Dark Souls Bullshitteries

The Crow

Ever wondered how the giant crow at the start of the game knew what time to come and take the Chosen Undead to Firelink Shrine?

It all started that day...

"Ah, how the gods have fallen..." Sighed a woman, sitting above the platform where the first Bell of Awakening was.

Despite the strong wind, the woman casually stood on her tip toes, arms spread wide, as if embracing the air. Her black robe fluttered, revealing the outline of her body. Quite slender, as if a body made for sin.

The woman leaned back, her hood slipping back a little to reveal a smile on her red lips. Then she fell.

Her body fell through the air, the woman spending no effort in trying to save herself, if she even has a way in the first place. A chuckle escaped from her lips, each sound from her enough to elicit excitement from any man.

Then, she exploded. Not into flesh and blood, but into a murder of black, red-eyed crows.

The murder scattered, each crow flying in different directions. Eventually, not one crow is left on the scene, but an echo of a woman's laughter can still be heard.

Firelink Shrine...

A giant crow nestled on its nest, a couple of eggs under it. It rests under the shade of a massive tree, a few rays of sunlight breaking through.

Its eyes were closed, until they shot open. The black iris turning to a blood red as light gleamed from it. Then it heard a voice inside its head.

"My child." The seductive voice of a woman resounded in its head.

The crow stayed unmoving, eyes still in blood red.

"Fly north, into the asylum of the undead. There you shall see an undead before a cliff. Bring it to me." The voice continued.

The crow twitched.

"Go on, my child. Punishment waits for no one."

The crow spread its wings and soared to the skies. Its giant wings cut through the air as it ascends with haste.

As the crow flew further and further, a woman stood before its nest. Clad in a black robe, a seductive chuckle was heard. The woman raised her head, her hood slipping back, revealing her appearance.

Long black hair flowed down her back like a waterfall. Her crimson eyes glowed red as it met the sunlight. Her red lips twisted to a smirk.

"Let's see what you will do, Gwyndolin." Her gaze met the sun. As realistic as it was, she knew it's but an illusion.

"You've amassed enough sin." Her smirk grew to a full-blown smile.

"It's time for Velka's punishment."

- - - -

Solaire's Chest Problems

"Hello, Solaire." I greeted Solaire after my hour session of learning how to fly.

"H-hello, Ar-Arthur." Solaire greeted back, but with a grimace.

Hm? What's wrong?

"Are you alright?" I asked, walking closer. She's turned away from me, facing the wall instead for some reason. She didn't even turn when she greeted me.

"I'm fine. T-this is nothing of concern." She turned her head around and flashed me a shaky smile.

What's wrong with her?

I arrived behind her, poking her back.

"Hng~!"

Eh?

I poked again.

"Ah~!"

What the fuck?

"Arthur! S-stop touching my back." Solaire yelled, embarrassed.

I mean, I liked it though. Shy Solaire is always a plus.

"Why are you facing the wall though?"

"Mou~~~!" Solaire pouted. "If I show you, can you not tell anyone?"

Show me what? Your breasts?

"Sure."

And she turned arou- JESUS CHRIST

"Solaire why the fuck are your breasts out!" I turned around, much to my hormones' despair. I mean, her breasts are just literally out through her collar. The shirt she's wearing instead of her armor is torn.

"Don't scream!" She rushed behind me and covered my mouth. But since I'm a bit taller than her, she had to lean against me. And since her breasts are out... you get the idea.

Feeling the mounds on my back, my thoughts started betraying me yet once again. Something starts to rise, but it's definitely not my crippling sense of existential dread.

"J-just please s-stay quiet." I heard Solaire whisper. Unfortunately, since she's leaning against me, her mouth is literally on my ears. And you know how it feels like when someone whispers in your ear and you feel the hot breath.

"Arthur, why did you suddenly stiffen?" Solaire innocently asked.

God, such a cliche ain't it? Girl with big breasts not knowing anything about sexual reactions.

"I'm aroused." No need to beat around the bush, just say it out loud.

"E-eh!?" Solaire stepped back, thankfully removing her milkers from my back.

But why does something inside me scream in regret?

"Alright, I won't turn around. But please explain why you are dressed like that?" I sighed.

"Etto~" Where the fuck did she learn that from? "My breasts are too big to fit into my armor so I covered them with bandages."

That's... mmm. I'm not even gonna say anything.

"Continue."

"But my breasts are squeezed for too long it started to hurt, so I removed the bandage to ease the pain for a while. And when I removed the knot on the bandage, it spilled and ruined the shirt."

What???

This does not make sense at all.

"I'm trying to put back the bandage but I can't reach my back."

Oh.

OH.

I know where this is going.

"So... can you help me?"

Oh fuck me sideways.

- - - -

"Like this?" I asked, holding the bandage that surrounded Solaire's breasts. My eyes are closed, so I had Solaire tell me what to do.

"A little bit higher." Solaire whispered.

I moved my hands up a bit. Holding the bandage alone is hard, the flesh is pushing out too much. Ignoring my painful raging eggplant, I followed her commands.

"Yes, now just tie it." Solaire instructed. "Make sure to make it tight, too loose and they might spill again."

That is not a sentence I expect to hear.

"Understood." So, I tried to tie it up. Except I can't. This shit is actually hard.

I tried again and again, but it just won't stay in place. Solaire seemed to be getting affected by it too, with how she's moaning every now and then.

God I hope no one walks in on us.

"A-Arthur, maybe you should open your eyes." Solaire said in a small voice.

Well... eh, she's the one that said it.

"Sure, I'll open the-"

Why must you do this to me Solaire? She's just standing there, blushing. Her arms are raised above her head, and her armpits are out for me to view. They're sweating. So fragra- NO

FUCK NO

With my eyes opened, I rushed to tie up the bandage. Once done, I went back to the bonfire and pretend nothing happened.

This is bad for my health.

- - - -

Oscar and Crestfallen

"My friend, don't you want to join us? A little bit of adventuring is good to not go hollow." Oscar spoke to his new friend, Crestfallen.

While Arthur and Solaire are nowhere to be found, and Aristia is learning how to juggle firebombs, and Lautrec is somewhere down in New Londo Ruins instead of the shrine because Arthur scared him so bad, Oscar is socializing.

"I said it once and I'll say it a thousand times, I refuse." Crestfallen, with a tick mark, venomously replied.

In spite of the unmasked malice, Oscar, being the dense positive ball he is, kept insisting.

"Listen, Crestfallen. Life is more than just awaiting your demise. If you're going to live negatively, you might as well die right now! Life is not about not dying, it's about what you experienced." Oscar ranted.

Oscar struck a pose.

"Do you know how much hollows wishes to be in your state right now? They want to go back to when they still have control of their bodies. Times when they haven't succumbed to the curse! You are insulting them by living like this!" Oscar continued with comical gestures.

"It none of my business how they feel. They succumbed to the curse, and I will soon too. It is worthless to try and convince me." Crestfallen glared.

Hearing his words, Oscar clicked his tongue and clenched his fist.

"Are you really accepting this? Being idle until you turned hollow, losing your mind! You are insulting your father by being like this! They raised you to be a warrior. You are a warrior to fight, not to sit like ducks and await insanity!" Oscar unsheathed his sword, much to Crestfallen's surprise. When he's about to draw his own sword, he saw Oscar point the sword to the sky.

"Living is not just not dying, it's about experiencing what the world has to offer. While we are currently in the middle of such trying times, yet look at the silver lining beneath the fog. We can go on an adventure and experience nature in its purest form, away from the clutch of humans." Oscar passionately recited.

"There are many places to visit, people to meet, and adventures to experience! Follow me, Crestfallen, and we shall embark on a journey that will change how you view this rotten world." Oscar extended his hand towards the deadpan knight.

"Leave me alone."

"I shan't! I will not forgive myself if I leave you here to go hollow. If you're planning on going hollo anyways, why not just create memories with us? It'll be a farewell, if you must. Sitting here waiting for your end is just wrong." Oscar reasoned.

"Tsk, why do you keep insisting I come with you?" Crestfallen glared.

As Oscar stared at Crestfallen, a figure seemed to merge with his person. Someone he knew from young, a friend, a comrade, a brother. As Oscar started to drift with his thoughts, he snapped out of it. Then, gaining his positive attitude, he started yet again.

"I watched someone suffer the same fate as you. He turned hollow, losing reason. I can't bear to see you follow his footsteps. We might not be close, but even if we are total strangers, I won't forgive myself if I let another person go hollo when I can do something about it." Oscar removed his helmet, revealing the face of a youthful man, with a warm smile.

Hearing him, Crestfallen clicked his tongue. He punched the wall besides him and stood up, head lowered. Oscar stepped back, slightly worried at what the warrior would do.

"Second bell." Crestfallen gritted.

Huh? Oscar scrunched his brows.

"I will follow you only until you ring the second bell. Then I'm coming back and you will let me be." Crestfallen raised his head and glared at Oscar.

This time, he saw a visage of someone he once cared for. A friend, a comrade, his brother. And that face turned hollow, and Crestfallen seemed to see himself turning into one.

And so, the two formed a friendship. Determined to forgive themselves of their past regrets.

"I raised that boy." At a distance, Arthur wiped a tear with a proud smile. Solaire who stood beside him just smiled.

- - - -

Memories of Earth

"Hey Arthur." Aristia called the guy who's trying to blend with the grass. Said grass-blending guy raised his head and stared at the Chosen Undead.

"What's your life back on Earth?" Aristia asked, ignoring the guy's weird position.

"My life huh?" Arthur sat up, sitting cross-legged on the grass.

Trying to remember, Arthur went dazed for a second. After a second, he replied.

"I'm a web developer. Sleep-deprived and maidenless for years. You?" Arthur asked back.

Aristia similarly went into deep thought, then a few seconds later, she answered.

"I'm still in university, getting a degree in medicine." Aristia answered.

"Wow, I thought you're gonna have that orphan and lonely cliche background. You really broke the trope huh?" Arthur nodded.

"Fuck you."

- - - -

Arthur got sent to Skyrim instead

"Hey you, you're finally awake!" As Arthur began to gain consciousness, he heard the classic meme opening line of a certain game.

Immediately, his eyes shot open and he started looking around. A cart, bound prisoners dressed in blue medieval armor, and snow.

'Oh fuck.'

Realizing his current situation, Arthur began to panic internally. Meanwhile, he maintained a calm and level appearance outside. A blank expression decorated his face, inspiring everyone to not talk to him.

'I'm im Skyrim. Holy fuck.'

He turned his head around and examined the cart he is in. He saw Ralof, Ulfric, Lokir, a woman, a guy, and wait what the fuck?

Backtracking is gaze, his eyes settled on two new people that he can swear to god he knows isn't in the game. One is a fairly young lady, and the other is a teenage dude.

Currently, Ralof is conversing with the new dude, asking for his name. The kid answered with "Alan" and the lady referred to herself as "Aria", which Arthur had to stop himself from chuckling from how cliche that name is in Skyrim fictions.

"What about you?" The focus somehow found its way to him. Arthur thought for a second. Real name? Or my gamer tag? A second later, he smiled and introduced who he will now be in this world.

"Dean."