26.9.2018

Maybe one day you'll be reading this, but I hope not. It's been nine months and 26 days, a little more than that, since you had your arms around me. It was that night that I really realized that I'm still not over you. And that I never will. For five years I have been telling myself that, me always thinking of you, is just a faze. That my heart never belonged to you. I kept telling myself that I loved my ex-boyfriend, and where am I now?

I haven't heard from you in months.

The day before new years, the day that we went out for a drink, that was the last time I saw you. Did you plan all that? Did you know we were going to make love? Did you know I was going to betray everything that I believed in? Did you know I was going to cheat on him?

I'm sure you knew. You knew all of that. But did you know that I would't done that if I weren't in love with you?

I never told you how I felt. How could I? You dated my best-friend. You slept with me. You made me a terrible, terrible person. But I can't blame that all on you. It was my fault too.

I was way too young to know the traps of love. And you were way older than me to not tell me what consequences our actions may have. But I was so drunk on you. But at first it wasn't love, no.

It was sexual tension, that feeling that we were doing something that we should't. That got me really drunk. And I gave it all to that felling.

I helped you cheat on my best-friend, I lied with you, I smoked with you. You changed me so much that summer five years ago. I was always a good girl, always. I was so innocent when I meet you.

And maybe that's why I'm still stuck on you, because you made me feel thinks that nobody has, you made different. I didn't have to pretend that I was good, because you weren't. We were making a lot of bad mistakes, and I, being very insecure and hard on myself about making mistakes, finally felt like someone really saw me.

And you did. You saw me. At least I think you did. You never told me how you felt either. But that didn't stop us from seeing each other, being on and off for years. And maybe that is why I'm now so obsessed with you. Maybe that's why I'm totally convinced that I was born for you, that you are my soulmate.

Because every time we stopped, we found a way back.

But now, times changed.

You're engaged. And I don't know how to cope.