Chapter-19

Chapter 19

When I wake up, it's to the banging on the front door. I'm guessing it's either Haymitch or Rye, so I take my time going down the stairs. Like I predicted, Haymitch is standing outside with a box in his hand.

"Where's the boy? He wasn't at his house," Haymitch says.

I lead him upstairs, but tell him to wait outside of the room while I wake Peeta up. Whatever is in that box is making me anxious. When Peeta finally gets up after a couple minutes of protesting, we go back into the hall to talk to Haymitch.

"I talked to Effie, and she was able to send me a little something for your hand. You might want to lay down before, though. I heard it's painful," he says with a laugh.

We lead Haymitch into my room, and Peeta lies on the bed. Haymitch takes out a syringe from the box he brought, and I become even more anxious. The needle is huge, which makes me feel bad for what Peeta's about to go through.

"Alright, Effie tells me you were given this for your hand after you won, so you should know what to expect. This will heal your bone completely in less than six hours," he says. "And Katniss, try to keep him hydrated. He'll be sweating an awful lot once it starts."

"You're leaving?" I ask as he walks towards the bedroom door.

"I haven't had enough to drink for this, Sweetheart. Good luck kid," he says as he walks out.

"Alright Peeta, are you ready?" I ask. He gives a small nod. "Do you know where to inject it?"

"They did it to my upper arm last time," he says. I can tell he isn't looking forward to this, which makes me even more nervous.

"Alright, um, I guess I'll just do it then," I say with what I'm hoping was a reassuring smile.

I injected it into his upper arm, and watched carefully as he winced. At first, it looked normal, but after five minutes, his jaw was clenched and he was already sweating. Every muscle in his body was tense, and he couldn't stop shaking. It lasted five minutes, and then gave him a minute break.

His scream startled me a little. I never expected it to hurt this much, but based on Peeta's reaction, this must be torture. I can't imagine going through this for six hours.

The only time I leg go of his hand is to bring up cups of water and a couple small things for him to eat during his breaks from the pain. His body is drenched in sweat, his shirt sticking to his arms and chest.

After two hours or so, during one of the breaks between the pain he's enduring, he finally speaks. "It's healing my ribs too, I can feel it. Thank you for staying with-" he says before he's cut off with another round of pain.

I feel horrible that he's going through this much pain while I'm sitting here, not able to do anything about it. The most I'm able to do is gently wipe him down with a towel every couple minutes. He doesn't complain about my level of uselessness, though.

When it's been ten minutes since his last wave of pain, we both realize it's over. His arm is fine, and so are his ribs, but the bruising on his body and the cuts on his face are still there. His prep team is going to have a blast trying to cover that up.

Peeta gets in the shower, jokingly complaining about how sweaty he is. When he attempts to hug me before showering, I run down the stairs. He chases me for a couple minutes, laughing with me until he gets tired.

I go over to his house to grab some clothes for him, which only takes me a couple minutes to do. I do snag myself one of his shirts too, because for some odd reason, sleeping in Peeta's shirt is much more comfortable than my own. Maybe it's because they're bigger and have more room inside, or maybe it's because they smell like cinnamon somehow, but either way, I prefer sleeping in his shirts.

I knock on the door and let him know I brought him clothes and I'm leaving them on the sink, before I exit and wait for him.

While he's in the shower, I think about the ceremony we're about to attend tomorrow. We'll obviously need to act in love again, that's for sure. Well, I'll need to act in love again.

I'm dreading seeing my prep team again. Every time I see them, they complain about how chewed up my nails are and how rough my hands are from hunting. I don't really understand why I need three people to prep me anymore, because ever since the Victory Tour, I haven't been able to grow hair anywhere but my head and eyebrows. I don't mind though, because it saves me from the plucking and pulling torture my prep team puts me through.

Thinking of Peeta's prep team actually puts a smile to my face. I'm normally the one who needs more work between the two of us, so he gets done with them an hour or two before I do. But this time, I might actually finish before him.

I can already hear Effie's voice, thick with her heavy Capitol accent, complaining about Peeta's face and my lack of manners. Making Effie mad is one of the few things I'm looking forward to. Surprisingly, seeing Peeta dressed up again is another thing I'm eager to see.

I'm so deep in thought that I don't hear the water shut off, or see him come out in the sweatpants I zacksbrought him. He's still shirtless, drying himself off before putting it on.

"Katniss, my eyes are up here," he says with a laugh. I try to give him a scowl, but I can't stop laughing either. "Here, I'll throw your sheets in the washer for you," he says once we finally calm down.

Once he finishes putting my sheets in the washer, we eat a late lunch. Prim stops in for a little bit to check on Peeta, then leaves. We take today to relax, since tomorrow will be full of activities for us to do. We eat dinner with my mother and Prim, and decide to turn in early. The prep teams will be here in the morning, and I'd prefer to be well rested so I don't have to hear them complain about the dark shadows under my eyes. I sleep peacefully, enveloped in Peeta's arms.

"Katniss, wake up."

I open my eyes to Peeta's vibrant blue eyes staring back at me. His face still has a couple cuts and bruises, along with a black eye, and yet he still looks handsome.

"I'm not ready to get up," I say as I roll over and bury my face into his pillow. It smells just like him. "5 more minutes."

"We actually have 30 minutes until the prep teams get here," he says. "I figured you might want to just lay here until they get here, try to prepare yourself I guess."

That is exactly what I want to do, actually. It's scary how well Peeta knows me at this point. I roll over so that I'm on top of him, and look up at him. Madge and Delly may have been onto something when they said Peeta was cute.

I forget how long I've been staring at his face, until he looks down and says, "like what you see?" while wiggling his eyebrows. I know he meant it as a joke, but my cheeks still get hot, and I'm sure I'm not hiding the blush on my face.

We lay like this for twenty more minutes, with Peeta rubbing small soothing circles between my shoulder blades. I don't know if he has any idea how much that helps me relax.

Our time's up though, because the prep teams are about to arrive, but I don't want it to end. So when he attempts to get out of bed, I grab fistfuls of his shirt and keep him under me. I don't want to move, because if I do, I'll stress about tonight.

"The prep teams are going to be here soon," he whispers.

"Tell them to leave, we can prep ourselves just fine," I mumble so low I'm surprised Peeta can hear me. But he does, because I feel the rumble in his chest as he laughs.

"Come on Katniss, you seriously have to get back to your house before Effie loses her mind," he says with a laugh.

I reluctantly get out of bed, get dressed into a pair of Peeta's sweatpants and a baggy shirt, and head to my house. Just as I show up, so does a Capitol car filled with my prep team. They hurriedly get out of the car to greet me. I can already tell this is going to be a long day.

My prep team has no sense of personal space, so it's not unexpected when they rush over and hug me like we've been friends for years. They're kind of like my pets in a way. It's probably wrong to think like that, but that's how I view them. They don't really know any better.

I lead them inside and up the stairs to my bedroom. At first, they hover over me, examining me as if I were some odd bug in the woods, not wanting to touch me in case I bit or stung, but still curious. But after a minute of this, they start with the questions.

"These nails! What happened?" Octavia shrieks. I don't blame her though, my nails are chewed up from my bad habits. She's got her work cut out for her.

"Your eyebrows aren't bad Katniss, I'm glad we waxed them last week," Venia says. I didn't do anything to them but I still feel proud that they've complimented me for once. Normally they just complain.

"And your hair is growing back nicely," Flavius says. My hair is shorter than normal after the fireballs from the arena singed parts of it off, but it is getting healthier.

As they work on my face, they chatter about how lucky I am to have Peeta and how a lot of women in the Capitol "wish they could get their hands on him." Something about the way they say it makes me a little bit jealous and also worried. Haymitch warned us briefly about what Snow does with the Victors. He said Peeta and I should be okay, because we're a couple, but it still unsettled me.

They gossip about anything and everything Capitol related. It's almost annoying how much they talk, but since I'm not from the Capitol and I don't know these people or these things they're talking about, they leave me out of the conversation, so I guess I should be grateful if anything.

The rest of my body doesn't need to be waxed and plucked, since my skin is still smooth and hairless, not to mention that winter's coming quickly and it's a little too chilly to wear a dress without a coat on top. They do inspect my lower legs though, to make sure there is no hair, which makes me believe Cinna's prepared a longer dress for tonight.

Once they're done braiding my hair how I like it, they all leave, inviting Cinna in. He's still in his simple black shirt and pants, with his thin gold eyeliner. Maybe that's one of the reasons I like him so much. He's a normal person, not one of those Capitol citizens that wear feathers and alter themselves surgically.

"Girl on Fire, it's nice to see you again," he says.

"It's good to see you too Cinna," I reply sincerely.

He pulls out my dress, which is a beautiful wine red that comes down to my calves. It's pretty, but not too extravagant. He's still going for the 'schoolgirl in love' look.

"Oh, Cinna, it's beautiful," I say. I run my fingers along the edges of the dress. It feels comfortable enough for the hours I'll be in it.

"This is the last thing you'll need to do for the next couple months. The next time I see you will be for the Victory Tour. Did Haymitch tell you about the Victor's talents?" he asks. I shake my head no.

"Oh, well each Victor's is expected to have a talent they show Panem during the Victory Tour. I don't know what you had in mind, but Portia told me Peeta's chosen painting," he says.

"Is hunting an option?" I say, jokingly serious.

"No, it's not," he says with a small laugh. "If you want, you can choose fashion designing. We can work together more if you do."

"I don't really know anything about fashion designing," I say.

"I'll teach you," he says with a wink. "I'll make some dresses for you to pass off as your own if you'd like."

"I knew I liked you," I say jokingly.

"Dears, we've got a schedule to uphold!" Effie says through the door.

Cinna and I exit the bedroom and head over to Peeta's. "He's not done yet," Cinna says to me. I can't help but laugh, this is the first time I've finished before Peeta.

We sit and go over some things for my "talent" while we wait for Peeta to get done being prepped. His face must be giving the prep team a tough time covering.

After another thirty minutes, he finally came out. It's honestly amazing how well they covered the bruises and cuts on his face, like he was never beat at all.

"Wow, you weren't the one that needed the most prepping this time," he said playfully.

"Come on kids, we're on a tight schedule!" Effie said as she practically pushed us out of the door.

First, we'll have dinner with the mayor and his family, along with Haymitch. The District 12 people will be fed too, but not at the same table. Then, there'll be music and dancing, and lots of talking to guests. That's the part I'm looking forward to least.

Dinner is pleasant, but that's all. I can't stop thinking about what Haymitch said, about Snow not being happy. I know Peeta is thinking of this too, because he doesn't look like his head's fully in the moment. Our locked hands under the table is the only thing keeping me from running. I'm wondering if we're doing enough, if we're proving we love each other to Snow. I'd guess we aren't.

After dinner, Peeta takes me to dance. I don't mind dancing, Prim and I used to dance all the time. I'd always play the boy part though, but I've danced with Prim enough to know what I should be doing. The only trouble I'm having is the cameras.

I hate doing this for the cameras. My father taught me how to dance, and I taught Prim. It feels wrong of me to show the Capitol something my father used to do when he was alive. It feels like I'm not honoring him by keeping this tradition for us.

But what can I do? I have to dance, if I want to attempt to prove to Snow that I love Peeta. It'd look pretty odd if I didn't. And I don't blame Peeta for making me do something my father used to, he's only trying to help me.

We make our rounds greeting everyone and anyone at the ceremony. I can tell the people of District 12 are happy with the food, it's probably the first time they've eaten like this in forever. The parcels that come to District 12 every month because of Peeta and my win helps every family here.

"Where do you think Haymitch is?" I ask. I know where he is, but this conversation could get our mind off things for a little.

"Anywhere they have drinks at," Peeta says with a laugh. "Let's go find him."

We walk around, looking for the bar, and after five minutes, we find Haymitch and… Effie? They're sitting down, having a normal conversation, which is a total contrast to what we saw on the train ride to the Capitol and back.

"Woah, I thought they hated each other," Peeta says, reading my mind. He looks over at me, still clutching my hand in his, and slowly starts to smile. "What do you say we get a little payback? Haymitch is always teasing us, let's return the favor."

We walk over there, and while I'm still a bit confused on what Peeta is going to say, I'm excited to see him rile Haymitch up. It's not often we can get Haymitch flustered. He normally has a comeback for everything.

"Oh, look at this! Another set of Star Crossed Lovers! Katniss, we could go on double dates with them!" Peeta says loud enough for Haymitch to turn around and glare at him.

"Haymitch and I aren't Star Crossed Lovers," Effie says.

"Don't you have a closet to lock yourselves in? To get the real party started," Haymitch replies cooly.

"Yeah, sure, we could go do that Katniss," Peeta says to me. "Which one did you guys use Haymitch?" I try to hide my smile, but Haymitch is getting annoyed, and an annoyed Haymitch is much funnier than an annoying Haymitch.

"Listen kid, I don't know what you're trying to do, but it isn't working," Haymitch says.

"I'm not trying to do anything Haymitch. We just wanted to say hi, but we see you and Effie acting… normal for a change. Normally, you guys fight like a married couple. It just left me thinking, that's all," Peeta says. He really does have a way with words, because with the way he explains it, Effie and Haymitch actually look like they've got something going on.

"Well, nothing's going on. And you guys actually should take my advice. Sneak into a closet for a bit, the cameras are most likely following you everywhere. They'll catch you slipping in. Capitol will eat that up," he says.

"Maybe. Alright, enjoy the rest of your date- I mean night," Peeta says as he winks at Effie. Her blush makes my suspicions grow. "You guys do make a cute couple. You'd give me and Katniss a run for our money."

Peeta and I leave them to whatever it is they're doing, and decide to do what Haymitch said. Sneaking off to a closet will definitely be the gossip of the Capitol, and that will help reinforce that we're in love with each other.

We find one with enough space for both of us to be in it comfortably, and slip in. I stand still for a couple seconds, waiting for Peeta to make a move, but he doesn't do anything. He just stands there, looking at the door.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Well, we're alone. There's no cameras in here, so we don't have to do anything. We just sit in here for a couple minutes or until we get caught, and leave," he says. I don't know why, but his explanation angers me.

"What do you mean, 'we don't have to do anything'?" I ask angrily. We're keeping our voices down in case someone walks by.

"You don't have to act in here, there's no cameras," he says with a laugh. It's like he's mocking me or something. "Why are you so mad?"

"I don't know," I say quietly. I really don't know. Am I mad he won't kiss me without cameras? I wouldn't stop him if he did. Am I mad that he assumes that I don't want to be kissed in private? Or that he assumes that I'm acting? That is what I told Gale though, right in front of Peeta, so I guess he isn't assuming anything. Am I acting?

"It's alright Katniss, I'm not upset anymore. I told you, I get it," he says softly. Why does he have to be so forgiving? I played with his feelings to save my own life, and he's just forgiven me like all I did was bump into him in the hallway at school. I broke his heart!

"Why? Why aren't you upset?" I ask.

"I basically forced you to pretend you were in love with me, hoping it'd bring you home. I didn't plan on coming back, but my plan was better than I thought, I guess. But I should have known you were acting, I mean, who other than me falls in love the first time they lay eyes on someone?" he asks. "It's my own fault really, you should be angry at me for even putting you in this situation. Odds are, you would've won with or without me, but because of my plan, you're stuck pretending to be in love with me anytime we're in public."

I think I realize now that I fell in love with him the first time I'd seen him. Well, really seen him. When he gave me the loaves of bread, I think I fell in love with him right then and there. But I can't fall in love with him, I can't be in love with him. He makes me feel loved, no matter what I seem to do to him, yet I don't think I'll ever be able to return his love. Not the way he wants me to. He'd be better off without me.

"You saved us Peeta. Whether you believe it or not, without that plan you came up with, we'd both be dead. Without you fighting Cato so I could get the bow from Glimmer, we'd both be dead. So don't say I should be angry with you for putting me in this spot. I'm just glad I have a spot to be put in still," I say.

"And you say you aren't good with words," he says with a grin. "Come on, let's go before they think we're doing something worse than kissing."

With that statement, I practically drag Peeta out of the closet and back into the party. For the rest of the party, I'm conflicted. I do love Peeta. But I can't love him. Not after what it did to my mother. Love ruined her, and I won't let that happen to me.

Effie eventually gets Peeta and I for our round of goodbyes. It occurs to me that I didn't see Peeta's entire family, nor did I see Gale. I saw Hazelle and the kids, and I saw my family. I danced with Prim and Posy too. So I'm wondering why Gale didn't come.

On our walk back home, I keep my hands in my coat pocket instead of in Peeta's. I feel guilty when I see the flash of pain in his eyes before it slips away. We don't speak to each other, and I'm glad because if he said anything, I'd probably forget I was letting him go. He deserves someone who will love him the way he wants to be loved, and that's something I can't give him.

When we get to our houses, Peeta's the one to break the silence. "My house or yours?" I'm confused for a second, until I realize he's asking which house we're sleeping at.

"Um, actually, I think we should sleep separately tonight," I say quietly. The sadness in his eyes is almost heart wrenching.

"Oh, okay," he says, trying to hide the sadness in his voice. But it's there, and I can hear it. His normal happy tone has been replaced by a solemn new tone. "Did I, um, do something wrong?"

"No, I just think we should probably start sleeping alone again, that's all," I say. The look on his face is breaking my heart, but I can't turn back now.

"Oh," is all he can say. He gives me a sad smile, then turns around and heads to his house. I run inside mine, to my bedroom, into the bathroom and get in the shower. I cry, because I threw away one of the best things in my life because I'm too stubborn. But this is what's best for him. He needs someone who will love him, and will marry him, and give him children and make him happy. He deserves someone better than me.

When I lay down for the night, I can't sleep. All I can seem to do is cry. He's not here, laying under me, rubbing those small circles in between my shoulder blades I love, talking to me and laughing with me, and protecting me from the nightmares. He's not here, and the only person who is at fault is me.

A/N: I know! I hate to leave it at that, but don't worry, things will get better between them next chapter. Please review, it means a lot to me!