10. Chapter 10

Title: Of Finding Innocence

Disclaimer: Don't ruin my story with your logic.

Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.

Author's Note: A less eventful chapter in the grand scheme, but things are set up and, well, who doesn't love some Kalexis?

Thank you all for your overwhelming support, recommendations, reviews, alerts, favorites and messages. I know I say it a lot, but you guys are extraordinary.

Emma

Chapter 10:

"I am not a fan of paperwork," Esposito announced late one afternoon in the beginning of May.

"No one is a fan of paperwork," Kate replied, running a frustrated hand through her hair as she flipped through the seven-page packet on her desk. "In fact, if you are, I think you're inhuman."

"Why did there have to be so many suspects this time?" he moaned, scrolling through the expansive list on his computer, tapping his fingers against his desk.

Karpowski popped a bubble of gum at the next desk over and Kate wanted to scream. She bit her lip and zeroed in on giving an accurate description of the alley that they'd spent the greater part of the afternoon in. There had been a ton of evidence to collect; dismemberment usually meant missing articles of clothing that needed to be harvested. And wasn't it their good fortune that they got to go looking for entrail encrusted shirts and pants and watches?

"I'm still smelling it, you know," Esposito muttered. "Like all the Lysol in the world couldn't get rid of it."

Kate nodded and swallowed hard, her stomach churning at the memory. They'd been called out on a dismembered body that had been lying in the trash for a few days. She'd managed to keep the images of those mangled body parts out of her mind, but Esposito was right—the smell was everlasting. How someone could cut up a body, with a steak knife no less, was beyond her. The bile rose higher in her throat at the thought and she took another deep breath and leaned back, staring at the ceiling. If she focused, she could will the images away. She could box up the questions.

Her phone rang and Kate sighed, worried that it was yet another call; they'd been running full tilt all week. Esposito eyed her warily as she reached for it and brought it tiredly to her ear. She couldn't wait to get home and sink into a hot bath. Hopefully it was just Madison, or Lanie, or Rick, calling for something trivial.

"Beckett," she answered.

"Oh, Kate, thank God," Rick replied. She could hear cars rushing past and he sounded out of breath. "I'm really sorry about this."

"What's up?" she asked, confused and concerned. He sounded harried. He usually sounded chipper.

"I'm going to be on Letterman tonight," he replied over the honking of a horn.

Kate smiled; now she had something to watch tonight. Dismemberment didn't lend itself to pleasant post-homicide dreams. "That's great," she told him.

"Yeah, thanks," he replied. He went quiet for a moment and she heard him breathing into the phone.

"Are you running?" she asked, glancing over at Esposito. He was staring at her unabashedly. She gave him a glare and he stopped watching her, turning studiously back to his paperwork. He was still listening. Nosy.

"I'm…yeah," he replied.

"Rick? What's up?" she pressed. He was distracted, if the yelling in the background was any indication.

"Okay. I have a favor to ask," he began, his voice tentative.

"Shoot," she replied instantly. Perhaps she wouldn't be getting that bath. But, then again, it didn't matter much, did it? She wanted him to stop sounding like he was sprinting; it was unnerving.

"Can you…I swear I called everyone first, but I…damnit!" he swore. "God, don't people know how to walk? Pachyderms," he muttered.

Kate bit her lip to keep from laughing. "Rick, what's your favor?"

"Alexis," he replied before she heard a grunt. "God, people are slow."

"What about Alexis, Flash?"

"Can you…I'm sorry about the short notice. But could you watch her tonight?" he sounded timid and guilty.

"Sure," the answer came easily. She'd happily spend the night with her favorite seven-year-old. Alexis wouldn't smell like rotting corpse, or discuss the missing body parts of an unfortunate accountant. And once she was asleep, Kate could still have her bath, and still watch Rick on Letterman. Win win.

"Really?" he asked. "Finally! God, people."

"Really," she replied. "Why'd you think I'd say no?"

"You've been swamped," he replied instantly. "I've barely talked to you all week since dinner."

She hung her head and blew out a breath. "Sorry 'bout that."

"No, no," she could practically see him waving her off. "I totally get it. You have a real job, and I usually don't. You get to be busy."

"Sounds like your job is real enough right now," she replied. "Where are you?"

"I'm on my way to a press conference that Paula set up last minute and then a dinner with my publisher and then the show, and people just won't move!"

"But you'll make it?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "But Alexis was looking forward making pizza tonight, and Mother has a performance, and her babysitter is sick, and Paige has the flu…it's like everyone in the world decided that tonight was an off night."

"Well, I'm free," she shrugged. Esposito looked over at her. "What time will Martha drop her off?"

"What time is it now?" Rick asked.

Kate glanced at her clock. It was nearing six; they'd been pushing through the paperwork, but it had been slow going, and by unanimous decision, they'd opted to try and muscle through. "It's close to six."

"Mother needs to be at the show by seven," he replied. "Is that okay?"

"I can do 6:30," she smiled. Esposito gaped. "Espo owes me anyway for taking off early last week." He narrowed his eyes at her. "And I'm happy to do it for Alexis," she enunciated. His jaw tightened, but he glanced at the picture of Alexis on her desk and gave her a brusque nod.

Kate sighed and buried her head in her hands, breathing deeply. They'd just returned from a scene, and it was all she could do to keep seeing straight. A kid had been found in an alley dangling from a fire escape, strangled and hung up by his neck. She and Esposito had been the first on the scene.

She could still see him there, swinging gently back and forth, lifeless eyes staring out at them, his body limp and small. They'd done their work, made the calls and collected what they could. All the while, Esposito had been quiet and stoic, while Kate had jittered her way through it. Kids were the worst. Kids were absolutely the worst.

She glanced up as Espo came and sat down, his face blank and eyes half-lidded. It was an easy case; the father, a convicted felon, out of prison not five months, had left his heavy fingerprints all over his son. They were both shaken and Kate couldn't ever remember seeing Esposito more blank—as if he could simply push the emotions away, and they would never return.

Her phone rang and she watched as his hands clenched on his desk. Neither of them could take another scene today; but such was Homicide, and she had no choice but to answer.

"Beckett," she said steadily, even as her own hands quaked.

"Hi, Kate!" Alexis chirped on the other end.

"Oh, Lexi. Hi," Kate murmured, feeling air rush back into her lungs. Alexis was okay. She hadn't realized she'd worried until her heart began to calm, lulled by the voice of the little girl on the other end of the phone. Alexis was okay. Alexis was okay.

"Daddy wants to know what you want for dinner," she said, her voice light. "I told him we should have tacos, but he doesn't want them. Then I suggested spaghetti, but he doesn't want that either. He's so picky!"

Kate laughed. Esposito looked over at her in confusion. She understood his gaze; how could she possibly be laughing? But Alexis—Alexis was infectious, delightful, real and wholesome and whole. And okay. She was okay.

"I know your Daddy is picky," she replied, even hearing the change in her own voice. "And I feel for you."

"Thank you," Alexis sighed dramatically. "But he's making hurry up hands. What do you want for dinner?"

She didn't know that she'd be able to eat anything. But then her stomach grumbled lightly. Maybe by the time she got over there she'd be okay. Maybe just seeing Alexis could make the pictures of that poor little boy fade. "How about fried chicken?" she suggested. That didn't have sauce. That didn't remind her of blood, or murder, or little boys…

"Daddy says that sounds great," Alexis told her. "Why does he do that for you? What makes you so special?"

Kate let out a surprised laugh and heard Rick howling in the background. "I don't know, Lex. Ask your Dad," she chuckled. Esposito was now regarding her with something akin to amazement, his own lips twitching. She widened her eyes at him, as if to say, 'what?' and waited for Alexis to finish whispering with Rick.

"He says that you have the magic suggestions," Alexis replied petulantly. "And that when I grow up and become a strong, smart woman, I'll have them too."

Kate felt herself smile at the relayed message, even though it was told with jealousy. "Tell your father that he gets a free question for that comment, and I'll see you soon, Sweetie."

"Daddy's smiling, Kate. I don't get it," she whined.

"You will someday, Alexis," Kate grinned. "Now, I have to go, but I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay," she sighed. "Daddy says he'll make it a doozy, whatever that is," she added.

"I'm looking forward to it. See you later, Munchkin."

"Kay. Bye, Kate."

They clicked off and Kate smiled. Rick had been pestering her with questions about the force, and her job, and her interests, and various other invasive queries since his Birthday party. In response, she'd instituted an award system. He got answers for particularly clever word play, considerate actions, and anything else she deemed worthy. And now it was a game; he was constantly trying to one-up himself. She found that she didn't mind, as it meant that they bantered and jostled and laughed more and more each time they saw each other.

She looked over at Esposito and found him staring back at her, his mouth slack.

"What?" she asked, suddenly self-conscious. She didn't normally talk to Alexis at work, and she worried that maybe she'd done something wrong, or revealing.

"You're smiling," he replied, awe evident in his voice.

"So?"

"You looked like hell warmed over when we got back."

"Again, so?" She didn't quite get it.

"How on Earth are you so relaxed now?"

Oh. Oh. She was, wasn't she? "Alexis," she shrugged. She'd have to give that girl a big hug when she got there. Because Esposito was right; the cloud had lifted. She felt normal again. The images were still there, but now she could shut them out—could guard herself against the tragedy of it all.

"Who's Alexis?" he asked. "And why don't I get to talk to her?"

"Excuse me?" Kate spluttered.

"What? I want the magic cure too! You look good, Beckett."

"Good how?" she replied, narrowing her eyes.

He sighed and gave her a put-upon look. "Like you're not deep in it anymore. It's good for you, you know? So I ask, who's Alexis?"

"She's…" she faltered for a second. But Esposito looked genuine and interested. And he was smiling, like her mood made his better. "She's a friend's kid. She's great, really brightens up the day when you see her, you know?"

"Yeah," he gave her a small smile. "Seems that way. Thanks for that." And then he turned to his desk and began pulling out files. Kate watched him and felt herself smiling as well.

The next day, she brought in a picture of Alexis at the park, twirling around, her face captured in the picture, beaming and laughing. She caught Esposito staring at it from time to time, when things got rough.

The next day, she brought in a picture of Alexis at the park, twirling around, her face captured in the picture, beaming and laughing. She caught Esposito staring at it from time to time, when things got rough.

"Great. Thank you so much, Kate," Rick murmured, breaking her out of her thoughts.

"It's no problem. Should I drop her at school tomorrow?" she asked as she began shuffling papers around on her desk, organizing files while Esposito grudgingly held out his hand. She was just lucky that he'd had tickets to a game last week, and now owed her the solid.

"Tomorrow's Saturday," he laughed. "But, no worries. I'll come by tonight and pick her up."

"What?"

"I'll be done around midnight. I can just carry her home."

Kate blinked and shook her head. "Rick, that's ridiculous. Just come over in the morning. Or, better yet, let me drop her off."

"Crap, I've got to go. That's fine. I'll see you tomorrow? Thank you so much," he hurried.

"No problem. Talk pretty," she laughed.

"Studly. Talk Studly," he grumbled as he clicked off.

Kate thrust her phone into her bag, trying not to grin like the girl she was. She really needed to get a handle on the facial expressions she made when Rick called. They were wholly too embarrassing.

"You're leaving me to babysit?" Esposito whined.

"No. I'm leaving you to spend the night with Alexis. I'm finishing my babysitting right about now," she replied, handing him the organized folder. "Thanks."

"Solid paid. Don't think you can do this to me again," he grumbled as she picked up her bag and keys and adjusted her shirt, rumpled by the day.

"Understood. See you tomorrow," she told him with a nod.

"Yeah, yeah," he replied. But she caught him staring at the picture of Alexis as she walked away. He was just a big softy, when it came down to it. And he had her back. Esposito wasn't so bad.

She drove home through the thick traffic, cursing her own morals. It was tempting to throw the gumball, but she couldn't do that. It would be wrong. But her fingers itched to do it. She just wanted to wash the day away, and now she had a little ball of childhood to run around her apartment. She wondered, belatedly, how Rick knew her address. For all the time they'd spent together, it had never been at her place. He took them out, or they ate at the loft, or they watched movies at the loft, or they hung out at the loft; it was always on his turf.

Though, he was Richard Castle. For all she knew, he'd done a background check on her. Actually, she shook her head as she pulled to a stop outside her building, he probably had done a check. It was something he would do.

She got out of her car and crossed the street, walking toward her doorman until a voice stopped her.

"Kate!" Alexis called.

Kate turned and watched as Alexis sprinted toward her, a backpack on her back and an enormous smile on her face. She barreled into Kate and wrapped her arms around her waist.

"Hey, Lex," Kate laughed, steadying them both and running a hand over the girl's head. "Where's your Gram?"

"She sent me in the car," Alexis said, tilting her head back to look at her. "But Daddy said it was okay, I think."

"Uh-huh," Kate replied. She'd have to mention that to Rick and make sure that it really was okay for Alexis to take a town car alone.

"Ernie was funny on the way over," she continued as Kate took her hand and began guiding the bouncing, pigtailed girl inside.

"Who's Ernie?"

"He's my driver," Alexis explained. "Can I press the button?" she asked as they got into the elevator. Kate nodded as she studiously avoided meeting the eyes of her interested neighbors. They always wanted to stop and talk to her, as if those older adults could read the difficulties she'd faced sitting there on her cheeks. And having a kid on you was a sure-fire way to get asked many, many questions. She couldn't subject Alexis to that. It would be cruel.

"You can. It's the fourth floor," Kate told her.

Alexis grinned and pushed the button with a smile, watching as it lit up and the doors closed. "Thanks for letting me stay the night," she said, turning her head to look up at Kate.

"Anytime," Kate smiled. "You're always welcome at my apartment."

"I'm glad Daddy didn't have to fly this time. He always takes me, and I hate flying."

Kate nodded as the elevator opened. "Me too."

"Really?" the girl asked as Kate led her down the narrow hall to her door, fishing her keys out of her pocket with her free hand. "Daddy loves to fly."

"I can see that," Kate laughed as she got the door open and led Alexis inside. "Your Dad would like flying. It's very…free."

"That's what he says!" Alexis exclaimed while Kate toed off her shoes.

"Why don't you toss your backpack on the couch while I change?" she suggested, wanting to get rid of her gun and badge and take off her work clothes before Alexis really had a chance to appreciate any of it. "You can watch TV until I'm back if you want."

"Okay," Alexis grinned, kicking her own shoes off before happily prancing over to the living room.

Kate watched her go, observing how easily she adjusted to the new place. It was odd, how at home she looked, hopping up onto Kate's couch and settling against the pillows, TV remote already located and in her hand. She shook her head and smiled as she wandered back and into her bedroom, Alexis' quiet giggles floating behind her.

She removed her gun and badge and laid them in the drawer on her armoire as she gazed at her reflection in the mirror. She looked as tired as she felt. Hopefully Alexis wouldn't pick up on it. She was lucky that Rick wasn't around tonight; he'd notice. He always did.

He seemed to know now within a minute of looking at her, whether the day had been good or bad, hard or easy, grueling or gruesome. If she was tired, he'd give her coffee. If she was annoyed, he'd annoy the crap out of her, get Alexis in on it, and keep going until she cracked and laughed. And if she was sad, or burnt out, or simply trodden down by the evils of humanity, he'd wrap an arm around her shoulders, order take out, and camp out on his sinfully comfortable couch with her, Alexis sprawled between them.

She stripped out of her clothing and tried, again, to sort out exactly what Rick Castle was, and what their odd relationship had become. It was…it was comfortable, in a way that guy friends had never been. He was just this huge pillow that smiled and laughed and needled her. He called every so often, just to chat, and she found that she did it too. When it was quiet and dark and she just needed to vent, she called him, and he listened. He listened like she was telling him the secrets to life, and he remembered things.

Will hadn't been able to remember whether she liked one sugar or two in her coffee. Rick knew the names of her high school friends in alphabetical order.

"Kate?" Alexis called as Kate pulled on a sweatshirt over a comfortable pair of jeans.

"Coming, Lex," she called, pushing the thoughts away. She liked their relationship, even if both Lanie and Madison were convinced that they were dating, just not dating.

She walked back into the living room and smiled at the picture that was Alexis Castle. She was stretched out on the couch, her socked feet twisted up over the back, one arm dangling off the side.

"I'm starving," she said, giving a sigh befitting of a primadonna.

"Then what shall we feed you, my drama queen?" Kate laughed, walking over to plop down on the coffee table in front of the couch. "Wouldn't want you to waste away."

Alexis grinned and giggled. "I won't waste away."

"Well, I have pasta and…" she trailed off. Great. Invite the kid over for the night and have no healthy options for food. Great plan, Kate.

"Pasta sounds good," Alexis smiled. "Can we have the garlicky sauce you made last week?"

Kate nodded and smiled. She'd enjoyed cooking at Chez Castle. They had such an enormous kitchen and all sorts of ingredients she was far too lazy to buy. "I can definitely do that. Do you want to help me?"

"Sure," Alexis exclaimed, sitting up quickly and swinging her legs off the couch. "What can I do?"

"You can help me fill the pot and then stir the pasta if you're very careful," she told her as they walked to her kitchen.

Alexis bounced along, swinging her arms with abandon. "I like your house," she offered as Kate grabbed a chair and pulled it over to the counter so that Alexis would have something to stand on. "It's really cool."

Kate laughed. "I think your apartment is the cool one. It's got a lot more fun stuff in it," she replied, allowing Alexis to help her lift the filled pot out of the sink. She carried it to the burner and plopped it down, turning on the stove top to let it boil.

"But yours is so grown up," Alexis told her. "You have lots of books."

"Your Daddy has more books than me," Kate smiled, getting down a box of pasta. Really, she needed to start stocking more food in the house. She couldn't even offer Alexis two of the food groups.

"But yours look different," Alexis said. "Yours look cooler."

Kate observed the young girl standing on the chair. She stared back with equal respect; she looked at Kate like she herself was cool. "Well, my books thank you," Kate said easily. "Now, I have a container of that sauce in my fridge. So, while we wait for the water to boil, do you want to set the table?"

"Sure!" She hopped off the chair and then turned around in a small circle. "Where do I get plates and forks and stuff?" she asked, a frown settling over her features. "I don't know where anything is. But you know where everything is in my house."

Kate laughed and took down plates, handing them to Alexis while she got forks and a serving spoon. "It's my job to know where things are," she told her while they set the table together. "I'm supposed to notice details."

"Like how you know how Daddy likes his coffee?" she asked, watching as Kate added pasta to the boiling water.

"Exactly like that," Kate replied. That had been one detail she'd picked up quickly, watching him make his coffee next to hers in Starbucks, or at a diner table on Tuesday afternoons. He took it with three sugars and an obscene amount of cream—like the child he was. But, then again, he made her coffee like an expert. "Your Daddy notices things too," she added. "Sometimes it's an adult thing."

"Like how you always smile more when he has his hand on your back, or you guys are holding hands without meaning to?" Alexis asked, all innocence and light.

Kate looked down at the little spitfire. "You notice things too, I see," she offered. She wouldn't blush. This little girl would not win this bizarre little dance they were doing.

Alexis grinned up at her. "Your cheeks are red."

And apparently she'd lost the battle already. "It's from the cooking," she said, opening the refrigerator door, unashamed to be hiding behind it under the pretense of finding her sauce.

"Nu-uh," Alexis said. "You're blushing 'cause you and Daddy hold hands."

"Am not," Kate replied, straightening up and tossing the container onto the counter.

"Are too. Daddy did the same thing."

"Blushed like a little girl?" Kate asked.

Alexis grinned. "Yep. And he told me that I was crazy. But I'm not."

"You're something," Kate muttered. "Okay, pasta's almost ready. The bathroom is down the hall. Why don't you go wash hands?"

"Okay," Alexis smiled, turning and scampering from the room.

Kate let out a sigh and switched off the burner. She reached for the colander and put it in the sink before pouring the pasta into the strainer, watching as it foamed and steam billowed out around her. Alexis was a perceptive kid—too perceptive for her own good sometimes.

It wasn't a bad thing that Kate blushed when Rick touched her. He was a handsome man, and he had talented, large, warm hands. And he was familiar and comfortable. It was natural. Rick did it too, even though she pretended he didn't. She pretended their hands didn't brush when they went out for walks, and that falling asleep on his shoulder late at night was totally platonic. Everything was totally platonic, except that it wasn't, at all.

"Clean hands," Alexis announced, skipping to the table.

"Almost ready," Kate told her, dumping the pasta back into the pot.

She grabbed the container and a knife and scooped a third of the congealed garlic butter sauce onto the pasta, watching as it melted. She could worry about Rick and their relationship, and the fact that she had no qualms with 'barely dating' him, later.

She spooned a liberal portion of pasta onto Alexis' plate and then gave one to herself, sitting down with a plop, only then realizing how hungry she was.

"Dig in, munchkin," she smiled.

Alexis was all too happy to oblige, and they sat quietly for a few minutes, both too caught up in eating to talk. Kate's stomach churned happily with the food. Had she really not eaten since ten that morning? She needed to be better about taking care of herself. But, rather than turn down that path, and admit all the unhealthy things she'd been doing for forever, she focused on Alexis. Alexis was an easy distraction.

"So, what did you do in school today?" she asked, watching as Alexis slurped a ziti into her mouth with a smack.

"We practiced cursive and learned about dinosaurs," Alexis replied. "Did you know that raptors had feathers?"

Kate did. Rick had mentioned it about a week earlier. But Alexis looked so surprised and awed that she didn't have the heart to tell her so. "Really?"

"Uh-huh. And they hunted in packs. They're really smart, like wolves, but…I mean, have you seen one? Their teeth are huge!" she exclaimed, waving her fork. "Daddy said that they're really scary. He said there's a movie with them and they're the ones you want to be afraid of, not the T-Rex."

Jurassic Park—yeah, the Raptors were the scariest part of that movie. "I've seen that movie. He's right," she agreed. "But I've always liked the Pterodactyls."

"Yeah!" Alexis enthused. "They can fly. That's pretty cool."

"Do you think you'd like to fly?" Kate asked, taking another bite, only to realize that it had been her last. She could have more, but then there would be no leftovers, and leftovers were a lifeline.

"I think it would be fun," Alexis shrugged. "But I'd rather ride a broom."

"Still thinking about Harry Potter, I see," Kate grinned. Alexis had talked of nothing but the first movie for weeks, and had demanded that Rick re-read all the existing books with her before the fifth one came out.

"But it's so cool, Kate," she protested. "And I don't think about it all the time."

Kate laughed. "I know." She glanced at the girl's clean plate. "Do you want any more?"

"No thank you," Alexis replied easily, stifling a yawn.

"Looks like it's time for a bath, and then bed," she told the girl, standing and taking their plates, dumping them in the sink and running some water over them before turning back to the table. "Why are you so tired so early, munchkin?" she asked, watching as Alexis slumped in her chair.

"We played kickball in gym and I ran a lot," Alexis replied, yawning again. "And I helped Gram run lines this afternoon."

"Reading makes you sleepy?" Kate asked with a chuckle.

"No. But letting her chase me around does. She has to chase a Mailman, and she said he runs really fast, so I did too…but now I'm sleepy," she told her.

"Okay, bath time," Kate smiled, extending a hand for her. Alexis took it and Kate led her back through the living room, pausing to pick up her back pack as she guided the tired girl to her bedroom and into the bathroom.

"Where am I gonna sleep?" Alexis asked, watching as Kate got down another towel for her and started the bath.

Kate blinked. She hadn't considered it. She could put Alexis on the couch, but that seemed kind of cold. She looked back at the little girl, who was now happily stripping down to her Birthday suit and digging in her backpack for her toothbrush. They could share Kate's bed. It was big and comfortable, and it would…she'd done that with her mother when she was little and they'd gone on trips. Johanna would snuggle them both into bed and they'd tell 'secrets' until Kate fell asleep.

"You can just hop in with me. My bed's pretty big," Kate replied after a minute. Alexis had somehow managed to jump up and lean over the sink to spit, her little legs kicking happily against the cabinets below the counter. "Though, maybe I should just get you a hammock. You're such a monkey!"

Alexis grinned and rinsed off her toothbrush before sliding down to stand on the floor again. "I'm not a monkey! I'm a Ninja."

"Ah, my mistake," Kate laughed. "Bath's ready."

Alexis padded over and let Kate lift her into the claw foot tub. She settled her against one of the edges and fought the urge to giggle. Alexis looked tiny in her large tub. Her head barely reached the rim and her legs barely stretched to the middle. She smiled up at Kate, who knelt to rest her arms on the edge of the bath while Alexis took out her pigtails.

"Your bathtub is really big," Alexis announced as she dove under the water, coming up with dripping hair and scrunched eyes. She wiped her hands across her face and then looked up at Kate. "Why do you have this kind of tub?"

"It came with the apartment," Kate replied. It had been one of the reasons she'd chosen this apartment, actually. "I thought it was cool, so I kept it."

"I like it," Alexis decided. "Can I borrow some shampoo? I don't think Gram packed any. She was kind of distracted."

Kate nodded and reached across the tub to hand the bottle of cherry scented shampoo/conditioner to Alexis, who took it and gave herself a rather conservative dollop for a little kid. She rubbed it expertly into the crown of her hair and then bunched up the rest of her long red mane and lathered it as well. Kate watched, impressed. She didn't think she'd been quite as good at that when she was little.

Alexis glanced over at her. "What?" she asked and she leaned back and dunked her hair into the water, running her hands through it.

"You're very good at washing your hair," Kate replied honestly.

"Mommy taught me," Alexis replied as she sat up. "She said that little girls should know how to take care of their hair from an early age."

"Well, you've learned well," Kate smiled. Hadn't her mother told her once that she'd been sad when Kate had decided she could shower and bathe alone, because Johanna would miss playing with her hair?

"Thank you," Alexis grinned, reaching for the soap. "Can I?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "No, I brought you in here to sit in your own dirty water. Of course you can use my soap, silly."

Alexis grinned. "Thanks! Mommy never lets me use hers."

Kate was tempted to ask what Mommy did do with Alexis, but refrained. It wasn't fair of her to pass judgment on a woman she'd never met. Though, it was hard to keep herself objective, especially when Rick flopped on the couch after a phone call, or Alexis gave a tidbit of information like, 'Mommy loves to take me shopping, but I think she just likes shopping.' Meredith should be doing back flips to spend time with this little girl, not doing everything she could to avoid her.

"She's coming to visit soon, you know?" Alexis added as she washed under her armpits.

"Is she?" Kate replied. She hadn't heard anything about it from Rick.

"Uh-huh. She promised me last week that she would. She has a meeting in the city and then she said she'd spend the whole day with me! I get to skip school and everything," she grinned up at Kate.

"I thought you loved school," she said. Alexis fought tooth and nail to go to school every day, even when she was sick, or was given the option of skipping to go do something fun.

"I do, but Mommy said this would be more fun. And I never get to see her," Alexis shrugged. "I think I'm done with the bath now."

"Okay," Kate nodded, reaching in to help Alexis hop over the side. She wrapped the little girl in a big towel and made her laugh as she tickled and dried her off. "Did you bring pajamas?" she asked as she finished drying her legs.

"Of course," Alexis laughed. "Gram's distracted, not silly."

Kate chuckled and watched as Alexis grabbed her blue nighty out of the backpack and put it on, her wet head popping out of the top with a grin. "Okay, let's get you out there and then I can braid your hair?" Kate asked as she stood with a grimace. Was she getting too old to kneel on the tiled floor? Gee, that was depressing.

"I can do my own hair," Alexis told her as they left the bathroom and Alexis walked over to the bed, her backpack pulled to her chest. "Are you sure you want me to sleep in here?"

Kate looked down at the little girl with the unruly, wet, red hair and smiled. "Of course I am. And I want to braid your hair, munchkin," she added. "Your hair is fun."

Alexis shrugged and then pulled Hamilton and Monkey-Bunky out of her bag and tossed them on the bed. "They can sleep with us too, right?" she asked while Kate grabbed a brush.

"Of course," she smiled. "Now, come on, climb up on the bed so I can brush your hair."

Alexis complied and Kate slipped up behind her, taking her long hair in hand and running the comb through it, from the bottom up. She worked methodically, a small smile on her face as she remembered sitting on her mother's bed just like this. Her father had tried to do it a few times when Johanna had been away on business, but there'd been too many tears and tangles.

"Daddy's not very good at doing my hair," Alexis said a few minutes later.

Kate laughed. "Mine wasn't either."

"He can do pigtails, but not braids," Alexis added as Kate began to separate her hair into sections and braid them into a plait down the girl's back. "You're good at this."

"I have long hair. I've had practice," Kate replied.

"But your hair is always down, or in a bun when you come to see us," Alexis argued. "Do you do fun stuff with it other days?"

"You've seen me with braids and ponytails," Kate argued. "Just not when I come from work."

"Why not?"

"Well, catching criminals can be dangerous, and you don't want hair to get in the way," Kate replied, giving Alexis the sanitized version. She didn't need to know that if your hair was easy to grab, it might get yanked out, or used to pull you into a knife or down to the pavement. Some truths were still too hard for the sagging little girl on her bed.

"Oh," Alexis yawned.

Kate finished the braid and ran a hand over the top of Alexis' head. "Bedtime, I think," she smiled.

Alexis nodded and leaned back into Kate. "Sorry I'm sleepy."

"Why are you sorry?" Kate asked as she reached behind them and turned down the comforter.

"Cause I haven't been much fun," she replied.

Kate shook her head and gave the little girl a squeeze. "You've been lots of fun, Alexis. And you're welcome here any time. But, now, I think you should go use the bathroom and then I'll tuck you in."

Alexis hopped off the bed and scurried into the bathroom while Kate stood and arranged the bed a bit. How could Alexis think she wasn't fun? She was a blast. Kate's terrible day had all but evaporated, and she'd enjoyed the time she'd gotten so spend with Alexis. Rick didn't feed that kind of self-doubt, and neither did Martha. Maybe she could hate Meredith. Maybe she should.

Alexis came out of the bathroom just as Kate was grabbing a pair of sweats and a tee shirt to change into. She put them on the dresser and then helped Alexis settle into the pillows.

"Are you going to sleep too?" she asked while Kate dimmed the lights.

"Not just yet, but I will soon," Kate replied. It was just 8:00pm, but she was tired too, and maybe this was a good excuse to fall into bed at nine, like an elderly woman.

"Okay," Alexis whispered, already sinking into the pillows, her stuffed animals pulled close.

"Night, Lexi."

"Night, Kate. Love you," she sighed.

Kate blinked and looked down at the child asleep in her bed. "Love you too, Alexis," she whispered.

She brushed a kiss across the girl's forehead and then took her clothes and gently closed the door, walking dazedly into her living room. Alexis loved her. She sat down heavily on her couch and stared around. When had this happened? When had she become someone important in this little girl's life? When had she started loving Alexis?

She spent a lot of time with her, with them. They had dinners and saw movies and went out on Tuesdays. And sometimes she came over on the weekends and they'd go out for a late dinner, or play games. But when had she fallen in love with the kid? When had she let herself get that attached? Hell, when had she become so entrenched in their lives that Kate was on the list of emergency babysitters?

She fell backward and sank into the couch, staring at the ceiling. It wasn't bad, being loved. It even made her stomach clench and she realized she was smiling. It wasn't a bad thing. In fact, it felt good, right. She could hit herself for freaking out about it. It was just love. Love wasn't dangerous or hurtful.

But then she glanced over at the mantel, at the picture of her mother, and she frowned. Love wasn't dangerous. The world was dangerous, and it took people from you. It ripped them away and didn't give them back. And all the love you could give to someone couldn't protect them from that.

Her cell rang and Kate grabbed it where it had fallen out of her pocket onto the coffee table.

"Beckett," she answered, her thoughts still far away.

"Hey."

"Rick?" she snapped back to the present. "Why are you calling me? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah…yeah, everything's okay."

But it didn't sound okay. He sounded dejected and a little lost. "Rick, what's wrong?"

"How's Alexis?" he asked.

If it would make him stop sounding so forlorn, she'd tell him Alexis was running a circus. "She's sound asleep. Your mother tired her out."

"Right. The Mailman scene," he laughed—a low, quiet, sad laugh.

"Rick. Tell me what's wrong," she urged. "Aren't you on a press junket or something?"

"Dinner just ended and I've got thirty minutes before the meeting," he replied.

"And you're calling me?"

"I…" he grew quiet and Kate just grew more concerned. She loved talking to Rick, but he generally didn't call when he was in the middle of something, and never with such a troubled voice. "Meredith called and left me a message."

"Is everything okay?" She may hate the woman, or be on her way to hating her, but she hoped nothing was wrong with her. It would devastate Alexis.

"She's not…she's not coming to visit next week. Says she can't make the time," he replied.

"Oh. Oh, Rick," Kate breathed. It would kill Alexis, and now she understood. He sounded sad and troubled because he knew that he was going to have to break his daughter's heart. Meredith wouldn't even have the courtesy to do it herself. "I'm sorry." She could hate her now.

"Me too," he replied. "And I…I just…God, I don't want to have to tell her, you know?"

"I do." She glanced at the door to her bedroom and sighed. It was unfair. It was so unfair.

"She was so excited."

"She told me."

"Right? And now, I mean, she's going to be in the city, and she can't even find an hour for her kid? Who does that? We haven't seen her since November! It's just…I know I got sole custody, but I expected her to make some effort."

"I'm sure," Kate whispered. What else could she say? There was nothing she could say to make it better.

He sighed on the other end and Kate could hear his breathing change. He was trying to pull himself back together. "Look…sorry I called."

"What?" she was too shocked to come up with something better.

"I just, I needed to vent, and I thought of you and…I'm sorry."

"Hey, wait. No," she stammered. If he was sorry, they needed to fix this now. Why the hell would he be sorry? "That's what I'm here for, you dope."

"What?" he laughed, sounding a bit more like himself.

"I vent. You vent. It's a mutual thing, got it? Don't be sorry. Call me with this stuff. I'm here," she continued, hoping he'd get it. If she got to fall apart and call him just to feel better, or rant about the day, then he did too.

"Okay," he murmured after a pause. "Right. Sorry. Thank you, Kate."

"Thank me again and I'm taking away a question," she threatened.

He laughed. "Got it. Oh, crap, that's Paula. I have to go. See you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow. Have a tape of the interview for me? I don't think I'm going to be able to stay up."

"All right, grandma," he chuckled.

"Two questions?"

"No, no. Night, young, fit, gorgeous, youthful, brainy, funny…"

"Yes, flattery will get you everywhere. Now, go, before Paula finds another reason to hate me. I'll be there at eight with the Pumpkin."

"Okay. Night, Kate."

He clicked off. Kate blew out a breath. Now she hated Meredith. Perhaps hate wasn't even strong enough. How could she do that to Alexis? How could you possibly come to New York and not want to see your kid, especially if that kid was Alexis? Alexis was worth seeing. Alexis was worth spending time with.

Kate stood absent-mindedly and changed into her pajamas. She grabbed a book from her shelf—it wasn't one of his most recent books, of course not—and went back into her bedroom. She contemplated various other words to substitute in place of hate as she used the bathroom and brushed her teeth. Her favorite became 'loathe with an unending passion' as she listened to the soft sounds of breathing from the lump in her bed. She loathed Meredith with an unending passion for breaking that little girl's heart.

When she was finished, Kate climbed into bed and settled against the pillows, opening her book. But she didn't read. Instead, she watched the steady rise and fall of Alexis' breath and smiled. Alexis loved her. Maybe she couldn't fix the Castles' relationship with Meredith. Maybe she couldn't make that horrible woman be the right kind of mother to this amazing little girl. Maybe she couldn't promise Alexis that Meredith would show up for the next meeting, the next party, the next big disappointment.

But she could be there for the little girl. She could love her back. God, Alexis loved her.

Alexis shifted in her sleep and one of her hands reached out to curl into Kate's sweat pants as she shifted. The little girl snuggled into the blankets and settled down, but her hand remained twisted into Kate's pants.

Alexis loved her.