I'VE MISSED Y-YOU!!

I met josh when I was in highschool. He was one of the popular kids in school and he was not athletic never being interested in sport and stuff but he has this charm that makes people loved him. Always center of attention, dated a lot too. Not gonna lie I used to be one of his secret admirers. Admiring him from a far when he's talking and joking to his friends and I was even there when one of his fling make a scene the day they ended things up.

I remember the first time he talked to me, he complimented my drawings. 

It was an accident dropping my sketch book really if I had lost it I'll be devastated but that incident had made me the happiest boy alive that day because josh praise my drawing that day I remember everything till this day "your drawings are as gorgeous as your are" he said with a wink and I blushed. I fucking blushed.

"STOP!! STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM" I said it out loud " WE MOVED ON. WE ARE ON THE NEW BEGGING" I'm trying to convince my heart and myself that we moved on. Things like this needs time and right now I got all the time in the world. It's not too late. First of all I need to call my mom.

"Mmmh-huuuuh" taking a deep breath I took my phone in my back pocket switch it on and on the screen comes the picture of josh I tsked and just ignore it I dialed my mom's number as I adjusted myself in the couch and it connected after the fifth ring. But even after picking the phone she doesn't say a thing. it been nearly a year since our last phone call always Ignored her call and texts, what was I thinking.!!

"Hey.. mom" she was still silent I don't if it's because she doesn't believe that I called or something else.

" Mom you there. I've missed y-you" my voice cracks at the end and suddenly i hear sniffles

"Oh honey" and I hear my mom's crying voice and that's all it takes to make me cry as well I feel bad, bitter and every pathetic emotion right now and as I hear my mom cry because of me. Because of my pathetic and idiotic decision It made it's even more upsetting. We cried silently. I don't know for how long but when we calm down i say the word that we both want

"Mom I'm coming over to see you tomorrow." 

"Sure honey I'd love that." my mom said gently "I'll bake a cheesecake for you honey. your favorite." she added.

"That's a promise mom." 

"I'm a lady of my words bahaar." she said in a matter of fact tone and I laugh at that we both know home forgetful she can be in short amount of time.

There's this one time she goes to the grocery store three times because she keeps forgetting what she's doing there untill she's back home and when she remembered that she wanted to buy eggs she just give up and order food to a near by restaurant for us to eat. She's just like a little kid she always easily distracted and keeps things at the back of her head so I just chuckle at her words and and reply to her.

"Hehe ofcourse you are."

And she let out a big "huummpph" and there was silent for a few second before she breaks it again.

"Bahaar" she calls me so softly and I hate that she's been careful around me. I miss my carefree mom so much right now. And I give a small "mmh" as a reply.

"I think there's something I wanted to ask but I forgot and I know It supposed to the first thing to ask...." I immediately tense is she about to ask about josh I don't I want to talk about him with her now especially on the phone. Maybe if....

"are you okay son." she finished her sentence.

"Huh!?" 

"I'm asking how are you son. Are you okay!?" 

'no I'm not okay mom. I feel like a failure ' that's what I wanted to say but I didn't say out loud I just went to divert the topic.

"Just don't forget about the cheesecake mom."

"Huh? What cheesecake." she ask and I can tell she's really confused and I sigh in relief when I manage to distract her.

"You said you'd bake my favorite cake mom" I reminded her. 

"Huh why would I bake you a cake honey. I thought you love pie." I just laugh at that. Actually I love banana cupcake but I can't tell her that now I'm afraid I can make her feel like she doesn't know what I like any more she can be dramatic and emotional for many absurd things.

"You know me best maa." I hear her giggle a little and I added "remember I'll be home tomorrow." and I hear her sigh 

"Even if I lose my memory tonight tomorrow morning I will still remember that you'll be coming home. You'll be coming back to m-me." I know she's been emotional again so i keep quiet till she breaks the silince again.

 "Bahaar" she call my name tenderly 

"Mmh"

 "Mom loves you so much. You knows that right."

"I know that maa. I l-love you too" after that I bid her goodnight and I end the call. 

I feel light like all the burden in my shoulder are lifted the voice of my mom made me clear my head a little bit. Moms are super heros in this world and I was stupid to think that I would be Okay without her. I curl my self like a dumpling and sleep in the couch I feel so peaceful that I don't even find it uncomfortable sleeping in the couch. I'm sure as hell in the morning I'll feel like being hit by a car but for now. I just want to close my eyes and sleep.

And I did just that.