Sir God, the Egocentric

As I look around myself, all I see is a world surrounded by flames. Nothing around me seems real, it's like everything is made out of fire itself finally...A deep commanding voice questions me. "HOW DARE A MAR SOUL, ENTER MY DOMAIN? EXPLAIN YOURSELF HUMAN!"

"I-uh. W-who are you?" WHO AM I? HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME!? LOWER BEINGS SUCH AS YOURSELF HAVE NO RIGHT TO QUESTION A GOD! THE INSOLENCE!"

The voice is so commanding, that it makes me swallow hard out of fear, even though, I have no saliva to speak of.

Sir God, m- my name is Gideon. (I say with a stutter) "To answer your question. I have no idea why, nor where I am."

It takes the self-proclaimed God a few minutes or hours to respond. Honestly, I can't exactly tell.

After all, time here is quite different than what I'm used to, back home.

Finally, he speaks again.

"I SEE TRUTH YOUR WORDS. "However,(he says with the same commanding tone of voice, but without all the yelling this time.) That doe not excuse you. (He poses, dramatically.) For trespassing on my domain.

When he's finished. I pick my words carefully and then say.

"Sir God, I am terribly sorry."

"If I offended a being such as yourself by being here, it was never my intention."

(It feels wrong bootlicking this so-called God like that, but self-preservation comes first.)

"I haven't the slightest idea of how I got myself into the domain of a wise and powerful God., such as yourself."

"Please, be merciful and forgive this lower being transgression."

(I almost vomited with that one. But flattery always seems to work on arrogant assfaces. Let's hope it works on egocentric Gods as well.)

To my delight, it does, like a charm, if I say so myself.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA."

"INDEED, LITTLE HUMAN, YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF A POWERFUL GOD."

(Great, we're back to the screaming.)

"THE MOST POWERFUL OF THEM ALL." He finishes lamely.

(Yeah, this dude has a major ego problem.)

"BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTICED MY GREATNESS, THIS TIME ONLY, I WILL MAKE AN EXCEPTION."

(Ok, that was way too easy. Is this guy an idiot or something? Not that I'm complaining, but still.)

YOUR TRESPASSING ON MY DOMAIN, IS FORGIVEN.

(YESS!!! I scream in my head. I'm so glad this egotistical ass is such a retard, that he can't even notice a simple lie.)

(If I had met an intelligent God, or simply one that wasn't too self-involved, I'd be done for.)

(I cringe remembering I'm still dead.)

Before I can get too comfortable though, he barks again.

"NONETHELESS, YOU CANNOT STAY HERE! THIS PLACE ISN'T MEANT FOR HUMANS."

"WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH YOU?"

He asks to no one in particular.

An idea comes to mind, and I say it before I realize who I'm talking to.

"CAN YOU SEND ME BACK TO EARTH?"

"I-I mean, it shouldn't be too hard for a powerful being like yourself," I say, hoping he doesn't get the wrong idea and decides to destroy me.

EARTH? IS THAT WHERE YOU COME FROM, HUMAN?

"Yes, yes that's my home planet," I say too eagerly. The self-proclaimed God doesn't talk for a while and I get impatient. (Maybe he's not as powerful as he proclaimed. He is very dumb after all .)

Breaking me out of my thoughts he finally says.

I CAN SEND YOU BACK TO THE PLANET YOU CALL EARTH.

"Great!! I yell excitingly."

"HOWEVER,(Great...) (There is a but. Why is there always a but? Stupid Gad!)

"I CANNOT SEND YOU TO THE SAME TIME-PERIODE YOU CAME FROM"

The moment he said that my mind went into overdrive. Not the same time-periode.

(Oh God, when will he send me back to? Not into a world war, or worse the Roman Empire. No that will be worse than being dead!)

"Sir God, I say full of hope but mostly worry." After all, he's a stupid God. "When In time, will you send me back to?"

"THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU. AS LONG AS IT IS, AT LEAST, 1000 YEARS BEFORE YOUR TIME."

I finally calm down. 1000 years before my time. That would make it, the middle ages.

(I can live with that! I won't have to deal with the Romans, nor a fucking nuc to the face.)

(But I'll still have the fucking Catholic church to deal with, not to mention the Vikings.)

Well, you win some, you lose some. Anyways, if I keep myself on their good side; maybe I won't have it that bad.)

(The Vikings I mean. There is no way the church will leave me be if I get what I want.)

"Ok! (I finally respond) "But those are really hard times. I won't be able to defend myself."

"Can you give me something so I can have a fighting chance? I beg him with stars practically forming in my eyes."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA."

"WHAT AN AMUSING HUMAN YOU ARE. GREEDY AS WELL!"

Right, when I'm about to think I screwed everything up, he says.

I WILL GIVE YOU 3 WISHES SHOUSE THEM WISELY. THERE IS NO TAKE-BACKS.

(Is he for real? I'm so sorry for ever calling you stupid) (This God is the genius!)

"You are as merciful as you are wise," I say, this time, actually meaning it.

"YOU ARE NOT WRONG, HUMAN. HOWEVER, I SUGGEST YOU HURRY ALONG MY MERCIFULNESS HAS ITS LIMITS. "

I swallow hard, nod my head and start deciding. Once I've decided what I want I ask him.

"Can I ask for anything with my 3 witches?"

"YOU CAN ONLY ASK FOR THINGS THAT CANNOT OVERPOWER YOUR WORLD."

I smile, with satisfaction, as I wasn't going to ask for something too OP anyway.

"Ok, my first wish is for immortality. "PREDICTABLE, BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE. CONTINUE! I smile with glee.

"My second wish is to have Harry Potter magic."

"HAHAHA. THAT IS QUITE THE GREEDINESS. I WILL GRANT YOU THIS, BUT ONLY THE SPELLS YOU CAN REMEMBER."

"FURTHERMORE, YOU CAN ONLY TEACH IT TO A MAXIMUM OF 3 PEOPLE PER CENTURY."

(I'm not planning on teaching anyone, so the 3 person rule is fine by me, I guess. Only getting the spells I remember is a bummer though. I know a few but not all. Plus I was hoping I could create new ones.)

Finally, I say, "I want the Omnitrix."

"Before you say no, let me explain first. I only want 10 aliens, the same ones from, alien force. But only the powers, not the transformations.

"HUMAN, YOUR GREED, KNOWS NO BOUNDS. I WILL GRANT YOU THIS AS WELL, HOWEVER, YOU CANNOT BE THE BEARER OF THE WATCH."

"YOU CAN CHOOSE THE PERSON WHO WILL WEAR IT, BUT NOTHING MORE."

My heart sank with the news.

(I take it back, this dude is the worst!!)

(I guess, I'm still getting the watch, so Iit's not too bad. It was a long shot anyway.)

Having the Omnitrix would be awesome, even if I wouldn't get to wear it.

"Can I deactivate it with voice command if it ever goes into the wrong hands?" I ask, pleading.

He, once again, makes his dramatic pose, which makes my heart ache with anticipation.

After who knows how long he responds.

"HUMAN, THIS WILL BE ACCEPTABLE. BUT YOU WILL ONLY HAVE 3 CHANCES TO USE IT."

"IF THE OBJECT GOES INTO THE WRONG HANDS, AS YOU SAY, MORE THAN 3 TIMES THEN IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO RETRIEVE IT, WITHOUT THIS FUNCTION."

I nod my head in agreement. (Three times is not too bad. I hope it doesn't come to that though.)

"VERY WELL HUMAN, I WILL SEND YOU BACK TO YOUR WORLD 1000 YEARS BEFORE YOUR TIME. WHEN YOU WAKE UP YOU WILL HAVE THE OBJECT YOU WISHED FOR ON YOUR LEFT WRIST."

"WITH YOU, IT WILL ONLY SERVE TO TELL TIME AND THE CURRENT DATE AND PLACE. UNTIL YOU FIND ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER."

"THE MAGIC YOU DESIRE WILL BE WITHIN YOU. TO USE IT, YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY THE SPELL, OUT LOUD OR IN YOUR HEAD, IT'LL WORK REGARDLESS."

"FINALLY, YOU WILL BE IMMORTAL BUT ONLY UNTIL THE DAY, YOU DIED. WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT UP WITH YOUR PAST SELF'S DYING DAY, YOUR PRESENT SELF'S IMMORTALITY WILL FADE."

"YOU WILL THEN LIVE FOR 20 YEARS AND FINALLY DIE. THIS TIME, FOREVERMORE.

Hearing this last clause, I wanted to protest but ultimately decide against it. This was more than fair.

"Thank you, Sir God. I have one last question before you send me on my way." Will I look the same way I used to before I died?"

This time he responded right away.

"NO! I WILL GIVE YOU THE FACE AND BODY YOU WISH FOR. WHAT WILL IT BE? BE FAST ABOUT IT!"

I start to think for a second, then I ask him if he can make me look like Chris Woods.

AS YOU WISH, HUMAN. MAY WE NEVER CROSS PASS AGAIN!

And on that note, I fade away.