One Sided Slaughter

Natasha landed the jet in an open field and cut the engine causing the stealth cloaking to flicker off. She unbuckled herself from the seat and pushed herself up with her arms. 

Smirking at the assassin turned spy as she shakily walked to the rear. Getting out of my own seat I gave her ass a hard swat making her yelp and glare at me. 

"Seven hours, we went for seven hours. You're insatiable." 

"What can I say, I enjoy thoroughly exploring your body." 

Natasha limped over to the control panel and flicked the switch that opened the rear ramp/door to the Quinjet. She turned back to me again. 

"You healed all the bruises, why didn't you do anything about the sore muscles?"

"I like to think that I'm marking you as mine Natasha." 

"Yours? What makes you think I'm yours?" 

"I dunno, the thing you did with your mouth wa-

"Auntieee!" 

A voice cried out as a small shape crashed into the red haired spy. The two fell to the ground into a cushioning charm I wandlessly cast. Clint arrived with his wife who had another small child in her arms. 

I didn't really remember how many kids Clint had in the movies. I did remember him having at least one of each though. Natasha picked up the little girl with a smile that I had never seen her make. 

"Nat, who's this?" The woman asked. 

"Laura, this is… Joe. He's- 

"I'm her boyfriend, and a colleague from work." 

I blocked the elbow Natasha threw at me. Clint looked at the two of us strangely but then his eyes lit up with understanding. 

"Boyfriend huh?" 

"It's relatively new, this the family?" 

"Yeah, this is Laura, my wife. The kids, Lila and Cooper."

"Pleasure to meet you all." 

[Scene Break]

After the introductions Natasha and Laura took the kids and presumably went off to talk about me. I'm not being egotistical either, it was just expected. Especially since they all knew each other really well and I was the 'new guy'. While the women talked, Clint took me on a tour around his decently sized property. 

We were now just walking around the perimeter so that I could plot out the place and get things ready to support the wards. 

Clint had explained that he wanted to keep his two lives separate and that he didn't want work following him home. I offered him a lot of money to retire so that he could be with his family and lower the chances of having them targeted but he refused. He told me that he wanted to see things through. 

I had no idea what that meant and if I didn't already know he was married, I'd have assumed that he was waiting for Natasha. 

"That's about it, a few meters from here is the neighbors property." 

"You want any changes to the land before I put up the wards?" 

"Changes?" 

"I can add a lake, a small forest, some hills. More greenery, once I put up the wards nothing will be able to affect anything within the property line without your say so."

"A little lake would be nice, maybe a few more trees dotting the property." 

"Done." Snapping my fingers I added the things Clint mentioned. 

I also added a natural leyline to power the massive ward stone I was about to bury beneath the large oak tree he had next to his main house. I threw in some regular wards that would ensure that the Barton family was even safer than the President. 

A wave of energy washed over the property as the wards came into effect. Clint shivered and glanced over to me. 

"Were those it?"

"Yeah, I'll hand over the control once I key everyone into the wards then I'll set up a ward book so you can add and take people off the access list." 

"Sweet, I don't know how I can ever than you." 

"Don't worry about it, if I had a family like yours I'd want the same thing." 

"Speaking of… you and Natasha huh?" 

"It's recent, hell. I'm not even sure if she actually likes me." 

"She likes you enough to not hit you." 

"I don't think that's a basis for determining affection Clint." 

"I'm the one with a wife, I know what I'm talking about." 

"Fair enough." 

I finished carving the last runes into the ward stone and patted my hands clean. 

"Done?" 

"Yeah, you have control now. The knowledge on how to use it should appear in your head the second you add a drop of your blood to the ward stone." 

Clint pricked his finger with a pocket knife and smeared the blood on the stone. The large gem flashed blue and the wards pulsed with power.

"There's a ward that turns people inside out?" 

"It's one of the ones I put into the lockdown wards. If for whatever reason you come under attack by people that find this place. They'll be in for a nasty surprise."

"A little extreme but I like it. Is it safe?" 

"For everyone keyed into the wards yes, so long as they don't try to hurt your or your family that is." 

"Thanks again man." 

"No worries, now let's get back to the women. They've been talking shit about me I can feel it. 

[Scene Break]

The women had in fact been talking shit. Laura was shooting Clint expectant glances. I had a feeling Natasha had told her about the time manipulation. Clint was likely in for quite the night when we left. 

"Everything done?" 

"Yeah, why what's wrong?" I asked Natasha when I noticed her being oddly silent. 

"Fury just called, a contact of his told him something about a fleet of spacecraft headed for earth." 

"A contact told him?" 

"He didn't go into too much detail. I'm guessing you know something?" 

Laura took the kids to another room leaving Clint, Natasha, and I to speak privately. 

"I have a few guesses, does he need everyone to come in?" 

"All hands." Natasha confirmed. 

"Alright then. Clint you coming?" 

"Space threats? I have a bow and arrow. I may be real good with it but aliens with advanced tech might be a problem." 

"You dealt with the Chitauri well enough." I pointed out. 

Shrugging, he conceded the point. "Fair enough." 

"Besides, I don't think this will take too long." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean that I have things under control. Let's get going, the sooner this is dealt with the sooner Legolas over here can get back to his wife." 

Natasha smirked, Clint frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Nothing man, your wife and Natasha were talking. You're probably not gonna be able to leave the house for a while once you get back." 

Clint turned to Natasha for answers, the former assassin just smiled and patted him on the shoulder. 

I cast a few more diagnostic spells to check the wards I had placed. Seeing that they were all up and running I bid Clint's family goodbye and walked out to the Quinjet. Clint and Natasha joined me moments later with Clint already wearing his uniform and his bow and arrows slung around his shoulders. 

As Natasha prepped the jet to fly I turned to the archer to ask him a question that had been on my mind since before this was a reality for me. 

"Of all the ranged weapons, why a bow and arrow?" 

Clint seemed stumped for a moment. "Yeah guns are faster, but guns don't have trick bullets." 

"You're really gonna go with that?" 

"Yeah? Besides, I can do things with arrows that I wouldn't be able to do with bullets and I'm a little attached to the bow and arrow." 

"It's his thing, don't worry about it too much." Natasha added from the pilot seat. 

"I'm not worried, I was just curious." 

"Well what about you?" Clint asked.

"What about me?" 

"You're God, you can smite our enemies pretty easily. Why don't you do it." 

"Where's the fun in that? I enjoy kicking people around." 

"Fun?" 

"I was raised by four eccentric magicals. One of them was a battle maniac. He rubbed off on me in regards to fights." 

"God was raised by wizards?" 

"Before I was all glowy and divine I was just another dude… well, I use that term loosely." 

Natasha looked back from where she was flying, it seemed that I had both of them interested in my history. 

"Huh, I guess I never did go into detail about myself. Right, before all this I was just a normal dude, saw a ritual on the internet and decided to try it out. Ended up in the body of a magical snake. Long story short, some events not completely in my control led me to inheriting the divine mantle of God." 

"Woah, woah woah. Wait up," Natasha pressed a few buttons to turn on the jets autopilot, "you were a snake?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm guessing the irony isn't lost to you?" Clint looked at me with a grin. 

"I hadn't thought of that before, yeah. It's ironic that I used to be a snake but regained a human body only to become God." 

"What led to the whole becoming God thing?" Clint asked after a pause. 

"I wanted more power to deal with a potential problem, in doing so I decided to absorb the power from an artifact that ended up being more than what I thought it was." 

"I feel like your skipping over a lot of important details there." Natasha mused. 

"I impersonated an Angel for a bit… oh and there was this whole debacle with Dracula." 

"Dracula is real?" 

"In this world maybe not, but in the universe I came from I became blood brothers with the guy." 

"Isn't he, I don't know… evil?" 

"Not at all, he's a bit clueless when it comes to women but his heart is in the right place." 

"I'm still trying to get over the fact that God used to be a snake." Clint muttered. 

Chuckling at the man I took my Basilisk form but shrunk down to the size of a regular python. Clint and Natasha jumped back in shock. 

"What the fuck man!" Clint exclaimed. 

"Can't speak English in this form but I can communicate telepathically." 

"You're our minds?" 

"Nah, I'm just projecting my thoughts to your minds. Mind reading is cheap and boring. I only use it for interrogations and to make a point if someone is being a dick." 

"This is pretty cool." Clint grinned at me. 

"You're pretty cute in this form." Natasha spoke up. 

Clint looked over to her with a quirked eyebrow, "Cute?" 

"I mean look at him, his scales are shiny and he has feathers on his head." 

"You're the one sleeping with him." Clint shrugged. 

Natasha ignored Clint and went over to pick me up. I slithered along the floor and curled around her while shrinking some more so that she could sit back down in the pilot seat. 

"You're a lot warmer than I would have expected." 

"Magical snake remember, my poison in this form can kill a dozen grown men with just a drop. I can also kill someone with a look." 

"We're not in any danger are we?" Clint asked. 

"Nope, I have perfect control over my venom and my killing gaze." 

The two agents of SHIELD got in their seats in the cockpit while I was wrapped around Natasha's shoulders. According to the GPS we were getting closer. 

"How long are you going to stay in that form?" 

"You guys want to mess with Fury?" 

"He's probably going to shoot you." 

"Meh, he can certainly try. I'm indestructible even in this form." 

"Alright, don't say we didn't warn you." Clint chuckled. 

[Scene Break]

Fury wasn't too bothered with me showing up as a snake. Hell, he didn't even blink at the reveal much to everyone's surprise. 

"What? I've seen him do all kinds of crazy shit you really think him turning himself into a snake is going to surprise me?" 

"Clint and Natasha were banking on you shooting me." 

"Normally they'd be right, but currently we have bigger problems than your eccentrics." 

"Let me guess, big purple asshole hellbent on destroying the universe?" 

"How did you know?" A new woman entered the room. 

Captain Marvel looked exactly like she did in the movies. She didn't have her suit but she was still recognizable with the amount of raw energy she was radiating. No one else seemed to notice though. 

"Carol Danvers, I've heard about you." I smirked. 

"You told him about me Nick?" 

"No Nicky didn't tell me anything. I just know everything." 

She frowned and crossed her arms. "Who are you?" 

Fury interrupted before I could reply. "That's not important, can you help us deal with this threat?" 

"Sure, I'll kill Thanos for you." 

"Just like that?" 

"Just like that. Honestly I've gotten tired of waiting for him to show up so him coming here now saves me the trouble of having to go out and find him." 

"You really think you can beat The Mad Titan?" Carol scoffed. 

"I've been around for much longer than your universe little girl." 

Her frown deepened and she took a step towards me 'menacingly'. Grinning, I flared my full power for a fraction of a second making her and everyone else except Natasha fall to their knees. Carol puked and looked at me in fear. 

"What are you?" 

"How rude… to vomit at the sight of someone. To answer your question I'm what you can call a divine intervention." 

Snapping my fingers I healed everyone and cleaned the pools of vomit from the floor. Natasha looked at me curiously since she had been the only one unaffected by my aura. 

"Fury, I assume the rest of the Avengers are on their way?" 

The veteran spy master coughed, "Yes they are. ETA around ten minutes." 

"Good, I'll have this done before they get here." 

"So you don't need their help?" 

"The only reason I haven't finished this is I'm contemplating on how to deal with the purple dildo." 

"What?" 

"Yeah… I can't decide whether I let you guys handle things and just support you from the rear or vaporize everything in his sad little army." 

"You're a bit of an ass." 

"A bit? I'm a whole ass, Carol. Natasha, care to join me?" 

"Sure, let me go get geared up." 

"No need," I snapped my fingers making her outfit change to her skin tight Black Widow outfit. "There, complete with enchanted guns." 

"What about me?" Clint asked. 

"You wanna come with?" 

"Sure why not… never been to space." 

"Alright then, let's go." 

I teleported the three of us to a field and gave a mental call to Ophis and Gabriel. 

"Ophis, Gabriel, there's going to be a fight. You can stay at the hotel or you can stand by me as I wipe the floor with these aliens." 

"Aliens?! I've always wanted to see aliens. I'll be there daddy." 

"I'll fight… ice cream later though." 

I smiled at the two vastly different reactions that Ophis and Gabriel had to the thought of fighting aliens. Though I never got why Ophis had an obsession with sweets. I wasn't going to complain though, it made bribing her easy. That is if she didn't erase you first, then again she was rather attached to me. Other people though, that remained to be seen. 

"What are we waiting for?" Natasha asked. 

Ophis and Gabriel appeared in a flash of a magic circle. Ophis was draped around Gabriel's shoulders. Once they spotted us Ophis switched from Gabriel over to me. 

"Them, they wanted to fight aliens too." 

"Hello again!" Gabriel greeted the two SHIELD agents. 

"Where are the aliens?" Ophis looked around from her perch on my shoulders.

"They're still in space, I reckon they'll be here soon though." I replied. 

Just then Natasha and Clint both got a call on their communication devices. Natasha picked up the call and put the phone to her ear. 

"Yeah, we're here now. Sure I'll let him know," she looked over to me. "They've just entered our solar system. They should reach earth orbit in a few minutes." 

She hung up the call and waited for me to respond. 

"How does Fury even know that?" 

"We're a intelligence agency, we have assets that monitor space." 

"Since when?" 

"Since New Mexico." 

"When Thor showed up?" 

"Exactly." 

"I guess that's fair. Well, since they're almost here how do you guys want to do this?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"We can either go to them or let them land." 

"I hate to break it to you but we don't have space sui- you know what, never mind. I forgot you could just magic us up there. Let's deal with them before they land and potentially cause some property damage that the government is going to blame us for." 

I smiled at Clint, "Nice of you to remember and I don't think they'll be able to blame the Avengers for anything while I'm here. " 

Snapping my fingers I enchanted Clint and Natasha's clothes to be able to withstand the vacuum of space. Then I layered on a few more charms to make sure that they'd be perfectly safe. 

"If that's all then I'm about to take us to space."

With another snap I transported everyone to low earth orbit just as the fleet of ships dropped in. I suppose to the average people the massive ship would have been intimidating. To me it just looked ridiculously phallic. 

"That's a lot of bad guys." Clint whistled.

"Yeah but we've got God on our side." Natasha said with a teasing smile. 

"Yeah yeah, joke all you want. I'll take the big one. Ophis, Gabriel you can take your pick. Natasha, Clint, I guess you guys can take out anyone who makes it past us." 

"Got it." 

[Scene Break]

I could feel two of the Infinity Stones in the main ship. Purple dickhead must have gotten the Power and potentially the Soul stones already since Asgard still had the Space stone in the Tesseract, and the Time stone was still on earth. 

A ring shaped ship broke off from the main fleet and an annoying nasally voice came from its PA system. 

"Stand aside mortal, for you are now in the presence of- 

I hated people that monologue before a fight, so I didn't let the douche finish. With a wave of my hand I crushed the ring shaped ship like a can of pop. I smirk at the silence that followed. Drawing my wand I transfigured the ball left behind by the ship into a giant hand flipping the bird. Flicking my wand I shot the hand towards the ship. I could hear alarms blaring as the ship tried to shoot the finger down. 

Other ships began firing at Gabriel and Ophis as swarms of Chitauri began to attack. Apparently they hadn't been exterminated in the New York invasion. Natasha and Clint dealt with the alien drones easily. A ship exploded leaving behind Ophis who lazily floated on to the next ship. Snakes shot out from her body attacking the ship in an almost comical way. 

Gabriel had drawn her flaming sword and extended her wings. She was flying around harassing ships by stabbing into them or cutting off important looking pieces. No one seemed to be in immediate danger so I turned my attention back to the mothership. 

I could sense the hesitation they had in facing us, I suppose they hadn't expected to be slapped around. Grinning, I return my wand to the holster at my wrist and wave my hand. In the blink of an eye I had teleported everyone on the ships to a plain field of endless white tiles. 

The purple sack chin looked over his army. His adopted daughters were nowhere in sight further implying that he had the Soul stone. The purple cunt spotted me just as the people I had brought with me landed next to me. 

"Where are we?" 

"I Teleported us to a pocket dimension, it'll basically turn into whatever environment I want it to turn to." 

"Space too boring for you?" Natasha smirked. 

"A little bit yeah, they were just going to stay on their ships and shoot at us. This is going to be so much more fun." 

With a thought the plain white 'arena' I had made turned into a replica of the fields in Wakanda where Infinity War took place. The various alien grunts screeched at the sudden change. Purple Josh Brolin glared at me from across the field. I could see the golden gauntlet on his arm. 

'The dwarves were already attacked? What the fuck is Asgard doing? I'll go check on them after I deal with this shit.' 

I didn't want to cut things short by using God powers, so I conjured up a sword. Shooting my wand from its holster to my hand I added another crutch and decided to only use the three 'unforgivables' instead of my wide variety of destructive spells.

Grinning at my companions I brandished the sword at the horde of aliens and let out a whoop of laughter. 

"Daddy wait for me." Gabriel called out as she charged with her own flaming sword. 

Ophis shifted to her dragon form and slowly hovered over to the alien army. Clint and Natasha drew their respective weapons and ran. 

I crashed into the swarm of alien drones and immediately began to hack at them with the sword while flinging out Crucio 's like nobody's business. Sure I was supposed to be benevolent and forgiving but people tended to forget that I was also wrathful and had a sadistic side. Even before I was the Big G I enjoyed inflicting unnecessary amounts of pain on my enemies. 

Gabriel and Ophis soon joined me with the two agents hit on their tails. I dodged a blast of purple and smirked at the surprised look ballsack chin gave me. Gabriel and Ophis could handle the fodder and the other assholes. Clint and Natasha were perfectly fine shooting aliens at a distance. I took this chance to crush the purple idiot quickly before he pulled some bullshit plot armor excuse to somehow escape. 

Casting dozens of anti teleportation wards I vanished the sword and returned my wand to its holster. The bald purple douche glared at me some more. 

"You gonna monologue or are you just going to stare at me all day?" 

"What?" He asked. 

"You've just been glaring at me, usually this is when you assholes spew some retarded ass monologue about how you're doing the right thing and how you're actually helping the world." 

"I- who are you?" 

"Fine, you're taking too fucking long anyways. Bye Felicia." 

"My name isn't Fe-

I blasted him with Holy Lighting before he could finish. I waved my hand and cleared the dust that had risen from my attack. To my complete surprise Thanos was still standing. Though he was missing an arm and half his face was burnt off. 

"Wow you're still alive?" 

"I- b- you- what ugrkk?" 

"Listen, it sounds like you're trying to say something, but I just fucking smite you so hard that your arm got blasted off half way into orbit." 

"BLURGHHHHHH"

The charred purple dildo promptly threw up some vile looking green sludge. The fighting had all stopped. 

"That's fucking disgusting my guy… well, no point in making you suffer." 

I blasted him with lightning again making him scream in pain. The scream turned into a gurgle when I threw in some cutting curses and an overpowered entrail exploder curse for good measure. When I finally stopped casting spells and hurling bolts of lighting there was nothing left except for the severed arm still wearing the gauntlet and a steaming pile of ashes. 

I looked around at the still frozen army of aliens, Clint and Natasha looked a bit nauseous. Gabriel was chasing a gorilla looking alien and Ophis looked indifferent. Clearing my throat I called out to the surviving aliens. 

"Are you going to retreat or do you want to get back to it." 

The alien army screeched at me and went back to trying to overwhelm everyone. Sighing I flew up into the air after unfurling my wings. Thrusting my arms out I started smiting aliens left and right. Eventually their numbers dwindled down and the few surviving aliens ran towards their ships only to be cut down by Ophis and her snakes. 

Clint and Natasha were catching their breath next to a pile of dead drone fighters. Ophis was napping on Gabriel's lap, no one was really injured beyond a few scratches on the two agents. Overall it had been a one sided slaughter. 

I nudged the golden gauntlet and looked at the two stones that were glowing faintly. Summoning them to my hand I absorbed them too and felt my substantial powers rise with the addition of the Soul and Power stones. 

'Four down, two to go. Though with the Reality Stone I could theoretically just rewrite reality so that I already own them.' 

The thought crossed my mind and I nodded to myself. I didn't want to have to interact with the sorcerers or their wacky order. Thanos didn't have the Space Stone either which meant that Asgard still had the Tesseract. I knew I was in the MCU but I didn't want to take any chances in dealing with Odin, copy of the original or not. Gods tended to be overly arrogant and zealous with what they thought was 'theirs'.

Hell, I myself was a prime example of this. I hated it when I was challenged and disrespected. I had to fight the urge to just smite people for annoying me. I knew that I'd get into an argument that would lead to me killing a whole pantheon if I ever had to deal with their bullshit. The Greeks were an example of people I avoided for the sake of their continued existence. 

"What now?" Natasha asked as she walked over to stand next to me. 

"Now? Now I take you and Clint back to earth so I can go check on some things before wrapping up here." 

"You're planning on leaving soon?"

I looked at the archer, "Yeah, not much else to do here. I've dealt with the biggest threats so far and I'd rather not stay too long and get pulled into another conflict." 

"Are there more threats?" 

"Not that I'm aware of no. Though if there is something The Avengers can't handle you can always pray to me for help." 

"What about me?" The redheaded spy inquired. 

"You can come with me. If you want, that is. I'm not going to take you away from your life and friends here." 

Natasha looked thoughtful, "Can I have some time to think about it?" 

"You have till I get back to earth." 

"When is that?" 

"Whenever I've finished cleaning up the mess the purple dingleberry made across the universe." 

"So like a day?" She said with a smirk. 

"Give or take a few." I replied with a grin of my own. 

"Fine, send us back, I suspect Fury will want a report."

Natasha gave me a quick peck on the lips. Clint walked over to stand next to her and gave me a nod. With a snap of my fingers I teleported the two of them back to the helicarrier then turned to Ophis and Gabriel. 

"Where to next?" 

"We check on the dwarves then we'll make sure everything is safe before we go home. I have this nagging feeling that something really retarded has happened." 

"Dwarves?" Ophis asked. 

"Dwarves the size of two story houses." 

"That doesn't make any sense Daddy… aren't dwarves supposed to be short people?" 

"That's what I said, we'll ask them when we get there." I replied. 

"Let's go then, I wonder if they can make me a new sword." Gabriel thought out loud. 

"I'd like to think so, that is… if any of them are still alive." 

I didn't want to think about it but if the purple douche had the gauntlet, then the chances that the dwarves were either all dead or close to it. Hoping that some had at least survived I teleported the three of us to Niðavellir.