28.9.2018

These letters are becoming a habit now. I wrote almost every day, some letters are not even worth mentioning, they're just a mess of words that describe this feeling for you.

I saw someone today that I was attracted to. That didn't happened since the last time I was with you. But it was just a moment. Then you came crashing into my brain. The attraction was forgotten, only you remained.

Is this the first step getting over you?

Is this the first sign that I'm finally healing? 

I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to get over you, to forget this feelings.

That is all I have left. This is the only thing that can remind me, that what you and I had, was real.

I don't have any pictures of us, no letters, no proof. I try so hard to hold on to our memories. But the time we shared together were so long ago.

The memories are fading.

However feelings don't. I still remember your voice when u said my name, I still remember your smell, your smile and your laugh.

But it's getting really hard to picture your straight face, it's getting really hard to hold on to those details of us, that happened over the years.

I wish love faded like memories.

I wish I was fine.

And I am fine. Most of the time. I'm fine when I have something to do. I'm fine when I'm hanging out with friends.

But when I'm alone, or when I zone out, and I do that a lot, then there is always you.

And I don't dream of you. I dream about things you did to me, you hands, your look on me that made my knees weak. I dream of situations involving possessiveness from you, because that little bit of jealousy always turned me on.

You were perfect for me.

You are perfect.

It's just getting really hard to resist the urge to write to you, to call you.To come clean to you, to just tell you how I feel, show you these letters.

But I can't. Mainly for two reasons.

1. I can't ruin your happiness.  Maybe I wouldn't but I don't want to start a fight between you and your .... fiancé. 

2. Because I'm just too scared of rejection and humiliations. I don't want you to see me weak. I don't want you to see me struggling. I want to

be fine, like you.

I want to move and and fall in love, like you.

I want to have that what we had, with someone else.

I just want to love again.

But how could I? I'm not even attracted to boys other that you. How can I give someone the change if you're always in my mind, telling me how that someone isn't like you.

How can I waste someone else's time if I don't know if it's going to work.

I just can't. No-one will have that kind of patience with me.

Messed up girls don't attract good boys.

Why did you build up my expectation so high? 

Why did you messed me up so bad?

Why did you make me so obsessed?

Why did you make me fall in love with you?

Why me?

Why do evenings make me so depressed? Maybe because I have another night to endure without you.

I still love you like I'm obsessed.

I hope you realize that you were born for me just like I was born for you.

Even if it isn't true.