Burn

EP31

I feel strangely silly. 

When I think I'm really going to die and disappear, I have nothing to fear in the world. 

Every moment becomes precious, grateful, and poignant. 

I don't know if it's the anticipation of the afterlife or reincarnation or what, but this moment, 

this breeze is so cool and pleasant. 

We live our lives on a time limit, and it's so refreshing to take that count into our own hands and press the timer. 

I'd rather see Dahae's face one more time than sob and cry. 

If I keep looking at it, I might want to flick the switch and run away to Switzerland or something, but for now, I am. 

The beautiful thing about flicking a switch is that it has a fixed end. 

Pork belly on a summer night with soju is so fragrant and sweet. 

It's hard to resist. 

My head is a little dizzy. 

The sex with Dahae was quite satisfying. 

It was very tingly, unlike what I expected. 

In a way, it can be said to be my first sex. 

First sex with someone you love. 

It's an ecstatic feeling that you can't even dream of. 

It used to be that when I climaxed and ejaculated, I was either exhausted or lonely, but not anymore. 

Someone told me that sex with someone you love gives you a pretty good dopamine rush. 

I feel strangely teary-eyed. 

Why did I know this good thing now? 

Why did I only realise it now, when it's a normal, indefinable feeling that people feel throughout their lives? 

The world is so indifferent and miserable. I'm not kidding.

"Dahae, do you have any allergies?"

"No, not really."

"I'm here. Can I ask you a favour?"

"What is it?"

"I have a puppy. Do you think you could take care of it?"

"You used to have a puppy?"

"He's about five years old, and I need a favour."

"For how long?"

"For a long time. I want someone who is like my own child to take care of him."

"Okay. But where is your brother going?"

"Not really. I've got a bit of a family emergency, and I don't think I'd be able to raise her."

"Can I ask what's going on?"

"I'm just travelling for a while. Away."

"Where?"

"Egypt."

Then she smiles broadly.

"Okay, when do you want me to go?"

"In about a month."

"How long is the trip?"

"Two weeks?"

Jung Dahae's neckline is so long and thin, so thin and empty. A phrase sticks in my head. 

'A beautiful rose is full of thorns. 

The way a person sees a person is there. 

Contradiction upon contradiction. 

We instinctively assume that a good-looking person will be clean in relationships and other matters, but good looks paradoxically lead to dirty relationships. 

The more often a person is exposed to such an environment, the more likely they are to fall apart. 

It's interesting. 

When I see Dahae, I'm surprised that such a beautiful woman has a story, and I realise that people who look beautiful to me are the same to others. 

If people are disgusted by something, if they feel threatened by something, it doesn't really matter what gender or generation it is. 

Two things I wish I had realised earlier. 

1. safe underdog (humans who have no room to fight back are bullied everywhere) 

2. what I like is what others like, and judging everything from a secular perspective makes things pretty simple and mundane. 

If we reduce our attachment and desire for things like material and sexuality, life becomes quite beautiful. 

Even the lives that we consider miserable are not the lowest of the low. 

ep31.5

"You're Up Already, Brother? Get Some More Sleep"

Yesterday's hangover was pretty strong.

'I hope she didn't say anything crazy'

I was worried, but at least I didn't tell her about the suicide bombing or that I killed someone. 

She looked all right with the world in my arms.

"Dahae, do you remember yesterday?"

"Yeah."

"You'll take care of the puppy, right?"

"Yes, but I have one promise."

"What is it?"

"Can't you break up with me? Then I won't keep my promise."

"Of course not. I promise."

"Okay, do you want some breakfast?"

I eat breakfast, thanks to her skillfully making an egg omelette and stewed tofu. 

It tastes many times better than the discarded lunchboxes I used to get when I worked overnight at my part-time job. 

This is why people screamed love so loudly. 

This is why people used to sing about love. 

Why does time go by so fast, and why do ordinary furniture and meals feel so beautiful and delicious? 

And yet, time flies. 

tik tok. 

After eating, I walked back to my house and met the noisy couple. 

"How are you?"

I greet them.

The man asks me, what's his name? 

"Hi. I was wondering, do you ring the bell at your house, too? Who?"

"The bell?"

"Yes, there's always someone who rings my bell, kicks it, and then runs away."

"Really?"

"Yeah, but it always happens whenever my girlfriend comes over. I'm afraid he's following her."

I ask nervously.

"I guess there's no CCTV here?"

"Yeah, that's what the police said."

"I see, so it's bad enough that you've filed a police report."

"By the way, have you ever held a grudge?"

"A grudge?"

"Yes. I mean, if he's so evil and terrorising, he must have a reason."

"Is there?"

"Well, if you'd turn down the noise in your house a bit, maybe the mischief would stop."

"What?"

"Don't always look outside yourself for the cause of your problems."

"And don't assume that the unlucky things that happen to you are just a coincidence."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Bye."

Suddenly, the woman blocks his path and shoots him a look.

"Excuse me, are you saying that it was you who rang the bell and kept threatening me?"

"Look at the context of what I'm saying."

"Speaking of looking sinister, what really happened?"

I have thoughts from my part-time job dealing with people. 

Most of us, as adults, immediately turn to the law and the police in times of disturbance and conflict. 

but most of them do it not because they consider themselves civilised, but because they will be eaten up if they stay. 

I learnt to rely on the police and the law like a child calls his parents. 

Not that it's a bad thing, of course. 

I looked at the woman building like a little Chihuahua and said.

"Do you really think I would have just knocked on the door?"

"Do you think I could have recorded them screaming while they were having sex?"

"Do you think I didn't film them taking advantage of the lack of CCTV on the front porch to fulfil their various fetishes?"

"Why is it that everything you do is legal and the exception to the rule, but you don't think about the consequences if someone protests?"

"Why are your privileges always justified and your inconveniences unjustified?"

"Why is it that luck always favours you?"

"Listen woman, it's only been in the last few years in history that a physically inferior human being like you has been able to carry a dog in a red shorts, and I've been warning you all along."

"If I hear you one more time, I'm not ringing the bell and kicking in the door, I'm slitting your throat."

"Or you can move out."

Neither he nor she says anything.

 I walk on in silence. 

Down one flight of stairs and back into the darkness of the house. 

It's really coming to an end. 

The end of everything.

"Myung-heon, big brother. Can I ask you to do something for me?"

"What is it?"

"Can you give me the phone numbers of your services?"

"Services?"

"Yes, the ones with strong criminal records."

"Suddenly?"

"I'll use them in my planning.

"Okay. I'll call you."

Then Cheol Woo-hyung texts me.

"I'm going to have to meat the kids today, can you come?"

I catch up on my thoughts while I'm grilling meat. Woojin's strength has improved and I can see that he's gaining muscle. I'm proud of him, but also sad. 

'He'll forget me someday'

I hope they'll remember me as the apostle of justice who helped them get revenge rather than a vicious terrorist.

Like the faded walls of a dojo, it flows and changes.