Volume IV Ch.22: Determination (1/5)

In this dark room, my cheeks were burning hot, my body sweaty. This strange sensation captured my chest as I lied on the fluffy sheets of my bed. I twitched my eyes, opened them, and saw the white creme ceiling of my room. Confused, I touched my cheek…revealing more tears. They just won't stop despite the decision I clearly made. That I loved this family more than just Koda Mari. So, why won't these tears go away? Why won't these feelings just stop?

"…It's not that easy, is it?"

I spoke softly as I tasted the tears still racing down my cheek.

Thinking about it clearly…these feelings festered for a while before my coma. They were a part of me even though I forgot all about it. They've become a piece of me as I slept my life away for two years…and it'll take some honest time for them to start to fade.

I turned to the side, revealing the early hours of 5 AM. It was Thursday, a school day, and I had to get up in an hour…

"Maybe I can make breakfast?"

I could start with that. It was time to stop staying in place and start moving forwards as I promised myself. But to do that, I needed to start by making a routine that'll help me normalize the choice I made that night.

So, I got up, got dressed, and made my way out the door. The home was quiet as I gently stepped around the upstairs hallway, doing my best not to wake anyone yet. My body stopped like someone grabbed my ankles as I was about to pass my little sister's room.

It was only two days ago when I confessed my feelings to Mari-san. The rest of the day, Wednesday, when we got back from the onsen, Hana-chan didn't speak to me much.

"Hana-chan…"

Tenderly, I called her name as I touched the edge of her door. Not to wake her but to acknowledge that she might be struggling with my confession too. I wasn't hurt that she didn't feel like talking after what I professed to her that night. She's probably just as confused as I was when I realized these feelings.

"I'm so…sorry…"

Once we got home yesterday, all she did was go into her room and play her games alone. She even told mom and Mari-san that she wasn't hungry as she excused herself from the table. To my surprise, mom didn't chase after her. Mari-san didn't even tease her about it. I think we all felt that something was wrong with our lovely flower.

I closed my eyes and thought about yesterday morning now…That memory replayed in my head like a movie reel being shown to me on a widescreen.

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"Have a great day everyone! Koda-san, Nakagawa-san, see you tomorrow at work!"

Saitou-san cried as she watched us leave the Hamasaki Inn and Onsen. With our bags in our hands, we packed the back. Mom and Mari-san stayed outside, chatting with their boss. Hana-chan and I sat in the back seat as we patiently waited for them to be done.

"Thank you again for the stay, Saitou-bucho."

I heard Mari-san say. Her voice was muffled to me though. Respectfully, she bowed along with her…partner. Even now I understand that when they are together, they are certainly…perfect.

"Nnnn…"

Deep in thought, on the other side of me was Hana-chan. Once I turned to her, I found her looking out the window. There wasn't anything to look at though. The scenery hadn't changed because we were sitting there for around five minutes or so by that point.

My little sister didn't say much after we woke up the next morning. After I…cried myself to sleep in her arms, still thinking about her mother as I confessed to her. I couldn't imagine how it must have felt to her…hearing me cry about loving her mother. Just thinking of it made my stomach turn with guilt.

"…Hana."

"…Yes, Onee-chan?"

She turned to me. Her eyes weren't soft though…they were a tad fearsome, and it worried me a little. As if she was ready to bite my head off, rip me to pieces in an instant. But I didn't believe any of that was true. It seemed to me that Hana-chan was in deep thought.

"…Never mind, Hana-chan."

"…O-Okay."

She turned back to the window and rested her chin on her palm. Of course, she'd be confused, upset even. There was no point in me not realizing that. So, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to collect my own thoughts.

Mari-san said she was going to confess her feelings for me to mom. That she's going to admit that we used to share feelings for one another in the past. Maybe even…confess that we still do share feelings even today.

That way…she can destroy all the lies between them. I'm going to be there when she's ready to do that. As someone who still loves her…I refused to allow her to go through that alone. I…wanted to do what's best for the people I love…no matter how painful it is in the end.

"Mari-san…"

I whispered. Only then did I pray that Hana-chan didn't hear my thoughtless words as her name tenderly touched the tip of my tongue.

I turned towards my little sister who seemed withdrawn. It felt as though she had an invisible barrier around her. One that would reflect me if I tried to touch her.

"I…don't ever want to hurt her like this again."

I pleaded with her internally.

"So please, Hana-chan…hang in there for just a little longer. Our family will be stronger once we…confess and get rid of all our secrets."

But first, I'll have to wait for Mari-san to decide when her feelings are ready.

Mari-san and mom still continued their conversation with Saitou-san. It felt as though Hana-chan and I had been trapped in this car for years by this point. When I turned back to Hana, she gazed out the window without much movement. The expression on her face worried me all the more.

I wanted to… no, I needed to break this barrier between us somehow. I needed to show her that my feelings won't destroy the family she loves.

So…I reached over and touched her soft hair. It flowed like a flower dancing in the wind as I caressed it from behind. But I knew Hana-chan wasn't as fragile as one. If I stepped on her…she wouldn't be crushed. She'd stand up to me and express herself clearly. My little sister…was strong, and I needed to be there to support her right now.

"…I'm sorry, Hana-chan."

I murmured. But she didn't reply. She just kept staring out of the window. Hana-chan didn't even turn back to me. Like a pillar of stone, she stayed in that same position without moving.

It was said without her saying, Hana-chan needed time alone. There was a brash pain in my chest like someone drilling a hole in my heart. It was constant and relentless. With all my might, I turned away and looked out my side window. There was nothing else to do but wait for our moms to finish their conversation and hopefully save us from this suffocating situation.

"…I love you, Hana-chan. I love you so much."

Those were the last words I spoke to her that day.

The ride home was quiet, not to my surprise. As it turned out, we all had something on our minds. From what I imagined, Mari-san with her impending confession about us…

My mom had to reveal what she hated most about herself…

Me and my constant fight to stop loving Mari-san…and

…Hana-chan's likely fear of losing her family because of my selfishness…

I didn't want to hurt anyone…

But I did just that…

But when I made my choice, I knew what I was getting into, didn't I? I had to fight this battle for us to be stronger in the end. The lies needed to stop. We needed to understand our feelings for each other, acknowledge them…and eventually move on from them.

And that started with confessing that to our family. Because if we didn't…If Mari-san and I selfishly continued to try and hide what happened between us…then it would only lead to a bigger problem in the future.

This is what I have to do in order to show them that I love them.

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The movie ended in my head as my mind swung back to the outside of Hana-chan's door. Now back from my recollection, I started hating myself all the more. The bitter aftertaste of that night overflowed in my mouth again.

"Hana-chan…"

My lips parted as I whispered her gentle name. Only months ago, that girl meant nothing to me but now the world is spinning in the wrong direction because of what I did to her. I could only imagine what was going through her head after that revelation cooled down in her mind.

Does…does that mean that she hates me now? I…I don't know what I'd do if Hana-chan hated me.

"No…I need to stop thinking like this..."

I scorned my behavior as I shook my head from side to side. It wasn't time to look back at the past and regret my choice. I had to keep moving forward. Show her and my family that I've moved past who I was. This family means a lot to me now and…I won't allow them to be destroyed because of my feelings.

"Time to make breakfast…"

My hand released from her cold door as I made my way down the steps. The living room was empty. Everyone was still shut away in their rooms. As I looked down the hallway leading to Mom and Mari-san's room, my mind started to wander.

"I wonder how they are doing?"

But instead of imagining what I couldn't possibly know, I sighed sharply then made my way to the kitchen.

As I cooked the food, my mind would wander back to that night. Over that small amount of time, things began to become a tad blurry. I was certain that I would remember every minute of that night for the rest of my life.

But that was unrealistic…

I couldn't remember the full hour anymore…just the bits and pieces that were the most monumental. Like her touch…kiss…tears…

But out of everything…I'll never forget how I felt when she lied on top of me and kissed me for the first time. That feeling of her warmth blanketing me...keeping me warm and safe from the world.

How…I still wished I could do that again…but I shook my head, destroying that emotion that threatened to rob my family of their happiness again.

"…The food is almost ready. I should set the table for everyone."

I forced myself to wake up. To face reality and forget the past. With the table set, I walked into the living room and shouted.

"Breakfast is ready!"

I earned the doors of the rooms opening up. They were staggered, first mom and Mari-san tumbled out in a drowsy state. It took a few minutes for my precious little sister to bring her small body down the steps too. Wordlessly, the three of them sat in their respective seats.

"Good morning, everyone."

"Morning…"

They all chimed in harmony. It was a tad eerie how it felt like they rehearsed this together before coming to the table. I knew that wasn't true, but it's the impression I got.

"I made pancakes."

I wanted to try something different this morning. Maybe the high sugar content would bring a smile to everyone's faces? But it wasn't just that, I decorated it with a smile and a nose that reminded me of a cute bear. It was super cute and I didn't even want to eat it because it was so adorable! But sadly that wasn't the case as they all moved their bodies like zombies in an apocalypse. Mari-san's manners were especially bad as she reached around the table grabbing at things without asking the person closest.

"Do you want the syrup?"

I aggressively questioned as she reached her body towards me.

"Ah…y-yes please, Madoka-san."

I must have been giving her a scary look. She cowed back into her seat and waited patiently for me to pass it to her.

As the meal went on, the silent chatter of our utensils hitting our plates assaulted our ears. The mood was…suffocating, to say the least. I don't know what was going on in the minds of everyone, but we all wanted time to ourselves it seemed.

I believe we all were trying to piece things together. Even mom was low-spirited compared to usual. Our family couldn't even pretend to act normal anymore...

"…Thank you for breakfast, sweetie."

Mom spoke up first as I turned to her, earning a relaxed smile.

"Oh, yeah. Sure thing, mom."

"S-Sorry, I forgot to thank you too, Madoka-san."

Mari-san added as she nibbled at her pancake. Her expression changed as if realizing the face she's been making for the last few minutes wasn't her porcelain one.

"It's wonderful…Madoka-san. I don't eat pancakes too often. It's…delicious."

Hana-chan glared at her mom to my surprise. I wasn't sure if she realized she was doing this though. Harshly, she stared down at her mom, and it worried me that she might actually try something. But once they caught eyes, Hana-chan backed down and looked back at me.

"…Y-Yeah, thanks, Onee-chan. I…I really like the pancakes."

Everyone's thanks felt forced, especially from Hana-chan, but I didn't care. Finally, we were at least saying something to one another. Even mom and Mari-san looked as though they were lost in thought over things. I…wonder what they talked about that night? Mari-san would have mentioned it if she told mom about us…

I was sure mom felt like Mari-san was acting strangely. There was no doubt that she might have an idea that something isn't right between us now. However, now isn't the time to ask quite yet. I…want to give Mari-san the chance to gather her own feelings first.

Once the meal was finished, we all finished getting dressed and met outside on the porch. The two businesswomen got in the car like any other normal morning.

"Have a good day at school you two and... Oh, Madoka..."

I turned back to mom who sat firmly in the passenger seat.

"Yes, mom?"

"You have work tonight, right, honey?"

"Yeah…"

Mom held her breath and nodded softly. She turned to Mari-san briefly before looking back at me. With a softened smile, she tenderly asked me…

"…Would you like to…go home on your own today, dear?"

My lips parted as I tried to connect what she was saying. For the first time since I woke up from my coma, mom was asking me to be willingly independent. Could this have something to do with our talk? Maybe…just maybe, mom realized that I'm not the same as before?

"…A-Are you sure, Mom? Would that be…okay?"

She adjusted her collar. Clearly, she was also uncertain about this, but after a brief moment, she nodded sharply.

"…I don't want to…impose on you too much, Madoka. I…I know my baby is…growing up. And I want to respect that."

For a moment we stared at one another. How tender her gaze was, it reminded me that mom loved me and only wanted the best for me. I couldn't help but smile slightly.

"If that's okay with you…I would love to, mom."

I spoke honestly. I didn't want to be picked up by Mari-san if I could avoid it too. With these feelings still assaulting me, I don't know what I'd do if we were left alone right now if I had to be truthful.

How I still yearned to be with her despite how I've made my decision to…let her go. It would be unrealistic if these emotions just vanished at once. It…will take time, and I knew it. So, if I could use this chance to distance myself from her…

"Thank you, mom."

I bowed slightly. That was the only way I could repay her right now. I wanted to show my mom that I was grateful at least.

"Madoka-san…if you need me, just tell me, and I'll come right there. If you feel unsafe, you call me immediately, got it?"

"Thanks, Mari-san."

I beamed. She was still on my side…despite my choice hurting her too. Mari-san…honestly cared about me, didn't she? How could I have been so lucky to find someone like…Mari-san?

"W-We need to go, Onee-chan…"

Hana-chan stated before tugging on my hand.

"Oh, right."

The car started behind us as Hana-chan dragged me along with her. The car passed as my little sister relentlessly pulled my hand.

"Hana-chan, you're walking too fast."

"We're going to be late!"

Now she was forcefully dragging me behind her. I was having a hard time keeping up despite her being the shorter one. I tried my best to pull away, but she only gripped my hand tighter. Her small nails began to claw on my wrist, and it actually started to hurt.

"Hana! Stop!"

I cried as I ripped my arm away from her. Hana-chan did just that as she stood facing away from me. Her small shoulders began to quake as her tiny fingers trembled. I approached her and touched her shoulder.

"Hana…"

As I turned her around, I met the flushed face of a crying girl.

With her arm, she wiped away the salty tears now constantly running down her face. For a moment, she whimpered before finally expressing herself as clearly as she could.

"I-I understand that you loved my mom…b-but I don't get it, Onee-chan!"

Her gaze fell to the sidewalk as she clenched her fist. My grip on her shoulders became tighter as she squared up to me.

"How the hell did this happen, Madoka-chan?! What the hell…what the hell have you two been doing behind…behind Nakagawa Ayumi's back?!"

The sharpness of her words cut deep in my chest.

"Hana-chan, you don't understand. Nothing like that ever happened!"

She shook her head from side to side. Her long hair whipped around in the cold morning fog as she began to whine.

"You're right! I don't understand, Onee-chan. I get that you are in love with my mom in that way…I don't know when or how that happened, but I get it…"

Hana-chan scratched her head in frustration. Her beautiful hair was twisted and messy now.

"B-But I don't get it at all either! I've…I've tried to piece it all together. I tried my best to solve this problem… but I don't get it, Onee-chan!"

Finally, that steel expression she's been wearing since that night that I confessed to her come undone. Here in the middle of the sidewalk, my little sister cried all her pent-up feelings to the sky. Her wails…shook my bones.

"I don't know how to fix this! I-I don't know what to do!"

"Oh god…Hana-chan."

Her pain was clear as I wrapped my arms around her and put her small head on my breast.

"Shh…it's okay, Hana-chan."

"I don't know what to do! I-I-I just don't know what to do!"

She confessed as she cried on my school jacket.

"I'll explain everything to you, Hana-chan. We'll figure it out together…"

I caressed her hair as she rubbed her cheeks on me.

"Because you're family to me now. Because I love you, Hana-chan…I want to be honest with you from now on."

Her small arms wrapped around my torso. I could hear her tiny teeth chatter before breaking into a loud fit of tears. Anyone within eyeshot of us could clearly hear her cries. Hana-chan wasn't being subtle about it. She was in pain, and the world would hear her anguish.

"O-Onee-chan…Onee-chan…"

There would be no way I could push her to go to school like this, I concluded. Gently, I held her shoulder and walked her back home with me. As if realizing the same as me, she walked into the home, took off her shoes right away, and lied on the couch. Still crying away, Hana-chan's face pushed further into the cushion.

Sympathetically, I sat next to her and let her get everything out. As I watched her hit the cushions in a fit, the guilt began to crawl up my neck. I couldn't speak. Never have I ever seen Hana-chan so broken up. The calm, collected flower that I've come to know and love was damaged.

"Hana-chan…I'm so sorry."

I'm sure she's had these repressed emotions for a while now. I was too emotional the night I walked back into the room and cried to her. Now in hindsight, I wish I was stronger, so this wouldn't have happened. If I could have controlled my emotions…

Hana-chan wouldn't be suffering like this right now. She wouldn't have felt like she'd have to solve all this alone, resulting in it eating her up inside.

"Nnnng…"

After what seemed like minutes of constant moans, she finally calmed down and began a somber whimper…

"Hana-chan?"

I nudged her…revealing her sleeping like a baby. That's when it hit me…

"…You must have been up all night thinking about this…thinking about your family, huh?"

That's why she was so standoffish. Hana-chan…my loving little sister must have been doing what she does best. She's been trying her best to understand how she was going to defend her family, wasn't she?

"…Damn it..."

I bit my bottom lip and hit the back of my head on the couch. How I wished I could just vanish and wash away everything I did to this family. But life wasn't that simple… I knew that by now.

"Come on, get with it..."

Self-loathing wouldn't solve anything. With that driving me forwards, I took out my phone and dialed up my little sister's mom. It was her I needed to talk to more than anyone right now.

"Madoka-san, what's wrong?"

In the background, I could hear my mom panicking. The sound of the road was audible. It seemed as though they were still commuting to work. So, to ease her worries, I hurried to say just what I needed to.

"Mari-san, Hana-chan isn't feeling well…her…stomach is hurting."

How I didn't want to lie, but right now wasn't the time to confess everything.

"So, I took her back home. She fell right to sleep. I think we're going to stay home for the day so she can get better."

"Oh, my…I knew she was acting strange…"

Mari-san relayed the information to my mom before turning her head back to the phone.

"…I told her something, you know, Mari-san. About that night we talked…"

"…I see. I figured as much."

"So, maybe not tonight because I have work, but soon…we need to have this chat with everyone."

"Yeah, sure thing…take care of your little sister, okay, Madoka-san?"

"I will. You both be safe and have a great day."

That's when she hung up. It was apparent that Mari-san was still trying to get her feelings in order. She finds it hard to talk about things like this…as do I. But…we both needed to change, else we'll hurt everyone as badly as I did to Hana-chan right now.

"Stay right here."

I comforted her before I stood up.

I rushed up the steps and entered Hana-chan's room. The tender scent of flowers captured me. It wasn't gentle though, it was harsh, and a little sad to me now. Shaking those thoughts away, I took her blankets and raced back downstairs. After putting it over her, I sat next to her.

"We'll figure this out together when you wake up, Hana-chan."

I pleaded as I pet her soft hair. As I caressed her bangs, it came to me how much she reminded me of Mari-san when she sleeps.

"Don't worry…I'm not going to destroy the family you love."