Chose to be selfish

I turned to Daniel, who was staring at me with confused and hurt eyes. "What you heard was not exactly what happened," trying to make him understand. "I wanted to tell you, but..." I could not continue. What reason would be enough to justify my actions?

"Then, tell me what happened. Trust me. I can handle the truth." He moved back into the living room and seated himself on the couch. "I'm your friend before anything else."

Somehow hearing his words lessen the burden I felt from what I did. "I don't know where to begin." I was still nervous, afraid that this might ruin us. I could not lose him. The truth, I believed, should be told if we would build a lasting relationship. I hope it would not break us apart. However, if he decided that I was not worth it, I only had myself to blame.

"Start at the beginning. What is Nathan to you?" Asking me cautiously. He patted the seat next to him, and I settled with a few inches in between us. I could see the millions of questions swirling in his eyes, but he was trying to be patient as he waited for me to answer.

Trust him, my mind assured me, as determination to tell him everything settled in within me. "The first time I saw Nathan at the diner, he intrigued me. Something about him looked familiar, but I had never met him before. The first time we went out, I felt a connection with him that I couldn't understand. It was strong, and it frightened me."

"Everything about Nathan scares me. I just knew that he has the power to hurt me, and I don't think I could handle that. So I decided to avoid him instead." He was silent the whole time, just listening intently to what I was saying. His face was unreadable, but I knew he was analyzing every word.

After a brief pause, I continued. "The other night that I got drunk, he saw me at the bar. I was quite wasted, I admit. He decided to take me to his suite instead of bringing me back to my room. He thought it would be better if I sobered up first before he should let me go back to my room. So, he offered to make me some coffee." I knew my words were creating terrible scenarios in his head.

"Why did you end up in his bed? Did he took advantage of you?" I could see that he was slightly uneasy as he started pacing the floor. I did not want him to jump to any more conclusions, so I immediately answered his question.

I could sense that there was some antagonism between Daniel and Nathan. Although they acted civilly in front of the others, I still felt it, just like the dinner at Nathan's house and recently. I was curious, but this was not the time to ask Daniel about it.

"No, he was a gentleman and started to make coffee while I rested on his couch." Pausing for a while again, trying to gain more strength to continue with my shameful confession.

"How did you end up in his bed?" He asked again as if each question was not something he would like to hear the answer. He sat down on the armchair on the other side. I supposed this was eating him inside, not knowing what happened. The space between us was a welcome reprieve.

"While waiting for him, I dozed off and had an unusual dream. I was with someone special to me. The dream seemed so real. I don't know if it was the alcohol or something else, but somehow it made me think that I was still acting on that dream, which led me to wind up in his arms." I could feel his eyes boring at me. He was not mad but visibly hurt.

"We started making out and ended up in his bed. He was the one who eventually stopped it before it got to a point where I would regret it. I woke up the next morning relieved that nothing happened to us and ran out of his place as fast as I can." Ending my dreadful guilt. I wished he would shout at me or called me names instead of seeing him in pain.

Partial relief was what I felt when I finished my story. At least, I got that out of my chest. Now, I had to wait for Daniel's reaction through all this crazy raucous that I called my pathetic life. The long silence was deafening, but I had to give him time to process all this. I should have been honest with him in the first place.

"How do you feel about him?" Daniel finally spoke. I could tell that he was having a hard time accepting what I just told him. Or what I did even if we were able to stop it before anything happened. The point was, technically, I still cheated on him.

This time I was going to be completely straightforward with him. "Honestly, I don't know how I feel about him. I know I am attracted to him, but I could never trust him. If given a choice, I don't want to see him again."

He came near me and knelt before me. "What about us? How do you feel about me?" As he held my hand in his. His eyes were begging me to give him hope.

"You are one of the best things that happened to me." It was the truth. But, what I was about to tell him I knew would probably hurt him. It could even change the status of our relationship.

"You are a great friend. I know you wanted more, and I wished I could promise you the same... but... I am still confused about how I feel about us." I stared at his eyes.

"I always knew that." He admitted. "... but, I can't let you go. Not without a fight. I will do everything I can to make you fall for me because... I love you, Scarlet." His revelation did not shock me at all. I already felt it with his actions.

"I'm not sure if I will ever feel the same way." I had to tell him the truth. Nathan was right about one thing. I never loved him the way he deserved to be love.

"I am willing to wait until you fall in love with me. Will you at least give us a chance?" He asked with hope in his eyes. I was hoping for the same thing. That someday, I would also fall in love with this wonderful man. Perhaps, I just had to give it more time, though difficult, was not impossible. A person could teach her heart how to love. I could do that too.

"Yes, I want us to work. Just be patient with me." I conceded. He reached out and guided my face towards his. He touched his lips with mine, begging, seeking the chance to prove his feelings for me. I kissed him back, hoping that this would ignite the spark we need to make this relationship work. My mind was saying yes, but my heart was still saying no.

He deserved someone who would love him with the same passion, and I knew that person was not me. Not yet anyway, but I was willing to make this work. That should count for something. I defended my action.

This time, I could not lose him. I chose to be selfish.