Suffering: I can't do without HIM

I was on my way back home when I received a message. I picked up my phone urgently with a thought that it might be from Shaun.

"Where are you? I'm in front of your house."

It was from Ed. I had almost forgotten that I borrowed Ed's car to come here.

"Wait outside, I'll be there soon." I messaged him back to keep him away from going in the house or meeting Dad. "I'm already in." As soon as I saw his text I sped up. As I arrived at my place, immediately got out of the car and dashed to the house. I got in and found Ed in the drawing-room. I asked the house staff if Dad was at home. They informed me that he hasn't come back just yet and I took a sigh of relief.

"Why did you let him in?" I ranted at the staff.

"He said he's a close friend of yours and was here to take his car back so we took him in. I apologize. It won't happen again." One of them nervously told me.

"It's alright, just be careful next time," I warned them and went to Ed.

"Claire, where have you been?" he said abruptly, seeing me walk in.

"Ed, I told you to wait outside for me."

"I'm sorry, I came in before I saw your message."

"I see, your car is outside, you can take it now. Thanks for lending it to me." I handed him the car keys.

"Where did you go in such a hurry after taking my car?" he asked.

"Somewhere despairing." I sighed.

"What? Where is that?" he raised his eyebrows.

"Nothing. Anyways you should go now. I'll see you at school."

"Claire, do you think I came here for the car. I came here to see you, don't be so cold to me." he pulled me by my hand to himself as I was about to walk away. "Since I'm already here shouldn't you introduce me to your dad. I would like to meet him."

"Dad... He's out of the town at the moment so you can't meet him today." I made up the excuse and let my hand get away from his grip.

"Oh, I see. Then, I'll stay to accompany you over dinner. I'll leave after we eat. Okay?" he urged.

"Dinner? Here?" It was an unexpected request. "What if Dad comes back during the dinner and Ed ends up seeing him here. No, no, I can't let this happen. I need to take him out of this house before I meet another adversity." I took a pause to think it through

"How about we go out for dinner?" I lured him.

"We can do that, but..." I grabbed his arm before he could say anything else.

"I really want to go, can't we? Please." I rapidly blinked my eyes and made the most adorable face.

"Claire, I didn't know you can act cute as well. This is new." he looked at me in surprise.

"Are you still going to reject my request?" I frowned.

"Of course not. How can anyone do that? Let's go. I'll take you anywhere you say." he stood up.

"For now, let's go to the restaurant." I gave him a bright smile.

We went to the restaurant. I had no appetite and was eating the meal as if I thought it was poisoned. I took long pauses, blankly staring at the food. Ed, seeing me getting lost in my thoughts filled my every pause with jokes and chatter bringing me back to him. I thought I have forgotten my suffering because of him. But the ache of longing to be with Shaun echoed through me on every laugh. For a moment or two I even visualized him sitting in front of me instead of Ed.

I never knew I could miss someone so much that even my imagination of him would bring a smile on my face and an ache to my heart. With each moment of my suffering, I was falling harder for him.

As we were done with the dinner, Ed took me back home. The car stopped in front of the house and we both stayed still for a while.

"Thank you for today." I turned to him.

"I'm the one thankful, Claire, I feel fortunate for each and every moment I spend with you. Even now, looking at you sitting beside you, I want this moment to last forever."

His eyes were gazing into mine and I stared back. He looked at my lips and moved his head closer to me. I sat frozen; my body went rigid with surprise. I was not ready at all for this. My hands got sweaty and shaky. He's leaning forward and my instinct was to get out of the car and run away but I found myself swayed by the emotions. He leaned in, so his forehead rests against mine. Both our breaths are shaking. I closed my eyes and pictured Shaun there with me. I suddenly opened my eyes and realized what was I doing. As our lips were about to touch, I turned away my face.

"Ed, I think I should go now." I got out of the car and went straight to my house without looking back. I could imagine how flustering it would have been for Ed. I waited behind the front door for him to leave and went out again after I heard his car leaving.

I stood for a moment there drenched in cold sadness, thinking of Shaun. It was so hard for me to go anywhere, or do anything and not see him there. In my sentiments I found my feet taking me somewhere. One moment I was at my house and the other I was standing in the dark woods, no memory of how I got there.

Upon arriving there, I looked around searching for Shaun. I screamed calling his name. Suddenly I felt someone walking behind, I turned around and caught a glimpse of an animal figure. "It should be Shaun." The thought ran through me and I followed the animal's shadow moving around the woods. When it vanished for an instant, I rushed here and there into the woods looking for him. I was on the verge of losing my hope when I heard a wolf howl. My eyes lit up and I started walking towards it. I found a wolf standing between the trees but it wasn't Shaun, he was different. His fur wasn't grey rather brown. The fierce blue eyes that were leering me, assured me that it was definitely not Shaun. It took a few steps towards me. Every muscle in my body screamed at me to flee, but I remained frozen.

The wolf ahead of me gave a low growl at his heels then leaped over the bushes and ran away.

"Claire!"

The very instant, I heard Shaun's voice. I turned around and saw him standing behind me.

"Shaun!" I mumbled as a tear rolled down my cheeks. I ran towards him snd wrapped my arms around his neck. Standing on my toes, I pulled him to myself, hugging him tightly as if I would never let him go. In that moment of feeling him so close, I was awake somehow, more alive than I have been in so very long. He gently put his arms around me.

"Why did you do it?" I hiccuped, tears rolling down with the same quietness.

He pulled back himself, wiping his own tears. "I'm sorry." He looked into my eyes and it sent a chill down my spine.

I felt an urge to do something, to comfort him, but also myself. In a moment I pressed my lips against his, felt his body loosen and arms touch my shoulders. I chuckled beneath the salty tears, "I can't do without you." Then we hovered right there, quite soundless for so long, simply feeling each other's presence.