Regardless, There Are Better Things To Do. (18.2)

…

"You caused a scare when no one could find you this morning, Hikigaya." Orimoto had a habit of showing up when she was needed. That was how she'd been in elementary school. She volunteered to talk, to clean, and do just about everything. I should've known that she hadn't changed much from when I sat across her while working for the Student Council. I was the one who watched people like her go on with life and watched their backs get ever-smaller. "Don't you know it's bad manners to leave your host's house without saying goodbye?"

"…I didn't want to wake anyone up." I tried to put some of my usual tone in my voice, but I felt too tired. Visiting graves and introspection weren't things I considered to be tiring activities, however I knew better now. Both were exhausting. I forced myself to look towards my fellow castaway and give her a greeting. "It's early, Orimoto."

"It's only early if you slept, Hikigaya." Orimoto tried to giggle and smile, but she wasn't able to manage it. She was focused on a mission. Her Skill let her focus on one path and make it into reality through zeal and single-mindedness. I had an idea of what her current goal was now. It was probably along the lines of "make Hikigaya normal again." A simple and decent plan that was doomed to fail. I'm sorry, Orimoto, but you should really consider less impossible goals than that. Dropping the "again" clause will help you out a lot. She looked me over and lost her smile very quickly. "Are you alright, Hikigaya? Did the Amulet work?"

"It did." It definitely worked. Never before did I feel the weight of every thought I had instead of just my most persistent ones. 250 million Valis spent so I could know that I was fine with people dying to make my life easier. Best money I'd ever spent in my entire life. Would buy again. Would definitely recommend to all my friends and family. All the prolonged introspection a person could ever want right at the start of their day. Some existential dread too, but that really depended on your life circumstances. You'd have a lot of that if you were sent to another world filled with gods by something more powerful than them. Side-effects are lack of caring for everything besides sarcasm and a habit of training child soldiers for your own goals. "Better than I thought it would."

"…It doesn't look like that from here, Hikigaya." Orimoto wasn't pleased with my answers. My former classmate made that clear by stepping in front of the grave. Huh, I had been looking at it again. She pressed a finger against my chest. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "Look at you. You're barely dressed and you don't look like you've eaten in days." I didn't remember the last time I ate either. Nourish tended to take care of a lot of issues. I wouldn't put it past myself to save Valis or time by using Nourish instead. At the very least, I was sure that I bathed regularly. "You look terrible."

"…" What could I say? Orimoto had spent an enormous amount of time and effort to bring me back from the brink. Yet, my former classmate found herself haranguing me instead of resting. Obviously, she didn't consider whatever goal she had in mind finished. I hoped it wasn't something tied to me. Orimoto, you really need to be more considerate of your future. Don't waste time. She met my gaze resolutely and crossed her arms. Some parts of her clothes were frayed and blackened from yesterday. "…My apologies."

Orimoto examined me. My former classmate dissected me. She took in my posture, my words, and my actions. She referenced that with everything she knew of me. With a glance, she discerned what I felt and why I felt it.

Orimoto's hand struck my face. I tasted blood in my mouth. She took all my attention for herself. My eyes and thoughts were only on her.

Tears were in her eyes.

"I can't believe how selfish you are. How terrible you are." Orimoto's words were what I expected. Yes. Those are the words I deserved to hear. It was good that she knew. No matter how much the words hurt, they were true. I could live on that. I could understand that. I could accept that— "Do you know how many friends I've lost? How many people I've seen die, Hikigaya!?" Her hand rose and struck me again just as her new words reached me. No. It wasn't disdain and disgust I was hearing. It was anger, almost hatred, which accentuated her words. I could only continue to stare and listen to her. "Dozens! Children, adults, elders! Lovers and husbands and wives! In Rivira, people died every day even when I took control of it!"

Orimoto grasped me by my lapel and pulled me down. My former classmate's hands were trembling. Her eyes were dripping pools and she wasn't looking at me. Her hands were right over my heart. It was almost as though she was trying to make sure I was breathing. Rivira, before Orimoto, had mostly been filled with Level 1s. Criminals and people with nothing to lose went there to try out a life that resembled normality. They risked their lives every day for the most meagre of supplies. She had been there. That was where she'd been "born" as an adventurer. A place where there was no safety, where tomorrow could be the day you lose someone, and where she'd lived for years. All the while, I had been in Orario biding my time waiting safely.

"You don't think you can be happy, Hikigaya? That's a mistake. That's a terrible, terrible mistake." Orimoto could barely speak, but she pushed through her memories and pain to look at and address me. I was struck by feelings I'd thought buried and never wanted to acknowledge again. I didn't want Orimoto to feel this much sorrow. That thought was accompanied with another I didn't want to acknowledge. I didn't want anyone I knew to ever feel how Orimoto felt at this moment. "Being happy with others, even if we're going to leave one day, is the only thing that'll let you and I ever keep going." My former classmate looked at me, struggling to speak, and I wiped away tears from her eyes with my only hand without a thought. I almost missed her last words. "You and I may never reach the end, Hikigaya."

"We will." The words, heedless of everything Orimoto had tried to tell me, left my mouth. They were the words of someone who couldn't accept the possibility of not making it to the end. A core part of me believed in that fact. It took in danger with a steady gaze and determined the assets needed to progress. Regardless of my former classmate's words, I felt that I had to correct her instead of heeding her words. That was wrong. I knew that it was wrong, but I couldn't accept it. "Orimoto, listen—"

"No, you listen, Hikigaya Hachiman!" Orimoto pushed me away and pressed a hand against her own heart. "I want to go home too! I want to see my family, my friends, and everyone I care about as well! I want to reach the end and go back home! I'm not just giving up!" I hadn't meant to imply she didn't, but I guessed I must have through some way or another. My former classmate stood before me with resolve that I didn't know if I could ever match. "But, no matter how much we've been changed, we're still only human like everyone else! We can die, we can get hurt, and we might never get back home. Just like every other Adventurer in Orario."

And, that was the problem wasn't it?

Just like every other Adventurer in Orario.

That was where Orimoto was completely right and where I was utterly wrong. While my former classmate thought of every person she met as a person, I didn't. While she grieved over the people she lost, I considered them faceless and unneeded. While she had to work with others just to survive, I chose who I wanted to bring into the fold carefully and meticulously. While she's seen dozens of those she's cared for die and cared for each one, I've seen only six die and there was only one of them who I wanted to bring back.

Again, as I should have expected, Orimoto and I lived and grew up in two different worlds.

"We're just normal people, Hikigaya. You, me, and everyone else heading into the Dungeon." Orimoto's plea was something I had to force myself to listen to and accept. My former classmate must have suspected how I thought of others. I'd never thought it to be a problem, but apparently it must have been if it was able to hide how I truly felt from myself. A long time ago I realized that I was treating Lyon as nothing more than a stand-in for Yukinoshita. Now, I came to conclude that I'd never truly considered anyone in Orario as a real person. If I had, then I was sure we wouldn't be having this conversation. "We're not heroes or anyone special. We're only who we are and nothing more." Orimoto took a step back. She was waiting for a response from me. I didn't know what I could say. I didn't even know what to think. She took my hand. "Hikigaya, don't turn away people who care about you, just because they won't be with you forever."

Then, Orimoto left me before Laulos' grave without another word.

…

What happens in the end of stories? Typically, the hero goes on to live the rest of their lives peacefully and happily until the sequel comes long. They walk away into the sunset or watch it with all their friends and allies by their side. They kiss with their main love interest, showing that the romance revealed during the climax wasn't due to the heat of the moment, and maybe show off that that they have a child while living together in the future. Some other characters are spoken about, fan favorites or important side-characters, who have their epilogues revealed for the sake of closure. Everyone lives happily and well.

Of course, there are the stories where the hero dies at the end. The stories where a hero becomes a hero by proving that he was selfless and just by sacrificing himself for everyone. The sort of story that people love to taut around as exceptional and grand. The happy ending was for everyone else. The hero's happiness was knowing that everyone else would be happy because of his decision. The hero gives up everything and gives it all away for the people that he cared about. Everyone, because of the hero, lives happily and well.

Neither was an option for me, because I would either die trying to reach the end or get home and leave everyone behind.

Orimoto realized this fact long before I did, but instead of latching onto the latter she grasped at the former and held on with all her might. While I decided that I would prepare for success, she decided to live while knowing that she may never succeed. While I distanced myself, she did her best to connect with everyone she could. She and I couldn't be any more different from one another.

She did her best to live without regret.

I did my best to live avoiding regret.

But, in the end, didn't my path lead me to where I was now?

Wasn't I before a grave, unable to do anything, after I had tried to cast everyone who cared about me away?

Didn't I regret everything, now?

I did.

...