Chapter 5
Harry was relaxing in the Hufflepuff common room, Crystal had her head rested on his shoulder and they were both reading the same book. Well, Crystal was reading while Harry just enjoyed her company.
He couldn't believe how brilliant everything was, his godfather was free and here he was with the love of his life, doing something as plain and simple as reading. It was a shame that Dumbledore saved Snape from the charges, ah well, at least he could still torment the man. He had never been so happy, which made him narrow his eyes, him having fun meant that something bad was going to happen. That was how life worked, it was how JK Rowling worked and he had no doubt that JustBored21 would work the same way.
"Crystal" Susan and Hannah ran into the common room
"What's up guys?" Crystal asked
"Dumbledore wants to see you in his office" Susan said
"Oh" Crystal looked royally put out at the fact her cuddle time was cut short "I'll be back later Harry" She said as she followed the girls outside. Harry stood up and glared upwards.
"CURSE YOU JUSTBORED21!" He shouted as loud as possible "Curse you! You stupid ****! Oh...censoring me now are you?! You have stooped! Well **** you twice. You and your stupid stories with your stupid spelling mistokes! You had better make this up to me! Yes...you are making this up to me! And you'll do it by..." Harry stopped to think about what he wanted, his eyes lit up as an idea hit his brain "I want to get rid of Umbridge this chapter. Let's face it, you don't like her, I don't like her and quite frankly, neither of us can be bothered to deal with her. Deal?" The window let in a bright ray of sunshine. "I'll take that as a yes then"
"Ah hello Miss Peters" Dumbledore greeted Crystal as she entered his office and sat down next in the empty chair.
"Uh...hello Professor" She said nervously, Harry had advised her against trusting the professor. In fact he went as far as to sneak into her room and put a picture of him next to her bed with the words 'don't trust' on it, she got rid of it but that was not the point. "Have I done something wrong?"
"No, of course not" Dumbledore smiled at her as his eyes twinkled "I simply wish to discuss an important matter with you."
"What matter sir?"
"You're relationship with Mr Potter" Dumbledore said as Crystal tensed a little bit "am I to understand that you're his girlfriend"
"Uh...yes sir"
"May I ask what you see in Mr Potter?"
"Well" Crystal brushed "he's handsome...and nice...and kind. And...he goes out of his way to do nice things for me and he's funny and...I'm babbling, aren't I?"
"A little" Dumbledore chuckled, but it was time to put this conversation to bed "Miss Peters, you are aware that I am aware that you're a siren?"
"I am...aware" She said nervously "that you are aware...that I am a siren. And now you're aware...that I'm aware...that you're aware...that I'm aware that...I'll just shut up now.
"Have you siren bonded with Harry?"
"Yes...yes I have."
"Now I'd like to remind you that young Harry is an important person and people will have concerns about your relationship"
"But I care about him!" Crystal spoke passionately "I really do care about him!"
"I care about you too" Harry's voice echoed throughout the room
"Harry?" Crystal asked as she looked around.
"Yeah?" His voice said, she looked left and nearly jumped out of her seat when she saw Harry sitting in a chair next to her
"Harry?!" Dumbledore blurted out in shock
"Oh, hi Gandalf" Harry waved at him before turning his attention back to Crystal "you were about to say how much you cared about me?"
"What are you doing here?" Dumbledore interrupted before Crystal could respond
"Waiting for my beautiful girlfriend to keep saying wonderful things about me" Harry said as he absentmindedly picked up a lemon drop frim Dumbledore's bowl
"Mr Potter, those are my lemon..."
"Handsome eh?" Harry grinned at a blushing Crystal, he took her hand in his, her inner siren felt a lot more calmer
"Well...you are" She said as she forced herself to look at him, she had a small smile on her face
"Not as handsome as you are beautiful" He replied, her smile got bigger and Harry was sure that her beauty could probably cause at least five blind people to see and cause world peace.
"Mr Potter" Dumbledore said but Harry didn't respond as he was too busy looking at Crystal "Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter? Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! Mr Potter?! MR POTTER?! MR POTTER?! I'm speaking to you! Mr Potter?! Hello! Can you hear me?! MR POTTER?!"
"Uh...Harry" Crystal spoke quietly
"Yeah?" Harry immediately responded, much to the annoyance of Dumbledore
"The headmaster wants you" Crystal pointed at Dumbledore
"Tough shit for him, I'm your boyfriend" Harry smiled at her
"No...I think he wants to talk to you"
"Fine" Harry sighed and turned to Dumbledore "I'm flattered sir but I'm not into dudes and you are not nearly handsome enough to make me question my own sexuality"
"Mr Potter, how did you get in my office?"
"Well, when a beautiful lady wishes for me enough I magically appear" He nudged Crystal
"Mr Potter will you please stop flirting with Miss Peters?"
"NEVER!"
"And just listen to me for a second" Dumbledore continued "now, it may have escaped your notice but Miss Peters is a siren. Do you know what that means?"
"I won't have need for a harem when I'm older because she will more than make up for it"? Harry guessed
"No"
"I'll have to learn to start speaking fish?"
"No"
"I'm with the best looking girl in school?"
"No"
"Now hang on a bloody minute! I am with the best looking girl in school and how dare you say otherwise?!"
"Mr Potter, that is not what I meant" Dumbledore sighed "as a siren, Miss Peters has a special bond with you and..."
"Let me cut you off right there Dumbass" Harry cut him off
"Dumbledore" Dumbledore corrected him
"Dumbass" Harry continued speaking "I know all about the siren bond and all that. I've done extensive research and I know all about sirens, if she doesn't stay close by me then she'll suffer and die and I'm never letting that happen"
"Now Mr Potter, I really think that...you should stop eating my lemon drops" He said as Harry took the entire bowl "Mr Potter, those are mine!"
"No, they're mine" Harry said
"No, they're mine" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're mine!" Harry said
"No, they're mine!" Dumbledore said
"No, they're yours!" Harry shouted
"No, they are your lemon drops Mr Potter!"
"Are you deaf?! I said that they are your lemon drops!"
"For the last time Mr Potter, these are your lemon drops!" Dumbledore shouted back "If I hear you backchat me one more time then I will put you in detention!"
"Fine!" Harry shot to his feet and grabbed Crystal before storming out angrily with both the lemon drops and the girl.
"Hmm" Dumbledore sighed "glad to see he knows that I...wait...son of a bitch!" Dumbledore leapt to his feet and ran after them but, to his shock and horror, he found that they were gone. It was at that precise moment that Albus Dumbledore, defeater of dark lords, fell to his knees and let out a cry. "That...was...my last packet" He sobbed. It never occurred to him that he could simply just go out and buy another packet, he was too busy, busy dealing with his broken heart.
"Have you done your homework?" Crystal asked Harry as they were in the library
"No, I was too busy looking at you" Harry smiled at her
"Would you be serious for one moment?" She asked with an amused look on her face
"I didn't know you were into older men" He said as he waved his wand and made himself look like Sirius Black
"Not funny" She said, tempted to slap him on the back of the head, but her siren bond wouldn't like that
"Maybe I'm out of practise" Harry turned back into himself "I blame you for this"
"Blame me?" She blurted out in surprise
"Yes, I have a set amount of chaos to produce every chapter..."
"Chapter?" She raised an eyebrow
"And you're putting me off with your angelic looks and heavenly smell and loveable laughter. Darn you and your perfection! You just have to look so pretty with all that damn makeup"
"I'm not wearing make up" Crystal pointed out
"Damn, you are beautiful" Harry looked at her as if it was the first time
"Thank you" She smiled proudly
"I need something...I need something to help cause chaos. The audience expects it"
"Audience? What are you on about?"
"The fourth wall darling, I'm breaking it, it's rather fun to do so. As of the moment I'm destroying it so bad that it's calling out for it's mother. Now, what do I need to get the ball rolling? Hmm, preferably an idiot or two. Yes, I need an idiot, any type of idiot"
"Hey, Harry" Ron walked up to him with Hermione Granger
"Oh, the worse kind" Harry commented as they came over
"Alright Harry? Up for a game of chess?" Ron offered
"I'm up for a game with someone's chest but they haven't quite developed yet" Harry looked at Crystal as if she had intentionally not grown yet. Unsurprisingly the joke flew so far above Ron's head it nearly collided with a plane. "Oi Crystal, do you want to go for a walk and a picnic?" Harry asked
"I'd love to" She smiled
"Awesome" Harry grinned
"Have you done your homework yet?" Hermione asked
"I have" Crystal said proudly
"Nah" Harry shook his head "too busy staring at her" He stuck a thumb at Crystal
"But it's due in tomorrow at ten!" Hermione said as if he had just forgotten how to make the cure to cancer
"I find half past nine to be a very productive time to do homework" Harry calmly replied
"You can't leave it to the last minute!" Hermione told him off
"I know, which is why I'm leaving it until the last thirty minutes" Harry smirked proudly as if he had just come up with the cure to cancer "see, smarter than I look"
"It's irresponsible of you to leave it until tomorrow" Hermione continued "homework is important and needs to be done on time"
"It's homework, not a woman" Harry objected
"Huh?" Ron said
"I get it!" Crystal proudly smiled
"Of course you did" Harry kissed her on the forehead which sent shivers up her entire body "that's because you're a smart girl, smartest in the school"
"Excuse me, I'm the smartest in the school" Hermione said
"I doubt that" Harry said
"Fine, I'll prove it to you. Ask me any question" She challenged him
"Fine" Harry stood up, Crystal took that as her que to do the same "How do you lift an elephant with one hand and no magic?" He left as he could see the cogs grinding in that girls head
"How do you lift an elephant with one hand and no magic?" Crystal asked once they were far enough away
"I'd start with finding an elephant that only has one hand" Harry smirked "that'll keep her distracted for a while"
"Harry" Ron clearly didn't take the hint and followed after him "sorry about Hermione, she can be right annoying"
"Yeah, she can" Crystal nodded in agreement
"Harry, why are you hanging out with her?" Ron gestured to Crystal, once her allure develops she would be the most sought after girl in school but as of the moment she was just another girl
"Because she fills my heart with joy the same way one of your silent but deadly farts would fill Snape's potion class" Harry answered with a straight face, causing both Crystal and Ron to blush, both for different reasons.
"Well...surely there are other people you could hang out with" Ron said, hoping Harry would take the hint and hang out with him
"Well, let's run through the list of people I know" Harry said "Draco Malfoy is a twat and I just don't like him. Crabbe and Goyle have the combined intellectual compacity of a deranged mule child, without someone telling them what to do they'd be more confused than a homeless person under house arrest. Pansy Parkinson is like a magnet"
"How so?" Crystal asked
"Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front" Harry answered "Millicent doesn't seem to like me, may or may not have something to do with the fact that I nearly cost her hair with a stray spell but who could say for sure. Let's move on to Ravenclaw, I don't remember any of them apart from that one girl who had a twin in Gryffindor. Already have plenty of friends in Hufflepuff, as for Gryffindor..."
"Yeah?" Ron nodded excitedly
"Dean Thomas may want to discuss football with me and I hate football. I am not being friends with Seamus Finnegan because I am absolutely CONVINCED that he is after me lucky charms!"
"What lucky charms?" Crystal asked
"I can't say" Harry said with so much seriousness in his voice that Sirius at his most serious serious moment would never seriously be as serious as him "he might find out" He added in a whisper, looking around to see if he could see anyone listening in. It didn't help that he saw someone move in the shadows a little way down the hall.
"What about any other Gryffindor's?" Ron pushed him on
"Hmm, you're right" Harry smiled "Neville!" He shouted "That guy is so interesting!"
"Neville?!" Ron blurted out in disbelief "Neville?! NEVILLE?!"
"Yes, he's the best!" Harry smiled "I'll go talk to him later, but for now, picnic!" He grabbed Crystal and lead her away
"Neville?!" Ron repeated "Neville?! NEVILLE?!"
"Yeah?" Neville appeared beside him
"NEVILLE!" Ron shouted at him before storming off
"What did I do?" A confused and slightly terrified Neville asked
"Oh, goodness me I am tired" Madam Hooch sighed as she plopped down into the staff room
"What's wrong with you?" Flitwick asked
"I had to cover another detention with Mr Potter because McGonagall and Snape couldn't do it" She rubbed her eyes "I had to have him write 'Seamus Finnegan is not after me lucky charms' fifty times. Just the last week I had to make him write 'I will not draw dark marks on sleeping students', the week before that I had to have him write 'I will not ask professor Snape if today's potion could be used as a sexual lubricant'. Professor Snape and McGonagall have had him write many different lines throughout the weeks"
"Like what?" Flitwick asked
"So many things. I actually have a list of things we've had him write since he's come to Hogwarts:
'I've heard every joke about Oliver Wood's name is not a challenge'
'I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl'
'I will not address Prefect Tonks as the pretty prefect'
'When Professor Snape says shake it, he is referring to the potion and/or it's ingredients, not my booty'
'There is no fifth Hogwarts house, and I am neither it's founder nor a member'
'I will not ask Professor Snape to allow me to punch him to see if words appear above his head'
'Professor Snape does not have a Snape mobile, Snape wing or any other vehicle that starts with the word Snape'
'I will not play pranks with the Weasley twins'
'I will not let the Weasley twins play pranks with me'
"I will not tell Draco Malfoy why his mother is a milf nor will I tell Ronald Weasley why his mother isn't a milf'
'I will not tell Ronald Weasley why Draco's mother is a milf, nor will I tell Draco Malfoy why Ronald Weasley's mother isn't a milf'
'I will not explain to the other students what a milf means'
'My mother did not create god's gift to human kind'
'I am not god's gift to human kind'
'Springtime with Voldemort is not an exceptional idea for a class play'
'Professor Dumbledore isn't, nor has he ever been, in love with a goat'
'Asking how to keep a Gryffindor in suspense and walking away is only funny the first time'
'Caretaker Filch is not a pedophile'
'It is not amusing to jump out and shout boo at Professor Quirrell randomly'
'I am not being repressed'
'I will not fight the power'
'Crystal Peters is my girlfriend, not my second in command for when I take over the world'
'I will not greet Professor McGonagall with the words what's new pussycat?'
'I will not run up the girls stairs to see how far I go before they turn into slides'
'Hermione Granger is a muggleborn, not a mover of porn'
'It is absolutely silly to confuse the word muggleborn with mover of porn'
'Professor Snape is not hiding a stack of porn under his desk, nor has he received the previously mentioned porn from Hermione Granger'
'I will not ask Hermione Granger for porn, nor will I explain what porn means to Hermione Granger'
'Professor Snape is not into bondage'
'I will not threaten to shove a school broomstick up Draco Malfoy'
'Having a girlfriend does not mean I'm better than Professor Snape'
'Ronald Weasley does have a soul'
'The forbidden forest is forbidden for a reason'
'Dumbledore is not stealing my sweets'
'I will not ask Professor Snape if I could borrow his porn for a weekend'
'I am not, nor have I ever been the sexiest thing to enter Hogwarts'
'Trevor the toad is not, nor has he ever been the runner up for being the sexiest thing to enter Hogwarts'
'Being ugly is not a requirement for the Slytherin team'
'I will not juggle three wands at the same time'
'I will not juggle three people at the same time'
'I will not juggle three jugs at the same time'
'I will not juggle three juggling jugglers at the same time'
'I am allowed to have a pet owl, cat or toad, I am not allowed to have a pet grim, King Cobra or sloth'
'42 is not the answer to everything'
'Draco Malfoy is not a girl in disguise'
'I will learn the difference between twins and double vision'
'Madam Pomfrey does not want patients because she has no social life'
'House elves are not suitable replacements for bludgers'
'I will not dress as a house elf to help promote house elfs'
'House elves serve Hogwarts and it's students, they were not brought here to serve only me'
'The house elves will not be told to refer to me as they're overlord'
'I will stop reminding people that my girlfriend is better than their girlfriends'
'Recognising that I am crazy does not give me an excuse to keep being crazy'
'My father is probably not encouraging my behaviour from heaven'
'I will not attempt to bribe Professor McGonagall with catnip'
'I will not attempt to help my godfather get some by telling the female professors once you go black you never go back'
'My penis is not bigger than Hagrid's'
'Homework is to help me learn, not attempt to brainwash me'
'The book, Hogwarts:a history, is meant for reading not burning'
'The library is for studying and homework, not spontaneously busting into dance'
'Hermione Granger is not my parole officer'
'I will not attempt to clone my girlfriend and produce my own harem' oh and 'I will stop singing the batman theme song when Professor Snape enters the room'. Honestly, that boy is so much trouble"
"Maybe for you" Flitwick replied "I find him to be a wonderous boy"
"Oh yes" Sprout agreed "absolutely wonderful, do you know that he's introduced me to a new muggle thing called marijuana? Needless to say I'm hooked on it. Would you like to try some?"
"Mr Potter, Mr Black" Fudge said joyfully as he and Dolores Umbridge saw the two in the ministry, Sirius had come because he and Harry needed to official. sign to become Harry's guardian. Harry had come because JustBored21 had promised him that Umbridge would be dealt with this chapter and he expected to see it happen.
"Fudge" Sirius said coolly as the two approached
"Oh, no thank you, I don't like Fudge" Harry said
"You what?" Umbridge narrowed her eyes at Harry
"I don't like Fudge, it keeps getting stuck in-between my teeth. My favourite chocolate so far is...I actually don't know. I'll have to go on a tasting spree soon"
"Pleasure to meet you Mr Potter, I am the minister of magic" Fudge said proudly
"Oh, I think I have a picture of you somewhere" Harry rummaged in his pockets, he pulled out a long pole, a ten foot pole to be exact
"Mr Potter?" Fudge looked at Harry's pole that had come out of his pocket, the actual pole, with disbelief
"Extension charm" Harry explained as he pulled out a pair of sunglasses "no, that's not it. Give me a minute" This time he pulled out a skateboard "oh, hold that for me" He handed it to Umbridge who just sneered and placed it on the floor next to herself as he began searching through his pockets. He pulled out a PlayStation, an X-box, dog treats, a few boxes of shoes, some hair conditioner, a lamp, chocolate bars, a wallet, leg warmers, a blanket, a bowl, a water bottle, flowers, bananas, a fake Thor's hammer followed by the real one, a toad which for some reason bounced towards Umbridge, four baby turtles, a green vile of ooze, nail clippers, a samurai sword, hand moisturiser, nun chucks, a bowling ball, a bo staff, web shooters, two sais, an autographed picture from Daniel Radcliffe and a pack of playing cards before he found the picture. "Here it is" He smiled and handed him the latest picture of Fudge in the news
"Ah...uh...thank you Harry" Fudge smiled as he looked over the unflattering picture, he needed to talk to the Prophet, they made his nose look massive in this "do you have anything else in those pockets of yours?" He joked as he reached into Harry's hand, but he quickly jumped back when he felt something hard snap on his fingers. "Ow!" He yelped as his hand got stuck in a mouse trap, he was so surprised that he accidently pushed Umbridge.
Dolores Umbridge, undersecretary to the minister of magic himself, found herself speeding down the halls of the ministry at high speed whilst on top of the skateboard she had landed on. Fortunately, for everybody but her, she was heading straight towards a pair of dementors that were waiting outside of a court room.
"MINISTER!" She screamed in terror
"No! No! Dolores!" Fudge screamed "No! Someone stop...oh shit!"
"Aaaaannnnnnnddddddddd she's gone" Harry said quietly, everyone was quiet. Sirius was halfway between being terrified and wanting to laugh. Harry, with all the tact of a left handed ape in a washing machine, clapped his hands together and turned to Sirius "so, who's up for Chinese?" He said cheerily. Everyone turned to look at him.
"Mr Potter!" Fudge snarled
"What?!" Harry said defensively "It's not like anyone will miss her!"
"That's not the point! Oh, poor Dolores! She's gone. Dead! We'll never hear her voice again!"
"And a SUPRISINGLY quick erection from Harry" Harry commented "shame the general thought of Umbridge cancelled it out immediately"
"Uh...we'll be off now" Sirius said as he grabbed Harry and lead him away
"Don't worry minister!" Harry shouted as he was being pulled away "Just because you pushed her towards the dementor doesn't mean that you're a murderer!" Fudge paled as he saw everyone turn their eyes towards him. "It's not like anyone will miss her anyway" Harry added before Sirius apparated the two away.