Ass Guard

[AN: The chapter title is obviously a typo. It was funny so I left it in…]

The dwarves planet was as cool looking as it was in the movie. That said, I couldn't for the life of me, wrap my head around why the dwarves had turned their planet into a series of rings around their star. The 'how's' didn't even matter since I knew magic bullshitery existed in some form in this universe. It wasn't too far fetched to imagine a slew of ways that dwarves could turn a planet into a ring. 

Gabriel, Ophis, and I hovered in the space just outside of the stagnant rings. Like the third Thor movie the star was shut off and the rings were not moving. I could feel a few faint traces of life, that let me know that Thanos hasn't killed all the dwarves for some dumb shit reason. Teleporting to the surface of one of the rings Gabriel began looking around while Ophis and I observed the cold forges and a few bars of dark grey metal. 

'That must be Uru or whatever the fuck…' 

I tactically acquired several dozen bars and stashed them in my hammer space. Ophis looked at me curiously so I explained what I was doing. 

"I'm curious, I want to take a few pieces to see if I can make stuff out of them later." 

She just stared at me blankly before going back to being a koala on my shoulders. I heard some clanking as something shifted in a pile of scraps not far from where I was standing. Gabriel returned to my side and eyed the stirring pile of bent metal. 

A looming shape emerged with a pained groan. The figure stood at nearly twenty feet tall. A small part of me was annoyed at something daring to be larger than me. I crushed it down not wanting to feed my godly ego just yet. There was a time and a place for such things and facing a species that had potentially just been shafted by a purple asshat wasn't one of them. 

I recognised the dwarf almost instantly, I had watched Game of Thrones up until the sixth season after all and I wasn't unfamiliar with Peter Dinklage's face. Still it was strange seeing the titanic dwarf wearing the face of a vertically challenged actor. 

"Eitri I presume?" 

The gigantic dwarf rumbled a reply that I didn't understand, closing my eyes I focused on the fabric of reality and made it so that I understood the dwarves language. Then I proceeded to play back what Eitri had said. 

"Aye, who are you?" 

"I," I paused, debating whether I should tell the dwarf who I really was, not seeing a problem I did, "My name isn't important, I have many after all. What I am is a Primordial God." 

"A god? Like  those Asgardians?" Eitri hissed.

I scoffed, "No offense to them but they're hardly divine. They're merely the clones of the true Asgardians who made them to avoid Ragnarök."

"What do you want godling."

Beating down my annoyance again, I replied to the question. 

"I recently crushed a purple ape beneath my heel for being a stupid bastard, from the make of his little glove I presumed that he had attacked you. Seeing that Asgard hadn't fallen I was curious to see why they didn't intervene and help you, their so called vassals." 

"You know of many things… we were attacked by Thanos and his fleet. After forcing me to create his weapon he slaughtered half my people. I too, am wondering why Asgard never came to our aid." 

"I'm checking on them next, after I help your people out of course." 

"You would help us? You hardly know us." 

"Yeah but I feel like I owe you for the Uru." 

"You took our metal?" There was a hint of anger in the dwarfs voice 

"Call it just compensation for the aid I am going to provide." 

Before the dwarf could protest some more I cast a silencing charm on him and closed my eyes. Focusing my power I pushed my senses out and felt for the dissipating energies left behind by the dead dwarves. 

Using a bit of magic and a sliver of my divine power I resurrected the thousands of diseased dwarves. A wave of palpable power washed over recently resurrected dwarves as I restored their bodies to healthy states. Hearing some shouts of pain I made a mental note to fix the bodies before bringing them back to life the next time I went and did this.

Eitri had been ranting about something silently up until his dead peoples started getting up as if nothing had happened. He was now gaping at me while Gabriel was poking at his large boot to try and snap him out of his daze. 

"Who are you to wield such power?" He asked after a moment. 

"Didn't I tell you? I'm a Primordial God. Resurrecting the dead is child's play for me. I'm pretty sure my demigod children would be capable of the same feat, though not in such a grand scale." 

"You truly are a god?" 

"Is it so hard to believe?" 

"I- I apologise for my lack of respect Lord." 

"Ah think nothing of it, I hate it when people grovel. Makes me feel dirty for some reason." 

"How can my people thank you?" 

"Some tips and tricks about forging with Uru would be nice. I only took the metal so I can compare it to the Uru that I'll be creating. Unique metals from this universe come with interesting effects that I haven't seen before." 

It was true, nothing in the DxD/HP world had similar effects to Uru, Vibranium, or Adamantium. Those metals were unique to the Marvel universe as far as I was aware. 

"While I usually would have apprehensions about sharing knowledge with a stranger, you have returned the lives of my people. That alone makes you a friend of Niðavellir, you will always be welcome here."

"I appreciate the gesture Eitri, I'll be leaving for Asgard in a few hours. Have anyone that still has some injuries come to me or one of my companions for healing." 

"The one that's been poking my foot since you arrived is capable of healing magic?" 

I looked over to Gabriel who was now pouting, smiling at the Seraph I nodded. 

"She is one of my first children, she is capable of miraculous feats herself though she is much more curious than her siblings." 

"Mister Eitri, why are you so tall?" Gabriel asked. 

Eitri chuckled, "When we converted our planet into this set of rings gravity was reduced. This led to my people eventually growing larger than our ancestors." 

I didn't know if that was really why he was the size of an average two story house or just an excuse he cooked up on the spot. It was plausible though, less gravity did tend to have some significant effects on a flesh and blood body. I remembered reading something about astronauts having some wacky reactions to earth's gravity after spending months in zero G. 

"Gabriel, will you help heal the injured?" 

"I will daddy." She replied happily. 

"I shall bring you some books on our knowledge of forging." Eitri said before he excused himself. 

"Aww, he went away." 

"You did ask him a sensitive question." 

"Gah! Really?" 

"I'm not sure, though I assume talking about height with a dwarf is the same as talking about a woman's age or weight." 

Gabriel poured cutely and squatted down in a cloud of gloom. Ophis stirred on my shoulders to look at the dramatic display the Seraph was giving. 

"Stupid…" Ophis muttered. 

Fighting back a snicker at the actual raincloud that had appeared to hover over Gabriel's head I patted Ophis' head. 

"Don't be mean, Gabriel and the rest of the Angels are technically your nieces and nephews you know." 

Ophis stiffened and looked at me with big eyes, a far cry from her usual emotionless mask. 

"Family?" 

"Yes they're your family too."

Ophis got off my shoulders and floated over to Gabriel. The dragon god began to pat Gabriels head in an attempt to comfort the archangel. 

"Thanks auntie." Gabriel smiled at Ophis. 

I sniggered at the shocked look on the dragon gods face at having been called 'auntie'. 

[Scene Break]

True to his word Eitri had provided me with several thick books filled with forging techniques and the different uses of the various unique metals found floating around in space or on certain planets. I quickly read through the books and returned them to the dwarven king on the principal that dwarves didn't generally like sharing their knowledge of smithing. I had memorised the books and no longer needed them so it was no great loss. 

Gabriel had healed some of the more injured dwarves that didn't get ganked by the purple cunt. Those who had been healed by the bubbly Seraph had sung her praises. Gabriel had blushed at all the attention and hid behind me when it was all done and everyone was back to peak condition. 

Deciding that we had delayed enough I bid Eitri farewell and teleported Ophis, Gabriel and myself to the Bifrost room in Asgard. I had expected to see the imposing Heimdall at his station so I was shocked when instead I found a pile of stuff and Karl Urban bragging to two Asgardian women. Still undetected I frowned at the change I hadn't been expecting. 

'Then again I've throughly fucked canon in the ass, Thanos had attacked early and I tactically acquired four of the six Infinity Stones. Changes were bound to happen sooner than later.' 

Closing my eyes I focused my power outward back to earth. Specifically to Norway where I suspected Odin to be. I 'saw' the aged Asgardian sleeping next to Frigga. Teleporting the two back to Asgard I froze them on the spot to afford myself some time to think while I looked for Loki with my senses. 

The dark haired Asgardian was in the throne room doing whatever Loki does. Thor wasn't on Asgard or Earth. I had a feeling that the muscle bound blond was somewhere in the universe dicking off. Heimdall was also missing, though I felt his presence somewhere off to the mountains in the distance. 

Unfreezing the king and queen of Asgard I let them gather their thoughts for a moment before dropping the disillusionment charm I had instinctively thrown up when we had arrived. 

Odin was immediately wary and stood protectively in front of his wife. It seemed that I didn't have to worry about butting heads with the old man. Frigga also pushed him away and glared at him. 

"Odin, Frigga, nice to meet you. I'm sure you have questions but I'd rather you deal with the fact that Loki has been impersonating you while you've been on Midgard doing whatever the fuck." 

"Who are you?" Odin demanded. 

I sighed, 'so much for not going off on an old man.' "I am a Primordial God, but that's not important. What's important is you've been away while Loki has potentially fucked your society." 

Skurge had finally realised that he wasn't alone anymore. The women had noticed first and had already prostrated themselves. I found it mildly entertaining that the man hadn't noticed them in his effort to show off. 

"M- My king, My Lady… I- er, I can explain." 

Odin and Frigga seemed to be at a loss for words so I waved off the man in their place. 

"Don't worry about it Skurge, take your two lovely friends back to their homes. I'll escort the king and queen." 

"Right, uh- By your leave." 

He didn't question things any further and led the two Asgardian women away. Gabriel went over to the Bifrost sword and prodded at it while Ophis untangled herself from my shoulders to look through Skurge's pile of stuff. 

"Where was I… oh yeah, Loki has been doing whatever and you two have been on Midgard, which I have no idea why. Heimdall is missing, and Thor is off galavanting across the universe." 

"I- who let Loki out?" Odin looked just as confused as I felt. 

"That's what I'm wondering, so would you please be a dear and explain things to me?" 

"I truly do not remember." The aged Asgardian responded with a worried look. 

Frigga put a hand in his shoulder to comfort him, I had half a mind to go through his mind but decided otherwise seeing that Odin was already in a rather sorry state. 

'Could this be the cloned bodies deteriorating? It's been thousands of years since their creation, cloned bodies aren't meant to last that long.' 

I sighed, "It matters little, come on. Let's go see your son." 

"What will you do to him?" Frigga asked. 

"Nothing much, other than checking on the state of Asgard I don't have other plans." 

"The state of Asgard?" Odin repeated. 

"Yeah, I just came from Niðavellir. It was attacked by Thanos. The dwarves were quite distressed that Asgard never came to their aid." 

Odin's face darkened. "Regardless of who sits on the throne Asgard should have responded. The dwarves are our vassals."

"Perhaps he was just distracted?" Frigga defended Loki. 

"Doubtful, tell me what's been going on while we walk to the palace. I'm curious to know what's happened since Thor returned with his brother." 

Frigga nodded, together we headed across the Bifrost to the main city. I decided to leave Ophis and Gabriel by the teleport point just in case. 

Along the way Frigga explained that after Thor returned they had thrown a feast to celebrate his return and Loki's apparent survival after falling into the abyss. Then Odin had Loki locked up as punishment despite her protests. The one eyed Asgardian looked disappointed. Whether it was for his actions or for those of Loki's I didn't know. 

Odin then spoke up and mentioned that he had gotten the sudden urge to visit Earth. Frigga also left with him to keep him company at his request. He mentioned that it didn't feel off at the time but now that he thought back on it, there was no reason for him to suddenly up and leave on an impromptu vacation. 

"This reeks of Loki's plotting." Odin grumbled. 

"That is yet to be seen my King." Frigga stated. 

"We'll get the chance to ask him once we see him, we're nearly there after all." I pointed out as we neared the palace. 

Frigga continued to explain how Odin had acted strangely on Earth. As if he was in a daze, speaking nonsensical things. Odin then mentioned how he was somehow getting weaker as if his power was being siphoned. 

"Loki isn't capable of that, so there's someone else involved." I thought out loud. 

"More than likely yes… though I dread the thought."

Odin open his mouth to add something but stopped when Skruge returned. The man was out of breath and had a worried look on his face. 

"My King, Loki is attempting to flee. I have sent guards after him." 

"Right, looks like I'll have to step in." 

By step in, I really meant exercising my broken powers over reality and by that I meant snapping my fingers and instantly teleporting Loki in front of his parents. The fact that he was hogtied and gagged with a dirty sock was just icing on the cake. 

"Loki?!" Odin jumped back in surprise.

"Wh- how?" 

"Primordial God remember?" I pointed out to Frigga who had a hand over her heart. 

"Right, what have you done to him?" 

"Tied him up so that he doesn't try to run." 

"I, I meant that dirty article of clothing in his mouth." 

"Ah, well he was probably going to say something insulting so I gagged him so that I wasn't tempted to smite him for inevitably getting on my nerves." 

Frigga paused, then she sighed. "I suppose that's fair. Could you please remove it though. Odin and I would like to speak to our son." 

Loki glared at me hatefully, smirking at the bound man I waved my hand to banish the sock.

"You second rate sorcer- GAHHH!" 

His instinct was stopped by Ophis. Who decided to join us, but not before she floated over to 'accidentally' kick him between the legs. Seeing that he was tied up, he couldn't really protect himself from the blow. 

"Was that really necessary." Frigga sighed again. 

Ophis shrugged and jumped onto my shoulders. I gave her a pat on the head mentally praising her actions. She closed her eyes and leaned in on my hand. 

"He may be beyond reason but please. Control you daughter, he is still our son and we'd like him in one piece." Frigga added. 

"Daughter? Oh right, I never introduced you guys. Ophis, this is Odin, his wife Frigga, and their adopted son Loki. Guys, this is Ophis. My sister and the Infinite Dragon God, also known as the Ouroboros Dragon." 

"Jormungandr!" Odin exclaimed. 

"Yes?" I replied with a grin. 

"What?! No. Her! She's the world serpent?!" 

"Of course not. We're not from this universe. In fact I'd go as far as to say that your universe only exists because of us. Also we're getting side tracked, you're  here to question Loki not me." 

Odin grumbled, Frigga looked conflicted but decided to move the conversation along. 

"Who has set you free my son." She asked the still hogtied pseudo-immortal. 

"I- I do not answer to you!" 

Frigga looked at him with a disappointed look. She didn't say anything, she didn't need to. The look was enough to get Loki to squirm. 

"Alright! Fine. Just stop looking at me like I've kicked a baby." 

"You've done worse things recently." I pointed out. 

"Not helping." Loki bit back. 

"What made you send your father and I away?" Frigga tried again. 

"Visions… I had visions." Loki admitted. 

I raised an eyebrow. "Visions of what? Grandeur?" 

"No! Well… not this time. I saw their deaths." 

"Our deaths?" Odin finally spoke. 

"Yes, your deaths. I saw your deaths after this woman appears in Asgard." 

I had a feeling I knew where this was going. "What woman?" I probed. 

"I do not know. I have never seen her before. Though… she looked like a female version of me. Dark hair, green armor." 

Odin paled, Frigga looked at him with worry. Suspicions confirmed I closed my eyes and extended my senses again. They three Asgardian continued to speak while I felt around the universe with my power. Finally locating Thor I tagged him for teleportation and continued my search. When I couldn't find Hela I opened my eyes again. The Asgardian family was looking at me. 

"Yes? What did I miss?" 

"Did you know?" 

"Stop playing the pronoun game, did I know what?" 

"About my father's firstborn." 

"Of course I knew." 

"What?" Odin looked perplexed at my admittance. 

"How many times do I have to point out that I just know these things?" 

Of course I wasn't going to tell them that it was because of my previous life and their world being a fantasy movie and not because I was a god. That would be boring and lazy. 

"I take it that she's still locked away?" I asked Odin. 

He nodded, "She should be, her prison can not be accessed while I still live." 

"Right, there's still a chance that she's gotten strong enough to break free." 

"It's not possible." Odin reiterated. 

"Mate, fuck off with that. Logic states that you lot shouldn't exist yet here you are." 

"I- that's different." 

I wanted to punch him in the face… even if he was just a clone that gained sentience that didn't mean that he had to act like a whiny brat that went 'nuh uh' every time you pointed out that they had made a mistake. Calming myself down I teleported Thor to complete the set of Asgardians. 

To my shock Thor wasn't alone, with him were two women. One was obviously Hela. The other was someone I had never seen before. 

Cue the Vine boom track, my power flared instinctively freezing time around me so that I could think properly before I potentially had to exercise equal rights on a woman. 

Hela had obviously broken out of her metaphysical prison. So much for Odin's insistence that she wouldn't be able to get out. 

Fucking donut. 

Thor would have rather died than betray his family, it was that and the fact he wasn't nearly smart enough to actually pull something like this off without one or both his parents finding out. 

As much as I hated to admit it, Loki wasn't involved in this. At least not directly. He may have had dreams about his adopted half sister killing his family but he didn't break her out of jail. 

That only left one person who could have gotten Hela out and that fucker was standing next to Thor with a smug grin on her face. She was just as frozen as everyone else. Part of me wanted to punch her in the throat then and there to save myself the trouble. Another part was actually curious as to who the hell she was. I didn't remember seeing her in the movies, and I don't remember her being mentioned at all in any media related to the MCU so I chalked this up to bullshit reasons. Taking a deep breath to steady myself I unfroze time and put on a mask of shock when I noticed Thor with the two women. 

"Thor?" I feigned confusion. 

The blonde haired Asgardian didn't respond, he looked at Loki and his parents with a lack of recognition. It wasn't hard to figure out that his mind was being controlled. 

"Son? What's wrong?" Odin asked. 

'He can't seem to see the two women. That cheeky bitch is definitely behind this.' 

Frigga stood still, out of the royal family I had the most hope for her being able to see through whatever bullshit magic was hiding the two uninvited guests. My theory was proven correct when she drew a short sword from somewhere and threw it at the still grinning woman. 

Hela moved to block the blade with a conjured sword of her own. The movement dispelled whatever illusion was hiding the two women and Odin jumped back in shock. 

"Hela!" 

"Hello father." She sneered at him.

[Scene Break]

Odin and Hela began to fight. Thor, while being mind controlled by the other woman, prevented Loki and Frigga from helping. I wanted to jump in and finish things but seeing Anthony Hopkins fighting Galadriel was hilarious to me. 

One upping the other lady with subtle magic had not been hard. Before the two Asgardians had began to fight I had transformed Hela's outfit to a flowy white dress and turned her hair blonde. Odin didn't need a makeover since he was already dressed like a normal guy. A 'notice me not' charm was put over the changes to Hela's look.

The whole time the two fought while shouting at each other I had been trying not to laugh at the sight. Frigga and Loki also forgot my presence since cast a mild Confundus on everyone before disillusioning Ophis, Gabriel, and myself. Ophis couldn't be bothered and had fallen asleep. Gabriel on the other hand was watching with rapt attention. She wanted to know how Hela was fighting so well while in a dress. 

The self proclaimed goddess of death didn't seem to notice anything off. She fought on despite being in a dress worthy of being the envy of brides everywhere. 

I let the fight go on for several more minutes before snapping my fingers and hogtying the two women and Thor. Odin fell on his ass with an exhausted breath of relief. Hela and the other woman were in various states of shock. 

Hela glared daggers at me when I revealed myself. 

Like actual blades made out of black shit shot out from the air in front of her face at me. They crashed harmlessly on my chest. Letting out a bored yawn I sent some energy to Odin making the aged Asgardian sit up. 

"Now that you've gotten it out of your system why not explain what the hell just happened and who this woman is." 

I kicked at the unknown woman making her scowl through her gag. Hela was in the struggling to free herself. Odin stood up and glanced over to the hogtied woman. 

"She is Amora, an enchantress. I should have known she had a hand in this." 

"Okay… but how the fuck did she get that one," I threw a conjured pebble at Hela, "out of her prison. A prison that you said she could be freed from." 

"Magic." Loki responded for Odin making me glare at him. 

"Wasn't asking you." 

"He's right." Frigga said, making me turn to her. 

"That's got to be the most bullshit excuse I've ever heard in my life." 

"Amora is many things, but she has always been one of the best enchantresses in the realm." Odin added. 

"Even now my brother is still under her spell." Loki pointed out. 

I looked over to Thor who was also hogtied, he still had a glazed look in his eyes and I sighed. Snapping my fingers I broke the spell over him making him jolt. He noticed he was bound and began to struggle but like Hela he was unable to break free. 

"Thor." I called to him. 

He glanced at me with relief. "My friend! Thank the All Father that you're here. Odin has been bewitched!" 

"A bit slow there buddy. Odin is fine now, you on the other hand were bewitched for a bit." 

"I- I see. Perhaps you can free me from these bindings so that I may thank you?" 

I let him out and he jumped to his feet, brushing himself off he played it off as if he wasn't just tied up and gave me a slap on the shoulder. 

"Right," he pointed to Amora, "this one bewitched my father and made him free my sister." 

"I assumed, what happened after?" 

"She took me to a strange place. A realm controlled by someone called the Grandfather. There she and Hela attempted to recruit warriors to fight Asgard." 

"The Grandfather?" Odin and Frigga asked at the same time. 

"Grandmaster…" I corrected on a hunch. 

"Yes! That was his name, strange fellow. Fortunately I was able to stop them with the help of a Valkyrie. The Valkyrie escaped with the warriors on one of the Grandmaster's ships. I know not of where they are now." 

"How did you get caught up in Zamora's schemes?" Odin asked his son. 

"She used Sif and the others to lure me into a trap." 

"That would explain why there not here." 

"They were fine last I saw them." 

"They've been imprisoned." Loki spoke from his spot on the floor. 

Hela shouted something from behind her gag. Everyone turned to the self proclaimed goddess. 

"Mind removing the gag?" Frigga asked. 

"Sure, if she insults me I'm turning her into a rabbit though." 

"Alright." 

I vanished the gag, Hela immediately began to curse and insult everyone. Eventually her attention turned to me. 

"YOU! YOU DARE ATTACK ME?! I AM THE GODDESS OF DEATH!" 

"Hardly." I rolled my eyes at the woman. 

"INSOLENCE!!! YOU SECOND RATE SORCERER! I SHALL FLAY YOU ALIVE ONCE I AM FREE!"

"First one is free." 

"YOU DARE BRUSH ME OFF! YOU INSIGNIFICANT WOR- SQUEAK !" 

She never got to finish her shout as I made good on my promise and turned her into a fluffy white rabbit. Frigga looked shocked at the casual display of power. Amora shuddered in her bonds, making me frown at the woman who seemingly orgasmed after feeling a wave of my power. 

Hela hopped around angrily as the ropes had slipped of her new tiny body. Loki looked at the scene with an entertained smirk while Odin looked perplexed. 

"I said I'd do it. No one ever listens." I grumbled. 

Gabriel who had been silent up until then squealed in delight and chased after Hela who frantically hopped away. 

"Is that permanent?" Odin asked. 

"Until I change her back." 

He nodded and turned to Thor and Loki, "My sons, I apologise for not telling you about your sister." 

Thor embraced his father, shocking the old man. Loki remained silent. Frigga smiled at her family but then remembered that Amora was still bound at their feet. 

"What shall we do with her?" 

I looked at the mentioned enchantress who was now drooling between her gag. 

"You could ask her why she did all this or just toss her in prison. I for one don't want to deal with the obviously perverted woman." 

"Perverted?" Frigga quirked an eyebrow. 

"She climaxed after feeling my power." 

"Ah… yes. She does have strange habits." 

Shaking my head I went back to watching Gabriel chase rabbit Hela while listening to Odin speak with Thor and Loki. 

They seemed to be having a genuine heart to heart and now that Odin wasn't going to pull the 'BTW you have an overpowered sister who's going to try to kill everyone and I can't help you cause I'm dying LOLZ' trick, I could see the royal family actually becoming less dysfunctional. 

Hopefully they'd forget to ask me to turn Hela back. The woman was far too much trouble. Especially since I planned on leaving soon. 

"Are you going to join the celebratory feast?" Frigga asked me, pulling me from my thoughts. 

"You people throw feasts for the most random things, how are your people not paupers?" 

"Magic." 

"…"