Chapter 29

"I have a confession to make."

I was sitting behind the hotel, on one of the branches with Perkyn.

I was eating a homemade salad that Seeley had made me since I haven't been eating properly in the last few weeks and he wanted me to guide back to the right path.

Back? As if he didn't know that I was never there.

I liked how caring he was with me sometimes. When he'd given me a ride – which we had to be careful about since we didn't want to draw the others' attention – he always bought me coffee or something else that I craved for.

"This is the part where you tell me that you're a serial killer in your free time and the only reason you brought me out here is to get rid of me finally?" I asked while chewing.

Perkyn tapped his fingers against his croissant while crumbs were around his mouth.

"I held that information back for another lunch break actually." He looked at me and we exchanged a smile.

"What can I say?" I asked. "I binge-watch killer documentaries in my free time."

Perkyn's smile slowly faded and a frown has taken over his face.

"I thought that was only a myth." He whispered.

"What?"

He cleared his throat and stared down at his chocolate croissant.

"I've been hearing this joke being thrown around for a good laugh but I thought it wasn't true."

I could only laugh at his confused face as if he needed to solute a complicated math question to understand how women worked.

"Oh, no… It's pretty much true." I nodded. "We love watching this kind of documentaries about crazy killers. Just a perfect movie while we are having dinner."

As I continued to eat my salad, I could feel his eyes burning a hole into the side of my head.

"I usually watch action movies while I'm having dinner…"

I didn't know why but it was always amusing to see the genuine reaction of men to our unexplainable love for mature contented killer documentaries.

I, for a fact, only watched them at night. You know, just for the vibe and the excitement.

"Are you also having tea in your free time with Satan? You know, just for fun?" He asked softly while still watching me eat my lunch.

I hid my mouth to muffle my laughter while Perkyn slowly started to smile.

"I didn't expect this conversation to take this kind of turn." He admitted with a small laugh.

"If you want someone to surprise you in only a matter of seconds, feel free to call me." I joked and put my box next to me.

"Anyway, back to the topic." He said, tapping my knee.

"Yes? I'm listening."

"Delilah plans on making a BBQ party this Friday." He started it. "And I thought that you could come if you'd like to."

His invitation took me by surprise. I hadn't expected him to be the kind of person who'd take me over to his house and let me meet his parents.

I didn't know why but I have always thought that he was the type of guy who'd be meeting up with people in secret and never telling a soul about that.

I was glad that he thought of me and wanted me to go but I was kind of afraid. We were just co-workers, friends. What would his parents think of us?

If Perkyn had the bravery to man up and admit his crush on me in front of my friends, then he had to talk about me at home too, right?

I wasn't very good with introductions, remembering how I made friends with those bastards, sometimes I knew how to make people remember me and not in a good way.

"Sounds great…"

Perkyn noticed my hesitation instantly.

"I feel like there is a but." He said carefully.

"I don't think that would be a great idea." I admitted, letting my fears wash over me like waves.

Perkyn sighed and leaned back and stared into the distance.

"Is this because of Seeley?"

I snapped my head up so fast that I could feel a bone cracking under my skin.

"What?"

God, was it too obvious that there was something going on between Seeley and me?

After all the trouble we've put up with just to have a physical connection, it felt like I had an actual relationship with him.

"He doesn't seem to like me." Perkyn said quietly as if he has been in the wrong.

My throat tightened by the disappointed look on his face.

"He's been always cold with me." Perkyn continued.

"Don't take it too seriously." I tried to reassure him in a nervous way. "He is almost like this with everyone."

"That's still not convincing."

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

"I'd noticed that kind of hostility toward me on your birthday." Perkyn nodded. "When he called me I didn't even want to believe that it was him and all he wanted was to make sure that I was there on your birthday."

I furrowed my eyebrows at that.

"How did he get your number anyway?" I asked.

Perkyn rubbed his forehead and let out a dry laugh.

"Something tells me that Nancy was on shift that day because if a guy smiles at her, she gives out almost anything."

I rolled my eyes. Nancy didn't seem like the best option for being a part-time receptionist but she knew how to handle bookings and was quite fast.

But everybody has got a flawed side, right?

"He came all the way here into the hotel?" I echoed in disbelief. I just couldn't see Seeley doing something like that. And the thought that it was for me? Absolutely shocking.

"He probably did." Perkyn nodded. "The guy was really working hard to make your birthday perfect."

I didn't even notice at first how much I've been smiling at that. Seeley sometimes seemed like the perfect man and moments like this made me wish that he was always like that.

He was so different when Clara wasn't around to have a bad influence on him. Or just control him and tell him what he is allowed or not allowed to do.

Lately, I've been seeing him smile more than he ever did with Clara. It seemed like he has been having the best time of his life and I was happy about that.

"And he even decorated the garden for me." I said with a proud smile and Perkyn nodded.

"Once or twice he got tangled in the wires but it was worth it in the end." He said and I laughed.

"I can totally see him doing that."

Perkyn was searching for my eyes, his face turning more serious than ever. His stern look made me hold back my breath.

Why have I been smiling and grinning like an idiot when we were talking about Seeley? Especially in front of Perkyn who liked me?

I was such an asshole.

"Is there something going on between you guys?" He asked and I turned away.

Not because I didn't want to answer him but because I had no idea what to say. The more time I spent with Seeley the more complicated things got. And I didn't like that.

The whole point of having sex from time to time was to not have feelings for each other. But maybe he grew on me even more now that he's been sleeping with me.

"Yes but it's not what you think." I answered quietly and Perkyn sighed.

"I should have known."

"What I have with Seeley is nothing emotional." I turned back to him, looking at him.

Perkyn furrowed his eyebrows and sighed. Deeply.

"How can it be nothing emotional?" He asked, genuinely confused. Then he turned to me with sad eyes. "I don't understand what you're trying to say."

I took a deep breath and tried to collect my thoughts for a second. No matter what I'd say, I still would hurt Perkyn which was the last thing I wanted to do.

Because Perkyn Adaway was a good man and I really liked him. He made me laugh and always did little but nice things for me which was something my ex-boyfriend has never done to me. Perkyn was the complete opposite of him.

But also my heart knew that Perkyn needed my honesty. He deserved it at least.

"I'm not with Seeley." I said. "I just sleep with him sometimes."

It was awkward and embarrassing as hell but I felt the only way Perkyn would understand me was by telling him everything.

Perkyn slowly nodded while his eyes started to clear up.

"So, basically, you are not together but you do things like you were together?" He tried to solve the puzzle and I laughed.

"No, it's just sexual but nothing else." I corrected him. "Nothing more than that."

Perkyn hummed as he started to understand my point then rubbed his hands together.

"I just thought that it was more serious because of the way you two were acting around each other."

I grazed my nails across my face while glancing up at the cloudy sky.

"I hurt him really bad once." I admitted with sadness overtaking my face. "He'd been a close friend of mine and that's why he is still important to me. And I hope I can make it up for him someday."

"By having sex with him." He finished it.

I sighed and took a strand of hair between my fingers.

"But that's not the only reason," I corrected both him and myself. "But it's on the list."

Perkyn was examining my face for a minute while my curiosity was eating me up from inside and the desire also grew with each second to know what was he thinking about.

"So, you don't… love him, right?" He asked carefully.

I didn't even know if I was capable of loving someone ever again.

"No, definitely not." I shook my head.

"Then you can come to the BBQ party." He smiled and I scoffed.

"It wasn't Seeley why I said it wouldn't be a good idea."

"But Seeley would be the only problem." He finished it for me in a happy way. "And now that I know you don't have anything serious with him then I don't need to eat alone my lunches."

Perkyn was too adorable and good for this world.

A part of me was afraid that I'd burn him once, and I already hated myself for it.