Chapter 118: Seo Yeon

I couldn't help myself, especially the way he was looking at me then; like I was so entirely precious to him. But I was so worried about him as well; that idiot was drinking a lot more than usual and loosing his shape and build quickly for someone who was about to take charge of the palace. I had to figure out a way to still keep my distance from him and take care of him at the same time; I got lucky last time when he was barely conscious but I couldn't risk it again...no matter how much I wanted to.

It started slow at first; he found me with ease in my new room and I didn't even say anything to him about it, I couldn't for some reason although I had a stack of excuses in my head ready to warn him away from me. At first I found him on his knees in the rain outside my small room where I worked with such a broken look on his face. When he saw me he looked...scared and tried to walk away...and I caved into my own yearning and I clung onto him by his fingers. He looked at me with such sad wide eyes full of disbelief and shock. He didn't know how to respond to me reaching for him first; so I pulled him gently into my room. I had some girls set up a bed on the other side of the room and to serve the hot food and tea that I had just made. I then processed to undress him a little before covering him with a lot of spare blankets and cloths that I had and I sat him down next to the fire. I was so lost in taking care of him I didn't even realise how close I was to him...and the way he was looking at me and taking in everything I was doing...before he put his thick arms around my waist and pulled me in for a hug.

I froze at first; not knowing what to do since he was always keeping me at a distance for so long...but he completely buried himself in my chest, as if he was searching for warmth. I then enveloped him into my arms, stroking his hair and rubbings all his limbs so he would stop shivering. He clung onto me so hard, unaware of his strength..but I didn't mind. In fact, I wanted him to never let go of me...and he didn't. After a while I took his face into my hands as I wiped away his tears gently before he grabbed me by the hair suddenly and pulled me in for a really hard uncontrollable kiss like he was trying to suck the air and warmth from inside me. I was too shocked to do anything, even when his hands began to wander under my clothes. I was trying to process what what happening until I realised that he was so caught between his anger and love for me that he was really out of control.

His intensity scared me for a moment and I tried to run to the door but he held me in a tight embrace from behind me so I couldn't resist. He accidentally brushed up on one of my old scars and I couldn't help whimper a little. He heard it and pinned me to the wall and turned me around so violently that I almost fell to my knees. That arrogant jerk then proceeded to lift up my top enough to see the scars on my back. I closed my eyes...and waited for his angry violent reaction. And he didn't disappoint me either; he began smashing everything he could in his sight once again just like when he took me out to fly the kites. I just sat in the corner and waited for it to be over, and I just watched him get angrier and angrier until I couldn't take it anymore and I ran to embrace him to make him stop. But he was so lost in his rage that it took a while for him to calm down. I held him close to me and apologised to him over and over again, trying to make me face him until...until I cupped his face in my hands and I kissed him...harder than I had intended...and for far longer than I meant to...with all of my built up emotions. I tried to walk away after that but he wasn't having any of it; he kissed me again and again until we were both breathless.

I tried, I really tried with everything within me to stay away from him but I couldn't. Seon-Ho was...a completely different person now that his father was seen as a traitor to the nation. As much as we loved each other...and were falling for each other more and more we both felt guilty and contained. And we were engaged now yes, but not even his touch could completely cure me from my depression...and what I needed to do to clear myself from it. I still wasn't talking much but I promised him that he could take me home soon whenever he asked me. I refused to leave the gibang, but putting myself through the routine of a wife helped me a lot, but it wasn't easy. He used burst into my rom whenever he wanted, drag me up from my bed, bathe me, dress me, feed me, and make me him him as well. If he was busy with work then he would ask Hui-Je or Hwa-Wol to help me, but my silence still agitated him. He had me when he he wanted me and I never denied him but...my lack of usual affection was really disturbing him. I knew he knew...from the way he looked at me that he knew I was afraid to give it to him...I guess that's the reason why he did what he did...just to get that out of me...

At first he was getting too close to Da-In which greatly hurt and angered me, although I tried to keep as silent as I could, to remember why I was doing this at all. She flirted with him as usual...but this time he played right into it, even going so far as to spend time with her in the main room for all to see. I would follow them, spy on them and I would hear her complain endlessly about the life she was subjected to without him to gain his sympathy and attention. Seon-Ho gave her all the right answers, the right looks and the right amount of sympathy...but it was me that he hd his eyes on the whole time; he knew I was spying on him and he didn't say anything about it. This went on for a while before she tried to seduce him in her own bed in front of me! He smiled at her and told her that he had to wake up early to be at the palace tomorrow; he had been staying in my room for a while and got the minister to renovate it with furniture, running water and so on. He stated at me while I undressed him and asked me if I was going to continue being stubborn. I just asked him if he had a nice time with the kisengs and he pulled my hair into his hands so I could receive his answer with the glare he gave me. He knew I still wouldn't talk so he didn't bother answering me back. He then proceeded to drink the cup of milk I gave him overnight before bed and threw it against the wall before going to bed.

The next day he came straight from the palace and insisted rather loudly that he was here to visit the kisengs only without stepping into my room to get changed. He started to make a fuss to the ministers about how they all needed now outfits and renovations in their own rooms as well as pay rises and so on. It was completely tearing me apart; he was a very handsome man and lots of women were throwing themselves at him. But only a fool like theses kisengs wouldn't know why he was doing this. He was trying with all his might to make me jealous and possessive over him like I always have been deep down inside...and it was working.

But I tried my hardest not to give into it; when he was with the kisengs and they all provoked me as his wife, I let them be with a smile on his face. And before he could say anything I walked away with tears running down my face, feeling his intense stare behind me. The next day I heard them talk about how they still hadn't had a chance to see the inside of our room yet, so I walked up to them just as he showed up and I suggested that they could see it with him to their heart's content while I moved into one of their rooms. His face dropped in fury as I made my way out to get some fresh air but he followed me into the courtyard and pushed me against the wall and asked me what the hell I was doing. I countered him with the same question; what exactly was he doing with these kisengs after we were now at leat psychically married. For the past month he had been indulging them all wherever possible and getting Da-In's hopes of of there being a relationship between them. But before I gave him the chance to explain himself I told him clearly with my own words that I was going through something that I didn't want to tell anybody yet and it was something I had to take car of my own. And if was going to continue doing this to me then me might has well stay with them whilst I go someplace else. With that he grabbed my arm so hard that he dug his nails into them and told me that there was no way he was going to let me deal with it on my own. Tears of gratitude fell from my face but I pushed his hand way and I told him that what I discovered about myself could potentially put him off me for life, so it was better for him to move on from me when he could.

That statement left him in shock as I continued t make my way to the market more dressed up than I had been for a while. He took one look at me and pulled me inside and pleaded with me to really tell him what was going on. The look he got from my face told him that I would go as far as could to deal with it; even if it cost me my life...but he also saw the look on my face when Da-In walked in. I had been silent for a reason but that bitch had been getting on my nerves since the day I had arrived. And right now I wouldn't mind unleashing my anger to help prevent it from totally consuming me.