INSECURITIES

KIERAN

The two-year old alarm clock on my night stand rings out, the annoying sounds awakening me for the second time today. I groan and slam my palm against the top of the alarm clock, silencing it instantly.

There goes my plan to sleep in today.

"Kieran sweetie! I think it's time to wake up!" Mum's voice drifts into my room and I roll my eyes, dragging my tired body out of my comfortable bed. I amble across the room and push the door open before making my way towards the only bathroom in our two bedroom apartment. Still rubbing my eyes, I walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I catch sight of my reflection in the shiny mirror. Taking a moment to stare at my pale, acne or pimple free face, I tilt my head to the left, my midnight black hair falling over my face in a very messy manner. Glaring at my reflection which shows how frazzled I actually am, I push my hair off my forehead. My green eyes are so weird, I've never seen eyes like mine. They're so pale, it's almost as if they glitter. My nose is too straight- too perfect. My lips are Cupid bow-like and it's a startling red. Girls are always gushing over my otherworldly beauty with statements like:

Kier, you're stunning.

Kier, you should have been a girl. You're too pretty to be a guy.

Kier, I love your eyes.

Kier, you're smoking hot.

Do you use make-up?

But, that's the problem. Everyone's attracted to my body, not me. Everyone is so fascinated by how I look and no one pays attention to the real me. It's fine though. I don't have the energy to argue. I can't afford to be a disappointment. I grab my toothbrush and flinch when mum yells again.

"Kieran! You're gonna be late if you don't hurry up!"

Huffing under my breath, I begin my morning routine. By the time I'm walking out of the bathroom, water droplets are trickling down my body with a towel secured around my waist.

The problem is that I don't feel energized at all. I feel so tired and I just wanna sleep. It's my first day at senior year but I'm dreading it already. I can't go to school feeling so tired. A tired Kieran is a disaster. I'd stayed up last night owing to the fact that I hadn't been able to sleep. I'd only managed to fall asleep by four a.m. I trudge into my room and get dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a white hoodie. Then, I style my hair absentmindedly and haul my ass downstairs to have breakfast. Mum is standing in our small kitchen when I walk in. Her vibrant red hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail. Her tired blue eyes are really bright despite the dark bags beneath her eyes.

"Morning, mum" I greet.

"Morning, sweetie" she replies, gazing at me fondly.

"Sleeping beauty is finally awake" Aidan, my younger brother mumbles as he bites into his apple. I roll my eyes and lean against the counter as mum moves my breakfast towards me.

Pancakes and orange juice.

I shoot her a grateful smile.

"Morning, Kier" Arlene, my younger sister greets with a small smile playing on her lips. "Morning, Arlie" I say and she grins.

"You look so tired, sweetie. I don't like seeing these under your eyes. Your face is too pretty for all that" mum says, her fingers lightly brushing the dark circles beneath my eyes. "Couldn't sleep last night" I admit and she sighs.

"You should've come to me. I would've given you some sleeping pills" she says and Aidan snickers.

"I'm fine" I sigh.

"Great, we're going to be late" Aidan scoffs and I grab an apple. Picking up my backpack, I start to head out of the kitchen with my food still on the counter, barely touched.

"Kieran! You haven't touched your breakfast" mom points out. "Not really hungry"

"You have to eat. You have to stay healthy, Kier. I need you to always look good. John will be here when you come home. He'll take you to the studio and you'll be doing some more photoshoot. I'm excited! We're going to be getting more money this week" Mum says and I clench my fist.

John is my mother's third boyfriend since the beginning of this year. He's the one who had convinced mum to make me do photoshoots for different labels in order to gain money. Money that is mostly spent on drugs and alcohol.

See?

Even my mum only cares about using me to make money. My opinion doesn't even matter. But that's okay. I'm the first child and the well-being of my family is my responsibility.

"Come on, guys. Let's go" I say and start to head out of the house with my siblings. "Bye, Kier! Stay out of trouble! Love you!" Mum says.

"Love you too!" I reply as we get into mum's old Chevrolet.

The car gives a painful shudder and awful loud groans before starting. I heave a sigh before driving off.

*******

The large hall of Morrisville Community High is filled with students bustling all over the place. I heave a sigh hating the fact that I never blend well even amongst other students. My 'beauty' makes me stick out like a sore thumb.

"I totally hate school" Aidan grumbles and walks away.

Arlie smiles and holds my hand.

"You look like you'd rather be anywhere but here" She comments, giving me a sidelong glance.

"Unfortunately, you're absolutely correct. I'm dreading the whole 'Kier, you look gorgeous, Kier, here's my number'" I sigh, brushing my hair out of my eyes. "You'll be fine. After senior year, it'll all be over"

I shrug, knowing fully well that she was wrong. It would never be over.

"Your filthy rich supermodel girlfriend is heading this way" Arlie whispers, nudging me slightly.

I groan, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"She doesn't look happy, Kier"

"I think it's because I refused to go out with her during the summer vacation"

"Good luck, Kier. You'll need it" Arlie says, trying to suppress her laughter.

I scoff and she rises on her tiptoes to press a kiss to my cheek.

"I'll see you later, big bro" she says and walks away just as my girlfriend, Ava Gretchen approaches me.

"Hey, handsome" She says, beaming at me.

"Hey, beautiful" I say and she grins. Ava places her hand on my chest and pulls me in for a kiss.

"I missed you" she says when we pull apart. I give her a sheepish smile and shove my hands into the pockets of my jeans.

"You did?"

"What did you do during the vacation?" Ava asks.

"Nothing serious"

"Wow, why am I not surprised?" She says, her lips pinched tightly into a grim line.

"What's that supposed to mean? I love you, Ava. But we've been going out a lot even before the vacation. I just needed a break"

"So, you just didn't want to go on a vacation with me because you wanted a break? What am I to you, Kier? A thing? You disappointed me and I really don't like that one bit" she says, her grey eyes boring into my green ones. The air whooshes out of my lungs and I drop my gaze, my stomach turning to lead.

'Disappointment'.

I hate that word. I have so many fears but the biggest fear I have, is the fear of disappointing others.

I've just disappointed the girl I love and I feel like vanishing into thin air.

"----Do you have any idea how disappointing that is?"

I turn away from her immeadietly, bile threatening to make it's way up my throat. My breathing speeds up and my thoughts starts to go haywire.

'Disappointment. You're a disappointment. A failure. You can't even make your girlfriend happy. How pathetic'.

More panic begins to set in and I begin to tremble. The voices in my head begins to mock me and my chest feels so tight, I can't breathe.

Somewhere at the back of my mind, I try to push this fear aside because I can't let Ava see me like this. I know what's coming next since this isn't the first time this is happening. I'm about to have a full blown panic attack and I'll do anything to prevent this. But, I feel like I'm completely paralyzed, frozen to place.

"...Kier, are you okay? I'm sorry I-I didn't mean that" Ava says, cupping my face.

I stare at her, trying to steady my breathing.

"I-its fine. I have to go now. I'll see you later" I say and walk away with my legs feeling like jelly.

A lone tear rolls down my left cheek and I angrily wipe it off. I'm such a wimp. As soon as I get to my locker, someone yells my name.

"Kier! There you are buddy. I've been looking for you!" My best friend, Minjun says giving me a side hug.

I force out a smile and he returns it, his brown eyes twinkling with mischief.

"Damn, you look really good. You're literally glowing"

I roll my eyes and slam my locker shut.

"Gee thanks" I say and rest my forehead against my locker.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asks, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I shake my head, tiredly.

"It's nothing"

"It's not nothing. That means it's something. What happened?"

"Ava is mad at me"

"She is? Wait, is this about you not going on a vacation with her?"

"Something like that"

Minjun sighs and gazes at me for a moment. He doesn't just look, he gazes. See what I mean? Minjun's a 100% straight but anytime he gazes at me, it suddenly seems like he's actually gay.

It's the whole angelic beauty stuff, even Min can't resist it.

The worst part is that I'm not even trying at all.

"You're really not supposed to be on Earth, Kier. I mean, you have a heart of gold and all you think about is making others happy even if you're not even happy. Remember that time she stood you up? You weren't even mad. Instead, you apologized to her and set up another date. But that wasn't the only time she stood you up, was it? She did it four times but you- Damn, Ava is fucking crazy if she thinks she is allowed to be mad at you"

"She's not crazy" I say, biting my lower lip.

"There we go again" he sighs

"Come on, let's go to class. We're going to be late" he says and I follow him to English class, my mind hollow. Deep down, there's a part of me that wishes I'd never met Ava. If only I'd had the courage to say no to her. It all started during sophomore...