Ch.21 Our Future (4/5)

"Oh, that's wonderful Ryuji! Where is the wedding again? Are you going with a western theme?"

After a late lunch, outside the restaurant, mom had been chatting with Mary and Uncle for the last twenty minutes. Why did it always feel like mom was busy with something else every time I found her? The smile on her face didn't mirror that of someone who would...do something like that to themselves. But that's why it's such a shock that I still had to mentally put my head around...

"...Oh, mom."

I put my head down as I rested on a bench in the main lobby. Hana-chan and the others went to try out a few other facilities to enjoy. Saitou-san and Hana-chan were kind enough to give me the chance by dragging Mari-san with them. But if things continue like this...I'll never get the chance to confront mom.

"Oh, Madoka-san, you're not with my sister and the others?"

Exiting the restroom only a few centimeters from me, the grifter Saya-san made her grand entrance. With that yukata too long for her arms to fit through, she swung it back and forth like a propeller on a helicopter.

"...No."

I was still in low spirits and sadly it was Saya-san that was hit with a mountain of gloom. But instead of taking the hint that I wanted to be left alone, she sat next to me.

"After my sister came back to our room last night, she went on about being worried about you, Madoka-san."

"...I see. I didn't mean to worry her..."

"She told me that you had something important to talk with your mom about...but she was caring enough to not go into what it was. Now that I see it's only you two...minus the plus two...that must be what you're trying to do right now, right?"

"....Yeah... Sorry, Saya-san...I just have a lot to think about right now."

"You know, Madoka-san...there's this wonderful pond that's behind the establishment. There they created an environment to keep the fish they use for the sushi fresh."

She then took out a piece of paper and began to write on it.

"Here...then....here...then...here."

She lifted her round face to me and smiled brightly.

"There's also this amazing spot in a clearing that you can see the moon at its brightest. I was going to go there tonight and do some charming but...I think that might be a better place for you to relax if you want."

Manically now, she scribbled on her small paper. She wrote so fast I was afraid the paper would catch fire at that rate. I had no idea what she was doing until she finished it and handed it to me.

"These are nice spots that the guest doesn't know about. Even the staff aren't too aware of it. I use them as a place to relax every time I come here."

She handed me a note full of sloppy directions. Her handwriting was...pretty terrible if I had to admit, but I could make the words out at least.

"...What's this for again, Saya-san?"

"They are quiet spots. One has a wonderful side view of the pond, there's also a big tree trunk there that I sit on and cry when I'm feeling down."

She wasn't answering my question. She just kept rambling on. Until, like a light in my head, it clicked to me what she was implying.

"...You want me to-"

The grifter leaped off the bench and ran over to the group of three still chatting away.

"Oh, did you and your lovely soon-to-be-wife try the couples sauna yet, Nakagawa-san?"

"Couples sauna?"

Uncle questioned, now turning to Saya-san.

"Oh, yes! It's a facility that's free for you both right now. My Onee-san wanted you two to go because the gifts extension time only lasts for the next hour."

Saya-san pointed towards the sauna that Saitou-san and I went to the other day. However, her fingers were gone because her yukata was covering them up. That was becoming more of a problem for her as time went on it seemed.

"Oh, Mary, Ryuji, go on and give it a try. You both would love it, I'm sure!"

"Are you sure, Ayumi?"

Mary-san asked, likely not wanting to leave her friend alone.

"Yes! We'll talk later! Go, have fun!"

"I'll guide you two! Goodbye, Nakagawa-san!"

Saya-san waved my mom goodbye as she led my uncle and soon-to-be aunt to the sauna. Mom waved them goodbye too, marking the end of their conversation. This was my chance...the first time in a while that I had time alone with her. So, I got to my feet immediately.

"Ah, Madoka! Shall we go find the others?"

"Wait, mom!"

I cried out as I rushed over to her.

"Oh, what's the matter?"

"Ah...mom..."

I might not be able to get another chance like this for a while so, I clenched my fist and gathered up the courage to push forwards...to learn what may hurt me in the end...

"Can we chat...just the two of us, mom?"

"...You want to chat, Madoka?"

"...Yeah...ah, Saya-san told me about this nice spot by the pond behind the Inn...and I want to see it with you."

Mom smiled, endearingly. With a tilt of her beautiful face that still outshined me in all of her wonders, she responded with a short and sweet...

"Sure, Madoka."

After a brief walk outside, I followed the crude directions Saya-san gave me. We journeyed off the beaten path for what seemed to be a few minutes. After traveling into strange brushes, it made me wonder if this was a prank for a moment. Her directions actually were split in two. But I had no need for the second set right now.

"Oh, wow! Madoka-san this is amazing!"

Once we made it to the spot, the orange glow of the afternoon reflected off the pond. It was a tad cold but the scenery was well worth the chill from it. There in the center was a tree trunk just the perfect size for both of us. So, we sat down on the large tree stump and took in the view. For a moment we sat there in silence. That's when it came to me...that it's been quite a while since I was alone with my mom like this...

"What did you want to talk about, Madoka?"

I didn't have any idea how I'd approach the topic. If I went right to my trauma, I might come off as childish and spoiled and that would lead to mom not seeing me as nothing more than that...So, I closed my eyes and approached my feelings in a different way.

"Mom…you're not perfect."

Her mouth opened wide as she turned back to me, shocked at my sudden insult.

"What, Madoka?"

"You're not perfect, but you're my mom. She makes mistakes and messes up a lot. She can't' get her act together…she forgets to clean sometimes, she's overprotective but…but she's human. She's the only person I would ever call mom."

"Where is this coming from, Madoka?"

I turned to the side and searched the pond again. It was still, calm...unlike the unrest in my chest.

"Because if you were perfect...you would have noticed that your daughter had been hurting for a while now..."

Her eyes widen as she leaned closer to me.

"Is something wrong, Madoka? Is that the reason you got a job? I knew there was more to it than what Mari-"

"Mom! This has nothing to do with that! This has everything to do with...you!"

I don't think I've ever raised my voice at mom like that...yet here I was doing just that."

"W-What do you mean, Madoka?"

Mom's voice was noticeably shaking and that worried me. I wanted to instantly take back what I said but I pushed forward instead. If I backed down now everything would be for not...

"You believe you're protecting me from whatever happened but...little do you realize that your own daughter is suffering over things right in front of you! Just because you avoid the problem...doesn't mean you fixed it..."

Tears began flowing down my cheeks. My chest was tense but I had to keep pushing.

"Mom…I need to come to a personal conclusion…and my trauma is the last thing that I need to get over. But you, my own mother, won't trust me. You won't trust your own daughter."

"…Oh, Madoka."

The shakes in my body were like tremors by this point.

"Your willingness to hide things from me...makes me feel as though my opinions don't matter to you! A-and it makes me want to leave, move away and...avoid the problem like you are."

"D-Don't ever say that, Madoka! You don't know how that would make me feel if you left me, Madoka!"

She held me in my hand now as if I'd vanish if she didn't. Now, I searched her in the eyes as if doing my best to convey everything I felt. For the first time since I woke up…mom had tears rolling down her face again. I recalled that look in her eyes. Now knowing that she attempted to…harm herself, she may have never believed that I would wake up. That day that I proved her wrong must have been one of the happiest days of her life.

"You don't have to hide what happened between me and you. Right now it's ripping me up inside...and I don't know how else to approach you about it. So...if you want to keep lying to me then...then I'll do all that I can just to leave you behind!"

That's something that's been raging in me for a while. If mom wanted to treat me like my opinions didn't matter then that would mean I didn't matter. If she was willing to lose her daughter a second time over this then so be it. That way my feelings wouldn't destroy her family...and I'd be so far away from them that my feelings for Mari-san wouldn't matter.

Her lips pursed as she held me closer in her arms. In that beautiful yukata, the orange sky melted into the blue ocean of her fabric.

"…I just don't want my baby to become like how she was...It's my fault that my baby...was broken like that."

"What happened mom…please tell me. I don't think you understand…how much this is hurting me right now."

She gasped for air as she tried to regain her composure. The winter cold breeze didn't help as she continued to hyperventilate. So, I held her closer to me to give her the strength to press on.

"I-I'm just so worried that my baby will go back to the way she was! W-Why can't you understand that, Madoka?"

"Mom, I want to grow up so I can take care of you one day! But you have to trust me too! I want to move past my coma and trauma! I lost two years of my life…they are gone and there's nothing I can do about that!"

Now the tears began…and I didn't let them stop. No, I needed to express my hurt. She needed to understand how painful things are for me right now.

"It's been hard trying to adapt to everything! I lost my purpose in sports, things around me changed. But one thing I never want to change is…that I love you! I love you so much, mom! But right now your daughter is begging you to trust her too..."

Her lips began to quiver as she sat on the log overlooking the pond…She held my stomach and cried for a while. I thought I might have gone too far, that maybe she'd clam up and not say anything in the end but...

"It was a few weeks after you got your scholarship for basketball…you began working longer days at practice and I was so proud of you…so proud of my baby girl…"

She nuzzled closer to my stomach as she continued.

"But…with my new job, I began working later. Mari would visit you in my place before you went to sleep but there were times that she had to go right home to Hana…Being a single mother herself."

She held me tighter as her nails started clawing at me.

"I made it to fewer games and…and you understandably began to feel neglected. You spent more time with Mari as I worked harder at the company."

She closed her eyes as if recalling that time.

"One day I worked overtime…forgetting that I promised to pick you up after a game."

"Mom?"

"Oh, Madoka! How was your game sweetie?"

"…You were supposed to be here for this one..."

I had never been a single parent. I didn't understand how deep the responsibility was. It was becoming apparent that I lacked those skills needed to be that perfect parent to you. So, I picked you up late. Understandably, you were upset as we made our way home.

"…I'm sorry, Madoka."

"…Mom, a lot has been changing lately. And I have been wanting to talk with you about it but you're always busy with work..."

Now that I looked back on it…you just wanted me to listen. But I was stressed with work, being a single parent was taking its toll on me, and I…

"…Madoka, not now."

"Huh?"

"I'm trying to make our lives better. I don't need this right now."

That's when you turned to me, Madoka with tears in your eyes.

"…But I'm struggling with something and…I don't know who to talk to. You're always working late and leaving early! There's something... No, there's someone very important to me right now and I wanted to tell you for a while now too!"

"Everything up until now I've done for only you! You need to stop being spoiled Madoka! I can't always be there! You need to grow up, Madoka!"

"...But mom, I have something important to tell you about! It's about...I...am...ah...in..."

Your words were muffled under your crying. But even if you wanted to say anything...I didn't want to listen...

That's when I ran the clear red light in front of me. The headlights of oncoming traffic expanded behind you. The image of my baby being hit from the side replays in my head even today. We were struck….My head slammed on the steering wheel causing me to blackout for a moment but...Luckily for us, we came out relatively unharmed but that didn't change the fact that I nearly got you killed.

While I suffered a mild concussion, you witnessed me slam my head. You cried with me in my arms, screaming about me not waking up. You said you were afraid I died in that accident…

Almost immediately you tried to get ahold of Mae after coming home...

But she screamed at you and didn't give you the chance to talk. I was so angry about what happened that I called up her mother.

Chie and I had a falling out as we screamed at one another. She insulted my parenting skills, she claimed I was having others watch you grow up for me. How...angry that made me. How I wanted to believe I was being a good mother...

But when it was all over that's when I noticed that you didn't want to leave the room. I tried everything to get you to come out with me but you didn't. So, with Mari's suggestion, we called a doctor over. After an evaluation, the doctors believed you suffered a mild version of post-traumatic stress disorder from the entire event. You convinced yourself that…you caused this entire event to happen. That your spoiled behavior could have got me killed. My baby began to hate loud noises, likely associated with the crash. She grew distant. No matter what I did my baby's personality began to change and it...ate me up inside.

You began to panic more often and you cried out for your dad more than not, day and night.

My baby wouldn't talk with her friends anymore…you just wanted to be in your room…but it was Mari who slowly winged you back out. She convinced you to leave a few times…until that day where she took you out…

After your coma, Mae-chan attempted to question me about your situation. I was still torn up over what I did to you...I was ashamed to admit what Chie said was right. After she begged me countless times I eventually lashed out at her and told her it was A family matter. Once I screamed at her she went back and told her mother, Chie. I believed I was being a good mother. Nothing I did was wrong...but that wasn't true...

It was from that day on, Chie and I stopped seeing one another. I grew apart from the Watanabe's...But now that I look back on it...Chie might have been right...Maybe if I pulled over that day and asked you what you wanted to talk to me about...Then maybe my baby wouldn't have suffered so much.

Maybe I would have been a...good mother to her.

My mom cried in my arms now. Her body felt fragile and that confirmed to me that even she was emotionally weak too. She was more like me than I'd ever imagined.

"After you woke up from your coma...the doctors said you likely repressed those moments associated with that trauma. That's why you couldn't remember the majority of that year. That's why you didn't remember Mari and everything else associated around that time. Because you went through such a change...your mind might have reset itself, healed itself. "

She whimpered in my arms.

"And...I...I was so happy that my baby couldn't remember that. I had a second chance to be a good mother this time. So, I decided I'd give you everything you need. That way my baby could live a happy life and we'd chat about all of that another time. Now was supposed to be the time that my baby could go on without worry."

"I just wanted my Madoka to be happy...that's all sweetie. I didn't mean for you to be in pain over this!"

"Oh…mom…that's not your fault! It sounds like I put too much on you..."

She cried into my sleeve. This woman I looked up to was in tears and shambles. She was human just like me, just like I've concluded last night.

"I just wanted my baby to not remember what happened! I…didn't want to risk you reverting back into that shell! I just…I just love you so much."

So, it was true…mom was only hiding this not just out of guilt but because she loved me. She wanted to use my memory loss as a way for me to be happy...instead of traumatized. She...truly loves me, doesn't she? And it seemed I latched onto Mari-san because I loved her. Mari-san convinced me to go with her to the amusement park after winging me out of my room. But I know what happened after.

As it turned out...I never told mom about my feelings for Mari-san, did I? No, I was too afraid to...

Because I was too afraid to express my feelings about the woman I fell in love with to mom...she never knew. How I hated myself for being so emotionally weak. If I would have calmed down...told mom my feelings that night...maybe things would have been different.

If I would have told mom that I loved Mari-san back then...maybe I wouldn't have lost her in the first place...

This...was my fault, wasn't it?

"…I love you so much, mom!"

Tears were raining down my cheeks as hiccups assaulted me. Those were the words that I needed to express that made my heart tear up all the more. Now today was the day that my past needed to be officially behind me, wasn't it? The only thing left was to decide where my life was going. With all that I know now...what will our future be like?

I'll have to decide if I want to keep these feelings hidden because I love my family…

Or express them to Mari-san because…I still love her greatly.

So, I decided what to do as I held my mom in my arms...

It was far too late to keep these feelings hidden and I knew it...