself, to cool myself down. I don't know why but these days my own space keeps a smile on my face.

Wednesday: 24 March

Dear dairy: When Travis told me he's leaving, I got super excited. All I thought about was that I was gonna be single for a week. It's a break I've silently asked for, it's all I wanted.

It's got me thinking, us being apart reveals a part I knew nothing about from his side. Or maybe I had an slight idea about that side and now it's more visible than ever. Okay, I've have time to think, I can think about me and what I want for myself. I'm starting to realise that I like me, I like being me. I know in life I've hope for better things than what I have now but I'm grateful most days. I still think about Duncan, but it's slowly fading back to the creeped hole where his thoughts belong. He's not fading into nothingness though but my feelings for him are running out. Or I think so. I do know that I'm not in love, not even with Travis, and I don't think I'll be in love anytime soon. Oh Maybe I'll fall in love with my sister's baby, I don't know.

I found out we all super excited about the baby though. It's mostly what we talk about. We've been planning the baby arrival for a while now but anyway, this isn't about the baby, it's about Travis.

Travis is a great guy. I like his personality, I like how he chooses his words before saying anything that'll mean a lot tomorrow. He's definitely not like me. I like how he loves me. I like how he treats other people, he's got a good heart without meaning to. He always wants to help, even strangers. With this week for myself, I'm starting to see all that. So I won't dump him or toy with his feelings because I like him. Yes it sounds fucked up when I put it that way but something for sure, I know I don't love him. Or maybe I feel like it isn't love.

Gosh I'm flooding with emotions right now.

I keep telling myself that I don't love Travis but when I'm alone he's all I think about. I want him, I don't want him, it's all in the same time.

Its only been day 3 with him away, but I miss him dearly. I want him back home. Even though I still feel like being alone.

Flashback to 2011, while in High School.

I've dated a guy I wasn't in love with. His name is Edward, sweetest guy I've known. We met through Stephen, the guy I broke up with cause he wanted to have sex and I didn't. Anyway, this all happened in back in school.

After being dumped by Stephen for not having sex with him even though he was well prepared, I did the walk of shame at school. I still felt like everyone knew my story even though Stephen didn't go to the same school as I did.

"Hey", as I walk to my class during break time, a guy stops me from behind.

"Hi", he's not my type, but I like that's hes talking to me out of the thousand guys I wish would be talking to me.

"How did it go?", he asks making me frown. Who is this guy? "I'm Ed, Monk's friend", he clarifies, I'm still confused on who he is. I've never even seen him around school.

"I don't know you", I reply and he chuckles, making my frown deepen.

"Oh sorry, I've seen you before. The day you met Monk, I mean Stephen, I was there",

"Oh, really?", I ask and he nods. I've never seen this guy before but how else does he know about the day I met Stephen, he must have been there cause Stephen was with a bunch of his friends in my home town. "Oh, so you know Stephen, I mean you're friends with him?",

"We've been friends for quite some time that's for sure", he answers.

He walks me to class, talking about how he's friends with Stephen.

After the last bell of the day I find him waiting outside my class. "I wanted to ask for your numbers before you go home", it's Friday, if I don't give it to him today he'd have to wait till Monday.

"Why do you want my numbers?", I ask.

"To call you", he blushes. I've never made a guy blush so this is weird. I give him my numbers.

Over the weekend we text, get to know one another. I find out he's shy, too shy for my liking. He's romantic, more than I thought anyone could be. He doesn't ask me out, so on Sunday night I decide to give him a way to end up asking me how. That's just who I am. When I want something, I want it, I don't care how I get it but I make sure to get it.

Monday morning comes more quicker than I thought. I wasn't excited about it but I was hoping to see how Edward would react.

When I get to school I head straight to class. I don't see Edward till breaktime. He actually comes to check me from class since I wasn't gonna go out. I had my lunchbox open in front of me.

"I had to come to your class, couldn't find you anywhere around school", he says.

"I'm sorry, I didn't feel like going out. Plus I thought you weren't serious about what you said last night", I reply.

"Why wouldn't I be serious?", he asks.

"I don't know", I shake my head.

"May I sit with you?", he asks staring at the chair besides me. I close my unfinished lunch and gesture for him to take the seat besides me. He seems like a good guy and I feel I should give him a chance and forget about all those that don't wish good for me.

After break he heads to his class.

From then Ed and I became close, closer than anything. He's become my best in a few seconds. We call one another every minute, we hangout at school every chance we get. Then one day I meet Violet. That's who broke us up with his charm and sexyness. Gosh he charmed his way into my life without even knowing it. I had to tell Ed whats going on and we ended up ending things, atleast I had to end things between us cause I wasn't about to toy with his feelings. And on top of all things it was a dick move but I don't regret it. I ws naive, stupid, and it was a total dick move.

Reality

What more bullshit can I take in one day? I fee like I've been fucked up with more than I can take. How much more should I take in for everyone to see that it's enough?

I need only one day, I'm gonna take one bull, and the rest I'll handle tomorrow.

I'm seated next to a really big guy in a bus headed home and all I want is to be home already before this big guy squeezes the life out of me. This is the kind of bullshit I'm talking about. On top of all things I'm in a shitgy mood, work was shit and now I have to take in more shit. I can not. I can't take it anymore.

Im exhausted, and it's not that I was working real hard it's just that my tiny body is tired. I even feel like I've been ran over by a truck, work has been shit like it always is, I'M EXHAUSTED.

Just after I left work, headed to the terminal, my usual routine, Nolan had to follow me. He wanted to walk me to my bus section but damnit he was dragging his feet. Sam was along side with him maybe that's the reason Nolan was dragging his feet. Sam is the tall guy we work with, sweetest guy if you ask me. I know Sam because we work together, not that we close to I wouldn't consider him as a friend, or should I? But, Nolan isnt my friend either.

Just when we get close to the terminal Sam walks ahead of us to buy his one day bus ticket.

"You good?", I turn my head to Nolan as he asks his question. I hate that question, but I guess I'll have to answer it to be nice. Looking at Nolan, I can tell he sees that I'm not in any mood to talk but he insists to get me talking.

"I'm good", I nod.

"You don't look good. You don't even look like you wanna talk at all", Nolan says and I just nod. He chuckles, maybe cause he didn't think I was gonna agree.

"I can make you feel better", he says and I'm tempted to roll my eyes.

"You can't", I don't want him to make me feel better. I don't want anything from anyone right now. But I'd definitely feel better once I see Travis.

"Could you accompany me to buy a one day trip ticket?", he asks. All I'm thinking is why he didn't go with Sam. But since he's asking nicely with a begging smile, I don't have to cruel.

"You do realize that I'm not in any mood right?", I ask with a duh face.

"I can see that", he nods. "But I know a few talks with you, my words would definitely smooth things out",

Which words of his would smooth what out? As shitty as I feel right now, I'll let this one slide.

I decide to walk him to buy his one day ticket and I actually wait as he queue till he finally buys the ticket. "Okay I'm ready to go", he says after buy his ticket, then walks me to the bus platform to wait for my bus.

"Hey love", Willow, a girl we work with. She also started same time as Nolan and Wendy. When Willow started a lot of guys were interested in dating her, even Sam. I guess every new girl is haunted by the old guys. Sam isn't old in age but I mean old when it comes to when he started working. Lenny, my friend, after being interested in me i felt it was wise to push him over to Willow. They met on their own and it was a way to make Lenny feel good about me friend zoning him.

"Hey girl", I smile at Willow then wink at Lenny. I'm glad I got them together, now all they do is stick to one another side every chance they get.

Before Lenny sticked himself to Willow's side, I used to hangout a lot with Lenny. We used to be real close.

"Man", Nolan shakes his head as I greet Willow back.

"What?", I ask slowly turning to him.

"That guy fucked my guy up", he gestures to Lenny.

"Lenny?", I frown. He must be kidding, Lenny didn't fuck anybody up.

"I don't know his name", he replies.

"Who did he fuck up?", I ask, I need him to clarify that.

"Sam was interested in Willow, I think he still is. Then this guy came out of nowhere and took over", he says making me laugh.

"What?", I laugh harder. He stares at me in confusion. "No no no", I shake my head as I relax from all the laughing. "He didn't fuck Sam up, I was the one who make things happy for them", I smile a smile of success.

"Oh wow", he chuckles. "Why would you do that? Is the guy your friend?",

"Yes he is, duh", I shake my head.

"But you should have helped Sam", he returns the duh face at me and I laugh.

"No, Sam is your friend not mine",

"Alright", he nods. "Means I'll have to become really close to Willow",

"Why? You're interested in her now?",

"No, not at all. Since Wendy won't help me, maybe she will",

"Help you with what?", I'm confused, I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

"To get you", he smiles. "You help your friend with Willow isn't it? If I become friends with Willow she'll help me with you", his smile grows bigger.

"You're disgusting", I say making him laugh. "That won't happen, I'm in a relationship and why the hell would I listen to Willow", I roll my eyes.

I'm not gonna date Nolan, not even when someone convinces me too. Nope. It won't happen.

I chill with Noln till he decides to head home. I'm waiting for Travis so, I guess Nolan would have to leave me hear.