30. Chapter 30 - Sam Antics

This was supposed to be a short little joke chapter based on something I came up with while talking to my friends, and it grew into something much bigger than I'd intended. Now I sleep forever.

Lincoln's eyes snapped open as he jerked awake, reflexively reaching out to silence his alarm clock. He stopped partway through the motion, only then realizing that there was nothing to silence. A moment of confusion, switfly dispelled as realization clawed its way through his sleep numbed brain, then relief.

Lincoln lay back down, a relieved smile on his face. It was Friday. And not just any Friday, a teacher inservice day! The first of three glorious days of no school!

It was mildly annoying that his body hadn't gotten the memo, but that was nothing that a few more hours of sleep couldn't fix. Then he could have a nice hot breakfast, and get started on all the things he'd been forced to put off. Might as well get the tough stuff out of the way first: there few some scripts that needed to be polished, and some art that needed to be touched up, but then! Then he could get to the fun stuff! He had a campaign to put together!

A grin broke out across Lincoln's face as he remembered how insistent his sisters had been that they be allowed to play with him, Sam, and Luna. His first instinct had been to refuse, not because he didn't want to run a game for his sisters, but simply because six people was a lot of players to manage. More than he'd ever had in a single game before. He simply wasn't confident in his ability to run a game of that size. But...seeing the looks of longing on their faces, how could he refuse? Lori in particular had looked like she was on the verge of tears. And so he'd agreed, simply resolving to perform to the best of his ability. It was a request from his sisters, how could he do any less?

Naturally, such a game was going to require a lot of prep work. Coming up with a story shouldn't be too hard, he had a lot of material for his comic that he could draw from, but that was only a small portion of the workload. The girls, novices as they were, would need him to roll up characters for them, though thankfully the hard part of coming up with character concepts had already been dealt with. At this point it was simply a matter of stating them out. But that was only half the battle. There were encounters to plan, maps to draw, miniatures to assemble and paint...

WHAM!

...and then he apparently needed to install a new lock on his door...

"Lincoln Loud, you're coming with me!" Shouted a distressingly loud, extremely Sam-like voice.

Lincoln remained still, hoping he could fool the intruder into thinking he was asleep. Several heartbeats passed, and no further sound came. Suspecting otherwise, but still hoping for the best, Lincoln cautiously opened his eyes, just a crack. Though his vision was blurred, both from proximity and from sleep, he was still able to make out the distinctly Sam-like face positioned only inches from his own.

"Wakey, wakey, Linky." She breathed softly, winking at him coquettishly

...Dangit.

"Hello, Sam." He mumbled, trying to play cool in spite of the fact that there was an older, and extremely attractive girl in his bed. The fact that she was fully clothed this time helped somewhat. "What are you doing here so early? And also, at all?"

"I need you to come with me." She repeated, the intensity of her gaze boring into him.

"...Does Luna know about this?" He asked, after a moment of consideration.

"Well..."

A few minutes earlier...

WHAM! Went Luna's bedroom door as a familiar blonde-haired girl burst through it.

"LunaI'mtakingLincolnbecauseitssuperimportantandifyouhaveanyobjectionsyouneedtosaythembeforeIfinishthissentenceokay?"

Sam paused for a moment, then smiled, hearing only the sound of her girlfriend's snoring. Good old Luna, sleeping like a rock. Now for phase two...

She began to creep back out into the hallway when, to her surprise, the form of a different Loud sister presented itself, untangling herself from her bundle of blankets.

"Do I have any say in this?" Asked an extremely sleepy Luan.

"...No." Said Sam after a moment of consideration, pulling the door shut behind her.

One last, disappointed "Aw..." drifted out after her as Sam made her exit.

"So everything's okay!" Sam proclaimed

"...Sam, you didn't say anything. You just looked away for a second, then announced that everything was okay."

"Keep up, Linc!" She admonished him. "We're burning daylight!"

Lincoln sighed in resignation. "I'm not getting out of this, am I?"

"Nope!"

"Fine. Just wait outside while I change, I guess."

"Aw. I'm pretty comfy right here..."

"L-leave, Sam!"

"Spoilsport."

Lincoln trudged behind Sam as they made their way downstairs and out the door, trying to shake off the lingering effects of his interrupted rest.

He locked the front door behind him, gave a short wave to the bushes currently being occupied by Maggie (Probably none of my business, he thought to himself), and the pair set off down the street. A short visit to a nearby bus stop, and they were soon on their way, thanks to the wonders of public transportation.

It was this point that his thoughts finally regained the sharpness he'd been missing. The world around him snapping into focus as he suddenly gained the mental acuity to process the situation he now found himself in.

"So where are we going?" Lincoln asked, idly observing the scenery as it passed by. Tree. Car. Tree. Car. Tree. Car in tree, that was a new one.

"Yeah, about that..." Sam began, hesitantly. "First off, you should probably avoid answering your phone..."

Almost as if on cue, Lincoln's pocket began singing.

Lincoln Loud! Lincoln Loud! The best dang brother anywhere around...!

Sam favored the younger boy with a smirk and an upraised eyebrow. "Seriously, dude?"

"What?" He protested as the jingle ran its course. "It's a good song!"

"It's pretty catchy." Sam conceded. "I just mean that it's kinda lame to have a ringtone like—"

Play it loud! Play it loud! I've got no time for turning it down...!

Now it was Lincoln's turn to smirk as the older girl pointedly ignored the raucous arising from her own pocket.

"You gonna finish that thought?" He asked snidely.

"No, I think I've made my point." She discretely reached down and silenced the traitorous device.

Lincoln snorted in amusement at the older girl's antics, gesturing for her to continue.

"Well..." She began. "There I was, lying in bed, thinking deep thoughts, as I do..."

"As you do." Lincoln interjected sardonically.

She nodded before continuing, "...When it occurred to me that my favorite little dude has a date coming up—"

"It's not a date!"

"—And he clearly has no idea how he would handle himself while out and about with a smoking hot blonde. Or Carol Pingrey, for that matter."

"Have you seen Carol Pingrey?" Lincoln asked, dryly.

"I've seen parts of her." Sam waved dismissively.

"Sam!"

"So I decided to offer my services as one such babe." She concluded, giving him a short bow dripping with faux humility. "That way, you'll be more than prepared when you're forced to downgrade."

"Sigh."

"Oooh, that was a good Lucy. Now do Luna!"

"Got a tip for you, Linc." Sam drawled as the duo stepped into Gus'. "I'm an easy going gal, but you're not going to score any points with Pingrey by taking her out to the place she works at."

"Again, not a date." Lincoln replied counting off on his fingers. "Second, I'm getting the distinct impression I'm paying for this."

Lincoln looked to the older girl for confirmation, who immediately shoved her hands in her pockets and began whistling a jaunty tune.

"...Right." He continued. "And third, I get to use Lori's discount when she or Carol are on shift. Speaking of which..."

"Hiya Linc!"

Lincoln quickened his stride with a grin, hardly noticing that Sam's whistling had come to an abrupt stop. The pair made their way to the front counter, whereupon they were met by the smiling face of Carol Pingrey. Still looking dazzling, Lincoln noted, despite wearing that dopey hat.

"Hey Carol." He greeted the senior blonde

"Pingrey." Grunted Sam from behind him. Carol's face wrinkled in confusion.

"Strangely hostile girl?" She asked, confused.

Suddenly her eyes lit up with recognition. "Wait! Weren't you at the convention?"

Carol looked to Lincoln, worriedly.

"It's cool." He reassured her. "I'm not being kidnapped today."

"Day's not over yet." Sam sang softly.

"...Right. Okay then." Carol giggled nervously.

"What can I get you two?" She asked, reaching for a nearby notepad.

"Meat." Sam replied, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "You guys got sausage links?"

"Um, well-"

"Because there's nothing I like more than a nice, hot link in my pie." Sam went on, a grin slowly spreading across her face. "Boy, you give me a pie with a nice big link on, and I'll just—Hey!"

"Sorry, Carol gotta go!" Link shouted, dragging Sam behind him.

"O-oh. Kay." Carol absentmindedly waved goodbye to the departing pair, still trying to process what had just happened.

"I sense displeasure in you." Sam observed dryly as Lincoln dragged her to a quiet corner of the restaurant. She was already loading another quip in the chamber when Lincoln suddenly let go of her arm and spun around.

"What the heck, Sam?"

Well, that was new. Angry Lincoln. Legitimately, shaking with barely restrained rage Lincoln. She had not planned for this.

"Come on, dude." She began, trying to placate the younger boy. "It was just a—"

"A what, Sam?" He spat.

A joke. That's what she'd wanted to say, at least. It hadn't been, not really. She hadn't planned on running into the Pingrey girl. It had blindsided her, made her feel...uncomfortable, and so she'd reacted. But she had a feeling that admitting as much wasn't going to go over well with the pale haired boy. So, she just scratched her head nervously, hemming a bit to herself to stall for time.

"I was just messing around, Linc." She said at last. It sounded weak, even to her.

A few, awkward moments passed, neither of them saying a word. Then, letting out a small sigh, Lincoln trudged over to a nearby booth and sat down, heavily. Sam followed suit, somewhat more hesitantly.

"Why are you guys being like this?" He asked in a small voice. He sounded tired.

"Like what, Linc?"

"Why are you guys being weird about Carol?" This question was a bit more forceful than the previous one.

"We're all just worried about you, little dude."

"But why?" He wasn't looking at her. Not a good sign.

"W-well—"

"Ever since the convention, everybody gets so angry whenever Carol comes up." He threw out his hands in exasperation. "Even Leni! And Leni loves everything!"

"Not spiders." Sam interjected, weakly.

"Not spiders." He conceded, nodding listlessly."I just don't understand what it is about Carol that has you all on edge like this. Sure, she had her dumb rivalry with Lori, but other than that she's never been anything but nice."

He started to continue, but stopped himself, seemingly unsure of what he wanted to say.

"Is...is it that weird that a girl like Carol would want to hang out with a guy like me?"

The pair lapsed back into silence, Sam unsure how to respond to that question without touching upon some very delicate issues.

"I like hanging out with Carol." He said at last. "She's nice. And she's fun to talk to. And we have a lot in common. And I just..."

He sunk back into his seat, emotionally exhausted. "I just wish you guys could all get along."

Now Sam needed a moment to collect herself. This needed to be handled delicately.

"Your sisters just worry about you, man." She said, running one hand through her long hair in irritation.

"Carol's...f-fine." It took every inch of willpower she had to keep the venom out of that word. "It has nothing to do with her. Your sisters would act like this no matter who the girl was. It's you, Linc. They love you a heck of a lot." Especially Luna, she thought to herself.

"And what about you?"

"Excuse me?" She asked, arching one eyebrow.

"What about you? Why do you care so much?"

Sam found she didn't like the tone of that question.

"Lincoln Abraham Loud!" She exclaimed.

"That's not my middle—"

"How dare you ask me that question!" She slammed her fists on the table.

"You're the one who said that I was basically your sister! Well, that's a two way street, bucko! The way I see it, you're the little brother I never had!"

He blinked in surprise. "I'm pretty sure Luna mentioned you had a brother."

"Precisely!" She carried on, undaunted. "You're the little brother I didn't have!"

She reached out and gently cupped the younger boy's face with one hand. "...but I sure wish I did. And now that I do, I'm gonna make the most of it."

She gave his face a gentle shake.

"We're all going to meddle in your life Linc. That's just how it goes. It's...possible, that I may have taken things a bit too far today."

Lincoln opened his mouth as if he had something to add, but Sam pressed on.

"The fact of the matter is, I meant what I said. You are absolutely, positively my favorite little dude. Anyone who wants a piece of your action, be they Carol, or that weird little friend of yours, or even, I dunno...Luna, for example, has gotta go through me first. Because that's just what a good big sister does."

She looked Lincoln in the eye, and for the briefest of moments, she felt...something. A twinge? A spark? The sensation of one hand clapping? Sam wanted to take some time to try and process exactly what this sensation was...

"Pffft, HA HA HA HA HA!"

But then Lincoln started laughing, and it wasn't long before Sam was joining in herself. The kid had a really nice laugh, it was positively infectious.

Eventually the joviality passed, and the pair sank down in their respective seats. Emotionally exhausted, but happy that the tension had finally cleared.

"I don't think you need to worry about me stealing Luna from you any time soon."

"Hey dude, the heart wants what the heart wants."

"D-don't be weird, Sam."

Sam desperately wanted to push the issue, but she forced herself to let it drop. It wasn't time yet. And in spite of everything, she felt like she'd still manage to make some progress, of a sorts.

"So uh, you wanna get out of here?" She asked, glancing at the counter, wherein a still befuddled Carol remained, seemingly lost in thought.

"Probably for the best." He replied, following her gaze. "She looks...troubled. Like when I tried to explain the difference between Ace Prime and Ace 0000001."

Sam rolled her eyes in amusement. So cute, but so dorky.

"And without that discount, I'm not going to be able to afford the pizza."

"Why don't you let me handle that."

Sam and Lincoln both jumped in surprise as an unfamiliar voice entered the conversation. She turned and saw that their booth had been approached by a tall man in a dark suit. He had a...feeling, about him. Simultaneously both pristine, but somehow...slimy.

"And you are?" She asked, archly.

"Someone who couldn't help but notice that delightfully heartfelt moment you two just had." He cooed, pressing his palms together. "And, someone who has a proposition for you."

It was late when Lincoln arrived home that night, bursting through the front door, breathless with excitement.

"LINCOLN!"

The boy blinked in surprise as he took in the, strangely rare as of late, sight of his entire family, all engaged in various activities within the same room. Including his seldomly seen mom and dad.

"No time!" He shouted, forestalling the inevitably barrage of questions that would undoubtedly be sent his way. He quickly crossed to the tv, snatched the remote out of Lola's hands on the way there ("Hey!") and began flipping channels.

"Lincoln!" His father began, breaking the silence. "Where have you been? We've all been worried sick about you! And I really need to talk to you about that creepy girl in the bushes..."

"Found it!" Lincoln crowed in triumph, madly gesturing for his family to look at the television.

The scene is set in front of a big suburban house, the whole area littered with pure white snow. A familiar looking blonde girl, laden by a heavy pack, makes her way up the walkway. Meanwhile a young white haired boy spies her through a nearby window. Just as she reached the door it swung open, revealing the smiling boy.

"I must have the wrong house." Sam said, a look of faux bewilderment upon her face.

"Brother." Lincoln deadpanned, gesturing at himself. His adorable bucktooth grin making it impossible for him to hide his delight.

They managed to maintain their standoff for a few heartbeats longer before breaking from their roles, as if by some unspoken agreement. Sam pulled Lincoln into a hug, so enthusiastically that she pulled him up and off the ground, while Lincoln responded in kind, throwing his arms around the older girl's neck.

"I missed you so much." He murmured into her ear as the embrace deepened. A look of utter contentment settling upon both their faces.

The scene cut to the interior of the house, Lincoln dragging the older girl into the kitchen.

"Mom and dad waited up all night for you, you know." Lincoln said, head jerking forward and back frantically, simultaneously trying to keep his eyes both on where he was going, and the blonde girl following in his wake.

"Well, it's a long way from West Africa." Sam replied, giggling at his efforts.

She stopped, daring to pull away from the boy ever so slightly, seemingly lured by the scent of a nearby coffee maker. A container nearby clearly identifying the product as "Folgecest".

"Real coffee." She breathed softly, sighing in contentment before being dragged away once more by her excitable little brother.

The pair settled in, Lincoln hopping up on a nearby countertop while Sam poured herself a cup of the bubbling brew. They remained in companionable silence, the pair seemingly content to enjoy each other's company.

"I brought you something, from far away." She said at last, reaching for her pack and withdrawing a small, gift wrapped box, presenting it to her smiling brother.

Lincoln took a moment to consider the gift in his hands, before deftly removing the bow from the top and decisively planting it onto his sister's chest.

"W-what are you doing?" She asked, her voice wavering ever so slightly, her eyes firmly locked on Lincoln's still outstretched arm.

"You're my present this year, sis." He said softly, the sincerity in his voice finally drawing her eyes to him, their gazes meeting. Warm smiles gently etched themselves upon the pairs' faces, no further words needing to be exchanged. And then it was over, the scene cut away to one final shot of the bubbling pot of coffee before fading out, accompanied by a jaunty commercial jingle.

"The best, part of waking up, is Folgecest in your family!"

Sam Sharp smiled to herself as she lay in her bed, fiddling with her phone. She really needed to get to bed. It had been a long day, and she was exhausted. On the other hand...

Play it loud! Play it loud! I've got no time for turning it down...!

Sam winced as the familiar tune played, the screen now switching to a lovely photo of her smiling girlfriend. Despite this, she had her suspicions that the real deal would be singing a very different tune. But putting this off was most likely just going to make things worse. Better to take her lumps now.

"H-hey Lunes!" She said, holding the phone up to her ear. She immediately regretted this decision and yanked it away, wincing at the torrent of angry squeaks that could still be heard pouring out of the speaker.

"Luna..." She began, trying to get a word in, but only causing the squeaking to intensify. She took a deep breath, and decided to wait for an opening.

"Look babe..." She tried again, once the flow had subsided a bit.

"Yes, Lincoln and I were scouted to be in a comercial. Yes, the blatant incest subtext was kinda weird, even for me—"

She winced again as this prompted a fresh barrage of angry squeaking, but chose to press on regardless.

"And yes, said little brother may have accidentally gotten to second base with me in a commercial that will constantly be airing on broadcast television for the foreseeable—"

Now the phone began hopping up and down in her palm, so great was the shouting on the other end. Well, in for a penny...

"Look Luna, maybe if you just told him how you felt, he'd do the same to you, alright?"

With lightning reflexes, Sam smashed the button to disengage the call, quickly brought up her phone settings, and set it to automatically send incoming calls to voicemail. She was undoubtedly going to be paying for that sooner than later, but for now, she just wanted to enjoy herself a little.

Satisfied that she wasn't going to be interrupted again, Sam switched back to the video she'd been watching and hit the play button again. One more time couldn't hurt.

Sam settled in amid her pillows as the familiar scenes once again began to play before her.

"You're my present this year, sis."

She giggled to herself as she hit the pause button. Once again taking in the image of her and Lincoln sharing an intimate moment. And, after a brief moment of hesitation, she hit the replay button again. One more time couldn't hurt.

The commercial is based on an actual Folgers commercial, which is fairly infamous. I tried to touch up the dialogue a bit, but yes, it really is that bad. There's a reason this is probably the most well known Folgers commercial. Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed this weird little side trek.