Ch 28 True Confessions

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The next several days were lonely ones. They reminded Lily of those long months last year when she and Severus hadn't been speaking. It was a feeling exacerbated by how she had yet to receive any owls from him or his alter ego.

Still, She tried to focus on enjoying herself as best as she could. She wasn't going to be like one of those clingy, obsessive girlfriends. She was a strong, modern, independent young woman of the 70's, after all.

So, even though it felt like life was unfair for making Severus go on his apprenticeship so soon after they had gotten together, she stayed busy. She kept in touch with her Hogwarts friends and helped her mom with the housework and yard-work.

Still, she had more than enough time to herself to respond to Perseus' letter.

"I just don't get it...Why is Severus so determined to blame himself for his mum's death?" Lily just couldn't understand how he could be so stubborn about this. Eileen had been the one to do the deed, and Tobias had surely driven her to it, so how could Severus find fault in himself for it?

"It's not his bloody fault. Sev should know this." Tossing the letter to the side for the moment, Lily flopped back on her bed, rumpling the blankets up even more than usual.

It was quite the irony. Somehow, even with the benefit of magic, her bed was always left unmade, while Petunia's looked as if dust was afraid to get near it. Drumming her fingers on a nearby book, she muttered, "I'd ask Petunia for help with Severus, but she's too-"

"Why don't you want to talk with Petunia?" asked Marigold, causing Lily to jump.

She hadn't heard her come in.

As if realizing this, Marigold pointed at the open door. "Sorry, I would have knocked, but there didn't seem to be much point."

"Uh, that's okay. As for Petunia...honestly, she's too Petunia for my tastes."

"I see...well, if Petunia's too Petunia, then maybe your mother could shed some light." Seating herself on the edge of the bed, Marigold offered her youngest an inviting smile.

Lily bit her lip. Although she had said she wanted someone to talk to, this was something Severus had privately shared with her. Still, she trusted her mother to keep a secret, so... "You see, it involves Sev's mum..."

It took almost thirty minutes for Lily to explain the whole story, the words pouring out of her while her mother listened. By the end, she was ranting. "...so he still thinks that he's a horrible, horrible person, even though none of it is his fault. I just don't understand why! I mean, if it's anybody's fault, it's his father's for treating her like dirt!"

Marigold patted her daughter on the back, her eyebrows knitting in thought. "Hmm...Maybe he thinks he should have protected his mother from Mr. Snape?"

Lily shook her head. "If that's the case, then he's mad. He's away from home almost nine months a year. Beyond that, until this January, he wasn't allowed to do magic, and I've seen Tobias. He makes Petunia's boyfriend look like a runt!"

"Then perhaps Severus thinks he should have opted for a more...permanent solution?"

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Mum, I'm sure he tried to talk his mother into leaving Tobias...or wait...no, do you mean killing him?"

Marigold gave Lily a level look. "I'm not saying that it would have been the right thing to do, but maybe it's something Severus thinks he should have done. And perhaps he thinks it was the only option, given his situation."

"I don't know..." whispered Lily. Certainly, Tobias Snape was a horrible human being, but he didn't deserve murder.

"I suppose that Severus is the only one who would know. I'm just guessing myself," admitted Marigold with a shake of her head. "For all I can say, maybe he thinks he should have spent more time watching soaps with her."

"That sounds ridiculous."

"Either way, I don't have the answer.

"Then perhaps Severus is the one I should..." Lily paused, giving her mother a weighing look. Something smelled fishy. "Wait, was this some sort of mother's lesson to talk to my friend directly if they're confusing me?"

"Might've been," said Marigold, chuckling.

"Alright, fair enough. I'll try to ask Severus about it. It's just so hard to really talk to him sometimes."

"Well, if you can't talk to the young man, it might be hard to be in a romantic relationship with him." said Marigold, giving Lily a significant look.

Lily made a face, but nodded all the same. "Alright, I'll make sure to talk to him. Now, let's see, how to reply..."

Her mother left soon after that, leaving Lily to the writing of her letter.

She never noticed the thick brown book sitting on Lily's bed, nor the embossed golden title reading: 'Magic of Malice: Dark and Depraved Hexes."

Dear Perseus,

It has been quite a while since we spoke. It feels like more than two years, in fact!

I have not been reading much of Shadows of Magic lately, and in fact heard its author is currently in Azkaban for multiple murders.

That said, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on the Dark Arts.

Whatever I may think of Dark Magic, or what it might be capable of, I can't see where your study of them has caused you to be any worse than an insufferable git.

Now, before I forget...CONGRATULATIONS!

I'm so glad to hear about your Potions apprenticeship! I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job. Good luck, not that you need it! I still remember our little competitions from earlier this year. (Were they really so recent? It's hard to believe).

All that said, I want you to know this especially, Perseus. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. Whatever you may think about yourself, you're a good person. You have a wonderful future ahead of him, and I am honored to call you friend.

Your friend,

Medusa

The next day was the day of the planned Europe Trip. Lily was ready, having prepared carefully. She had volunteered to clean the living room that day, and in the process of doing so, planted two Dark Arts books in sufficiently obvious yet innocuous places for Edric Potter's spotting.

Mary's plan would soon come to fruition...something that still bothered her to think about. It seemed...sleazy.

Partially in an effort to avoid thinking too hard about it, she was busy reading the Daily Prophet. It was discussing what had happened the week prior.

...since last week, a pall has fallen over the people of wizarding Britain.

Some feel that the attacks signify that the Death Eaters are intent upon putting their leader into power by force if necessary. Those individuals claim that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has ordered these attacks as a sign that since the Ministry refuses to bow to his whims, then he will aim to achieve his aims through murder and terror.

However, others claim differently, saying that the 'Dark Lord' is not responsible for the deaths , and they are merely acts by extremist members of the Death Eaters...

Lily wondered how those who believed the attacks weren't ordered by Voldemort could even put their pants on in the morning. A group so defined by loyalty to their lord would surely make certain to be doing what he wanted.

Clearly, Voldemort was behind these attacks.

Equally certain was that someday soon, he would have to be stopped.

Her musings were interrupted by a loud crack, signaling the Potters' arrival.

As her mother let them inside, playing the gracious host, Lily took a deep breath. "Sorry mom, but I won't be going to Europe."

It was time to put Mary's plan into motion.

"Hey, Lily!" James was exuberant, waving at her like the proverbial schoolboy as he came in. His messy hair had been slicked down for a change, gleaming like his toothy grin.

"Hey, James." Lily offered him a tentative wave back. He might be a large part of why she was in this mess, but that didn't mean that she should be mad at him. Spotting Sirius coming in behind, she smiled at him as well. "Hey to you too."

"Hey, Evans." There was a bit of a surly note to Sirius' voice, and the expression on his face was just north of a glower. "So, you all ready to go, or do we have to wait for you to get your girl stuff?"

Lily blinked. He was angry with her, and she had no idea why. "Uh... it'll be just a few minutes."

It was at that moment that Edric finally managed to escape her mother's welcome. Adjusting his glasses, he peered at her in a solemn manner. "Hello again, Miss Evans. Are you ready to go then?"

"Just about. Please, have a seat," said Lily politely, waving him toward a well-stuffed armchair.

This one in particular had a Dark Arts books sitting right in front of it, open to a treatise on the uses of human liver in various potions. If he spotted it, given his hatred of the Dark Arts, he'd surely refuse to let her so much as come within ten yards of his son, and the Europe trip would be a thing of the past.

It was all but perfect...save for making Lily feel like she'd swallowed a live trout.

However, Edric shook his head. "No need, I can stand. I won't be here long anyway. Just want to see my dear Jamie off."

"But surely you must be a bit tired, your old bones and all," cajoled Lily.

"Lay off him, Lily," said James, his grin showing that he didn't mean it. "He may not look it, but my father's a tough old man. He even joined the fight against Grindlewald."

"You fought against Grindlewald?" With his bald patch, and thin, frail appearance, he certainly didn't look like a fighter.

But then, she'd seen some Muggle veterans of the First World War who looked much the same. So...

"Yes, I fought. I like to think that I may have made Albus Dumbledore's job a trifle easier in the end. When darkness gathers, everybody must do their part. Just like my Jamie," he said, giving his son a pat on the shoulder. "It's easy to hide, but only by everyone gathering up their courage to fight can good triumph."

Lily couldn't help but feel shame blossom in her chest. Edric had risked his life to stop a madman. And she was trying to deceive him."Courage is important indeed...even though it's so hard sometimes."

"That's when it's most important of all." He gave her a solemn look. "This new Dark Lord, he strikes me much the same as Grindlewald, and if the good and brave do not fight, I fear he will triumph."

"I'm sure both Lily and I will fight!" said James with a reckless grin, pumping his fist. "Sirius too!"

"Hey! What do you mean 'Sirius too'!? When it happens, I'm going to be right in the thick of it!"

"The Marauders will surely put on a brave showing indeed!" said James, affecting a pompous tone. Then he winked at her. "And surely, Lady Evans will be there to aid us. Cleverest witch of her generation, after all!"

"Yes, I surely will," murmured Lily, glancing down at the Dark Arts book laying before him. Any second one of them would discover it and the plan would come together.

She felt like such a coward.

"Indeed, Miss Evans. From my experience, you are a smart young woman with strong convictions," said Edric, bobbing his head in a rather birdlike manner. "I admit I was concerned about you and my son traveling all but alone in Europe, given my experience with what happens when boy and girls of your ages are left unsupervised. Why when I was your age..."

Marigold tittered at that. She'd evidently come in unnoticed at some point.

Edric chuckled as well. "...well, I think my dear Jamie would rather not know about that particular tale. As such, I will simply say that I have faith in you and my son to make smart choices."

Her shame would no longer let her wait idly while deceiving them. Consequences or no, she had to tell them. "Edric, I...I need to tell you something."

"Yes?"

However, before she could say anything more, James gave her a soft smile, saying, "Lily, I've been really looking forward to this. You coming with means a lot to me."

His caramel eyes were so earnest and sincere that Lily felt like crying. "I...I'm so sorry..."

"Lily, what's wrong?" asked James in alarm.

Lily couldn't look at him. "I'm sorry, James. I'm so sorry. I...I won't be coming. I'll make up for it, but...I just can't do it."

"Oh for the love of Merlin!" shouted Sirius, making everyone jump. "If it's not one thing with you, it's another. First you put it off, then your mom, now this!" Taking a deep breath, he growled out. "I'll be outside when this whole ridiculousness is over with."

Marigold let out a sigh, shaking her head. "Lily, we've already been over this. Plans have been made, money has been spent. You can't just change your mind last minute."

Her mom's words made her feel like a recalcitrant child, but Lily was firm nonetheless. "I'm sorry, mum. It would be...a betrayal of Severus. I can't do it."

"Severus? Who's Severus?" asked Edric, a befuddled look upon his face. He seemed utterly thrown by what was going on.

"She means Snape," said James, almost spitting the name. "He's a dark-arts obsessed little worm of a boy who follows her around everywhere."

"For the last time, James, he's not like that." Turning to Edric, Lily said, "He's my boyfriend, and I don't feel comfortable going to Europe with James-"

"Your boyfriend! When...what...how!" spluttered out James, interrupting her. "You said, I thought that we..."

"Ohhh..." Edric gave both her and James an understanding look, before turning to Marigold and muttering something that sounded like 'give them privacy'.

As the two adults left the room, Lily turned to James.

The boy in question had an expression on his face like he'd discovered that his worst nightmares were coming true.

Lily couldn't help but grimace. She didn't want to go to Europe with him, but that didn't mean she'd wanted to hurt him, and she certainly hadn't wanted him to find out like this. "I'm sorry James. Severus and I have been seeing each other since just before the term ended. He's my boyfriend now."

"That...that's not true. You're joking, right?" he said weakly. "Come on, it has to be a prank of some kind. You can't be serious, you can't..."

"It's not a prank, James," said Lily, trying to keep her voice as gentle as she could manage. He looked so fragile that he might shatter at the slightest blow. "He and I are together. He's my boyfriend. I'm sorry, I can't go with you." Tentatively, she patted him on the shoulder. "We can still be friends-"

"No! No, no, no, no!" James once again interrupted her, the words tearing his mouth in little shrieks. "Don't say that! We're not 'just friends'! There's more. There has to be!" Suddenly, his eyes narrowed. "Do you love him?"

"What?"

"Do you love him?" he repeated, enunciating the words slowly and clearly. "Even if you do, you have to understand. He's been obsessed with you for a long time. He doesn't love you. He wants to lock you away like a favorite toy...but I love you."

He gave a soft, tremulous smile, placing a hand upon her cheek. "Every day I find myself thinking of you. I wonder what you like, what you dream of. I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you so tight. I want to take away every pain I can, giving you nothing but happiness and joy."

Slowly, his every movement tentative, he drew closer, his lips mere inches away from her own.

"No, James!" She backed away.

"But..." He looked as if she had slapped him.

"No, I can't...we can't..." Taking a deep breath to compose herself, she said in a stronger voice, "Severus is my boyfriend. I'm his girlfriend...and I...and I...I love him!"

Those three little words came out in a rush, stunning even her.

James jerked away from her, his eyes wild. "No, you can't!"

"I...I love Severus." whispered Lily, tasting the words as she said them again. They felt right on her tongue, sweet like melting chocolate. "I do."

"You can't...it's not supposed to go like this." James looked at her, his eyes hollow and broken. "After everything...how can it end like this? You were supposed...to love me. I did so much..." Then he paused, his eyes narrowing into slits as he growled out. "Sirius was right, wasn't he?"

"Sirius?" Lily stared at him. What did Sirius have to do with anything?

James started to laugh, a harsh mirthless sound. "He was right all along. He told me you were leading me on, using me, but I didn't listen."

Lily just stared at him. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I wasn't leading anyone on!"

"Even if you weren't, it doesn't matter...I never had a chance against...that bastard." Right then, he looked older than his father, grey and tired. "Yeah, I've made enough of a fool of myself for one day. I'll get going. You...you take care of yourself, alright?"

She nodded, hoping he would be okay. "I will. We can still be friends, if you-"

"No," He shook his head firmly. "Us being 'just friends' is not going to happen, it's more of a joke than your boyfriend. I love you and want you far too much to be satisfied with that, and I'm not going to hang around like a lovesick puppy hoping you'll change your mind. Not again. So...goodbye. I'll see you around, Evans."

"You, too...Potter."

And then he walked out the door, not looking back.

For some time, she simply sat there, staring at the door.

Just like that, it was the end of any chance at a relationship with James Potter.

She wasn't sure how she felt about it. He had been exciting, romantic, and cute, very cute. She had found him attractive indeed, a dashing hero, or perhaps a pirate of some sort. Maybe he would have made her very happy.

But he wasn't worth losing Severus.

Eventually, her mother and Edric returned from the kitchen. Apparently, they had come to an agreement as to handle the cost of the trip she would miss. She would have to pay for a portion of the costs, of course. But she could do it after she graduated, over time.

She didn't mind, it was only fair. More importantly, it was right. With her head held high, she bid farewell to what might have been.

And if James Potter had taken that opportunity to leave her life in peace, she might have kept those fond memories of the young man.

However, if he had taken that opportunity, he wouldn't have been James Potter.