Chapter 5

It's been a month since I came here to New York. Many have changed since the days passed, soft and dark blackness of my hair has completely disappeared due to chemo. My fat cheeks are gone. My lively face was covered with moaning pain. I have also lost a lot of weight since I came here.

Ever since my aunt and I talked about how I feel about Shane. I haven't talked to Shane yet, they are just Aunt Elise and Uncle Cesar. Every time I call them auntie to say hello to Shane their only answer is "She's fine" I understand Shane is mad at me I can't blame her. I also did not tell her my real purpose why I am here. I only told them on vacation but as time went on I informed them as well. Every time I message Shane or call it's always out of coverage, She is busy and usually does not answer my calls.

The results of the last two months have not been good. They became more careful and protective aunt especially as we found out. I was in the final stage of cancer and my doctor also told me that my ability to last was limited, especially now that the disease has continued to eat my body. Hard to accept but necessary. I try to be ok but every time I writhe in pain I do nothing. My aunt and uncle and I decided that when I was ok and I could be released, we would go home to the Philippines to stay. I am thankful and uncle James understood that he was the one who actually offered us to go home to the Philippines. When I found out that we were going home to the Philippines, I became enthusiastic and ate the vegetables that were being prepared for me. At least they are aunts. We didn't tell Aunt Elise at first to surprise them. Especially Shane but I don't know if everything will be ok. Aunt Anna and I talked about what I would do if we went home. She also asked me if I would talk to Shane to admit everything to her.

It will be seven o'clock in the evening when I finish what I have to do to clean my body. I also took my medications. I decided to stop chemo because I was feeling even weaker. At first they did not want to but later they did nothing and agreed. I decided to open my social media account. I always look at Shane's stories and I only see her photos. I think that Jc and Shane have been gone since I left the Philippines and I have no news of the two of them.

My aunt told me that Shane had a rest house built in Batangas. Shane was just a child when she drowned in the sea since then we no longer forced Shane to bathe in the sea or anything related to water. She was so upset that I could not blame her for not being able to walk. Many things have changed since I left the Philippines. Apart from building a rest house, Shane also has a business. Shane allegedly built a coffee shop where there are as many books as we like. Shane's birthday is coming up but I can't think of a gift. In the last of week this month her birthday. It's a pity I can't go.

I remember on her 18th birthday she really didn't want to go to the party. She is not friendly, she only talks to me? When she was 18 we ran away just to go to BGC what Shane thought and enter the bar. At first I didn't like it but because Shane insisted I did nothing but accompany her inside. We each ordered a girl drink and at the same time we ate the contents. We are both a bit dizzy because of the novice and for the first time we even include the dead light. Shane invited me to dance but because I was a little dizzy and there was something right because of what I drank, I also agreed. Happy music happy everyone thinks you have no problem. Everyone is dancing and someone is kissing on the side.

While Shane and I were dancing, everything suddenly slowed down, only Shane focused on my attention, even though the music slowed down at the same time as my chest throbbed faster.

I do not understand but I have no other thought that I want her, that she is the woman I want to be with in my life but all my fantasies stopped when someone approached Shane when he first met but as time went on I could see the anger Shane's face at first I thought they just didn't understand but as time went on the man's hand traveled to Shane's body. I do not understand that there is something inside me that makes me angry so the man was punched. Even though Shane was surprised by what I did before I caught everyone, I pulled Shane and before I could get out of the place, everyone was in a commotion.

Tired and out of breath Shane and I ran to just to get out of the place when we stopped there was an insatiable laugh. What we did but as time went on I did not feel good anymore my breathing became deeper and I gradually found it difficult to breathe, and when I woke up I was in a familiar place where I smelled the hospital and the white room I was staying in. I found out that I lost consciousness after everything happened.

But Shane and I did not regret it because it was one of the most memorable things that happened to the two of us and it was also the reason why I first fell in love and learned to love my fellow woman.

I have never regretted the incident that even though it almost caused my death.

I woke up early not because I was excited to go home to the Philippines but because I was able to get out of the hospital after a few months of my stay.

I fell asleep last night because my body was so tired from the drugs I was being injected with and when I woke up this morning Nurse Trisha told me that I could go out so I could. I ate breakfast vigorously and took my medications. I also took care of myself. As I was cleaning my body I noticed that my hair had grown a bit since I stopped chemo. I also gained a little weight, he told me that my body was recovering well and that it continued, it said that I could recover and continue to be cancer free.

--------- We were leaving the hospital parking lot, my aunt took care of my needs before we left and the doctor left me. There were also a lot of changes outside, I missed the noise of cars, the smoke and all the breeze here in the city. I was excited to go home. What will happen when I get home? Lots of questions but only when I get home can I answer my questions. While we were traveling quietly, my aunt and uncle talked about things until the conversation turned to me.

"Look honey someone seems so excited" so I was suddenly taken aback by my aunt it was really my uncle all of a sudden I was the one talking.

"It's ok iha tommorow is our flight. You can rest, I have already taken care of your belongings "my aunt happily told me.

"Thank you" is my only response to them but uncle is still not ok and what else is being said until

"If I know khaya kha daw excited umowwi is because of someone special to you Alex" ( so the reason why you so seem so excited because of someone special).

"just a little bit Uncle" was my only response to him and then I lost the conversation and turned to something.

Tito(uncle) was also talkative at first I thought I could not get along with him but when I was with him it was ok. It's really fun and he can speak Tagalog during the time they were together, Aunt Anna teaches my uncle to speak Tagalog. When they are at home they should only speak Tagalog and when they are outside they can speak English. No wonder why Tito learned so easily.

Apart from being careful, my aunt is also good at teaching, I remember that I also had a hard time with English, but because of her, I somehow learned. Their aunt's house was a bit far from the hospital so it also took us more than 30 minutes. While they were talking, aunt, I just looked out the window. Did Shane know I was coming home? Is she still mad at me? I also suddenly laughed that they surprised my aunt but they also ignored my aunt. I hope I will also ask if you are still angry with me probably. When I finish leaving without saying anything, I will ask if she is angry.

I realized a lot while I was in the hospital, that I wish I was just normal so that I could freely do things like volleyball with Shane because we are the most bonded but it looks really vague. I also want to experience what the dog is chasing, they say it's fun and it's a bit weird but I want it to happen in case unfortunately I'm not allowed to get too tired so I can't do it. I also want to swim in the sea with Shane in case it looks vague because of her phobia. I also want to experience participating in a fun run in case I am not allowed to get tired.

The amount I want to do but I can't because of my illness. Other normal people pray that they also get sick like this or any other illness or not so they just want to commit suicide because of problems at home or work, stress at school, problems with men or others. They did not even think that what they wanted we did not want to happen. Many people want to live a normal and peaceful life but there are people who want to kill and end their lives.

If I could just exchange it, maybe I did it so that I could be with my aunt for a long time and most of all, Shane, but nothing like that in the show and books only happens and it never happens. I just really need to accept the truth but can I? Will I be able to lose the feeling of aunt and Shane. Will I be able to see them suffer? I want to be normal again but I know in myself that there is no chance, I am still not sure. I did not realize that we were here in front of their aunt's house.

They also let me in right away aunt and they took care of our belongings but when I entered I myself was surprised by what I saw. I do not understand what fun mixed with excitement and excited to see, touch and hug tightly. I did not leave my seat immediately, they are also wondering aunty why I was statued in my position even though they were shocked but they also recovered immediately aunty when they saw aunty Elise.

I did nothing and only looked and stared at those who greeted Aunt Elise and Aunt Anna who had not seen and talked to Uncle Cesar and Uncle James for years. While Shane was just staring at me. I miss her puffy eyes, Shane's gentle face I miss her so much but there is something about me that does not want to approach me maybe she is angry. Everyone was surprised that I did not even leave my position and Aunt Elisa and Uncle Cesar greeted me first, only their warm hug greeted me and then they all looked at Shane who was just looking at us. You know anger, sadness and joy but anger dominates her. I can't blame her if she is still angry with me without talking to all of us, Shane has decided to speak. I thought they would greet me or hug me but only the words.

"I'll go up to the room first excuse me" we only heard no one speak until Shane went up to the room it looks like no one intends to speak so before everything is I said goodbye to go upstairs to rest.

They immediately nodded and went back to the gossip. Too awkward so they themselves made a way to disappear. I know she still hates me but I miss my best friend the first and last woman I will love.